Dd doesn't want to come to family wedding

[AlexanderHamilton]

I guess this isn't so much of an AIBU as a Wwyd.

We've been invited to my cousin' wedding. It's the Saturday at the end of half term. It will involve 2 nights stay (travel up on Friday, wedding Saturday, travel home Sunday. He has lived quite a distance away since a child (making regular visits with his parents "home". His mother is my godmother. I've verbally said we will be able to go.

Told Dd about it today & she doesn't want to go. I understand why as it's in the middle of her GCSE's. I'd thought one weekend would be ok. I could go alone (with my parents) & dh stay home but then I know Ds will not want to go as he hates anything that will take him away from his Xbox & his theatre group & he's not good at formal occasions (asd).

If we don't go it would he seen as quite a big snub.

Is Dd being unreasonable or not?

I wouldn't have expected my children to take a whole weekend off to go to a wedding when they were so close to their GCSEs.

In fact, I don't think I would have allowed them to take that time away. Qualifications are really important.

I'd turn down the invitation, send a lovely present, and support my children.

Obviously everyone's family dynamics are different but I'm finding it hard to understand the need for big conversations and discussions.

If your son is going to struggle with your DD not going to the wedding surely you go by yourself and leave the rest of the family at home.

To be bowing to your parents weird views on family obligations as an adult yourself above the needs of your own DC is something I just don't get.

A friend's ASD son LOVES having the place to himself and has since he was about 14.

But the OP’s DD isn’t your friend’s son
My 17 year old daughter doesn’t have ASD, but suffers from anxiety. She would hate to be left on her own for 3 days. She is perfectly capable of looking after herself BTW, but being on her own for 3 days would send her anxiety through the roof.

Your DD will be in the middle of her GCSEs. You, as her mother should be falling over yourself to be present and support her. That is NOT a time for social stuff, travelling, etc for either you or her (or her DF). That is a time for routine, structure, focus on your DD.

Absolutely agree with this^^
Why are you even considering taking your DD to the wedding when it will clearly disrupt her?

I'm finding it hard to understand the need for big conversations and discussions.

So am I. You don’t “discuss” this with the rest of the family. You put your big girl pants on and tell them that your DD isn’t going. End of. Don’t be guilt tripped into potentially ruining your DD’s chances of doing well in her GCSEs.

I'm agog (honestly, agog!!!) that you're putting extended family social functions above your DDs GCSEs!!!!!! She would be right slap in the middle of them AND YOU DON'T see why a weekend off would hurt??? Seriously? You don't? (I'm saying this as both parent AND teacher). You need to re-think your priorities! My mind boggles sometimes, it really does!

OP do you and your OH have GCSESs yourself?

In a very non goady way I'm wondering if your family doesn't place too much importance on academic achievements?

Formal exams are a lot more important than they used to be

A friend's ASD son LOVES having the place to himself and has since he was about 14.

As the saying goes, when you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism...

I've a 14 year old with autism, he wouldn't cope. I have an 11 year old with autism who still wakes up with night terrors needing reassurance.

Formal exams are a lot more important than they used to be

This ^^
I had trouble trying to convince older members of OH's family how important GCSEs were when DD took hers 2 years ago. They just didn't get it. You could get a job with no qualifications or just resit O levels back in the day. Things have changed so much now.

We are currently asking Dd what she wants to do & who she wants to stay with.

Really? You aren't saying "so sorry dd thst we considered going away when you're stressed about your exams, we'll of course be staying here to support you."?

DH Fathers 85th birthday lunch was the Sunday before DS GCSE exams week. DH and him fell out about this as he wanted him to go. He didn't go and neither did I and I backed my DS to the hilt on this.

A snub you say? Let me ask you do you actually want to go? I feel there is some underlying family dynamic that you haven't fully explained. Judgement I guess from maybe a parent or a sibling?

I have just written how I only accept invites If I want to go to on another thread. If people get their knickers in any twist about non attendance then that's up to them, it's my time not theirs and I am dammed if anyone is going to dictate by attempted manipulation what I do with it.

Tell your DD she doesn't have to go, stop trying to guilt trip the poor girl to attend by dressing it up as a choice, that will stress her further.

She's quite happy to stay home alone. We would like a back up for her.

I guess that after all if she gets her 2nd choice college not her 1st she will be living independently in student accommodation next year.

To be bowing to your parents weird views on family obligations as an adult yourself above the needs of your own DC is something I just don't get.

I agree.

In three years' time the wedding, and any perceived slights, will be mostly forgotten about. But your DD might be about to start university IF her GCSE and A level grades are good enough. If they're not, then she might be full of regrets.

A wedding for some distant relative is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Support your daughter.

She will will graduate with a Level 6 diploma aged 19 which can then be topped up to a full BA jobs by 1 year distance learning by the age of 20.

As someone with asd who had uni exams last year I say you'd be downright cruel to make her use 1/3 of half term, getting home 36 hours before an exam, to go to her mother's cousin's wedding. When I was revising I found it incredibly difficult to move from revising to doing other things that also needed doing. No way on earth would I have taken precious time in the few days leading up to an exam to go to a wedding of a distant relative.

I was already a ball of stress and anxiety and finding it bloody hard to revise and look after my dcs and do household things, having to take the weekend before the exam to go to a wedding would have tipped me over the edge. You can't study while travelling, there are far too many distractions, plus travelling is tiring and being up late at a party. Plus it would take time to get back into the routine of revising while being tired, stressed that I'd got nothing done the last few days, while knowing the exam was less then two days away.

If it were me in your place I'd most likely say "sorry, it's in the middle of dad's gcses so we won't be able to make it". Sod family guilt trips my first responsibility is to my dcs and helping them achieve what their dreams in life. Frankly I wouldn't care that my dad thinks family occasions come above all else. Family should understand that gcses are important and should be understanding.

You could either call and say, look it’s in the middle of dds GCSEs, we cannot come.

Or you can go with your parents and leave your dh at home with both kids.

Seems your problem is your dh.

This sort of occasion is stressful and not enjoyable for someone with asd, particularly with added exam stress. Does your dh not understand?

You should not be putting the responsibility for decision making on your DD. She is not an adult, you are.

She's probably worried about upsetting you.

You would leave her with a "back-up" - oh well done you. Sure, she can just make toast if she gets hungry. What should she do if she starts feeling nervous and would like a chat with her mum?

Agree with pp who kindly asked what weight if any your family puts on education? I do hope the teachers at the school find out about this.

Bet you're the sort of parent who makes them pay rent as soon as they reach 18.

I'm going to phone my own parents now (who I'm seeing this afternoon anyway) to thank them for everything they did for me. Do you know what, OP, they will probably just say "what are you thanking us for, that's what any decent parent does, puts their child before themselves".

Dh works at dd's school chicken.

2nd sopranos. - I mentioned her 2nd choice college as if she goes there she will be living in student digs there. If she gets to stay at her current school (she has funding auditions in March & April to determine this) she will commute.

I'm confused. 1st vs 2nd choice college?

It's elite performing arts - the courses and qualifications are structured somewhat differently to the usual Alevel/college/uni routes. Entry is by audition, provisional acceptance, final/recall, funding offers. Nothing is settled until the offer of a place is on the table.

Does he now. Not as a teacher, I assume.

The more I think about this, the sadder it becomes. I just couldn't imagine going to a wedding for 3 days (getting pissed?!) whilst my 16yr daughter was at home studying alone.

You should WANT To be with her.

Maybe this linkswill help, OP:

www.bbc.co.uk/schools/parents/helping_with_exams/
Includes the line " try to be at home as much as possible"

Leaving her by herself shows her you don't really care, despite what you might say. My mother's mother was like. Made my own mother stronger. Hope it does same for your DD.

Hang on, your worried about leaving her alone for two nights, but if she doesn’t get into 1st choice college she’ll be living independently? Erm, seems like a no brainer to me. Leave her at home to revise. Take ds. Job done.