To feel like I'll never be enough?

[lovelystar]

We hadn't been together long when I fell pregnant but my boyfriend convinced me it was what he wanted and we could make it work together and we'd be a happy family. So I stayed with him, miles away from my family and spent alot of time and money making up a home for us and getting everything ready. Now 4 weeks away from our little boy arriving and all he does is get angry and depressed that he can never see his friends anymore or 'smoke' with them and is miserable everytime he is with me, even described it as a 'ticking time bomb'. I understand it's hard to adjust and he may be freaking out but I gave him an out so many times and so many opportunities to back out without any blame from me. Now he's left it so late when I've moved all my belongings/furniture/baby items to where he is and made up a nursery and completely redecorsted a flat for us. We have the perfect family set up and I am more than ready to start our life as a family together but now I know it's not what he wants I'm struggling to look foward to it. I've given him everything, every part of me and all my effort but whenever I suggest moving back with my family where I have the support and love he says I'm being selfish and all women want to do is take babies away from their dads. He doesn't love me and only stays because he wants to see the baby and is scared I'll take him away. I would never stop him seeing his son and would never try and turn him against his dad either.

Sorry I know this is long but I just needed somewhere to vent because I feel completely hopeless and whatever I do I will never be enough or be enough to make him happy. I've poured every part of my life and soul into making this work and I do love him but now I know he's miserable I can't feel satisfied or fulfilled. I just wish he'd have let me know this isn't what he wants when I had time to make other arrangements. I'm stuck in a loveless relationship and can't get out. I'll never be enough whatever I do and it hurts :( how do I fix this.

How old are you OP and how far away is your family?

Cut your losses now and Go home to your family. As posters have said above they can rent a van and take your stuff back. Once the baby arrives you will need support and your partner has made it clear he's not up to the job.

I think you need to go home to your family who love you and can give you the support you need.

Even if he does give up drinking and smoking weed after your baby arrives he will then be adjusting to that which will affect him both mentally and physically.

It doesn’t sound as though he can give you what you need right now so best to cut your losses and move now. Your mum can get you seen at her gp surgery and referred straight to maternity services so make sure you take your notes with you.

He may come round once your baby arrives and may even be the man of your dreams in the future but if that happens you can take it from there...

Go home. Don;t make a life with this man who cant support you or the baby, smokes weed and makes you feel miserable.

Call your parents and tell tyhem how you feel. Get them to help move all your stuff to where you are. If worried about the pregnancy speak to the consultant and say your relationship is breaking down and yuo need to be where you will be supported.

Once baby comes what will you live on, noodles? What if you can't get to the shops for food, will he have any time or money to buy food and look after you?

Your partner has shown you who he is, a selfish man who doesn't really care for you. Go somewhere and be cared for. If one day it is meant to be he will make a massive effort and win you back, but for now, you need someone not stoned and not living off pot noodles who can be in your corner, and that's not him.

If you were my daughter I would come and get in a New York minute. Talk to your parents and make your plans.

Call your parents,book a van and go home. Take your maternity notes to the local hospital and get yourself registered there.
Don’t tell him, just do it, this week, tomorrow. If he’s interested he’ll keep in touch, if not well, at least you know where you stand.
Move before the baby is born. If you leave it until the baby is born, it will be months before you’re in the right frame of mind, you’ll be too vulnerable.
You’re not the first Mum to find the Dad isn’t up to the mark and you won’t be the last. Nothing to be ashamed of.

I'd go home OP, ring your Mum and Dad and get them to come and get you tommorrow morning. They can ransfer your case across o.k.Dont worry.
Leave your partner to his mates and to smoking draw.

"He spent all his money on drinking and smoking weed "

You don't need this in your life. It will get worse once the baby arrives. Go home to your family.

Can you kick him out for a couple of months?

Have your own time with the baby. Get Family to come in intervals. Then move back if it’s still stressful.

He isn’t going to stop smoking weed when the baby comes
Trust me , a new born is like a hurricane hitting,, ,,,,,,amazing , beautiful but a hurricane .
You don’t get to smoke dope with a baby around . You cannot take care of a baby it if you are stoned . It isn’t safe .

He is meant to be spending his money on baby stuff etc — NOT GEAR

You need love , help and support
Go home . It’s a man with a van and that’s it , all baby stuff moved .
All medical stuff easily transferred .
He can pay maintenaince too , that will shock him

It may not be easy for a while but it will be a LOT easier than being with him . When you are ready you can start a new life , work and socialise and you will have support and reliable non stoned babysitters .

I know it’s scary but god I wish I had left my ex husband when he was a dick when I was pregnant. My family fell over themselves to help me but I stayed as I didn’t want to admit defeat .

If he decides to get his act together and stop being a man child later on you can rethink things .
Unless that happens You and your precious cargo come first .

Please will you let us know how you are getting on .

Go home my love.

From someone who has done it.

After 20yrs of marriage we reached a point where it went from good to pure poison.

I picked up three kids and I went home. My family organised a van, sold the house and I went home. And I had hell of a lot more time and money invested than where you are now. Put a lot of strain on the family I loved and they did not care as they loved me. It was the right decision though it felt enormous at the time. I cannot tell you how much better life is now. For him and me, and he still gets to be a loving happy father.

Go home
Go home
Go home.

He's only going to get worse. You'll feel do trapped with him when the baby arrives.

Please get family to help you move back home....and make sure the baby has your surname on the birth cert.

If you want toll the baby arrives it will be so much harder to leave.

Move home before your baby comes, this week if you can. Home with your family is where you really need to be, not with someone who resents you. Get your plans in place this week. You can take your notes with you and be secure and cared for with your child. Good luck

Go home to your family. It may be harder to leave afterwards, as you'll be dealing with all the newborn stuff (and I don't believe he'll step up, either).

Also, if he's desperate to be part of the baby's life, he may try and stop you moving. He can't do that before the baby is born.

Lovelystar, you need to make sure that baby is born where you want to live, not where your 'partner' wants you to live for his convenience.

Go home. Tell him to contact you with a reasonable contact schedule and no, he can't be at the birth, he has no right to look at your vagina and no right to over-ride your wishes.

The changes in medical care can be made over the phone in moments. Go home.

Just a thought here maybe he is scared of becoming a dad and by smoke do you mean weed if so that will not help his stress or mental health and will make him worse while he comes off it. Your hormones will be all over have you tried to have a heart to heart with him

Can I speak plainly to you?
I am reading that you have spent all your money on this flat. You also stated that if he had put money in your would have had some money to enjoy a few outings before the baby arrives. He is currently spending all his money on drink and weed. Have I got that correct?
Speaking now as the mother of a girl who is in the same position as your I would be delighted to send a van to collect all your things and bring them to mine and to either drive to pickyou up or pay someone to collect you. It is much harder to cope with such rubbish when you have a baby and no sleep. It also traps you in because you have to protect your baby.
Get out now Phone your family and I am sure they will be there just as fast as they can.
Unless your family live very rural I am sure there must be a hospital somewhere that can handle a high risk pregnancy ad birth.
You and the baby need to be safe and secure and I am sure you mum and other family will be able to give you that security.
It will also be easier for your mum and family if they know you are safe with them and they are helping with baby if you are not too well after the birth.
Think very carefully about you and your baby's safety and comfort

Oh sweetheart. Honestly, I wish I could give you a big hug. I can tell you're holding on to the hope that a switch will flick when the baby arrives and he'll stop blowing money on drugs and booze because the baby needs stuff. But the baby already needs stuff - you and your family have been paying for it. There is no reason to think that throwing a baby into this situation will improve his behaviour - quite the opposite in fact.

How dare he throw around comments about women just wanting to take babies away? He has caused this, not you. You've clearly put everything into making this work - physically, financially, emotionally and geographically. What's he sacrificed for you and your child?

Let me tell you, I have a very committed and supportive husband and 16 month old twins, and doing this with no family or really close friends nearby has been hellish, even with his constant help and support. We haven't had a break or a night off or a "date" since they came home from the nicu. We haven't had a mum around to lean on and get help from and generally support us, we've really struggled. If you don't even have the supportive partner it's going to be so, so hard.

Okay, so you've thrown your savings at this and wasted a couple of months. You don't want to be looking back in a couple of years and seeing all that time and money you've wasted while also being miles away from family and the support you need.

Can your family put you up for now? If you were my daughter, I'd be there with a van immediately.

I had to move house, admittedly not far, when 7 months pregnant and it meant changing GP, midwife and consultant. They sorted it all out easily and quickly. Don't let that be a factor.

Regardless of whether he is scared or not you need to put yourself and the baby first. Go home, as time goes on you will find more and more reasons why you can’t leave.

If you go home and he shows he can step up and be a good dad then maybe you can start considering a relationship but for now cut your losses while you have no debts or obligations.

All your baby will need for the first month or two of it's life is a Moses basket and possibly a bouncer. Having a supportive and helpful family will seriously outweigh a baby change unit and matching wardrobe or what ever furniture you have. Having a newborn is hard in ways you can't even imagine, it seems from the character you have described he will not be if very good emotional or practical support. You could end up having a c section or complications and in that case you will need support. Lots of luck you will be a fab mum you have your head screwed on but you don't need this man making your life harder. And being truthful it gets a lot harder once baby arrives.

Go home. Seriously.

He's referring to your baby as a "ticking time bomb". Your little baby. How dare he??!!

He contributes nothing financially.

He feels fully entitled to spend his time smoking weed and drinking and resents you for objecting. This WONT change. It will get worse, because he is unwilling to sacrifice his own needs & wants, but you will be sacrificing ALL of yours.

He makes you feel unhappy, unsupported and vulnerable.

What exactly does he do for you??

Your family love you and they love your baby. That's why they helped with the furniture - NOT because they were buying your independence from them! They will want to help you!

At the very least, call them and unload - be honest about your situation. Cry if you need to. Tell them about the money, the smoking, how he makes you feel, his change in attitude towards the pregnancy. I bet money they will suggest you go home to them, or at the very least offer advice and support. They need to know the truth.

You are about to become a tiny baby's Mother. You need to be around people who will support you and take care of you, to enable you to put all of your energy into taking care of your baby. He doesn't sound able, or even willing, to do that.

Go home.

Thank you all for your lovely responses, it's a bit hard to reply individually so I'll try answer all questions here.

I know if I called my mum right now she'd be here in a heartbeat to collect me, we've had alot of conversations about my situation during the pregnancy and I know she is concerned for me, but has tried her best to support my decision to stay with him and make my life as easy as possible for me. She knows I know she has concerns about him and his (past and present) behaviours. I guess part of it is admitting defeat, but to start with he wasn't like this at all but it's just gotten worse as time has gone on and I think it's irresponsible to wait and see if he improves when the baby is here.

It does upset me when he says things about me wanting to take the baby away from him and me being selfish when he has sacraficed nothing and not a great deal is really changing for him. I always thought I was quite a sensible person but I can see I have been incredibly naive throughout this whole thing and I am not paying the price.

I'm not that young, I'm 23 but have only just finished university so not really that settled into 'adult life' as such but I think I've managed quite well considering.

The only thing worrying me about transferring my care home is that I moved back for a brief period and registered with the doctors then had to un register to move away again and I'm worried they won't take me back a second time.

I live about a 3 hour car journey away, I think he's just annoyed that he woild have to actually make some kind of effort to see his son if I moved away. I've given so many chances for him to prove himself and he just let's me down each time. I just feel like I've been really stupid and naive

I went home just before 1st baby was born after he'd turned my decent flat into a rat infested drug den. I was working full time; he made a little money from dealing but spent it all in the pub.

My family and good friends found me a place to live. He followed. On the night our baby was born he disappeared for five days and then for all the weeks until our baby was two. He came back at the weekends to avail himself of the comfortable surroundings and being a dad.

He eventually moved in permanently when I lost it with him and gave him an ultimatum.

That was 30 years ago. He's never paid his own way - either dole or part time jobs. If he did earn he'd be down the pub without fail. Karaoke was one of his must go to nights, along with the lockins and giving young girls lifts home when drunk. Still I was left with the childcare.

Now I'm a decent earner; baby is grown up and doing fine. He's still here doing virtually nothing (household jobs are selective as he doesn't fancy cleaning the toilet for example) and living off me.

This does not cover the emotional, financial and physical abuse.

He took everything I had from the very beginning and made it all about himself. The most important lesson I've learnt is I don't care anymore. I am free.

Please let yourself not care about your idiot. It's too much trouble and a no win situation.

Most important thing now is the imminent arrival of the baby, you need to be around people you can trust and will take care of you.

Go home. Phone your previous doctors and explain your worries about reregistering tomorrow, I'm sure it won't be a problem.

tara are you still with him?

@tara thank you for sharing, I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, but I'm glad your child is doing well now! Some of that sounds familiar, he never has any money but somehow manages to come back drunk.

He knows what he is like and what he is doing is wrong but just can't admit to himself he won't change.