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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated that someone I only met tonight could be so mean and nasty to me or no reason

224 replies

Oldsu · 28/01/2018 00:13

I have been out tonight to celebrate a friends birthday, we used to work together but she now works for a different company so everyone else in the group were her new colleagues. I got on with them all except one who immediately seemed to take a dislike to me, it started in the pub we had a whip to buy the drinks and it was decided to get a couple of bottles of wine, I paid into the whip (£20) but I had to let them know that I have gastric reflux and cant drink alcohol so I wanted water instead as even lemonade and orange juice can affect me, she took umbrage at this for some reason basically saying she hated people like me who wanted something 'special' there was no reason for her to say that as I explained why and everyone else understood.

For most of the evening I stayed out of her way chatting happily to other members of the group but every time I looked her way she was glaring at me, my friend was getting upset and I offered to go home but she wanted me to stay and eat with them

It was suggested that we all went for a curry, now I cant eat curry but have eaten in Indian restaurants before and have had western meals or salads, I was discussing options with the waiter when this 'cow' realised what I was doing and laid into me, she basically accused me of being a racist she actually said ' I suppose you hate it when you are served by brown people and I bet you voted brexit and other really spiteful nasty things.

I didn't bother to reply to her I gave my friend a hug and said happy birthday and walked out. My friend rang me and asked me to come back I apologised for ruining her birthday but I couldn't go back I was too upset.

Got home 1/2 hour ago and cant stop crying, now I am scared that I have lost my friend over this but what was I supposed to do just sit there and take all the shit I was getting for no reason.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2018 05:56

Namechangetemp
I’m sorry you’ve also come across bigots. Who cares why you don’t drink. Some family members are like that about me drinking very little. They have alcohol issues. I’m boring apparently. I have ME, am unable to live a “normal” life and alcohol makes me even iller. I can get away with the odd glass sometimes if I’m feeling well. People can be really horrible even about my condition, which unless I get well, is a life limiting illnesses. I’m very poorly atm.

Oldsu
You didn’t make a scene, you are looking after your body. I really applaud you for that. Not everyone does. You handled yourself with dignity and respect. Well done for rising above her awfulness and for protecting yourself when it got too much. This woman cannot be happy. You may have medical issues but it would still be so much worse to be her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2018 05:57

And I forgot to say, I don’t think you should be subbing the alcohol either.

Do you drink tap or bottled water?

Bowerbird5 · 28/01/2018 06:01

I don't think you spoiled it at all. You avoided causing another scene by leaving. She was awful. I would consider her remark racist.

I would ring your pal and arrange a meal / coffee just the two of you.

LastOneDancing · 28/01/2018 06:24

I also immediately thought this woman has got a drink problem.

I knew someone who loathed anyone who didn't drink because she couldn't get through the day without it. When she was drunk she'd make vile goady comments and set me up to look like a right twat.

I really don't miss her...

You handled it well I think OP.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/01/2018 06:24

It was considerate of you to leave without causing a fuss rather than challenging the cow.

Yabu to get into a kitty as a non drinker (unless you were on some fancy mocktails). Next time opt out. Maybe thrown in a fiver or buy the birthday girl a drink directly.

bimbobaggins · 28/01/2018 06:36

Yabu to be devastated by this. Some people are complete arseholes and treat people shockingly. This is a reflection on her certainly not you. Be proud of the way you handled it.
And no, don’t get into a kitty when you are only drinks water. Absolutely no one would have expected this of you and you shouldn’t need to explain yourself to anyone why you don’t drink etc.

ThisIsTheVoice · 28/01/2018 06:38

It sounds like she is rather unhinged. Either that or she thought she had some insider knowledge about you. Is it possible your friend had fed her some untruths that this woman was holding against you?

Billben · 28/01/2018 06:42

I always do its not other peoples fault that I cant drink alcohol, I think its only fair that I contribute the same as everyone else

You need to change the way of your thinking. I can drink alcohol, but I just choose not to (never had a drink in my life) and no way in hell would I be contributing to other people’s whip around. That’s like somebody asking me to contribute to buying a packet of cigarettes when I don’t smoke.
Posts like these make me realise that there are some genuinely nice people (like you) out there who some bastards regularly walk over and treat like shit. Me on the other hand seem to be constantly getting myself worked up and fighting the CF’s. No way would I be crying over something like this. You must be so nice😘 I’m seething just sitting here because nobody has challenged the bitch.
Look forward to hearing your friend’s side of the story of what happened after you left.

billybagpuss · 28/01/2018 07:01

I’m sure your friend will be in touch today, let us know x

RadioGaGoo · 28/01/2018 07:10

You have not ruined your friendship at all OP. You behaved impeccably, considering it sounds like the woman wanted a reaction from you.

I've given money to a kitty when I couldn't drink because I was pregnant and when I couldn't go to a hen do. Nothing about being a doormat, it's a friendly gesture that I'm guessing can be afforded. I get that some people don't get that, but no harm to anyone.

ZoopDragon · 28/01/2018 07:13

Awful woman. You were very restrained and dignified in how you handled it. I wouldn't have managed to be so ladylike!

Try to forget about her, she's not worth wasting your energy on. Next time though, you could always just pretend you couldn't hear her and let the group deal with her. So in the restaurant, change the subject loudly. Keep talking over her. Pretend she isn't there. The group will take your lead and do the same, she will either shut up or leave.

NotReadyToMove · 28/01/2018 07:34

I have to say, if that woman is your friend team leader, I would be worried for your friend. Working for her must an awful experience if you are not her side or if she has taken umbrage for one reason or the other....

OrangeCarpet · 28/01/2018 07:35

The woman was emotionally abusive to you. By that I mean that she got a kick out of putting you down. She knew what she was saying wasn’t true and that it would hurt you. That was her aim. That is the abusive mindset. She enjoyed seeing that she had hurt you. To most people who do not have the abusive mindset this is almost incomprehensible because we go about trying to be nice to people and try to make people feel good about themselves. But some people are the opposite. They choose to be abusive. They choose to get a kick out of controlling and hurting others. It’s their problem.
You handled it very well. Be proud.

howrudeforme · 28/01/2018 07:38

Awful. What’s wrong with people. She’s way out of line to accuse you of racism, particularly in front of a member of staff - it’s infantalising him at best.

It is a shock, you go out to have a cheery time, not to have some bitch act and pick on you.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 28/01/2018 07:40

If she's the team leader it probably explains why no one else stuck up for you. Imagine what she's like to work for

Don't let her get to you. She's an arse. You sound lovely. I hope your friend gets in touch today and maybe you can have a little mini birthday celebration together Flowers

StealthPolarBear · 28/01/2018 07:48

Have you heard from your friend yet?

tempester28 · 28/01/2018 07:58

You can be sure the others already know she is a horrible person.

Don't waste another tear!

AJPTaylor · 28/01/2018 08:06

I would message friend and suggest a date when the 2 of you can go out for her birthday and have a good bitch about her team leader.

missymisdemeanor · 28/01/2018 08:10

I’ve been reading a book about alchololism and the woman describes behaving like this towards people who don’t drink and how ashamed she is now she is sober.

Shadow666 · 28/01/2018 08:27

Just be glad you don't have to work with her Shock

DerelictWreck · 28/01/2018 08:29

i'd make a written complaint to her superiors at work re her behaviour towards you.

lol this is right up there with 'report it to 101'.

What on earth has this got to do with her job or her boss?!

ShastaTrinity · 28/01/2018 08:31

OP you sound absolutely lovely, and a class act.
The behaviour of the stupid cow screams of jealousy and insecurity. It wont' help you, but think about it, happy people very very rarely bother to be unpleasant towards others. When you are happy and confident, you don't have so much negativity to try making other miserable.

No, you don't need to contribute to the drink funds when you don't drink, for any reason!(medical, designated driver). It was your friend's birthday, it was great of you to contribute to her drinks, its not outrageous either.

I do find it extremely offensive and racist to accuse someone of "racism" because they don't eat curry, how patronising!

You walked away, no drama for your friend to deal with, and hopefully you will never have to see the cow again.

Pleasebeafleabite · 28/01/2018 08:35

It’s not you OP some people are just arseholes

Well done on walking out when you did

DontbouncelikeIdid · 28/01/2018 08:39

I'd pity her. She clearly has some massive issues if she can muster that level of vitriol towards someone she doesn't even know. Don't waste your tears on her, you have done nothing wrong.

Tinkie25 · 28/01/2018 08:39

You handled it well. What a vile women.