Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holidays; Telling 14 yr old has to go.

186 replies

ohh · 28/01/2018 14:23

AIBU telling our 14 year old daughter that she has to go on holiday with us.

Briefly we have been to same caravan park on and off for 6 years. All 3 children loved it, then went to France 2 years ago. 14 yr old style conscious has said not going there.Angry Already booked. 17 year old and 10 year old happy to they are both boys. Didn't go anywhere last year.

DH said to me shes being a spoiled bitch and has to go. DD has said will stay with friends. I said no way.

AIBU

OP posts:
specialsubject · 28/01/2018 14:47

if it is a matter of 'style' then she is indeed displaying a brattish sheep-like attitude and that wants sorting. Although your husband needs to be the adult, not the playground namecaller - irritating as she sounds, she's a child and they are sometimes irritating.

Offer an alternative that means she can't spoil the trip for the rest of you. Something muddy and sweaty that will ruin her 'style'?

NewYearNewMe18 · 28/01/2018 14:48

Surely there should be negotiation? Stay with friends? Stay with grandma? Take a friend with her?

Why should someone else be (financially) responsible for the moody piece?

She's a child. She does what she's damned well told.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 28/01/2018 14:50

I'd say holiday or Grandparents. But I've brought friends or cousins along several times.

MongerTruffle · 28/01/2018 14:50

DH said to me shes being a spoiled bitch
I'm not surprised she doesn't want to go on holiday with you.

tillytrotter1 · 28/01/2018 14:50

Those hair shirts must be really itchy! The husband sounds to have called it absolutely right, she is if she's allowed to get away with blackmailing the rest of the family. Anyone who says they have never used unpleasant language in referring to their child is either not a parent of a teenager or a liar.

WorldPeasAndSweetcorn · 28/01/2018 14:52

Being dragged on holidays is actually really unpleasant
As is being called a “bitch” by one’s father

Lizzie48 · 28/01/2018 14:54

Obviously she has to go with you if you say so, she's a child and you make the decisions about where you go on holiday.

Your DH's language wasn't nice, but I'm assuming he only said it to you, OP, and not to your DD? It's the kind of language that can spill out when you're at the end of your tether. Or does he talk to your DD like that?

LoniceraJaponica · 28/01/2018 14:56

"You have been going to the same place for 6 years.
I think that might be the problem"

This ^^

By the time DD was 14 or 15 we always used to have a family discussion about where we went on holiday. DD has friends who are older teenagers, and their dad just usually comes in and tells them where he has booked a holiday - no discussion. I prefer to treat DD (17) as a person with her own opinions rather than tell her what she has to do and where she is going.

Floralnomad · 28/01/2018 14:56

I think if you can agree where she can go and stay instead of coming then that would be the best solution . What was fun when you were 9/10/12 is not necessarily fun when you are 14 and I can see why a 14 yr old girl doesn’t want to spend a week in a caravan with her parents and brothers . No way would a 14 yo be staying at home for a week unaccompanied by a responsible adult .

PenguinsandPandas · 28/01/2018 14:56

If she's trustworthy (i.e. wouldn't be off sleeping with boys, drinking herself silly etc) then I would let her stay home if an arrangement could be made that was satisfactory.

I think your DH is being really horrible describing her in this way and I wouldn't let my DH speak about my kids like that.

SadabouttheNHS · 28/01/2018 14:57

Re:the holiday......
I would negotiate with her.

Tell her this time, she needs to go on holiday with you. However, give her the option of asking a friend along. Tell her that from now on, you will include her in decision making when it comes to holiday destinations (providing they are reasonable and affordable suggestions).

Re: your husband......
Sit down with him, once the tension has blown over, about the importance of using respectful language when talking about all women. OK, he didn't call her a bitch in front of her face but if he uses this language to refer to women/girls who have annoyed him, he is likely to call women bitches in the future e.in front of his kids or they might overhear him e.g. "My boss was a real bitch today" or "so and so is being a bitch". It's not great for your daughter to grow up thinking that it is acceptable for men to call women bitches and for your sons to grow up thinking that it's ok to call women bitches.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 28/01/2018 14:57

My DH would have been shown the door if he ever spoke about anyone in our family in that manner. How awful.

Holidays are supposed to be fun for all the family. There's nothing worse than being dragged along somewhere you don't enjoy. We choose together here so that everyone is happy. I don't get all this children are too young to have a say and should just shut up and put up.

MakeItStopNeville · 28/01/2018 14:57

Don’t worry, OP. This is MN, where nobody has ever had a negative thought about their own children ever. What with them all well behaved Oxbridge candidates, who look like models. Unless he called her that to her face, which is a different thing entirely.

Could you invite one of her friends? Although she’ll probably spend the whole trip complaining to her friend about where they’ve been dragged along to, she’ll at least be there. 14 can be a tough age!

Lizzie48 · 28/01/2018 15:00

I think inviting a friend would be a great idea. It could make the holiday much more fun for her (I can see why a caravan holiday isn't appealing to a 14 year old girl), and a lot less stressful for you.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 28/01/2018 15:01

OP is your DD like this over other things as well, wanting them her way or no way, or is this a one off? Fourteen is a difficult age and I'd be looking at the more general picture before I decided how to go forward.

Glittertwins · 28/01/2018 15:02

She's a child, you're the parents. She does as she is told. Why should you have to stump up more costs for her to bring a friend and presumably change accommodation and travel plans, not to mention she'll probably fall out with that friend before anyway.

AnnaMagnani · 28/01/2018 15:05

Yes she has to go.

But why on earth did you think go to to the same holiday park 6 times was a good idea? It has to be a holiday that works for all of the children.

speakout · 28/01/2018 15:05

Is this dickhead her father?

I would be beyond ballistic if anyone referred to my DD as a "spoilt bitch".

And it is totally relevant, I wouldn't want to go on holiday with this man either.

MrsHoneyMummy · 28/01/2018 15:07

I'm of the opinion that children should do as they are told and if you are going on a family holiday then she has to go. So on that front YANBU
However, YABVU to insist she goes with you to the same place you have already been six times. There are thousands of possible holiday destinations both in the UK and Europe and it would surely be more interesting for everybody to try somewhere different - your last holiday was in France, did you really not enjoy it?

k2p2k2tog · 28/01/2018 15:08

She is 14. She does as she is told.

Loyly · 28/01/2018 15:09

DH said to me shes being a spoiled bitch

Shock Angry

MiddleClassProblem · 28/01/2018 15:10

Is this the only holiday they have this year? I mean if they go somewhere else too then going to the same place for one holiday it’s a big deal

rcit · 28/01/2018 15:11

Think you (not your dh) calmly need to find out from your dd exactly what the problem is. Once you know what it is, you can then decide what to do about it.

Maybe she’s just a stroppy teen who’d prefer to go to Ibiza.

Maybe there is a creepy bloke working at the place who assaulted her on the last visit.

Or anything in between. You need to find out. How can you take a decision without the information Confused

Lizzie48 · 28/01/2018 15:12

The other problem with what your DH said is that it sounded like a criticism of your parenting. That's how I would interpret it. After all, who is doing the spoiling??

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 28/01/2018 15:14

That "DH" isn't her Father, OP has had other threads about her ex in relation to her DD

I think that is terrible Her Step Dad calling her that to you

Of course she doesn't want to go ...she's 14! Completely normal to not want to lose her privacy in a caravan with a step Dad and two brothers!