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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I'll never be enough?

158 replies

lovelystar · 28/01/2018 18:03

We hadn't been together long when I fell pregnant but my boyfriend convinced me it was what he wanted and we could make it work together and we'd be a happy family. So I stayed with him, miles away from my family and spent alot of time and money making up a home for us and getting everything ready. Now 4 weeks away from our little boy arriving and all he does is get angry and depressed that he can never see his friends anymore or 'smoke' with them and is miserable everytime he is with me, even described it as a 'ticking time bomb'. I understand it's hard to adjust and he may be freaking out but I gave him an out so many times and so many opportunities to back out without any blame from me. Now he's left it so late when I've moved all my belongings/furniture/baby items to where he is and made up a nursery and completely redecorsted a flat for us. We have the perfect family set up and I am more than ready to start our life as a family together but now I know it's not what he wants I'm struggling to look foward to it. I've given him everything, every part of me and all my effort but whenever I suggest moving back with my family where I have the support and love he says I'm being selfish and all women want to do is take babies away from their dads. He doesn't love me and only stays because he wants to see the baby and is scared I'll take him away. I would never stop him seeing his son and would never try and turn him against his dad either.

Sorry I know this is long but I just needed somewhere to vent because I feel completely hopeless and whatever I do I will never be enough or be enough to make him happy. I've poured every part of my life and soul into making this work and I do love him but now I know he's miserable I can't feel satisfied or fulfilled. I just wish he'd have let me know this isn't what he wants when I had time to make other arrangements. I'm stuck in a loveless relationship and can't get out. I'll never be enough whatever I do and it hurts :( how do I fix this.

OP posts:
tomatosalt · 29/01/2018 09:14

Please, please, please follow the advice being posted here and go home to your family.
From what I have seen in real life, and echoed by becotide and many other posters on MN, things are not going to get better when the baby is born. The baby is already here, even if he is inside you. This man already has some of the responsibilities of fatherhood, e.g. setting up a suitable home for the baby. He has failed to meet these responsibilities.
Do not give the baby his last name, it is annoying and inconvenient not sharing a last name with your child. I would even go so far as to suggest you do not initially name him on the birth certificate.

fairgame84 · 29/01/2018 09:24

I was in a very similar situation when pregnant with DS. I stayed because I didn't want to swap hospitals for my high risk pregnancy. Things got much worse after DS was born and i should have gone before the birth. I ended up leaving when DS was 8 weeks old. Trust me it's easier to move without a newborn
Leave now. You don't need this ruining your time with your new baby. Get the support of your family because it's a lonely place being in a loveless, unsupportive and resentful relationship with a new baby.

Hofty · 29/01/2018 10:14

Do not give the baby his last name, it is annoying and inconvenient not sharing a last name with your child. I would even go so far as to suggest you do not initially name him on the birth certificate.

This is an excellent point. Do not give your child his last name. You will regret it. If you put his name on the birth cert he has parental responsibility and thus access rights. Not putting his name on the birth cert gives you greater power and protects your baby.

PansyGiraffe · 29/01/2018 10:24

As you are not married (and TFFT), you cannot put his name on the birth certificate without him being there so it is not a question of leaving him off or putting him on. It is easy enough for him to apply for parental responsibility afterwards but it depends if he can be bothered. If you are living three hours away it is an excellent reason why you weren't able to register baby with him.

Listen to the posters who have been there. Phone your mum, tell her the truth, and go home. You have done nothing wrong and nothing to be ashamed of. If he's capable of changing, it might be the kick he needs... but I highly doubt it.

Good luck and you can do this for you and for your child.

Original poster
lovelystar · 29/01/2018 14:04

Thank you everyone, especially @becotide. I'm going to call my mum later and explain. I feel a bit bad though as it's her birthday in the next couple days and don't want it to look like I'm asking for money or anything either. I've already got her a card and present though. Will let you all know how it goes :)

OP posts:
becotide · 29/01/2018 14:08

Do keep us updated, I would love to here about how it goes

Branleuse · 29/01/2018 14:21

go home to your family, and whatever you do PLEASE dont put him on the birth certificate, unless you want him to have complete control over where you go with your son and where you live.
Do it quickly before baby is born, as youll have less rights to move with the baby when hes here. You can get your stuff later.

Bin this loser off.

Italiangreyhound · 29/01/2018 16:14

I agree with @PansyGiraffe "You have done nothing wrong and nothing to be ashamed of. If he's capable of changing, it might be the kick he needs... but I highly doubt it."

If he wants to be part of his don's life he will make the effort. If he wants to be part of your life, he will make the effort. If, if of. But if you stay he will have zero incentive to up his game and do the decent and right thing!

If he really loves you he will do anything to win you back. If you make it easy for him, you may find you get the vatest minimum of love and care.

SchrodingersFrilledLizard · 29/01/2018 16:15

I'm sorry, op. Your situation sounds very difficult. I've been there but don't have any advice to offer other than keep on keeping on.

I wish you all the best.

Italiangreyhound · 29/01/2018 16:15

barest minimum.

MatildaTheCat · 29/01/2018 17:21

Your parents will feel nothing but relief to have you safely home. Let them support you through the birth and then when you are ready I’m sure they will support you back into independence with your baby.

Your partner is never going to change or support you. Please make that call.

altiara · 29/01/2018 17:32

Your parents are probably worried sick about you and the baby. I’d go home. I can’t see how he’s going to change and start paying rent etc.
Or at least give notice and move with all of your things and get some deposit back. At minimum I’d hire a van and driver and see if someone could move the baby’s furniture, you wouldn’t want him to ruin it.
Good luck Flowers

niccyb · 29/01/2018 18:01

You need to go home to your family. He won’t change unless he is forced to do so. You know what you need to do. Be brave, be strong. You will be ok. Lots of love to you xx

Original poster
lovelystar · 30/01/2018 14:41

Just to update people I won't get a chance to talk to my mum until tomorrow night as she is away with work. I told my OH again last night how I feeling and he stormed off in a huff at around 9pm and haven't heard from him since (despite me being heavily pregnant). I then got a message from one of his friends saying how I'm being unreasonable and need to give him a chance and how horrible I am blah blah. So I'm basically being ganged up on now whatever I do. I haven't involved anyone else in our relationship or got anyone else to fight my battles for me despite how he has treated me. Planning on spending tonight with an old uni friend

OP posts:
becotide · 30/01/2018 16:54

He's showing you how he reacts to stress. It's not good, is it?

GinnyBaker · 30/01/2018 17:02

Please go home. You are going to have your hands full looking after one baby, you don't need a man around who is also acting like one.

Your midwife can help you in transferring your notes to a nearer hospital, gp practice etc.

Italiangreyhound · 30/01/2018 17:08

@lovelystar what time are you going to call your mum?

BulletFox · 30/01/2018 17:09

Have a lovely time with your friend tonight

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/01/2018 17:16

Go home go home go home.

Your OH is a waster. He has paid any rent, just smoked and drunk it. He won't help you with the baby. He's already making you feel like shit and badmouthing you to his mates. He is not going to magically turn into a responsible father once baby arrives and cries all night.

Please go home.

Medical records can be accessed online. Furniture and everything else can be moved. Your family will welcome you back with open arms. I bet your Mum will think of it as an extra birthday present. Flowers

Have a lovely time with your friend tonight. Be nice to yourself too.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 30/01/2018 17:22

Please go home and go now. Your hospital care can be easily and quickly transferred; your furniture can follow you later. Your parents sound like they're deeply worried about you already and a weight would fall from them if you asked to come home.

Don't tell him you're going. Just go. Nothing but nothing but nothing is more important when you have a new baby than being where you feel safe and where you are loved and supported. That is with your mum for you, so go there.

Italiangreyhound · 30/01/2018 17:22

I agree with *Branleuse "...go home to your family, and whatever you do PLEASE dont put him on the birth certificate, unless you want him to have complete control over where you go with your son and where you live.
Do it quickly before baby is born, as youll have less rights to move with the baby when hes here. You can get your stuff later."

You are close to what will probably be the most magical, painful (sorry) exciting, scary, life-changing experience of your life (and his life) and he fucks off 9 pm to after 2 pm. (Over 17 hours) then gets his mate to speak to you.

Seriously, if he wants to be with you is he not willing to put in effort for you?

Make sure you take your medical notes and hospital bag with you tonight (assuming you are going by car, of course).

Good luck.

SingingSands · 30/01/2018 17:30

Please just pack a bag and go home. Phone your mum, even if she’s away with work. What about your dad? Siblings?

You have an incompetent man-child on your hands. He’s not capable of being an adult. He’s not contributing to rent or food or bills. He doesn’t deserve you.

Please go home before this situation turns dangerous. Flowers

Rudgie47 · 30/01/2018 17:36

I'd block the mate on my phone and dont reply. Dont be getting drawn in to arguing with his muppety mates.
Let us know how you get on OP.

Chugalug · 30/01/2018 17:37

Hire a van and a man and pack up and go...before baby comes..do it one day when he's at work....just take what you paid for.go home to your parents..that's the advice I would give my daughter in your situation..

Italiangreyhound · 30/01/2018 17:39

Very rare to see a thread pretty much so likeminded in this.