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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holidays; Telling 14 yr old has to go.

186 replies

ohh · 28/01/2018 14:23

AIBU telling our 14 year old daughter that she has to go on holiday with us.

Briefly we have been to same caravan park on and off for 6 years. All 3 children loved it, then went to France 2 years ago. 14 yr old style conscious has said not going there.Angry Already booked. 17 year old and 10 year old happy to they are both boys. Didn't go anywhere last year.

DH said to me shes being a spoiled bitch and has to go. DD has said will stay with friends. I said no way.

AIBU

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 28/01/2018 19:49

isabellaDMC a quick google because I don’t watch Corrie and there’s a clip of Tracy being called a bitch. I know they’ve said it in EE too.

Bluelady · 28/01/2018 19:53

Thank you, MCP, I can carry on using it with impunity then! Genuinely staggered that it's now considered swearing. How the world moves on when you're not watching!

Original poster
ohh · 28/01/2018 19:54

Grandparent is coming with us. Agree 14 is difficult but its not like she wont enjoy herself when there. Has free wifi and pools in door and out. Leisure arcade, tennis they are free to roam etc. Cafes. Nightclub. All on site.

OP posts:
stickytoffeevodka · 28/01/2018 20:16

Why does she have to go? You've still not answered that.

She's 14yo. Can't she stay with a friend with a friend or her dad if that can be arranged?

And as nice as this caravan park sounds, maybe she's bored of going to the same place every year? We always holidayed to the Lake District and while I love it, after the 4th or 5th year of going to the same cottage, the same cafes and doing the same walks it did get a bit boring!

Original poster
ohh · 28/01/2018 20:33

Technically she cannot stay with her other dad, coercive behaviour.
Friends not available.
Thank you

OP posts:
stickytoffeevodka · 28/01/2018 20:36

That's fair enough.

I think 14 is not the best age - she'll be wanting to see her friends and he idea of a family holiday to the same place you always go is probably not filling her with enthusiasm.

As it's booked, she'll need to suck it up this year but maybe consider trying a new place next year? It doesn't have to be abroad but just going somewhere new might be a bit more enticing for her.

alittlequinnie · 28/01/2018 20:58

My mum and dad referred to me as a bitch from aged about 10/11 onwards - probably started to one another at first but soon they were calling me it to my face.

My mum especially liked to refer to me as a little bitch quite a lot.

One of my worse memories is at aged 16 being forced to go to visit relatives abroad with them in a camper van - no toilet nothing - and going to a wedding.

From one side of Ireland to the other they shouted about how they were never going away with me again and my dad shouting - i don't ever want to go away with that fucking bitch again.

I never ever got over being called a bitch by my mum and dad - i wouldn't EVER call my own daughter anything except sweetheart or darling so everybody saying it's nothing are wrong - it still hurts to think about my mum and dad referring to me like this.

I think you should be careful about calling anyone you love names - i'm sure there was a thread on here recently about it re loved ones..

... as for the holiday - can you try and make some compromises/adjustments to make it more enjoyable for the 14 year old?

LagunaBubbles · 28/01/2018 21:04

Some attitudes to caravan holidays here are terrible, we all like - and can afford different things for holidays. I've toured California before. This year we've booked 2 caravan parks in France through the Sun offer for the grand total of £350. We can't wait, including my 15 year old DS. Any holiday is better than none as well as pools and sunshine it gives us time to spend as a family. Cant comment on OPs DD though as it looks as if there is a big backstory we know nothing about.

Idontdowindows · 28/01/2018 22:19

Friends not available.

Well, she has not choice then, does she. :) She'll have to just make do with what she has.

Shockers · 28/01/2018 22:28

I bloody love my caravan!

emzaroo · 28/01/2018 22:43

I am shocked that people are saying things like ... oh is this the only holiday you are having this year? Family discussions for destination!
She's 14, a minor,a child! Hormonal probably, coming across very spoilt and ultimately a bitch!
This family may well save and go without and this destination they have been too over may suit their budget and fit circumstances and they may actually (shock)like it.
I have described my dd as a bitch in private to my husband when she has been ridiculous! Her husband may well not be the monster people are making him out to be!
Bloody hells bells!

Voice0fReason · 28/01/2018 22:56

Talking about your child as a bitch says a lot about your attitude towards them, even if you don't call them it to their face.

My kids have always had a say in where we go on holiday, within the limits of what we are considering. I wouldn't subject them to a holiday that I knew they would hate as that would be horrible. We are a family, the aim is to enjoy a family holiday together.

I can fully understand not wanting to go to the same place year after year - that's not my idea of a holiday.

SingaSong12 · 28/01/2018 23:28

If there are future holidays it be possible to sit down as a family. Start of with the clear understanding that you will make the final decision. Then have the budget and discuss what is or isn't affordable. It might be a different campsite of type of facilities available. What would you think of a shorter holiday in a more expensive place?

speakout · 29/01/2018 02:32

Any holiday is better than none

I could not disagree more.
I used to live within walking distance of a Haven holiday park, near the beach.
It was one of the parks included in the Sun deals
It was beyond skanky. Piles of vomit, broken glass everywhere, police would regularly visit. Full of families shouting, drinking, chucking empty chip wrappers everywhere.
I would rather stay at home.

HuskyMcClusky · 29/01/2018 03:43

Jesus wept! On MN, children are children until they're 25+ when it comes to everything but what their own personal will. You're supposed to give them money left, right and centre, support, free place to live but negotiate holidays, take along a friend, let them run off with whomever they please etc etc.

That’s mumsnet for ya.

OP1: ‘My 22-year-old son does nothing but play computer games, refuses to work, makes the house a shit-tip and has got his gf pregnant. I despair, what shall I do??’

MN: ‘Well, boys don’t fully mature until they’re 25, just be there for him’.

—————————————————-

OP2: ‘My 14-year-old wants to go out drinking with her friends and sleep at her boyfriend’s house, isn’t she a bit young??’

MN: ‘You have to cut the apron strings and let her grow up some time, OP; kids mature earlier these days. Buy her some Bacardi Breezers and condoms’

ConfusedConfusedConfusedConfusedConfused

stickytoffeevodka · 29/01/2018 07:06

What is so wrong with asking a 14yo for their opinion?

Why not say "our budget is x, the choices are a, b or c - do you have a preference?

Or ask them what they want out of a holiday?

YellowMakesMeSmile · 29/01/2018 07:27

I disagree that any holiday is better than none from some of the places I've heard about. Plus the same place every year makes it the norm not a treat.

I don't see anything wrong with children being involved in holiday decisions, it's a chance for them to see their opinion is valid and to teach budgetting etc.

The step dad calling her a bitch and you not pulling up on it shows that this is obviously just the top of the iceberg.

Ragwort · 29/01/2018 07:31

I think holidays with teenagers are incredibly challenging, we have a teenager and trying to find a holiday that we will all enjoy, within our budget, is very difficult. Spending your hard earned cash and then having a moody teenager hanging around is not much fun for anyone.

I never went on 'family holidays' with my parents when I was a teenager, but I was lucky in that my grandparents were happy to come and stay with me (and spoil me rotten!).

I don't know what the answer is, but we are not planning a 'family holiday' this year.

k2p2k2tog · 29/01/2018 07:47

I don't get this.

Parents are the ones paying for the holidays. It's our job to find a holiday that first the family can afford, and secondly, which the parents think is appropriate for everyone. With more than one child that can be a very fine balancing act.

As parents our children are INVOLVED in the decision, but not MAKING the final decision. We're going to Cornwall at Easter - DH and I decided we were going, then we all looked at cottages together and the kids had input on what they wanted - and as per usual, they all wanted something different. So it's about compromise. It is impossible to allow any member to dictate 100% as you can never please all of the people all of the time.

OP is clearly not comfortable leaving her 14 year old with friends for a week. I have a child of the same age and wouldn't be happy either, it's a massive ask to expect someone else to have your kid for a week when they're not a close relative. So 14 year old goes on family holiday under threat of phone removal if she strops/sulks.

Wilburissomepig · 29/01/2018 08:10

So she has an abusive stepfather, a coercive father and, I'm sorry OP, a mother who doesn't seem to support her through this shit. Poor kid. I genuinely don't blame her for not wanting to go on holiday, it sounds like she already knows what it'll be like.

BerkInBag · 29/01/2018 08:24

I’d class bitch as swearing

Where I grew up in Dublin bitch is just punctuation.

Subtleconstraints · 29/01/2018 08:42

rcit hit the nail on the head. You need to discuss with her the reasons WHY she is objecting and maybe you can work around them (let her choose a couple of day trips or something) even if it's already booked for this year and you can't do much, at least she will feel she has been listened to.

And next year, discuss it with her. To all the people who say "our parental choice full stop" surely it's just pragmatic to include your teen in the discussion because if they are miserable on holiday, you will be too!

Fwiw, I detest the use of the word "bitch" (and I am part Irish)...it is so derogatory to women.

MadMags · 29/01/2018 09:34

Well I’m Irish and if a man I decided to shack up with called my daughter a bitch he’d be out on his arse.

Especially if he was an abusive alcoholic because let’s not forget that little tidbit that seems so unimportant to everyone...

BertrandRussell · 29/01/2018 09:37

I know a lot of Irish people. Don’t know one who would call their teenage dd a bitch.

Branleuse · 29/01/2018 09:55

i would try and win her round with an outing that she would love or something