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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd doesn't want to come to family wedding

268 replies

AlexanderHamilton · 27/01/2018 23:21

I guess this isn't so much of an AIBU as a Wwyd.

We've been invited to my cousin' wedding. It's the Saturday at the end of half term. It will involve 2 nights stay (travel up on Friday, wedding Saturday, travel home Sunday. He has lived quite a distance away since a child (making regular visits with his parents "home". His mother is my godmother. I've verbally said we will be able to go.

Told Dd about it today & she doesn't want to go. I understand why as it's in the middle of her GCSE's. I'd thought one weekend would be ok. I could go alone (with my parents) & dh stay home but then I know Ds will not want to go as he hates anything that will take him away from his Xbox & his theatre group & he's not good at formal occasions (asd).

If we don't go it would he seen as quite a big snub.

Is Dd being unreasonable or not?

OP posts:
Original poster
AlexanderHamilton · 28/01/2018 12:26

You assume wrong chicken although he teaches on a post 16 vocational course.

She will probably board during her exams to cut down the travelling/possibility of being late for a morning exam due to traffic.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlexanderHamilton · 28/01/2018 12:27

I don't drink.

OP posts:
EllenJanethickerknickers · 28/01/2018 12:52

My brother got married right in the middle of my O levels. We had extended family staying at our house for days. It was highly disruptive and no one seemed to think it was an issue except for me. I don't have ASD, but my DS2 does.

If you are absolutely sure she'll be happy home alone, can cope with cooking and eating and you have someone popping in, I think that might be the best solution. She'll have peace and quiet away from her DB.

If she's just saying she'll be fine because it's what she thinks you want to hear, then maybe not. You have a few months to make sure she knows what to do. Maybe a trial night alone or two before revision gets too busy?

TatianaLarina · 28/01/2018 13:31

You’re considering leaving her behind while you both go? Asking her who she wants to stay with? Wtaf?

No. One of you stays at home to support her, cook her meals, while she revises. Don’t ask her to pack up all her stuff and revise in someone else’s house - where it might be noisy, the bed might not be comfortable, she may not sleep so well.

What is wrong with you and your DH that you are both failing to provide adequate parenting at the point your DD needs it? Why the hell are you prioritising a family piss up over her?

She’ll be gone soon. Do your job now and stop being so weak and selfish.

TatianaLarina · 28/01/2018 13:32

Or alternatively she’s alone in the house, rather than staying with someone, has to cook her own meals and might get scared at night.

expatinscotland · 28/01/2018 13:43

Jesus wept! It's a fucking wedding not a hospital visit to a dying relative. Grow a spine and put your son and daughter first for once, both you and your 'd' h. Your interfering, guilt-tripping family need to learn to be less selfish. One of you stays home with the kids and the other goes. Sounds like your selfish DH wants to, so send him. Stop compromising your kids for your extended family. I have a son with ASD, something like this would totally screw him up and give him anxiety for days. Why would you subject your DD to that when it's so unnecessary.

Bogmoppit · 28/01/2018 13:45

Go on your own. DD has GCSEs. Your son has ASD and would not enjoy it. So why make him go fgs?
You'll have more fun on your own than having to placate sulky teens for the whole day

Bogmoppit · 28/01/2018 13:47

This seems to be about your parents expectations. It is time for you to stand up for your kids and stand up TO your family in a civil and reasonable way. Dragging kids with ASD to a wedding they don't want to go to is ludicrous and unkind.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2018 13:49

My father died a couple of days before I started sitting my O levels. I had no emotional parental support. I was still fed. The teachers were kinder to me. Don’t be that parent.

Bogmoppit · 28/01/2018 13:51

I second everything @expatinscotland said. She said it with more spirit than me.

I bet your cousin wouldn't actually give a shit if dd and ds are there. The issue is with you and your parents. Stop making it into your children problem.

expatinscotland · 28/01/2018 13:52

'Go on your own.'

She can't because the selfish husband wants to go, too, and insisting they drag the two kids with ASD along to indulge his own wants and the selfish extended family. So you stay at home, OP, and send the husband on his own, but one of you needs to put your kids first for once.

Bogmoppit · 28/01/2018 13:54

Oh and actually what she needs on that Sunday is a break that she would find relaxing. Whether that is going swimming, to a movie, horse riding or whatever floats her boat.

DH stays at home and provides this for ds and ds can play Xbox or whatever. Let him have a relaxed day with the kids whilst you act like a performing seal for your family.

HonkyWonkWoman · 28/01/2018 13:56

Leave the kids at home and you go to Wedding or Dh but sorry kids and Gcse's come first.

Bogmoppit · 28/01/2018 13:56

Didn't see that @expatinscotland

Fucks sake. What is wrong with you both. You are meant to be the strongest advocates for your children. Not behaving like this.
@AlexanderHamilton
You are letting your kids down. Send your selfish DH to the wedding. You stay home with the kids. Is it just that he doesn't want to look after the kids in his own?
Have you actually spoken to your cousin who's wedding it is? Why is your fathers opinion so important? It isn't his party or wedding.

Squeegle · 28/01/2018 14:00

I am with DD on this one. I would hate to be forced into doing this in the middle of my most important exams of my life so far. If DH can’t stay home alone then you will have to stay. The parents and relatives will all have to understand that your daughter needs to come first. That is it.

Bogmoppit · 28/01/2018 14:03

@Idontdowindows
Why are you making this into a gender issue?
Start your own thread to preach your views. Both kids have ASD. Neither should be made to go. The decisions are more based on the OPs inability to stand up to her family. This is not about the dd being blamed for the ds's struggle with social occasion.

And even if they did have to take that into account, it is because living in a family where one child has SN or more pronounced SN, compromises and negotiations have to be made carefully in the best interest of everyone. That is the reality of living with a child with SN. Or maybe we should go back to shutting them in institutions so they aren't so inconvenient.

LoniceraJaponica · 28/01/2018 14:14

I second everything expatinscotland said. She said it with more spirit than me.

I third it. I simply cannot understand why adults can’t stand up to their own parents. Do they have some kind of financial hold over them?

Idontdowindows · 28/01/2018 14:19

Why are you making this into a gender issue?

I'm not. I answered a question someone else was asking.

Bogmoppit · 28/01/2018 14:21

@Idontdowindows
Is this a gendered thing?

Looks like it to me. Daughter and son both have special needs, but his are catered to and she just needs to suck it up....

You ARE saying it is a gender issue.

BewareOfDragons · 28/01/2018 14:25

Your DD should stay home and study for her exams. Her future is at stake. Her future doesn't come second to a party, which is what a wedding reception is.

One of her parents should stay home with her. In this case, your DH should stay home. The wedding is for your side of the family, your godmother, not is, so if you feel you HAVE to go, then go with your DS.

Don't cater to your DS not 'wanting' to go because his sister has to study for an important, life changing exam. He will help you represent the family, if you truly feel it can't be missed by all of you.

Which is ridiculous by the way. It's an invitation, not a summons. Get a fucking backbone and support your daughter.

Idontdowindows · 28/01/2018 14:29

You ARE saying it is a gender issue.

I am SAYING it LOOKS like it is.

That is quite different from "making it one".

ForalltheSaints · 28/01/2018 14:40

Go by yourself. Let your cousin know in plenty of time. Explain that GCSEs are important.

FairyLights56 · 28/01/2018 15:14

@Bogmoppit

So you don't think it looks like a gender issue when the op is prioritising the feelings/reactions of her father, husband and son over her daughter's exams?

Original poster
AlexanderHamilton · 28/01/2018 15:40

We are a family. Everyone's feelings are equally important. No one gets priority over others needs & wishes but due to differing needs my children have to be treated differently.

Dd for example needs clear instructions & no ambiguity.

Ds needs for us not to make demands in the conventional way so questions have to be worded differently.

Dd needs a hands off approach, she hates fussing & all physical contact has to be on her terms (hugs etc). She values her independence highly. Ds is a very tactile child who needs to know someone is nearby all the time.

OP posts:
Dozer · 28/01/2018 15:44

The needs and wishes of a family member doing GCSEs with ASD are obviously much more important, that specific weekend, than your and DH’s wish to do what you and your extended family would like.

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