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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third-wheel friend....AIBU to ask her to get a train home?

238 replies

BaldricksTrousers · 28/01/2018 18:33

So my dp and I were told about this really fun event by a friend of ours. We aren't super close but have been out together a few times, etc. I assumed she was bringing her dp to make a double date so I offered to book the tickets. Turns out she was planning on attending by herself with us, and I didn't find out until the moment I was booking. Event is a few hours away drive.

I dont mind being at the event with her as she is lovely and we do get on well, but no she has booked a night in the exact same hotel my DP and I are staying at. I was planning on doing things with him the day after, just us. We don't have a lot of money so this was sort of our Valentine's/anniversary event and we wanted to take full advantage of being away.

Would I BU to offer to drive her with us to the event but then ask that she takes the train home as we have plans the next day? Or is this mean? I don't want to make this shit for her as the whole thing was her idea, but when I agreed I had something totally different in mind.

OP posts:
strawberriesaregood · 29/01/2018 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 29/01/2018 20:56

@strawberry

Of ffs she isn't third wheeling or gatecrashing the event she invited them on.

Jesus Christ Confused

babyccinoo · 29/01/2018 20:59

LittleMiss, she went about it very sneakily, I think. She wanted a lift.

category12 · 29/01/2018 21:09

Three people who are supposedly friends going to the same event buying tickets together and somehow the notion of sharing a car ride is cheeky or sneaky?! Wtf?

PickleFish · 29/01/2018 21:12

lunch is different than an event several hours away that you are both likely to stay overnight at, though. If it was with friends, I still think the default plan would be to do things together, and if there was something different that they wanted to happen, they should have said so earlier. Otherwise most friends would assume they were having an outing together. I'd assume that we as a group might discuss transport, whether it be train or car or whatever, but that generally we'd expect to travel together, if someone didn't say so otherwise early on in the planning.

But then, I guess the difference is that the OP doesn't really consider this person much of a friend, more of an acquaintance and doesn't specially want to spend more time with her than needed.

People aren't saying cancel an anniversary trip. They're saying offer the friend a lift back the next day. Or all go by train and come back at different times if you want. But I'd still feel obviously ditched as a friend, in the latter case, if I'd been thinking of it as a trip to spend time with my friends, rather than an event that some acquantainces happened to be at. I'd still be a little surprised to be told to bugger off if my friends added a couples-only trip to something I thought we were planning together, but at least spending the day myself and meeting up to go home together would make me feel a bit less unwanted. I doubt I'd be suggesting any more outings though.

strawberriesaregood · 29/01/2018 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 29/01/2018 21:57

That's fine strawberry I understand your point Smile

I think I was more defensive over friend as she doesn't know about the couple plans and probably has no idea it's their anniversary unless she's a very good mind reader. I'msure once she actually knows the plans for the couple day she will plan something herself :) she just needs a bit of an indication OP has other plans

IHaveBrilloHair · 29/01/2018 22:04

Yes, she sneakily suggested the event to her friend because she wanted a lift.
FFS.
After reading this thread I feel very lucky to have such lovely friends, unlike most of you.

expatinscotland · 29/01/2018 22:46

Me, too, Brillo. Fuckin' hell.

MrsCrabbyTree · 30/01/2018 00:01

To me, it sounds like a lack of communication - maybe on purpose or maybe not.

Friend A doesn't mention her husband is not attending event and other friend B doesn't mention her and her husbands intention to celebrate their anniversary. Either friend or both could be accused of having an ulterior motive. Friend A requiring a lift and Friend B a passive aggressive payback for not being told about friend A's husband not going.

If I was the OP, I would forget about having a romantic Sunday unless friend has other plans. You are changing the parameters of this weekend.

strawberriesaregood · 30/01/2018 00:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sashkin · 30/01/2018 00:44

One of my friends did something similar to me and DH (I told her we were going to a music festival in Barcelona as our only trip away together that year, and the next thing I knew she’d booked to come with us Confused).

I would definitely speak to your friend in advance - my friend got quite pissy about us wanting to go off and do couple things together on our fucking family holiday because she was left on her own. She would bang on our hotel room door at 9am to get us up and out sightseeing, when we wanted to have sex a lie in. Our friendship has never been quite the same tbh.

expatinscotland · 30/01/2018 07:47

'One of my friends did something similar to me and DH (I told her we were going to a music festival in Barcelona as our only trip away together that year, and the next thing I knew she’d booked to come with us confused).'

That is not at all similar because the OP states that it was the friend who told them of the event in the first place.The OP then made the booking voluntarily, knowing the friend was going on her own. But again, I'd rather she (the OP) told me the truth so I could flog my ticket and cancel my hotel and get rid of such friends altogether.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 30/01/2018 07:54

@Brillo "Yes, she sneakily suggested the event to her friend because she wanted a lift.
FFS.
After reading this thread I feel very lucky to have such lovely friends, unlike most of you."

This 100% ^

MadMags · 30/01/2018 09:21

@Sashkin then no, it’s not similar at all.

gateto · 30/01/2018 13:33

the thing that strikes me odd about this is that, even although you now know it's going to be the three of you, you are still hoping to make it a romantic/coupley thing.

surely when you realised her DP wasn't coming, you stopped looking at it as a couples thing and more like three friends?

IHaveBrilloHair · 30/01/2018 14:36

That's exactly how my couple friends do things, we are just mates together in that situation, but some couples seem find single people odd/strange.
I'm happily single by choice, have no intention of getting in the way of 'couple time', when it's obviously that, but I'd be pissed off to be treated like a third wheel too(unless the event in the Op is a dogging thing and the Op is worried the mate will want a go on her husbandGrin)

LittleMissUnreasonable · 30/01/2018 15:06

A large group of us went away for a friend's birthday last year for the weekend as a group of couples and single people.

One couple insisted on turning it into couple time. "We'll spend birthday with you 'DF but we're going to do our own things for the rest of the weekend. We will see you for a meal in the evening

Everyone else, couple or no couple, booked the same or nearby hotel, spent the weekend together as a group and had an absolute blast.

The Couple who wanted to do their own things for the rest of the birthday weekend were seen as rude and odd. It would have probably been less offensive for birthday girl if they'd have just gone home early without staying in the same city but not wanting to spend much time with her.

IHaveBrilloHair · 30/01/2018 15:16

I went on holiday with a married couple and all our kids, it was great, but we were just a group of mates/teens/younger ones.
One day we went swimming, all three adults and the two youngest kids, another night me and the wife went to the bar/evening entertainment with the teens and so on, different mixes at different times, no one was made to feel like a third wheel.

ittakes2 · 30/01/2018 16:41

Just say you have plans for the Sunday - and ask her if she would prefer to meet you at such and such location at such and such a time - or would she prefer to catch the train home and offer to drop her at the station after breakfast. Give her a choice for transport. But don’t give her an option to spend the day with you. You agreed to go to an event together - not spend the whole weekend together.

KnowsStuff · 30/01/2018 17:39

If you are giving her a lift TO the event it would be very bad manners and quite frankly a bit mean possibly endangering her personal safety, not to give her a lift BACK. Especially as staying in the same hotel. That however is where your obligation ends. On the way back you can take the opportunity to tell her how lovely it’s been to see her and how you and (your partner) are looking forward to spending some quality time as a couple together exclusively tomorrow. If she still insists on inviting herself with you next day, she is being rude and a more direct approach would be appropriate. It seems this situation happened due to assumptions on both sides.

iMogster · 30/01/2018 17:47

You agreed to go to an event together - not spend the whole weekend together.

^ This

Make it clear you're doing own thing on the second day, but definitely give lift back as you gave lift there.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 30/01/2018 18:02

Just tell her you’ve booked some anniversary things to do with your husband but you’re more than happy to give her a lift back - she can’t meet you at a specific place and time. And say you can leave your luggage in the car so you don’t have to carry it around

Charismam · 30/01/2018 18:07

Blimey, who'd be single! People worrying that you may be present at the same event as them. Even though they like you. Even though you're friends, they still don't really want you there Sad

I'm always very conscious of this brutally harsh reality though and I even though other people don't own the bar/hotel/event/world I often find myself asking if it's ok if I join them for this walk/show/drink....... (just breaking it down in to the next thing, so they don't think they'll have me on an extended basis)

AtomHeart · 30/01/2018 18:07

Sounds a bit mean on her TBH