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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holidays; Telling 14 yr old has to go.

186 replies

ohh · 28/01/2018 14:23

AIBU telling our 14 year old daughter that she has to go on holiday with us.

Briefly we have been to same caravan park on and off for 6 years. All 3 children loved it, then went to France 2 years ago. 14 yr old style conscious has said not going there.Angry Already booked. 17 year old and 10 year old happy to they are both boys. Didn't go anywhere last year.

DH said to me shes being a spoiled bitch and has to go. DD has said will stay with friends. I said no way.

AIBU

OP posts:
IHaveBrilloHair · 28/01/2018 17:06

I was a horror on family holidays after the age of 10, I didn't particularly realise it at the time, or plan it, I was just a hormonal mess and didn't want to be there.
My parents booked me on PGL holidays every year from 12 onwards, I had a ball, they got their holiday.

museumum · 28/01/2018 17:07

I love mn “dd is ashamed to be going to a caravan park in th uk for holiday”
Other poster “oh have you not thought of going with this other company whose budget options have a girl sitting outside a Mongolian yurt on the front page” 😂😂😂

IHaveBrilloHair · 28/01/2018 17:09

Now I have weekends away, and am hoping to have a week in Greece, Dd is not invited.

Dazedandconfuzzled · 28/01/2018 17:11

Many kids don't get to go on holiday at all. When I was 14 I wasn't consulted I just had to go where my parents decided and if I moaned that it wasn't 'stylish' My mum would have told me to stop being ridiculous.
My parents own a caravan and we go every year because it's free and it means we can afford to take dd to other places. My dd is only small but my niece goes and takes a friend and they meet other teenagers and they seem to have fun so I don't think caravan holidays are punishment. And it's very snobby to view them as such when it's all many can afford.

brizzledrizzle · 28/01/2018 17:19

She's 14, social services would take a dim view of her being left alone at home while you are on holiday. I doubt they'd do anything given how over stretched they are but the 'Would social services object to this?' is a good way to decide.

My 14 year old has a say in where we go (but not the final say) and then they have to come with us. My 18 year old chooses depending on where we are going, we've been told that this is probably the last year she will be coming with us. That's fine as she's an adult.

SadabouttheNHS · 28/01/2018 17:20

" I don't think caravan holidays are punishment. And it's very snobby to view them as such when it's all many can afford".

Agree......and what's more they aren't only for people who are unable to afford anything else.

I'm in the fortunate position at the moment where we could afford to do something other than camping/ caravanning but we go camping every year because we love it!! The freedom, being outside, having a few glasses of wine while some fish roasts on the BBQ.....can't wait for the Summer!! Smile

Buglife · 28/01/2018 17:21

I don’t think a caravan/UK Holiday is a punishment, but I can see a 14 year old thinking it is. I thought all sorts of things were awful and embarrassing when I was 14 and I had all the classic “needing the right trainers” and refusing to wear anything my kind mother bought without consulting me. It didn’t last. I was mostly out of it at 16-17 when I was in 6th form with a smaller group of people and definitely out of it when I went to Uni and met people who didn’t all grow up in the same small working class town! Is a phase so many teens go through, massi e pain in the area for parents but it doesn’t mean she’ll be like that forever. Easier for all to leave her at home.

Bluelady · 28/01/2018 17:22

Read the thread. She wants to stay with a friend. I doubt SS would have an issue with that.

MotherofTerriers · 28/01/2018 17:24

Normally I'd be firmly of the opinion that at 14, she goes on holiday if she is told to. But - I have awful awful memories of camping holidays at that age, with my horrible little brother. 14 can be a sensitive age - coping with menstruation etc with little privacy in a caravan isn't fun.
And a teenager who doesn't want to be there can make it miserable for everyone else.
I do get that camping is affordable, is there any way it can be arranged to give her more privacy? If not, if a friend's parents are prepared to have her stay, I'd be inclined to not make her go. I haven't been camping (tent or caravan) since I was old enough (18) to say no. And I'd still rather have no holiday than a camping one.

RadioGaGoo · 28/01/2018 17:25

Maybe this is the end of the line for family holidays for her. Let her stay with her friends/other family and take the rest of your family away. She will probably miss you all anyway. Next year, do whatever you can afford and if she doesn't want to do that, she can stay with family and friends again.

Chewbecca · 28/01/2018 17:25

Maybe my 14 DS is spoilt but we do consult him and decide together where to go on holiday, we want all of us to look forward to it and enjoy it. Ensuring he wants to come is pretty high, probably top on my list of critical features.

slothface · 28/01/2018 17:28

Jesus some of the replies on here are sickeningly privileged. I was never taken on holiday anywhere as a kid because we didn't have any money. So if a caravan park had been booked, it would have been because that's what was doable on the budget available. If I'd have turned my nose up at it as a teenager I'd have (rightly imo) been called ungrateful by my parents. Perhaps the term spoiled bitch might even have been used when I was out of earshot, sounds like it was said in anger after her making demands.

However if she really doesn't want to go and has the realistic possibility of staying with a friend I don't see why she shouldn't be allowed to do that. The idea that young kids should be involved in holiday planning though is ludicrous

Brighteyes27 · 28/01/2018 17:28

I think 14 is too young for your DD to not go on holiday with her family.
I would be telling her she would be going with us regardless where we were going and that would be it.
I wouldn’t want to have a stroppy teenager with us but not would I feel confirtable inflicting her on another family. At 16 fair enough but at 14 she should go with the family end of.
We speak to our DC 13 and 14 about holidays and ask for thoughts if we are wondering between 2 or 3 different hotels or places but at the end of the day the adults get the casting votes and the kids come along.

OnionKnight · 28/01/2018 17:32

If when I was 14 I told my parents that I wasn't going on holiday with them because the destination didn't meet my standards they would have quite rightly laughed in my face.

She's 14, she doesn't get to choose whether she comes or not.

LoniceraJaponica · 28/01/2018 17:32

"Jesus some of the replies on here are sickeningly privileged. I was never taken on holiday anywhere as a kid because we didn't have any money."

Sour grapes?

LoniceraJaponica · 28/01/2018 17:33

"We speak to our DC 13 and 14 about holidays and ask for thoughts if we are wondering between 2 or 3 different hotels or places but at the end of the day the adults get the casting votes and the kids come along."

And this ^^ is how we do it as well.

UgandanKnuckles · 28/01/2018 17:35

I'm sure my parents have probably called me worse than a "bitch", and I probably deserved it, and I'm sure every parent on the planet has thought or said likewise about their children at some point.

slothface · 28/01/2018 17:42

@lonerica quite the opposite, having a simple childhood without big non-essential luxuries has made me into a grateful and non-materialistic adult (who now gets some lovely foreign trips for free through my job in case you were going to pull the "you wouldn't understand if you've never been on holiday" card). I find it really sad actually that some teens are being raised with the attitude that holidays are a necessity or expectation and start throwing tantrums when their standards aren't met. Gratitude and humility are far more important and attractive traits to instil in youngsters imo.

Wilburissomepig · 28/01/2018 17:43

"Jesus some of the replies on here are sickeningly privileged. I was never taken on holiday anywhere as a kid because we didn't have any money."

Sour grapes?

Seriously? You think that it's sour grapes?

lljkk · 28/01/2018 17:46

Sorry you're getting such a hard time here, OP.

I think I need a "come join us the real people who screw up in lots of ways" forum to post on, instead.

I'd be seriously researching any of her friends she could be left with!

Sirzy · 28/01/2018 17:47

She obviously doesn’t think it is a necessity as she is choosing not to go Hmm

Even if on a tight budget I don’t see why you wouldn’t include the children in the decision as to where to go within that budget. Actually on a tight budget it probably makes it even more important to find the right location because that budget will also cover the extras when away!

Chewbecca · 28/01/2018 17:49

I don't think anyone has said anything to suggest holidays are a necessity or expectation and start throwing tantrums when their standards aren't met, they have only said that they discuss and consult their children. That includes considering what we can and cannot afford.

RadioGaGoo · 28/01/2018 17:50

Sour grapes? How nasty are you?

Curtainshopping · 28/01/2018 17:52

I think I would make her come but offer her a sweetener (bring a friend, do something she wants to do when she’s there such as an activity or a shopping trip or something).

And then promise that you’ll go somewhere different next year. No one wants to go to the same caravan park six times.

OracleOfDelphinium · 28/01/2018 17:55

I'm struggling with the whole idea of your "D"H telling you that your DD is a "spoilt bitch". But anyway. I have teenage girls, and I know they can be as bitchy as anything. However, that still doesn't make it ok for your daughter to be referred to in that way. What a muddle.

To put it into some vague perspective, I have a 14 yo DD who would kill to go on holiday full stop. All my money goes on school fees, but all she sees is friends who go on holiday. We last went on fucking holiday in 2011 to a campsite in Filey. It pissed it down. I have not been away since then. But I choose to spend my money on school, in the hope that my DC will all get jobs which will enable them to go on holiday.

Rambling. On balance, I think your DD should go. You could tell her that next year will be negotiable. I suspect she'll be ok once you all get there, but it will make her think that she's being listened to (which matters at this age, obvs).