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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third-wheel friend....AIBU to ask her to get a train home?

238 replies

BaldricksTrousers · 28/01/2018 18:33

So my dp and I were told about this really fun event by a friend of ours. We aren't super close but have been out together a few times, etc. I assumed she was bringing her dp to make a double date so I offered to book the tickets. Turns out she was planning on attending by herself with us, and I didn't find out until the moment I was booking. Event is a few hours away drive.

I dont mind being at the event with her as she is lovely and we do get on well, but no she has booked a night in the exact same hotel my DP and I are staying at. I was planning on doing things with him the day after, just us. We don't have a lot of money so this was sort of our Valentine's/anniversary event and we wanted to take full advantage of being away.

Would I BU to offer to drive her with us to the event but then ask that she takes the train home as we have plans the next day? Or is this mean? I don't want to make this shit for her as the whole thing was her idea, but when I agreed I had something totally different in mind.

OP posts:
NegansDollFace · 29/01/2018 11:32

Few things to clarify here. Did she actually invite you? You said she was closer to your DP, did she want to go with him and not your or did she invite the two of you? Did she ask for a ride to the event or are you assuming she wants one? And again how do you know she even wants to spend time with you the next day? If you don’t ‘mind’ being around her why are you going to the event with her?

Agree completely with, Little. How the fuck is she meant to know you want couple time on the friend outing she suggestedif you don’t open your mouth and tell her?

HouseworkIsASin10 · 29/01/2018 11:43

I think she's mentioned this event in the hope of somebody else going so she can hitch a ride.

You can't make her get the train home.

Just tell her you and DP are doing your own thing the day after and tell her to meet you at XXX time for driving home.

HolyShet · 29/01/2018 11:54

Basic communications problem on part of OP and her DP
Too late to have a couples weekend now, the clue was when you booked 3 tickets.
How would you feel if you were the friend?

AJPTaylor · 29/01/2018 11:54

No drama.
Just text and say "you are welcome to travel with us. We are taking advantage of no dc and have plans on Sunday. We will be driving back at 6.30. Just thought id give you the heads up in case you wanted to pre book a train ticket.

Bonez · 29/01/2018 12:00

It really isn't a big deal to let her know before you travel down there. 'Hi friend. Just letting you know you're welcome to jump in our car on the way to the event but the day after you should know that we have made plans to spend the day together as an early Valentine's Day kind of thing and to also celebrate our anniversary. You're welcome to jump in with us if you're still around. We should be heading from at x time. Up to you!'

SharonBottsPoundOfGrapes · 29/01/2018 12:08

Plan your romantic weekend for another time. It sounds a bit odd you would turn a friends suggestion of a fun event for you all into a coupley loved up thing. She probably didn't think you'd take her idea for friendly bonding time into ShagFest 2018. (Just a thought maybe she really likes you and invited you to something youd really like to get to know you better?)

NewSingleMummy · 29/01/2018 12:12

Just be completely honest with her

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 29/01/2018 12:23

You are being out of order, you wouldn't even be going if she hadn't suggested it, lovely friend you are.

Nanny0gg · 29/01/2018 12:23

A friend tells you about an event and you arrange to go together. I cant imagine then not spending it with them whether they were in a couple or single.
We’d go together, stay together and return together.

I think you’d be very rude to ditch her.

Baffy · 29/01/2018 12:37

I'm with the previous posters who have said they're not sure what the big deal is here...

Text: “Hi, would you like a lift to the event? We can pick you up at x time. The next day we’re celebrating valentines and anniversary but if you’re planning on being there for the day, we can bring you home that night.”
^
This.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 29/01/2018 12:40

I'd be interested to hear your friend's perspective on this – I imagine it would be something like this -

"I told my friends about an event I thought we would all enjoy. They seemed keen. We all booked accommodation to stay in the same hotel afterwards. I was really looking forward to seeing them. Now, they've suddenly made it clear that the don't want to socialise with me after all. I feel hurt, left out and in the way."

LarkDescending · 29/01/2018 12:48

Is there any evidence this the friend is expecting a lift in either direction, or planning to hang around OP/DP as a “third-wheel”? For all we know she might already have booked train travel in both directions and made independent plans for the next day (or be leaving early to get back to her own DP). Unless I have missed something the whole premise of the thread seems rather presumptuous.

LarkDescending · 29/01/2018 12:48

*that the friend

Boulshired · 29/01/2018 13:50

Feel a bit sorry for the friend at some point she is going to realise that this event she is going to with friends has changed to a romantic break and the sooner she can piss off the better. Should have been made clear to her at the booking of three tickets.

MrsPreston11 · 29/01/2018 14:11

I think people are being a bit dramatic.

OP isn't suggesting they abandon the friend at the concert or whatever!

And when booking they didn't even mention the next day, just the night of the actual event. Which they will do as a 3.

But because you go to a concert together doesn't mean you HAVE to spend the following day together!

MrsPreston11 · 29/01/2018 14:12

The way I'm reading it the romantic break part will start once they get to the hotel after the event.

FilledSoda · 29/01/2018 15:01

Just ask her what her plans are

IHaveBrilloHair · 29/01/2018 15:08

I think it's a bit weird people are calling it a lift, surely you are going together, I'd only call it a lift if I was taking someone somewhere as a favour.
If my friend and I go to the Cinema and I drive, I'd never call it a lift, we are going together, bit weird to suggest she gets the train,and we meet thereHmm
If you want to spend the following day as a couple, fine,though I do think it's a bit off, the nicest thing to do would be to leave in the morning with your friend, then have couple time in your home town.

expatinscotland · 29/01/2018 15:17

Have now read the whole thread. So you were told about the event by a mutual friend but now she's the third wheel because she's not bringing her partner and you decided you wanted a couples weekend. I'd be honest with her, so she can decide if she wants to hang out with people who consider her company a millstone.

babyccinoo · 29/01/2018 15:33

IHaveBrilloHair

Yes but if one person is always going then driving (esp long distances), then you need to see it as more transactional (I.e. Non driver should pay their share of petrol for the lift).

Couples go together, they don't split petrol costs.

honeyroar · 29/01/2018 15:34

If I saw something I knew my friends would enjoy and we booked it, I'd assume we were going to arrange travel there together. And if we had arranged a lift there, I'd definitely assume there'd be a lift back again! I'd feel awful if my friends wanted to dump me and extend the trip into a couples time. My husband and I regularly take friends without their other halves to an event that we all enjoy hundreds of miles away (their partners don't like it). I wouldn't dream of making them travel home alone and having couples time. We'd do that on a different trip when it was just us. If we'd wanted a couple trip we wouldn't have arranged to go with friends in the first place!

expatinscotland · 29/01/2018 15:37

'Couples go together, they don't split petrol costs.'

Why wouldn't they if they're going in one car? I don't charge mates petrol if I was going there in the first place, though. I mean, WTF, I was going that way anyway. If a mate tries to pay, I turn it down.

So you think a person should pay only if they're not going as part of a couple?

newyearsameme80 · 29/01/2018 15:39

Why would you think a lone female you’d attended an event with would then choose to go back to a different hotel on her own?

babyccinoo · 29/01/2018 15:45

Yes expat, I've never charged B friend for petrol (and laughed at someone who charges 20p to take someone to the high st).

I just meant that it's not fair on one person to do lots of long distance driving and have to pay all the petrol all the time,

In OP's case, it was the friend who suggested they go together and sneakily didn't mention she www going sans OH.

IHaveBrilloHair · 29/01/2018 15:45

If I'm going somewhere anyway I'd never ask for petrol money.
My friend and I are going for lunch on Saturday, I'm driving, I wouldnt dream of asking for money or calling it a lift.
(It's after an event we are going to together on the Friday night as it happens, we aren't traveling together as I'm 2 hours south of the city and she's 30 minutes north)