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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third-wheel friend....AIBU to ask her to get a train home?

238 replies

BaldricksTrousers · 28/01/2018 18:33

So my dp and I were told about this really fun event by a friend of ours. We aren't super close but have been out together a few times, etc. I assumed she was bringing her dp to make a double date so I offered to book the tickets. Turns out she was planning on attending by herself with us, and I didn't find out until the moment I was booking. Event is a few hours away drive.

I dont mind being at the event with her as she is lovely and we do get on well, but no she has booked a night in the exact same hotel my DP and I are staying at. I was planning on doing things with him the day after, just us. We don't have a lot of money so this was sort of our Valentine's/anniversary event and we wanted to take full advantage of being away.

Would I BU to offer to drive her with us to the event but then ask that she takes the train home as we have plans the next day? Or is this mean? I don't want to make this shit for her as the whole thing was her idea, but when I agreed I had something totally different in mind.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/01/2018 19:05

Ask her what plans she has for the day after and that you don't mind giving her lift home but it will be later on. She should get the hint that she's not spending the day with you.

DarkPeakScouter · 28/01/2018 19:05

Just drop it into casual conversation in way down how much you’re enjoying getting away from kids for a romantic break. You might even ask if she needs to be dropped at train/bus station inthe morning

Beeziekn33ze · 28/01/2018 19:07

Did she tell you about the event hoping for a lift?

DontLetMeBeMisunderstood · 28/01/2018 19:07

@Viviennemary - lumbered? How delightful!

Just tell her that you’ve plans for the morning after but you’re happy to meet up when you’re leaving to give her a lift back. If I was your third wheel friend I’d be delighted that you we’re doing your own thing, and would be perfectly capable of doing my own thing for a day; in fact I’d prefer it.

DontLetMeBeMisunderstood · 28/01/2018 19:08

*were not we’re

beautyandthebeasty · 28/01/2018 19:08

Christ some people are so dramatic!!!
She's a grown woman, that can easily make her own way home. She's not 12!
I'm sure she'll be grateful for the lift there and should be happy to make her own way back.
I'd be keen to have the day just with DH too. I'd hate having to watch the clock ready for picking her up again to take home.
YANBU at all. Enjoy your weekend Grin

MadMags · 28/01/2018 19:08

Just do something!

Text: “Hi, would you like a lift to the event? We can pick you up at x time. The next day we’re celebrating valentines and anniversary but if you’re planning on being there for the day, we can bring you home that night.”

QueenDramaLlama · 28/01/2018 19:09

Just be honest with her, ask if she'll get the train home or if she's doing her own thing for the day then you can meet later and all drive back together.

VogelsTrust · 28/01/2018 19:09

TBH if she is “lovely” then I’m sure she’ll understand.

Just contact her ASAP and be honest and straightforward with your very normal sounding reason so she gets lots of time in advance to sort her transport/arrange her own thing. I’d be upfront about the finances as well - everyone is tightening their belts in this economy and it makes perfect sense, so she knows you aren’t just “dropping” her

Presumably the event is of interest to get, she’l be chatting to people there, if she’s anything like me she’ll be enjoying the chance to maybe go for coffee/shopping solo and chill out in a big solo hotel room bed

(I wouldn’t actually enjoy tagging round with a couple for a whole weekend!)

I often get offered lifts etc as I don’t drive and although it’s a nice thing to do, I’d be mortified if I found out someone had had a disappointing weekend due to going out of their way for me!

I would contact her ASAP though, because the longer you leave it the more awkward it would get and the more expensive her transport would be.

viques · 28/01/2018 19:09

I would make sure that her returning by train is a possibility if it is a Sunday service, it would be a bit mean to lumber her with an impossible journey home.

RebootYourEngine · 28/01/2018 19:12

I feel a bit sorry for her.

All three of you were going to go to this event which is several hours drive away and you werent even going to give her a lift when she doesnt drive.

I would just say to her what pp have said, tell her that you and dh have plans for the next day but if she wants to hang around in the area you can give her a lift home.

SwarmOfCats · 28/01/2018 19:14

Just get in touch and ask her what her plans are and tell her yours! No need to drop hints or wait until you’re on the way, as some have suggested - if she had assumed that she was going to have a lift back with you in the morning it’d be much better to make sure she knows your plans sooner rather than later. If she’s lovely I’m sure this won’t be a big deal at all. It’s nothing to worry about!

LizardMonitor · 28/01/2018 19:18

“Hi friend, looking forward to the event! Just let you know DH and I are taking the child free opportunity to celebrate our anniversary the following day and we’re going out for lunch etc. Obviously v happy to give you a lift back but it won’t be til xx o’clock, if you want to rendezvous then? So excited! See you!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 28/01/2018 19:20

OP, she's a grown woman, capable of making her own way home. However, you do need to tell her sooner, rather than later, about your plans.
You are not responsible for her.
Have a brilliant weekend.

Pigflewpast · 28/01/2018 19:20

Why on Earth weren't you going to offer her a lift? Or did you expect them to go separately if her DH had been going? If we arrange tickets to go somewhere with friends then we expect to be with those friends! I think you're being very rude to expect her to stay in a different hotel or not spend the next day with you, you've arranged to go to the event with her. It would be normal if you're going a long way to arrange the weekend or next day as a group.

rothbury · 28/01/2018 19:21

I am aghast you would do this to be honest!!

Your "lovely" friend tells you about something that is of real interest to you, do you want to go with her? Yes, you do, you and DH. You really think it's OK to tell her to fuck off and get the train back on her own? Shock

This makes you sound very selfish and I would be terribly hurt if I were the friend.

Nanna50 · 28/01/2018 19:23

So if she’s closer to your DH ask him to deal with it. She told him about the event, you assumed she was taking her OH but you knew when you booked she wasn’t. Why did you not mention to her at the time of booking that you had decided to turn her idea to attend an event into a weekend away for you and DH?

BoomBoomsCousin · 28/01/2018 19:23

What SwarmOfCats says. When you offer the lift up just make it clear. The idea that you would offer her a lift, avoid mentioning that you aren't planning on bringing her back and then dropping hints at what is basically the last minute is a horrendous plan. I can't believe people would do something so cowardly and mean spirited to someone they like. Shock

category12 · 28/01/2018 19:23

I think it's weird that you decided to turn an event she suggested to you into a coupley-romantic getaway thing.

LemonShark · 28/01/2018 19:25

This one is simple! Just ask her what her plans are for the second day. Then you can say you are DH are having a romantic day while you're sans kids. If her reply to your question is 'hanging with you of course!' you can phrase it as 'aww that'd have been nice but we already have plans as a couple'. If she says she's got plans on her own then you're already sorted.

I've had to deal with a similar issue myself recently, I managed not to get the same hotel as the friend luckily! I just kinda put off telling him until he found his own. So we will do the event as a three on the evening and then OH and I are free to do our own thing back at the hotel and the following day.

Pigflewpast · 28/01/2018 19:26

I agree category, not just weird but bloody rude

notsohippychick · 28/01/2018 19:26

What lizard said!!!! Spot on.

Rudgie47 · 28/01/2018 19:29

I'd never want to go away for the weekend with a couple! I'd feel really uncomfortable.
Surely she wouldnt want to spend the next day with you as well? I'd just say I'd give her a lift back but wanted to spend the day with my husband/partner having some time together.

Wayfarersonbaby · 28/01/2018 19:33

Good grief, just say to her "Do you mind if we have a lunch just me and DH the following day for a celebration, but if you don't mind doing your own thing at lunch we'd be very happy to give you a lift home later on." Then she can decide whether to wait or get the train. If it was me I'd be delighted to have a few free hours on my own! However I do think you'd be very unreasonable not to offer her a lift back. Single train tickets often cost the same as returns and YABU to be talking about her as a "third wheel" - just adult up and make normal arrangements that are considerate and fair.

cathcath2 · 28/01/2018 19:38

Text: “Hi, would you like a lift to the event? We can pick you up at x time. The next day we’re celebrating valentines and anniversary but if you’re planning on being there for the day, we can bring you home that night.”
^
This.

Please do not put off texting her - train fares can quadruple (or more) when you book them at short notice versus booking way in advance.