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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third-wheel friend....AIBU to ask her to get a train home?

238 replies

BaldricksTrousers · 28/01/2018 18:33

So my dp and I were told about this really fun event by a friend of ours. We aren't super close but have been out together a few times, etc. I assumed she was bringing her dp to make a double date so I offered to book the tickets. Turns out she was planning on attending by herself with us, and I didn't find out until the moment I was booking. Event is a few hours away drive.

I dont mind being at the event with her as she is lovely and we do get on well, but no she has booked a night in the exact same hotel my DP and I are staying at. I was planning on doing things with him the day after, just us. We don't have a lot of money so this was sort of our Valentine's/anniversary event and we wanted to take full advantage of being away.

Would I BU to offer to drive her with us to the event but then ask that she takes the train home as we have plans the next day? Or is this mean? I don't want to make this shit for her as the whole thing was her idea, but when I agreed I had something totally different in mind.

OP posts:
Gide · 28/01/2018 20:46

Say what Tistheseason said. Perfect.

StealthPolarBear · 28/01/2018 20:47

Your dp needs to deal with thid

RebelRogue · 28/01/2018 20:53

Or here's a novel idea. Don't offer,since you don't want to anyways. In fact don't mention it at all besides "see you there" . She'll make her own travel arrangements.

Grimbles · 28/01/2018 20:58

If I plan with a friend to go somewhere for an event together I usually assume that means the return journey is included - not just getting there and the event itself. I'd expect to be told if my friend had made plans to go off and do something else afterwards.

HolyShet · 28/01/2018 21:10

You should have told her your plan before booking tix.
How does she know what hotel you're in/ that you are even staying over?
There will have been many opportunities to not behave like a meanie sort this out along the way
I think its obvious if someone makes a plan to go to a thing with mates (presumably asking if you two fancy going as her partner doesn't) they will be expecting to hang out with them on the trip.

DarkPeakScouter · 28/01/2018 23:41

What Tis said

Witchend · 28/01/2018 23:56

I don't see it as an issue. If I was going and didn't drive I'd be thankful for the lift there.

Did friend invite them in order to get a lift? If so, then she's being cheeky to assume that is fine.
If not, she would have gone without them and would have made her own way there and back so a lift one way is a bonus.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 29/01/2018 00:45

I get you want time with your dh, but With the greatest respect, Who are you to say who can and who can't stay in the hotel.

OOOOOOOOOOO · 29/01/2018 00:48

I was only aware that she would indeed be coming alone as I was literally booking tickets. So my idea of a couples weekend was not after I booked the tickets, but before. It would have been incredibly awkward at that point to be like, no we don't want to go now if it's just you!

🤷🏻‍♀️ Umm, and you don't think it's EVEN MORE incredibly awkward to tell her you don't want to hang out with her after you booked her her ticket and told her what hotel you were staying in.
I don't get why you were so concerned about her feelings then but not now. I get that you haven't done this to deliberately hurt her feelings but you were really silly to pretend you were ok with her going on her own with you.

I think it's really unfair of you to do anything other than be honest with her at this stage. Was the ticket expensive! Could she resell it? Might it be possible for her to cancel her hotel room. If I were her I would rather know ASAP - I wouldn't want to go with you at all.

AntiHop · 29/01/2018 00:52

Be honest with her.

strawberriesaregood · 29/01/2018 01:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 29/01/2018 01:28

Could she resell it? Might it be possible for her to cancel her hotel room?

Why the hell should she? The event was her idea in the first place!

If you’re going to an event with friends, why wouldn’t you book the same hotel?

I think it’s weird trying to make all about you and your DH when SHE suggested it and you bought tickets together. I’d see it as something the 3 of you are doing that weekend.

It’s mean calling her the 3rd wheel when it was HER suggestion.

BoomBoomsCousin · 29/01/2018 01:31

I booked the hotel room the same day as getting tickets and she booked hers way after, after asking me what we were doing after the event.

This would have been the ideal time to tell her you were tagging a romantic night/following day on to your trip. Since you haven't, you need to do it when you talk to her about transport. Tell her that you are happy to give her a lift up but are planning a romantic day with your DP the next day and either say she should make arrangements to get home or, if you are happy to give her a ride home after, then say you can meet up at x time if she'd like a ride back as well. Do this in good time so she can get the cheaper, advance train tickets if she's going to make her own way home.

ScouseQueen · 29/01/2018 01:36

Yes, I also thought there was a missed opportunity when she asked you what you were doing after the event to get your couply intentions in. You haven't helped yourself here.

OOOOOOOOOOO · 29/01/2018 01:38

Annie

I agree that the friend shouldn't have to resell the ticket - she hasn't done anything wrong, however if I were the friend I wouldn't want to be going to an event with people who don't want to hang out with me.

The OP needs to be honest with the friend.

safariboot · 29/01/2018 03:44

You all go to the event together on day 1, you split and do your own thing on day 2, you rejoin for the drive back. AIBU to think that's not bloody difficult?

babyccinoo · 29/01/2018 03:54

Have you already offered her a lift there? Will she be paying for some petrol?

HoppingPavlova · 29/01/2018 03:56

I just don't understand the massive drama you are making out of it.
You are giving her a lift as you are going there yourself, no problem?
You will see show and she will be with you given you have booked the tickets together?
Then let her know what time you are leaving the following day in order to meet up with you if she wants a lift back as you will be busy until that time. If she wants to leave earlier she can arrange her own way back.

I'm not understanding the hand wringing and drama. What have I missed?

Lashalicious · 29/01/2018 04:32

So she mentioned the idea to your dp, not you (and she’s closer to him).

Which means she knew from the beginning that he would be coming along with you and she planned on being the third wheel. And didn’t spring it on you until the moment you booked the tickets.

She’s managed to give your dp the idea, secure a ride for herself to and from, get you to book her ticket, and plans to tag along with you two for an entire weekend, leaving her own dp at home, making sure to book your hotel when she finds out where you’re staying so she doesn’t miss a moment’s quality time with her couple. Ok.

I think that’s a little awkward and a little strange. Maybe you’re the third wheel?

StealthPolarBear · 29/01/2018 06:12

"Maybe she never thought you'd bring your dh?"
She originally suggested it to the dp

LittleMissUnreasonable · 29/01/2018 08:03

"I get you want time with your dh, but With the greatest respect, Who are you to say who can and who can't stay in the hotel."

This!! You don't have dibs on the entire hotel. It's not like she's going to be sharing the same bed as you and your DP Grin come on!

@strawberry
"Only on MN is it “rude” and “selfish” to mind a random mate tagging on to a romantic/dirty Valentine’s hotel stay!"

Oh please just read the thread again! Friend invited op's Dp (and possibly OP ) to an event they would all enjoy. OP decided to Turn it into a couples weekend. Friend is hardly gatecrashing an event she bloody well organised

OPjust please tell friend asap as train prices now are extortionate and she can hopeful book a cheap train back or you can all meet up again. I know you aren't obliged to her but as she organised it it's only fair to keep her in the loop a bit :)

Trills · 29/01/2018 08:16

I would originally have said that you are massively overthinking this, and of course it's fine for her to make her own way home or meet up with you later to drive back.

But it turns out that there are people on this thread who WOULD be terribly upset and insulted at you not wanting to hang out with them on the second day.

Let's just hope she is not one of them.

jellycat1 · 29/01/2018 08:45

Honestly sounds like the whole thing is a bust. Everyone going with different expectations. Waste of a child free weekend. I'd cancel and do something else just the two of you.

Jux · 29/01/2018 09:26

Friend didn't organise it, really, did she? She 'invited' op's dp, who presumably invited op, and then op organised it by booking tickets. OP also booked hotel for herself and her dp. Oresumably her dp was aware op was do8ng all this and approving.

Did op's dp say at any time "oh but what about my mate who is going too?", presumably not.
Did he say "what shall we do on the Sunday together with my mate?", presumably not.

Perhaps, op and her dp spoke about what more they might do together that weekend, having got a babysitter for their child together? Had conversations together? Like couples so often do.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 29/01/2018 09:56

Forgot that the common etiquette with some MN posters is that the almighty 'couple time' must trump everything....Friends be prepared to either be expected to cancel your plans last minute or be ushered into a hotel miles away before the couple disappears off into the sunset as you're now inconveniently the awkward third wheel now that The Couple have spoken and want their time together. Oh and don't be surprised at this plan? How dare you...you must somehow know psychically that the couple want Couple time and you are an inconvenience now to them...Wink

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