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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated that someone I only met tonight could be so mean and nasty to me or no reason

224 replies

Oldsu · 28/01/2018 00:13

I have been out tonight to celebrate a friends birthday, we used to work together but she now works for a different company so everyone else in the group were her new colleagues. I got on with them all except one who immediately seemed to take a dislike to me, it started in the pub we had a whip to buy the drinks and it was decided to get a couple of bottles of wine, I paid into the whip (£20) but I had to let them know that I have gastric reflux and cant drink alcohol so I wanted water instead as even lemonade and orange juice can affect me, she took umbrage at this for some reason basically saying she hated people like me who wanted something 'special' there was no reason for her to say that as I explained why and everyone else understood.

For most of the evening I stayed out of her way chatting happily to other members of the group but every time I looked her way she was glaring at me, my friend was getting upset and I offered to go home but she wanted me to stay and eat with them

It was suggested that we all went for a curry, now I cant eat curry but have eaten in Indian restaurants before and have had western meals or salads, I was discussing options with the waiter when this 'cow' realised what I was doing and laid into me, she basically accused me of being a racist she actually said ' I suppose you hate it when you are served by brown people and I bet you voted brexit and other really spiteful nasty things.

I didn't bother to reply to her I gave my friend a hug and said happy birthday and walked out. My friend rang me and asked me to come back I apologised for ruining her birthday but I couldn't go back I was too upset.

Got home 1/2 hour ago and cant stop crying, now I am scared that I have lost my friend over this but what was I supposed to do just sit there and take all the shit I was getting for no reason.

OP posts:
ApproachingATunnel · 30/01/2018 06:38

I was wondering why on earth nobody said anything to this unhinged person... ‘she’s the team leader’ explains it!
So she’s a bully and nobody from new work colleagues stands up to her? I expect your friend will need support when/if she falls out with this woman.
Be glad you won’t have to see her on daily basis, it’s your friend i feel sorry for.

Raindancer411 · 30/01/2018 07:10

It must have been upsetting for you but I think I would have stayed there and stared at her whilst I ate my omelette to spite her!!

I hope you hear from your friend soon

jocarter67 · 30/01/2018 09:13

Oldsu I bet you any money that when you get chance to speak to your friend, she will tell you that is how the woman is all the time. If it hadn’t been aimed at you I guarantee it would have been someone else.

impossible · 30/01/2018 10:45

Don't be devastated - this woman would clearly have behaved this way with whoever had turned up. It just happened to be you. You sound lovely and reasonable, which I'm sure is why you got on so well with everyone else.

Don't be too upset in front of your friend - I imagine she will be embarrassed and upset that her team leader could be so awful at her birthday celebration. If I were you I would arrange to meet your friend another time and try to move the conversation on so she doesnt have to worry about you. Your poor friend has to work with this awful woman!

HouseworkIsASin10 · 30/01/2018 11:03

OP you did nothing wrong, you did the right thing walking away.

Your friend should be mortified, that's probably why you haven't heard from her.

Rockingaround · 30/01/2018 15:04

OP you did absolutely nothing wrong. I’d put it out of your mind now. Your friend should get in touch, that’s the right and decent thing to do. I would be horrified if one of my long term friends was so humiliated and bullied by some knob I worked with, that they actually had to leave my birthday celebration. The ball’s in her court now, let her come to you. Personally I think your friend should’ve left with you, which makes me wonder is PP is right and she bad-mouths you at work. If so, she’s callous, she let you walk right into that appalling shit storm. Steer clear OP. Well done for retaining such dignity and grace.

TheMaddHugger · 30/01/2018 15:41

((((((((((Hugs)))))))) OP.

Just that ...((((Hugs))))

browneyes77 · 30/01/2018 18:36

Your friend should get in touch, that’s the right and decent thing to do. I would be horrified if one of my long term friends was so humiliated and bullied by some knob I worked with, that they actually had to leave my birthday celebration.

This ^^

If a work colleague behaved like that towards a friend of mine I’d be mortified. I’d be texting my friend ASAP to check she was ok. And I’d have said something to stand up for my friend - doesn’t have to be confrontational, but she could’ve piped up and said something in your defence.

But then if I knew I had a knob of a boss, I wouldn’t have invited friends. I’d have arranged a night out with my friends separately and just kept it work people that night (although can’t honestly say I’ve ever celebrated my birthday with work colleagues!).

And if your friend should choose to be funny with you about it, then she isn’t a very good friend. You went to enjoy an evening with your friend and you were verbally assaulted. You chose to be the bigger person and walk away and remove yourself from the situation, rather than stay and let it escalate. You’re not at fault in any way here.

It’s clear this scumbag had a bee in her bonnet about you being there and wanted to create an uncomfortable environment for you so you didn’t come out again with them in future. She’s only made herself look like a major immature twat by behaving that way. I bet outside of work she’s got fuck all friends and that’s why she hangs on to the work group.

helenoftroyville · 30/01/2018 19:36

I agree your friend should have been in touch, and her silence signifies that she is unhappy with the way you handled the evening.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 30/01/2018 23:18

I agree your friend should have been in touch, and her silence signifies that she is unhappy with the way you handled the evening

Or she's mortified and upset about the whole evening and how her horrible boss spoke to her friend, and she didn't have the confidence to stand up to her horrible boss, and worries that everyone at work has been gossiping about it? I can't see how the friend could be unhappy with OP, who was very dignified and didn't cause a scene

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 31/01/2018 06:15

No word yet from your friend? That is truly cowardly of her.

Original poster
Oldsu · 31/01/2018 22:51

Update, she finally rang me tonight to tell me about her birthday presents and her day out with her parents, she didn't mention our evening, so I asked her if the meal was nice and did they all go somewhere afterwards, she just mumbled 'we all went home after the meal' no apology and she didn't even seem embarrassed so I guess that's it for your friendship as I am certainly not going out of my way to contact her again.

Just feel a bit sad now

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldsu · 31/01/2018 22:52

sorry OUR friendship - note to MN please can we have an edit facility for us fat fingered typists

OP posts:
honeyroar · 31/01/2018 22:57

That is sad. She let you down as a friend, both on the night and afterwards. I'm sorry.

Italiangreyhound · 31/01/2018 22:59

Oldsu you poor thing. How horrible. Flowers

MiddleClassProblem · 31/01/2018 23:02

Oh dear, that’s such a shame. It sounds like she’s so awkward about it that she could face talking about it but still an apology or a “she’s such a twat” or something on a private phone call to you should have happened.

Hope you’re ok OP x

ProfessorSprout · 31/01/2018 23:05

Oldsu - Perhaps she didn’t see or hear the full discussions and snipes, and only had one side of the story from the TL? Which was then probably further fuelled with more negative opinions to sway you BF into thinking you were being mean /wrong.

I would leave it for a few days and speak to your friend about how this person made you feel and how you are the innocent party here.

It might not change things but you can at least draw a line under it and be clear to your friend that you will never socialise with her again.

My best friends other best friend is a horrible racist, negative, human being and I have no idea why she’s friends with her. I’ve told bf I am not keen on her understatement and that’s ok, we don’t mix our social events with each other, and bf is fine with that.

Weezol · 31/01/2018 23:06

Oh dear. Sounds like her boss kyboshed the night for everyone. You must be very disappointed with your 'friend'. I agree you should let her drift off.

It's quite sad when people are not who we thought. Be kind to yourself and know you have handled this situation with grace and dignity.

browneyes77 · 31/01/2018 23:23

It spoke volumes to me that she took this long to finally call you and then not even bring up the incident herself. You had to bring up the evening and when you did she tried to gloss over it.

She may not have felt comfortable standing up to her boss on the night, which is understandable when it’s your boss (nobody likes to make life difficult for themselves at work). But a decent friend would have contacted you the same night or the next day to see how you were and apologise for her bosses behaviour (and maybe even have a moan about what a knob their boss is in general).

I’d feel awful if a close friend of mine was put in thay position, where they were being attacked and felt they had to leave. Even if I didn’t feel comfortable confronting my boss, I’d have given my friend a hug before they left (shows subtle solidarity with your friend to the boss without saying a word and comforts your friend) and whispered “sorry about that knobhead” and then texted the same thing after she left and then called her the next day to see how she was and apologise again for the bosses behaviour. Even though the boss behaving that way isn’t your fault, you’d still feel bad that it happened and feel like you should apologise for any upset your friend felt. Well I would anyway!

Alwaysstressed999 · 01/02/2018 10:42

Sorry that you feel so sad OP! But......you sound like such a lovely person and you don't need the likes of her bringing you down! She shouldn't have allowed her colleague (boss or otherwise) to treat you like that! Put it down to experience and as you say, don't go out your way to contact her! She's shown her true colours 😾

MaureenNervosa · 01/02/2018 22:52

Oh, that's a shame, OP.

Even if your friend had only heard one side of the story, she could have at least asked you what had happened.

JingsMahBucket · 02/02/2018 06:57

OP, did you bring up the incident with her at all? I wouldn’t necessarily write off your friend immediately. Talk about the issue with her directly and give your side of the story. The team lead may be skewing things to your friend. Also, ask what happened the next day at work.

laura65988 · 08/02/2018 15:27

Omg some friend u have u are insulted for no reason twice and she didn't say anything to help u didn't come out and make sure you were ok yes she phoned but she should have asked that racist idiot that was picking on u to leave if that's who she wants to be friends with then she's welcome u never did anything wrong apart from put 20 in for water so u can't eat and drink does that mean u should be attacked for it no u were not complaining either u still went for food even though u were limited to what u could eat u bent over back wards tonight for a friend uve known lonfet than that scrubber she is clearly jelous of ure friendship or she don't like outsiders but she made a full of herself and these people didn't find her behaviour out of order very imature girl but u get phoned to come back and be bullied for no reason xx

laura65988 · 08/02/2018 15:45

Do not reach out to her she knows story as she would have asked u why u did what u did if she thought uwete in wrong but she chose to stay quiet so she obviously agree with last night as she never said I what a vow she was to u just nothing and this boss myt be boss in work but not out on a nyt out u would have stuck for ure friend over the rude person saying this to your friend u would have at the Very least said I think thats enough there is no need for that so what she the team leader what's worse she can do these people knew what this person was like and they invited her and sat and said nothing while some one is racist to u and saying other stuff before not one of them said anything and she may have thought people who don't drink always got a big story but to that poster she should have kept feelings to herself that's not an excuse xd

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