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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holidays; Telling 14 yr old has to go.

186 replies

ohh · 28/01/2018 14:23

AIBU telling our 14 year old daughter that she has to go on holiday with us.

Briefly we have been to same caravan park on and off for 6 years. All 3 children loved it, then went to France 2 years ago. 14 yr old style conscious has said not going there.Angry Already booked. 17 year old and 10 year old happy to they are both boys. Didn't go anywhere last year.

DH said to me shes being a spoiled bitch and has to go. DD has said will stay with friends. I said no way.

AIBU

OP posts:
barefoofdoctor · 28/01/2018 15:46

Perhaps DD doesn't wish to holiday with the type of foulmouthed halfwit who would refer to his own DD4 as a bitch? Can't say I blame her.

SadabouttheNHS · 28/01/2018 15:47

"Don’t worry, OP. This is MN, where nobody has ever had a negative thought about their own children ever. What with them all well behaved Oxbridge candidates, who look like models. Unless he called her that to her face, which is a different thing entirely"

I think negatively about my child (especially at 4am this morning when she woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep). However, I would not call them names to their face or behind their back. It is possible be annoyed/ angry/ fed up/ irritated with someone but not call them names. I would have a problem with my husband calling anyone a bitch because it is disrespectful and kids tend to pick up on things.
If the OP's son's future wife posted on Mumsnet in a few years saying "my DH called me a bitch because we couldn't agree on a holiday destination", I doubt the majority of us would be very impressed with his behaviour!

BertrandRussell · 28/01/2018 15:47

“OP, your DD is too young to stay home.”

Even staying with friends or family?

Lovemusic33 · 28/01/2018 15:52

She’s 14, not old enough to be telling you she’s not going. My dd is the same age and I have had to compromise with her by booking 2 holidays (uk holidays) as she didn’t want to go to the place me and her sister wanted to go (as we go there a lot, we go because we like it). We usually have the problem of lack of WiFi, dd hates being without it and will moan non stop. I am looking forward to when I can leave her at home but it won’t be until she’s 16 unless she goes and stays with her dad.

MatildaTheCat · 28/01/2018 15:53

So it’s a place you’ve been to before and she enjoyed it then? Suggest some more grown up activities that she will now be old enough to enjoy. I would second taking a friend for at least some of the time if possible.

She does have to go but you will need to make an effort to make it fun for her. And bear in mind that some 14year olds are simply impossible to please whatever you do.

Can you do some family bonding between now and then if the relationship between your dh and she isn’t good?

GreyGardens88 · 28/01/2018 16:04

Is the Caravan park in the UK? Sounds more like a punishment than a holiday if you ask me, especially if you've been 6 times before. and it will be worse for a teenager. I think it's insensitive to drag her along I'd let her stay with friends tbh, why does she HAVE to go??

Shockers · 28/01/2018 16:05

I think I’d be a bit miffed at going to the same place year after year. That said, a holiday is supposed to be fun. Could you get her involved in researching things to do that you haven’t done before- something more grown up?

It’s difficult to please everyone. Our DS2 has booked Leeds festival the same (only) week DH has off over the summer holiday. I’ve compromised by booking him a flight out a day later than us, and am trusting him to get home from Leeds; get up and ready the following day and catch a train to the airport. Then all he has to do is get on the plane and we’ll meet him at the other end ... what could possibly go wrong? Grin

MirandaWest · 28/01/2018 16:11

I have a 14 year old and a 12 year old. I wouldn't book a holiday without talking to them and DH about what we were planning.

14 year old is happy to come on holiday with us (as is 12 year old). If they weren't then I'd see if their dad could have him/her/them but a family holiday without at least a quarter of the family there wouldn't really be the same. A holiday with grumpy teenagers also wouldn't be much fun.

The calling the DD a bitch isn't great but saying it about her rather than too her is better. Not sure what I'd do if DH said it to/about DD but would depend on exactly what had been going on.

LoniceraJaponica · 28/01/2018 16:15

In other words 'spoiled'. Since when do 14yo children get a say in where they're going on holiday Hmm
I'm laughing so hard at 14yo being included in discussion and only agreeing something she wants.
“No negotiation in this house. She’s 14, she does what she’s told. She goes! End of!“.

And when do you stop treating your teenagers like small children? Hmm. DD’s boyfriend’s family treat him like this. He is 18 and an adult. Everyone reckons that he will go off the rails when he goes to university.

Interestingly DD has never behaved like a spoiled brat as far as holidays are concerned, because we have always included her in our discussions from the age of about 14. It has been a case of “we are thinking of going to x for a holiday, what do you think?”. You know, selling the idea to her rather than telling her. Oh, and I have an excellent relationship with her.

MinnieMousse · 28/01/2018 16:16

Being a moody teen on holiday with your parents is a rite of passage. Make sure there's good WiFi.....

Bluelady · 28/01/2018 16:20

If you want a ruined holiday by all means make her go. My bet is she'll sulk, refuse to go on any outings and make herself unpleasant in a thousand inventive ways none of us can even imagine. Leave her at her friend's house and everyone will have a good time - win/win. I stopped going on family holidays at around that age and it was happy days all round.

LoniceraJaponica · 28/01/2018 16:22

One of my friends had to endure a holiday as you describe when her DD was 14 Bluelady.

Bluelady · 28/01/2018 16:24

Us too. My stepdaughter ruined a fortnight in Italy very effectively.

Crumbs1 · 28/01/2018 16:25

She should go and if she is rude their should be sanctions. Your husband has a point.

ColinsVeryJolly · 28/01/2018 16:30

GreyGardens88

Is the Caravan park in the UK? Sounds more like a punishment than a holiday if you ask me

Nice. So those of us who can only afford this type of holiday are subjecting our DC to awful holidays akin to 'punishment'?

Spoiled bitch indeed...

Hermonie2016 · 28/01/2018 16:46

Brat is ok but Bitch isn't?? Is Bastard ok? Everyone has different standards so dont think we can judge.

I think you need to explain her reasons for not wanting to go.They could be valid and a compromise achieved.Maybe she feels its limited space or dodgy wifi for 2 weeks??

I think listening to her is important and where possible validate her emotions if reasonable.

Idontdowindows · 28/01/2018 16:50

I didn't want to go on a holiday with my parents at that age. They arranged for me to spend the holiday with my best friend, and my best friend spent her parents' holiday with me.

We had a great summer. We didn't get to go anywhere, mind you, but it was great.

happypoobum · 28/01/2018 16:51

This is actually a very vulnerable 14 year old girl though isn't it?

ohh you have painted a very simplified and pared down version of a situation that is complex.

I would suggest you actually listen to your DD and prioritise her needs and wishes in this.

Lovemusic33 · 28/01/2018 16:51

We always holiday on caravan parks in the U.K., they are actually quite fun, most have activities for older children (climbing, surfing etc..) so not boring at all.

My dd often sucks when we are away, she doesn’t want to join in with anything and would happily sit on her iPad for a week rather than walk or take part in a activity. I have found letting her go and explore on her own or go and meet other kids in the park helps a lot. I can also now leave her in the caravan on her own for a bit. Some teens just like to moan and sulk, I just ignore it and try to enjoy the holiday.

BertrandRussell · 28/01/2018 16:57

“Brat is ok but Bitch isn't?? Is Bastard ok? Everyone has different standards so dont think we can judge.“

Yes we can.

Buglife · 28/01/2018 16:58

It’s a shame if all the family like going, but 14 is peak time for being conscious about what other people do and think of you, with so many things, clothes, music etc and certainly holidays. So I can quite see that a U.K. caravan holidays she’s been to 6 times would be something she will dislike and think is awful! The 17 year old is probablyfine because by then (college, 6thform) you start to think for yourself again! Also just wanting to be with friends not family... I remember that so well. It’s not great for you and she may well spoil it for people. I’d be inclined to leave her with someone and then she may well realise she wishes she was with the rest of you and miss you. It will be a phase, very common with teenagers. I think all this “make the brat go” stuff is harsh, can no one remember being 14-16?!

Parky04 · 28/01/2018 16:58

My DS was a nightmare for going on holiday when he hit teenage years. DW and I agreed family holidays were over when DS was 14. He went to stay with Grand parents and we went on our own. I must admit I do not miss family holidays!

Jenna43 · 28/01/2018 17:00

And when do you stop treating your teenagers like small children? hmm. DD’s boyfriend’s family treat him like this. He is 18 and an adult. Everyone reckons that he will go off the rails when he goes to university

There's a massive difference between an 18yo and a 14yo, that really shouldn't have to be pointed out. 18 is an adult and 14 is a child.

mrsBeverleyGoldberg · 28/01/2018 17:00

Parents spoil children, not the other way round.

I sometimes refer to my dcs as arseholes to dh, but never to them.

omnishambles · 28/01/2018 17:01

Nowadays I ask my teenager do you want to come camping/to this festival/on this particular holiday and if they don't then they go to relatives or friends. No way am I going to force a stroppy teen to come on holiday when all they want is to sit on the WiFi for a week.

It is absolute purgatory trying to enjoy a holiday with a teenager mooching around a cathedral/beach/pub garden with you.

I do make up the time though by doing a weekend of their choosing just with them and not their siblings or dh.