Third-wheel friend....AIBU to ask her to get a train home?

[BaldricksTrousers]

So my dp and I were told about this really fun event by a friend of ours. We aren't super close but have been out together a few times, etc. I assumed she was bringing her dp to make a double date so I offered to book the tickets. Turns out she was planning on attending by herself with us, and I didn't find out until the moment I was booking. Event is a few hours away drive.

I dont mind being at the event with her as she is lovely and we do get on well, but no she has booked a night in the exact same hotel my DP and I are staying at. I was planning on doing things with him the day after, just us. We don't have a lot of money so this was sort of our Valentine's/anniversary event and we wanted to take full advantage of being away.

Would I BU to offer to drive her with us to the event but then ask that she takes the train home as we have plans the next day? Or is this mean? I don't want to make this shit for her as the whole thing was her idea, but when I agreed I had something totally different in mind.

Being described as a third wheel would put me off being friends with you tbh.

Depends if she asked you to grab a free lift? Sometimes best bit of childfree weekend is the chatting on the journey couples often don't get that kind of time. Unless it had already be mentioned would do you own thing and meet there and enjoy event and then carry on, just make sure person knows that's your plan. Enjoy a precious childfree weekend

It's not a lift, they are going to the same event together, as suggested by the friend.
Do you really think she should make her own way there when you are going anyway?

Exactly Charismam, I'm happy to be single, I have chosen it but so many people seem weird with it, I don't understand why?

And this sums up exactly why life post marriage break-up can be so bloody hard. We single women are third wheels, upsetting the plans of happy couples. Bollox to that.

At this point also there was no talk of even staying overnight. I booked the hotel room the same day as getting tickets and she booked hers way after, after asking me what we were doing after the event.

The fact that she booked her hotel room AFTER she knew you’d booked one, suggests to me that she is possibly hoping for a lift back. She maybe booked the room thinking “oh well if they’re staying over I’d better stay over too so I can get a lift back the next day”.

I agree with a PP that you may have missed an opportunity at the point she asked you what you were doing after the event, to tell her you and your DH were going to spend some quality alone time together.

When she told your DH about the event did she actually invite you guys to the event with her and her DP, or was it just a “oh this events on, thought you’d like to know about it” kind of thing?.

Without her you'd not have known about the event, so trying to exclude her is a shitty thing to do. She deserves far better friends than you.

And this gal isn't even single! It's just that her partner isn't going to event, something she suggested, not the OP, so is in no way gate-crashing or a third wheel. The OP knew this when she booked the tickets, but still did and then she and her partner decided it was going to be a couple's weekend and this person is a third wheel they don't want around. She hasn't been back to say if she had the guts to actually tell this woman the truth about how she and her partner feel so the woman can decide if she wants people who see her this way in her life.

It's not a "lift"
The mate thinks she's planning a trip with friends
OP has had plenty of chances (booking 3 tickets, discussing hotels) to disabuse her of that or - rather - to unthink plans that will make her friend, whose idea it was in the first place, feel shit.

You need to talk to her ASAP, and explain the anniversary thing, so she can plan accordingly. She thinks it’s a three person trip, you think she’s an extra (even though she suggested the trip in the first place...)

As the event is hours away, surely, staying overnight was on the cards anyway? So why the big deal about her booking the same hotel? What else would you expect?

Did the friend actually invite op's dh, or did she just say "hey, did you see X was happening in Feb? That'd be fun!"?

The op gives the impression that the friend simply pointed out this thing was happening. If she invited the op's dh, then whatever is happening now is really down to him, a) for inviting op, b) not mentioning to friend that he's bringing op for romantic w/e.

Really, op, your partner should be sorting this out.

You don't like her much, do you?

i'd say be honest. even if wasnt the instant plan..as such..you dont want to be rude,so advance warn her that you have spiraled your "just the two of us "thrills and realise this will leave her stranded(i dont mean abandoned..but sans transport. whats the worse that can happen..youll feel shit if you lie/butter up...BUT..be prepared that its potential zone for dramarama. have great time tho x

@Brillo

"It's not a lift, they are going to the same event together, as suggested by the friend.
Do you really think she should make her own way there when you are going anyway?"

This!! I can't believe some posters expect her to make her own way up so they can have couple time in the car. Get a grip!

Oh hey friend, thanks for letting DP and I know about this event. We have booked you a ticket too. Sorry your DP can't attend and you can't drive but can you get the train up alone please? Oh no - we're not getting the train too. We want to drive up as a couple so even though we are going to the same place can you meet us there please. Also please dont book the same hotel as us as being in the same building as us totally interrupts our couple time together. Oh did we not tell you? You HAD to know we are celebrating our anniversary that weekend even though we didn't tell you. Can you kindly feck off after event and get train back alone because we want a couple day which you will be totally third wheeling. Thanks again and see you there!!

Honestly!

'BUT..be prepared that its potential zone for dramarama. have great time tho '

Yeah, heaven forbid the OP 'feel shit' for treating someone who thinks she's a friend exactly like that. Of course, naturally, the mate will cause drama, she can't possibly be in such possession of confidence and self-esteem that, when it's revealed just how this precious couple perceive her, she won't just shrug her shoulders and tell them to fuck off.

I don't understand why you're ignoring everyone has suggested telling her that you have plans for the next day so could only offer a lift back at X time in the evening? Chances are she'll decide to make her own way back anyway but if she also has plans for the next day in the area it could work out fine and you could split the petrol money.

Did the friend actually invite op's dh, or did she just say "hey, did you see X was happening in Feb? That'd be fun!"?

The op gives the impression that the friend simply pointed out this thing was happening. If she invited the op's dh, then whatever is happening now is really down to him, a) for inviting op, b) not mentioning to friend that he's bringing op for romantic w/e.

THIS ^^ This is exactly what I was wondering.

Everyone is assuming that this woman invited the OP and her DH. But nowhere in this thread have I seen the OP refer to this as an ‘invite’. All she said is that this woman told her DH about the event. She didn’t say she actually invited them as such.

From what I can tell, the OP then offered to book tickets for both couples when she knew they were also going? and only when she was booking the tickets did this woman drop in her DP wasn’t going.

If this woman’s partner drives they could’ve made their way up together, but as he isn’t going now how was she expecting to get up there? She hasn’t mentioned a lift so was she just expecting one or was she going to make her own way there? If she’d asked the OP if she’d mind giving her a lift and the OP said yes and then wanted his woman to go back by train then I’d say that was unreasonable. But if she’s just expecting a lift now her own partner isn’t going, then that’s cheeky.

If you've bought tickets for someone to attend an event you're going to, it usually means you're going together.

Otherwise, why would you?

@strawberriesaregood the OP said that, herself, in her second post:
‘Well originally I thought we could go up separately (we drive, she doesnt) but another friend told me that it would be silly not to take her up as we were going the same way.’

So (and I’m taking a wild guess here!) PPs are ‘taking offence’ at her because, well, she said it! 💁‍♀️ Ok, she doesn’t say ‘couple time’ in the car, I know....but it took ‘another friend’ To point out how unreasonable it was to not offer! Because you know, if you’re going to a venue, in a car, several hours drive away, and YOU KNOW that someone who doesn’t drive is going on their own to the same venue...you wouldn’t in all conscience not offer a lift...would you? 😩

Actually, ime plenty of people don't necessarily offer lifts just because they know each other and are going to the same place at the same time. Many people want the flexibility which they lose as soon as they offer a lift, many are organising to do other things around whatever it is, some people are just horrid (!). Some people only offer a lift because they need or want to share the petrol cost (that's about the only reason my dh will offer anyone a lift, btw).

And again, many people will buy tickets altogether and then hand them out before the event, precisely so people can make their own arrangements vis a vis transport etc, but still get seats together. Then they say "see you there!" And no harm done.

Still wondering about the actual issuing of the invitation, whether or not it actually took place. Because if I were inviting someone to an event, I would be paying for them.

Either say you and your boyfriend are staying on (she will probably then offer to get train home) or just go home and have weekend with boyfriend another time.

You should have said at the time she asked what you were doing after, so that she had a choice of staying or not. Now she's booked, it would be rude. She asked if you wanted to go, you accepted and then allowed her to book a hotel room without saying anything. You can't push her out now.

I’m sorry OP but I think you ABVU and really mean. You and your DH are invited by this ‘lovely’ friend to this event that is her idea and you decide to make it a romantic date where ‘lovely’ friend is not welcome? You are being a CF and I feel very sorry for your friend. I would be very upset if you did this to me. You need to arrange something else for Valentine’s Day and not hijack the weekend.