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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be devastated that someone I only met tonight could be so mean and nasty to me or no reason

224 replies

Oldsu · 28/01/2018 00:13

I have been out tonight to celebrate a friends birthday, we used to work together but she now works for a different company so everyone else in the group were her new colleagues. I got on with them all except one who immediately seemed to take a dislike to me, it started in the pub we had a whip to buy the drinks and it was decided to get a couple of bottles of wine, I paid into the whip (£20) but I had to let them know that I have gastric reflux and cant drink alcohol so I wanted water instead as even lemonade and orange juice can affect me, she took umbrage at this for some reason basically saying she hated people like me who wanted something 'special' there was no reason for her to say that as I explained why and everyone else understood.

For most of the evening I stayed out of her way chatting happily to other members of the group but every time I looked her way she was glaring at me, my friend was getting upset and I offered to go home but she wanted me to stay and eat with them

It was suggested that we all went for a curry, now I cant eat curry but have eaten in Indian restaurants before and have had western meals or salads, I was discussing options with the waiter when this 'cow' realised what I was doing and laid into me, she basically accused me of being a racist she actually said ' I suppose you hate it when you are served by brown people and I bet you voted brexit and other really spiteful nasty things.

I didn't bother to reply to her I gave my friend a hug and said happy birthday and walked out. My friend rang me and asked me to come back I apologised for ruining her birthday but I couldn't go back I was too upset.

Got home 1/2 hour ago and cant stop crying, now I am scared that I have lost my friend over this but what was I supposed to do just sit there and take all the shit I was getting for no reason.

OP posts:

StrictlySnow · 29/01/2018 03:49

Agree with emmy about your ‘friend’ op if I were her I would have not only be very apologetic that evening but followed it up with another apology next day.
You didn’t need to apologise to her you did nothing wrong such a shame that no one pulled that nasty cow up at the time- fwiw she’s clearly embarrassed herself in front of her team I’m glad that other lady contacted you on fb.

Pengggwn · 29/01/2018 05:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shockers · 29/01/2018 06:23

In my experience, many people don’t understand the impact of gastric issues. Does your friend, or could you have been perceived as just being a bit controlling?

I have a friend who gets quite irritated (although she does try not to show it) by my careful perusal of menus, to find something that won’t cause me pain. She thinks it’s attention seeking if I question a member of restaurant staff about ingredients. I do it as quietly as possible, but she looks out for it!

I’m wondering whether your friend might think your ‘fussiness’ caused the issue.

WellThisIsShit · 29/01/2018 07:19

People who are very stupid confuse physical illnesses with personality characteristics.

Like, can’t eat many things = fussy awkwardness in their limited brain cells.

It’s annoying that people like that can’t see their ignorance is the problem, not anything about the other person.

As for the manager-bully, yes I’d say an alcohol problem too.

Poor you. Horrible evening with horrible people.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/01/2018 08:07

Very rude birthday girl. You did nothing wrong. She is a very bad friend, which I would just let go now.

MotherofaSurvivor · 29/01/2018 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AntArcticFox · 29/01/2018 08:15

I hope your friend gets a new job.

You were targeted so I understand why you were upset. You'd have to be a real professional tough nut to let it roll off you and make light of such an obvious attack. The waiter saw it that way too.

The only advice I can give is fill your head with something else, don't give this oddball any more headspace.

Isadora2007 · 29/01/2018 08:21

Op I hope all the support here has shown you this woman was in the wrong.
I also think your friend was kind of in the wrong too- really a group made up of her colleagues plus you was always going to be difficult. And it sounds like she isn’t really the more caring of friends so she just piggybacked you onto that celebration. She could easily have done a lunch with you at another time.
I wonder a little at your self esteem? To accept an invitation to a pub and Indian restaurant knowing you neither drink nor eat Indian food...with a bunch of people you don’t know? And then your level of upset over a stranger?
It sounds like you could do with learning how to say no. You can be nice and assertive as well... and it sounds like you get railroaded into situations that don’t do you any good.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 29/01/2018 08:21

motherofasurvivor, mummyoflittledragon made a totally appropriate comment empathising about the difficulties of not being able to drink.

You have no idea how her ME affects her, just because you suffer from it doesn't mean your experience is universal. Get off her back, that post was out of order.

AntArcticFox · 29/01/2018 08:22

Of course the friend is acting as if spineless, not a good look.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 29/01/2018 08:24

And mummyoflittledragons most recent post didn't even mention her ME!

StepAwayFromGoogle · 29/01/2018 09:22

OP, as PPs have said, it could be that your friend doesn't really understand your gastro issues. My lovely MIL is coeliac and has to be REALLY careful about what she eats but I know some of her friends just think she's being difficult. If your friend IS like that and had already moaned to her colleagues then she isn't a friend at all and you are well rid. I can't think of another reason why that woman would just lay into you from the off.

notapizzaeater · 29/01/2018 09:37

She sounds like an evil cow, a nasty bully. You did better than me, I'd have snarled ta her.

Hissy · 29/01/2018 09:48

I thnk your friend is embarrassed and doesn't know what to say. I sincerely hope she is not angry with you, she shouldn't be and by the looks of it the rest of the team have got this awful woman's number.

You did precisely the right thing, sitting there and taking it would have been wrong for everyone, and no-one should ever expect that of you.

this odd woman kicked off, you left. absolutely the right thing to do.

How kind of your friend's colleague to bother to contact you and offer support! that's really nice of her.

RadioGaGoo · 29/01/2018 09:55

EltonJohn. Are we only meant to respond to peoples most recent posts then?

I really hope your friend responds soon OP. You did nothing wrong.

ALLIS0N · 29/01/2018 09:57

I had this too. Except she made it very obvious that she thought I was BU. She’s now an ex friend and sadly I had to leave the whole friendship group because of he nastiness over my food choices (medical rather than lifestyle) .

Actually she’s a mumsnetter, I hope she reads this and recognises herself.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/01/2018 09:58

MotherofaSurvivor
Funny you should mention playing a character. I am actually professionally trained. I did it in Paris no less. That’ll rile you, I’m sure.

But no, I’m not playing any character these days unfortunately as I wouldn’t last 5 minutes on stage. Not even am dram at my local theatre group.

Perhaps you should educate yourself a little on the different severities of ME before you make yourself look even more foolish. Is it really too hard to understand that someone may be suffering more than you? Or have more symptoms? Food intolerances with ME are a reality. You do sound so much like my mother, it’s just tiresome.

Actually I find the ability to bring up my ME on mumsnet refreshing. I discuss it hardly ever irl unless very specifically asked. And even then, I skate over it. I hide my struggles from my friends because otherwise p I would become incredibly boring and I would become my illness.

Besides, who wants to hear about my weekend, which is the same as every weekend atm? In bed. Who wants to hear that dh took dd to an exhibition yesterday then out for a meal but I was too ill to do either? Who wants to hear about my intestinal issues or my chronic full body pain/fibromyalgia? (Adversely affected by alcohol btw.). I’d actually be a pretty shit friend if all I did was talk about my difficulties. No one else would feel they could speak because of my problems.

Here I can say how I feel and not expect anything back or to be asked how I am precisely because everyone on here is a stranger.

And just as importantly, I can empathise with those, who have it worse than me or even those, who have it better than me or different issues and congratulate those, who are overcoming their own personal struggles whatever they may be. I empathise as much for them as for me. To give love and care to the world in the only way I am able. And yes, at times I do feel sorry for myself. And I do get hurt. Being only human.

Just because you use mumsnet for one thing (which right now seems to be turning into a witch hunt), do not expect others to use it for the same purpose.

Thank you Eltonjohn. . Honestly. Why would I lie? I spend pretty much all my time on here. Because I’m too ill to be out in the real world.

isthismylifenow · 29/01/2018 09:59

Sorry OP, she sounds like a right piece of work.

I think you did exactly the right thing, and handled the situation perfectly. Not sure as to why your friend is not responding, I think she is probably embarrassed.

sinceyouask · 29/01/2018 10:02

I'd tell my team leader to stop it if they were being like to that my friend on a night out. Your friend should have acted like your friend and stuck up for you.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 29/01/2018 10:11

If everyone was getting along ok and the only one with a problem was that lady who kept making nasty comments, then why didn't your friend tell the troublemaking woman to leave?..why did she sit by and let her say that to you to the extent you ended up leaving?..if it was me and someone said those things to my friend I'd tell them it's my birthday, I came out to enjoy myself, I don't appreciate the nasty uncalled for comments to my friend now please leave..

I'm sorry this happened to you though, that woman sounds like a bully for targeting you for no reason

Scaredofthegym · 29/01/2018 10:20

Are u by any chance very attractive OP? It sounds like there was more reason to dislike you than asking for water at the bar. Maybe she felt threatened as you are not from their 'work' group.

Anyhoo you handled it perfectly, good on you.

therealposieparker · 29/01/2018 10:21

To be honest I would be very angry by now, not upset. You've done nothing wrong OP.

MsWanaBanana · 29/01/2018 10:53

LemonysSnicket - This woman is a mentalist ...
You know a mentalist is a psychic right?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/01/2018 11:02

You handled yourself very well, and did the right thing in leaving.
Don't you worry Sweet, one day the nasty woman will swallow her own tongue, and poison herself.🌸

SoupDragon · 29/01/2018 11:02

You know a mentalist is a psychic right?

You know that’s not the only meaning right?

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