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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I'll never be enough?

158 replies

lovelystar · 28/01/2018 18:03

We hadn't been together long when I fell pregnant but my boyfriend convinced me it was what he wanted and we could make it work together and we'd be a happy family. So I stayed with him, miles away from my family and spent alot of time and money making up a home for us and getting everything ready. Now 4 weeks away from our little boy arriving and all he does is get angry and depressed that he can never see his friends anymore or 'smoke' with them and is miserable everytime he is with me, even described it as a 'ticking time bomb'. I understand it's hard to adjust and he may be freaking out but I gave him an out so many times and so many opportunities to back out without any blame from me. Now he's left it so late when I've moved all my belongings/furniture/baby items to where he is and made up a nursery and completely redecorsted a flat for us. We have the perfect family set up and I am more than ready to start our life as a family together but now I know it's not what he wants I'm struggling to look foward to it. I've given him everything, every part of me and all my effort but whenever I suggest moving back with my family where I have the support and love he says I'm being selfish and all women want to do is take babies away from their dads. He doesn't love me and only stays because he wants to see the baby and is scared I'll take him away. I would never stop him seeing his son and would never try and turn him against his dad either.

Sorry I know this is long but I just needed somewhere to vent because I feel completely hopeless and whatever I do I will never be enough or be enough to make him happy. I've poured every part of my life and soul into making this work and I do love him but now I know he's miserable I can't feel satisfied or fulfilled. I just wish he'd have let me know this isn't what he wants when I had time to make other arrangements. I'm stuck in a loveless relationship and can't get out. I'll never be enough whatever I do and it hurts :( how do I fix this.

OP posts:
HolyMountain · 28/01/2018 18:05

Go home to your family.

You say you love him but listen to him, if he’s like this now imagine how difficult he might become once the baby arrives.

Original poster
lovelystar · 28/01/2018 18:14

@HolyMountain That's all I want, but everything to do with the baby is here like the pram, cot, all the new furniture I bought for the nursery. My family also put alot of effort and money into buying me furniture and bits and bobs for the baby. I'm also so close to my due date and I have a high risk pregnancy so all my doctors/appointments are down here and not back home. I just wish it was alot simpler but to move would cause alot of disturbance and hassle for alot of people :(

OP posts:
HateTheDF · 28/01/2018 18:17

Go home to your family. You can get the furniture moved. I'm sure your family would want some disturbance now rather than later on when the baby is there. They'll want you to be happy and if being with them makes you happy then do it.

cunningartificer · 28/01/2018 18:23

This may not be the time to make a decision. If you’re set up medically for the birth where you are, stay put for the moment. Pre baby nerves affect both men and women and this kind of anxiety is not uncommon, though not everyone is honest about it. Even longstanding partnerships suffer from this.

Focus on the positive things that made you move. He sounds like he wants to be a good father, but he’s scared—just as you are—with the relationship fairly new. Don’t conclude he doesn’t love you because of what he says now under stress.

Once the baby arrives safely, things will clarify as you both get to know each other as parents. You may find you want to move back to your parents, or you might find that your life together has more going for it than you expect right now.

Original poster
lovelystar · 28/01/2018 18:52

At the moment I have no food other than noodles and bread because I spent all my money on the rent, bills and council tax as well as everything needed for the baby. He spent all his money on drinking and smoking weed which he feels he's entitled to because soon he won't be able to... I've been saving money since I was 16 and now it's all gone on the first 2 months rent, deposit and everything else that adds up. If he paid half we would still have quite a bit on the side to spend on things for us to do before the baby arrives (break away, occasional meal out). We've never been on a date

OP posts:
HolyMountain · 28/01/2018 19:20

A van can be hired and all the stuff can go back with you to your home town.

Your family love you and will want to help.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/01/2018 19:24

This will feel like an enormous decision at such a vulnerable time but honestly love you need to go home.

I promise it won't get better. It will only get worse.

Can you ring your mum and talk to her?

NoFear84 · 28/01/2018 19:28

He’s an utterly selfish person.

I think speak to your medical team to see about getting your care transferred.

Speak to your family and ask them to hire a van and leave

What are the high risks in your pregnancy? Is there a hospital near your family you would be happy with?

Jb291 · 28/01/2018 19:32

I think you need to be near your family and friends. Furniture and belongings can be moved with a van. Do not stay with this man who spends all of your money on drugs rather than on food. You are better off without him and your care can be moved.

cunningartificer · 28/01/2018 21:03

Oh ok that sounds not so possible. If he’s taking your money and there’s drugs involved then it’s time to call on family support. Go home.

Abracadabraapileofbollocks · 28/01/2018 21:18

Go home. It'd be too much to put on you to have a flakey and rocky foundation along with exhaustion, bonding with your child and afdjusting your whole life.
Fall into the support of family and friends. Start a new plan it will be an upheaval now, but an inconvenience now that will be of benefit to you and your child.

KimmySchmidt1 · 28/01/2018 21:26

First of all, never give your everything to anyone. Relationships are about balance and feeling equal, so when you give up everything, give someone everything and make yourself utterly vulnerable and dependent it is unnerving and offputting you throw it out of balance.

Your partner should feel like you love them but have standards and self respect and would walk away if they messed you about too much.

Secondly it’s not a good time to make big decisions as you’re very vulnerable and hormonal: if he is not up to the job of being a dad you will soon find out when the baby is born as that will be the rest of him.

Does he say he loves you? Or is he clear with you that he is only staying for the baby? He can’t stop you leaving but now may not be the best time to decide. Is he down as your birthing partner and does he plan to be there supporting you for the birth?

Hofty · 28/01/2018 21:26

Go home love Flowers

You need your family, and they'll want you and baby with them rather than this with little twat boy. Don't worry about the doctors/hospital/birth plan, that's easily sorted by registering at the doctors near your family and phoning their local hospital. The stuff is moveable, even if you can only take the most important bits and leave the rest.

You and your baby deserve better. If you can't leave him for your sake do it for your baby's. This will only get worse and you will be so so so vulnerable after baby is born. Your child deserves better. It's not fair for him to be raised around a druggie idiot. He needs you to do this for him. You can do it. Don't worry about the practicalities of leaving, just do it.

You sound very young and vulnerable, how old are you?

Hofty · 28/01/2018 21:29

KimmySchmidt

Secondly it’s not a good time to make big decisions as you’re very vulnerable and hormonal: if he is not up to the job of being a dad you will soon find out when the baby is born as that will be the rest of him.

She'll be even more hormonal and vulnerable after the birth. I don't think that's very good advice.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 28/01/2018 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FucksBizz · 28/01/2018 21:32

Whatshallidonowpeople
How is that remotely helpful? Hmm

Snowysky20009 · 28/01/2018 21:32

Sweetheart, you need to go home, things are only going to get harder. Call your parents tomorrow and tell them, if you were my child I'd have you moved out by the afternoon x

Mummaofboys · 28/01/2018 21:34

Go home now, newborns are so hard for first time mums, you are going to need support and help. Go home now why you can, it will be so much harder when baby arrives to pack up and take off back home.
You are not a failure for not making things work, put it down to experience and move on.

MoeSzyslaksTwinSister · 28/01/2018 21:34

Not all babies are planned. Accidents do happen.

I got pregnant very soon after DP moved in. Wasn't planned

MoeSzyslaksTwinSister · 28/01/2018 21:36

That was to whatshallidonowpeople.

Go home to your family. Call them and explain. They'll probably be straight over to help you.

lunar1 · 28/01/2018 21:36

Go home, it seems massive now, but it's far easier than raising a newborn with a man like this. Your midwife will transfer all the info over.

MikeAlphaMikeAlpha · 28/01/2018 21:36

ThanksThanksThanksPlease go home. It's a hard decision but the right one, you're not letting anyone down, you're doing what's right. You need nutritional food now and when the baby is born as well as Love a security. If it's hard now it's going to be 100x harder with a baby and he is not miraculously going to give up his weed and his immature mates when baby arrives. You can get help from social services if you need it.

Hofty · 28/01/2018 21:37

Honestly love, I had a relationship like this once. He will never change, once baby is here it will get so much harder to leave. Do it now. He doesn't deserve you, and your baby deserves a happy healthy mum who isn't in a horrible relationship.

MikeAlphaMikeAlpha · 28/01/2018 21:38

We all want life to be perfect but sometimes it's just not, take care of yourself

goose1964 · 28/01/2018 21:45

It sounds like he's scared about having to grow up. You both sound very young, he may raise to the occasion he may not. You need to make sure that you are looking after you and your baby , if that means going home to your family fun that's what you need to do.You can always transfer to another hospital