To feel like I'll never be enough?

[lovelystar]

We hadn't been together long when I fell pregnant but my boyfriend convinced me it was what he wanted and we could make it work together and we'd be a happy family. So I stayed with him, miles away from my family and spent alot of time and money making up a home for us and getting everything ready. Now 4 weeks away from our little boy arriving and all he does is get angry and depressed that he can never see his friends anymore or 'smoke' with them and is miserable everytime he is with me, even described it as a 'ticking time bomb'. I understand it's hard to adjust and he may be freaking out but I gave him an out so many times and so many opportunities to back out without any blame from me. Now he's left it so late when I've moved all my belongings/furniture/baby items to where he is and made up a nursery and completely redecorsted a flat for us. We have the perfect family set up and I am more than ready to start our life as a family together but now I know it's not what he wants I'm struggling to look foward to it. I've given him everything, every part of me and all my effort but whenever I suggest moving back with my family where I have the support and love he says I'm being selfish and all women want to do is take babies away from their dads. He doesn't love me and only stays because he wants to see the baby and is scared I'll take him away. I would never stop him seeing his son and would never try and turn him against his dad either.

Sorry I know this is long but I just needed somewhere to vent because I feel completely hopeless and whatever I do I will never be enough or be enough to make him happy. I've poured every part of my life and soul into making this work and I do love him but now I know he's miserable I can't feel satisfied or fulfilled. I just wish he'd have let me know this isn't what he wants when I had time to make other arrangements. I'm stuck in a loveless relationship and can't get out. I'll never be enough whatever I do and it hurts :( how do I fix this.

When is your due date? Please move home before the baby comes...it will be a million times harder after...and do you really really want him there as a birthing partner?? Your mum would be so much better support

When you leave (please make it when not if) get your mane taken off the tenancy immediately. He'll run up arrears and you'll be liable as the joint tenant.

That said money isn't as important as your happiness. Cut your losses, it'll actually save you money inn the long run!

It is simple. Ring your family and go home. You don’t get these precious weeks back don’t live it like this. If he wants to see his baby let him make the effort to come to you.

Everything is about what he wants, isnt it? How well do you think thats going to work when the baby is there? He says he doesnt want you to take his son away, notice how thats very different from being excited or prepared to be an actual dad in any way.
If you stay you'll be a single parent while he slumps on your sofa, eats your food, and ignores the baby in the next room.

I think everything that has happened last night/today has really put the nail in the coffin for me. I could easily have gone into hospital and had a baby and come home in the time he's been gone and still not possible to contact! I know he won't be back tonight. I'm trying to get hold of my mum now but she's in North Wales with no signal and I'd rather not call the hotel. I'm not that close to my dad, I talk to him and he shows interest but he's not in any position to pick me up or give me anywhere to stay with my things, he lives in a small 1 bed with my step mum so would be easier to stay here one more night. My older sister I'm very close to but she's in the middle of a placement for her uni course so can't really contact her. I'll just try and get through tonight and hopefully have more luck tomorrow. Thank you all again for your support. It's so hard

chugalug my due date is the 23rd February but I'm being induced on the 18th so have under 3 weeks

The minute you can get hold of your mum, ring her.

While you're waiting, ring your midwife and tell her you're moving back home and why and she can get your notes sorted and advise you.

Gather together what you need of your personal items so you're ready to go.

When the baby is here, register the birth on your own. He'll still be the father but don't give him any more than you have to.

If it requires effort to see his son, I highly doubt he'll bother (but as he's in a better job, make damn sure he pays)

Good luck and let your mum look after you.

You sound like me, 21 years ago. I moved back in with my parents, and I only had three weeks to go. Unconditional love is priceless, op

Nanny0gg im not sure how to contact my midwife as the one I had for mist of my pregnancy left the practice for personal reasons so have just had a few different midwives since then.

This is all so scary, luckily I have a job which is giving me maternity pay so I'll have regular money coming in, but I do feel guilty about the cost that will be incurred by my family helping me move back I feel like I've let everyone down.

I know OH will make my life as awkward as possible, he said he will take me to court over custody if I move because of my health condition he thinks I'll be unable to be left alone with the baby and not look after him. However despite my health condition I have managed to hold down the same fast paced job for the last 2 years while he jumped from job to job. All my healthcare professionals I've seen along the way have assured me there is no reason why I can't be a good parent if I take the right safety precautions. I'll have my mum to help me with the things I'm unable to do such as bathing the baby by myself etc.

You haven't let anyone down, you're doing the right thing. Your mum will tell you that when you speak to her.

That custody threat sounds ridiculous, he is trying to control you. Does he think that'll make you stay? Out of fear?

It is scary right now but you will walk out of this so much stronger.

There's actually nothing he can do but threaten and whine, Lovely, so don't worry about that. Even if he took this to court, no court in their right mind would take a baby from a loving capable mother to give to any kind of father, let alond the knobend he's turning into.

Furthermore, there's no way they will order overnight contact for at least 6 months if you're breastfeeding, so give that your best shot and he'll lose interest soon enough.

As soon as you're out, you don't have to speak to him any more. Let your mum field the calls.

I don’t have much to add but I just want to say how incredibly brave you are 💐 Your baby is very lucky to have such a strong Mumma! Don’t let him get in your head about not being capable, your a hell of a lot more capable than a stoner who carnt handle responsibility! Good luck with everything and enjoy motherhood x

I definitely think a part of him is trying to control me, I'm not scared of him or feel threatened just a bit emotionally manipulated because he knows how much I care.

I've spoken to my mum now anyway so there is no going back now she knows what is going on. I only spoke for about 30 mins as she had a meeting to go to, but she said she was very worried and it was hard for her to hear but she had seen patterns before that worried her. E.g. when she came down to visit and move stuff in with a van he didn't get out of bed and very reluctantly did after an hour, didn't come back the next night when she was staying and meant to be treating us.

I'm meeting her halfway on Thursday for an overnight stay somewhere and we are going to have a long chat about it all and she is more than happy to send (another) van down to collect my stuff. I will probably take as much of my things as I can and baby things like Moses basket all the clothes etc.

I will leave half of my share of rent/council tax/everything just so that's all done and nothing against me and then take my name of the tenancy.

I still feel a bit in shock that this is actually happened. I've tried to leave alot but always come back so to actually be doing it is terrifying.

I'm disappointed as there are parts of him that are lovely and he had a tough life but I can't let him use that as an excuse anymore. When you have a baby everything in your life has to be about loving them and giving every part of you to them. We could have been such a happy family but he ruined it and let himself down as well as me and his family and my family who have gone out of their way to help us.

Go back to your family. He’s not going to grow up he’s not going to stop being so selfish.

This has got nasty break up written all over it and it’s going to be far once the baby is born because even though we love our children and wouldn’t be without them once they are born they complicate things.

That's great that you're going home. Don't tell him though. Let him work it out for himself once you've gone. He might try to stop you or do something silly.

I met my ex and was pregnant 6 weeks later, he convinced me it was what he wanted and that he was serious about me. I had my doubts about him but he was very persuasive.

He left 2 weeks before my sons 2nd birthday and has been an utter arsehole since. I, thankfully, moved home when my son was 6 months old and so had the support there when he fucked off with someone else.
Move home. If you were my friend or family member I'd be hiring a van and bringing all that stuff home.

Well done!

@Nanny0gg excellent advice, so many good advisers on here.

Well done OP. You are a real star.

"I'm disappointed as there are parts of him that are lovely and he had a tough life but I can't let him use that as an excuse anymore." He has to face up to life, and the weed is not going to help him move on.

If he is serious about you and about his son he will make the effort and this may make enough of a dent to help him see he is now screwing things up.

"When you have a baby everything in your life has to be about loving them and giving every part of you to them." And that is pretty damn hard, but even harder when you have someone in your life who is not pulling in the same direction.

"We could have been such a happy family but he ruined it and let himself down as well as me and his family and my family who have gone out of their way to help us." Please do remember this, it is not you who is making this happen, it is him.

Please be careful that he does not get wind of this and make things very hard for you.

Make sure you take your legal paperwork, passport, special photos (e.g copy of your ultra sound etc) etc when you go.

@Hofty completely agree "Don't tell him though. Let him work it out for himself once you've gone. He might try to stop you or do something silly."

Go home. Before it's too late. A few days embarrassment is nothing compared to living life with someone like that. I promise.

It sounds as if you are making a good move, but take advice about leaving your share of the council tax and rent with him. If he drinks/smokes it away, whilst your name is on the tenancy then you will still be liable for the debt. If it's a joint tenancy but he fails to pay his half, then check whether you are liable for his half of the rent/council tax/utilities too.

Not saying that he will drop you in it, but it doesn't sound as if he is being very grown up.

When he shows up, you need to talk to him, remind him that the baby is the only priority here, and that living in "a ticking time bomb" is no way for the baby to start off life. Best of luck

I can't explain how much this has helped the last couple of days, j don't think I would of had the courage to do anything without the support here. I briefly spoke to a family member he is close to today, and she said she is surprised I came back to be with him and he didn't want to move with me because then he can't do what he wants. Even she agrees I should go back, so it's a little comfort knowing I have the backing of someone in his family, I don't want the baby cut of from his father's side at all.

I've just gotten back from my friends and he is here now, he is sat in the living room so will pretend i don't know he's here and get in the bath then go to bed. I can't deal with any theatrics right now, especially this full of chocolate!

Again thank you to everyone again!

Have a good sleep, you and baby stay well.

You'll soon be surviving on more than noodles!

Did you see your friend tonight as well?

Please do not tell him anything yet. Be careful in case things turn bad. I know you don't think they will but we never know.

Please make sure you pay the rent and council take for your bit direct to whomever you need to. Do not leave it with him to do. Take your name off the tenancy agreement or whatever and register your departure from the premises for council tax purposes. Get help to do this if you need it. But I would imagine it can all be done once you are out of the premises.

Please take care of yourself.

Remember, if he really cares for you and baby he will do all in his power to win you back and you will know for sure how he feels. But if you just stay and let him get on with being a shit partner and a shit dad you will not be sure how he feels. If he lets you go, and makes no effort to change, you've also got your answer.

I know you care about his family etc but just for now focus on yourself and baby. XX

Thank you bulletfox, I treated myself to a Tesco pizza

italian I haven't told him anything yet, he probably just sees it as an empty threat
Thank you for the advice about the money, that is a good idea as I was planning on just giving it to him! I'm going into the housing association office tomorrow to ask about how I go about taking my name of the tenancy etc. Im not going to get my hopes up about how he feels, he'll probably just be pissed of that I actually left instead of just pretending everything is ok and letting him get on. I hope he makes an effort with the baby for his sons sake, if he doesn't I won't be surprised but won't bad mouth him either.

Very wise. I think it's not just about not trusting him but also about wanting to know you have sorted things before baby came. My first baby came before a big event and I wanted it all sorted before she arrived. Just make sure you have things in order so you can relax.