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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third-wheel friend....AIBU to ask her to get a train home?

238 replies

BaldricksTrousers · 28/01/2018 18:33

So my dp and I were told about this really fun event by a friend of ours. We aren't super close but have been out together a few times, etc. I assumed she was bringing her dp to make a double date so I offered to book the tickets. Turns out she was planning on attending by herself with us, and I didn't find out until the moment I was booking. Event is a few hours away drive.

I dont mind being at the event with her as she is lovely and we do get on well, but no she has booked a night in the exact same hotel my DP and I are staying at. I was planning on doing things with him the day after, just us. We don't have a lot of money so this was sort of our Valentine's/anniversary event and we wanted to take full advantage of being away.

Would I BU to offer to drive her with us to the event but then ask that she takes the train home as we have plans the next day? Or is this mean? I don't want to make this shit for her as the whole thing was her idea, but when I agreed I had something totally different in mind.

OP posts:
faerveren · 28/01/2018 19:41

The whole thing was her idea but when you agreed you had something else in mind? I think you’re a CF jumping on her idea and calling her the third wheel and making out she is the problem when it is actually you who has caused it Confused

LavenderDoll · 28/01/2018 19:42

How is she the third wheel when it was her idea?
Sounds like you are.

Etaina · 28/01/2018 19:43

Could you all drive home early in the morning and then you and your DH spend time together at home/closer to home?

Wauden · 28/01/2018 19:43

Its a bit unclear- you say she is lovely, she told you about this event, then you grudgingly say you 'don't mind being with her on the day'. Don't mind? Big of you!

sallysellsseashells · 28/01/2018 19:45

OP I think there are a lot of assumptions being made here that friend wants to travel with you and spend lots of time with you. if i were friend, I much prefer to get the train there and back and sort out my own arrangements, except for the event. In fact, if you told me that you wanted to celebrate your anniversary whilst away, i'd probably assume that you wanted to make as much use of the hotel room as possible, and happily keep out of your way. Just get in touch with her asap, tell her your plans and, if you want, offer her a lift there.

RebelRogue · 28/01/2018 19:50

So let me get this straight...

Friend mentioned a fun event that you and DP want to join. You book tickets for all 3.
Now you are pissy because you assume she's going to want to spend time with you guys, booked a hotel room and might be around the next day?
And very outraged her partner was not included without prewarning you.
She hasn't asked for a ride,you plan to offer,but at the same time tell her to take the train back home?
Why offer to begin with if it's giving you so much headache?
You feel responsible for her? Really?

Hmmm a more cynical person would smell some jealousy. Not me though, i just smell spoilt and entitled.

OOOOOOOOOOO · 28/01/2018 19:52

I think it was daft of you to book THREE tickets and then decide to treat the weekend as a romantic couple weekend. Surely you must have worked out her DP wasn't coming when you booked the tickets 🤷🏻‍♀️

Did you say anything when she asked for the hotel details?

Curtainshopping · 28/01/2018 19:54

I think that even if her DP was coming, it still would have been a bit rude and awkward to travel separately and bugger off the next day without them.

hevonbu · 28/01/2018 19:55

Maybe talk to your friend in person asap, so she doesn't have to find out by reading here on Mumsnet (bet she's on the website too).

Bubbinsmakesthree · 28/01/2018 19:59

If there has been no prior discussion or assumptions made about transport, and train is a realistic and affordable alternative, I think it is fine to offer a one-way lift.

If she'll be assuming a lift is on the cards or a train is likely to be expensive or inconvenient you need to offer a lift back.

PurpleDaisies · 28/01/2018 20:01

I think it's weird that you decided to turn an event she suggested to you into a coupley-romantic getaway thing.

I agree with this. You’ve had such a weird reaction to this.

Surely anyone going to an event several hours away that you’re booking as s group would expect to travel together?

LemonShark · 28/01/2018 20:01

To be fair if friend is expecting a lift home without being offered one she's being a bit of a cheeky fucker too.

windchimesabotage · 28/01/2018 20:03

just say you can give her a lift there but not back as you have plans with your DH the next day!! And tell her quickly so that she can sort out her transport back.
Theres no problem with this. I would not be offended if someone told me this as long as they had given me enough time to sort out my transport and what i was going to do and it wasnt like the night before the event that they told me.

MrsDilber · 28/01/2018 20:06

Someone said tell a white lie - that's the last thing you ought to do, the truth is fine and won't bite you on the ass. Tell her you and DH are having a romantic rare day together, without DC, you don't get much time alone and you're going to make the most of it. If you want a lift home, could we meet at x time and we'll take you home, but if you decide to leave earlier, that's OK too. Tell her you feel awkward about it if you want to.

Viviennemary · 28/01/2018 20:16

The truth isn't OK. You can't just say shove off mate we're here for a romantic weekend so yah boo sucks. Get the bus home. You need to be diplomatic. Grin

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 28/01/2018 20:20

'We don't mind taking you up at all but I'm afraid you have to make your own way back as we've got plans - excited for X date!'

Done. You owe her nothing.

Original poster
BaldricksTrousers · 28/01/2018 20:23

So when we talked about this event pre-booking, I was under the assumption through her that it would not be us three. I was only aware that she would indeed be coming alone as I was literally booking tickets. So my idea of a couples weekend was not after I booked the tickets, but before. It would have been incredibly awkward at that point to be like, no we don't want to go now if it's just you!

At this point also there was no talk of even staying overnight. I booked the hotel room the same day as getting tickets and she booked hers way after, after asking me what we were doing after the event.

She is closer to DP but not especially close to either of us.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 28/01/2018 20:24

Have you messaged her, yet, OP?
I'd message along liens of, "looking forward to event. Going to make most of child free time for romance! Would it help if we gave you a lift there? Can't sort return journey as playing the next day by ear. I suspect you're already sorted with travel but offer of lift there is still open x"

ceesadu18 · 28/01/2018 20:28

If you have plans with your partner, just tell her. She doesn't have a choice but to make her own way home. I wouldn't worry too much about it. She'll understand.

ceesadu18 · 28/01/2018 20:28

Love Tistheseason's message idea.

beautyandthebeasty · 28/01/2018 20:30

Yes- what @Tistheseason17 said!
I get what you're saying op, you could hardly say oh in that case we won't go if it's just you.

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 28/01/2018 20:31

How could you tell someone they have to take the train back?! Shock

"Dear friend, that was a fun day. thanks, now off you fuck, toodlepip"

Maybe she never thought you'd bring your dh?!

Jux · 28/01/2018 20:35

You are not responsible for her. You can certainly tell her that you & dh will be busy the next day taking advatage of getting time together without child. You don't have to offer her a lit home or even tell her to get herself home. Just tell her that you have couple plans.

She may ask what you're up to, just say "oh, you know, couple things!", she'll assume you're going to spend Sunday shagging! As you're spending the day in bed you have no idea what time you'll finish so no idea what time you'll be leaving. Keep it vague and keep reminding her how much you're looking forward to spending the evening before with her.

I say this as someone who has, in years gone by, spent many a time in the position of your friend. Happy to take the lift up, spend the evening with my couple friends and then do my own thing the next day and get myself home.

sonjadog · 28/01/2018 20:35

Just text her and tell her that you will be doing couple things the next day but you can give her a lift home at x time if she wants. It isn´t worth a lot of drama.

FluffyWuffy100 · 28/01/2018 20:40

Just say you’re planning having soem child free couple time on Sunday - would she prefer to meet you in the evening for a loft back or get the train home? No drama