Dd doesn't want to come to family wedding

[AlexanderHamilton]

I guess this isn't so much of an AIBU as a Wwyd.

We've been invited to my cousin' wedding. It's the Saturday at the end of half term. It will involve 2 nights stay (travel up on Friday, wedding Saturday, travel home Sunday. He has lived quite a distance away since a child (making regular visits with his parents "home". His mother is my godmother. I've verbally said we will be able to go.

Told Dd about it today & she doesn't want to go. I understand why as it's in the middle of her GCSE's. I'd thought one weekend would be ok. I could go alone (with my parents) & dh stay home but then I know Ds will not want to go as he hates anything that will take him away from his Xbox & his theatre group & he's not good at formal occasions (asd).

If we don't go it would he seen as quite a big snub.

Is Dd being unreasonable or not?

Surely the solution for your son is simple:-

Option 1: he comes to the wedding
Option 2: he stays at home with his dad and sister and spends 8 hours a day doing homework (as she is).

I’m taking it yo7 mean May half term and it’s a real GCSE not a mock. There is no way on God’s earth I’d make her go. And tough on your ds, he has no reason to stay at home. One parent needs to stay home and try to keep the usual weekend routine for your dd. I can’t believe you were even debating making her go. Ffs, no wonder teachers have such a tough time!

"Why are you so scared about your younger DS ‘kicking off’ because he doesn’t want to be away from his xbox?"

He has autism. He presents very differently to Dd & has very different reactions, probably because we strongly suspect he also has PDA.

Is this a gendered thing? Grandad and son cannot be slightly put out but dd as the girl can be massively put out, even though objectively she is the one that needs to be prioritised

All these folk saying she can take revision with her? When is she going to do it? In the car? At the table at the wedding? There's not going to be any chance of that so that is just a non starter to me. OP, her exams are important. I wouldn't force her to go. If I were you, I would either go myself and leave her with DH and DS or take DS with you. Your family need to understand. Chances are everyone with be so drunk and caught up with the bride and groom that your kids will barely be acknowledged.

He has autism. He presents very differently to Dd & has very different reactions, probably because we strongly suspect he also has PDA.

That's fine, but your daughter should not be punished for the fact that your son has issues.

Your daughter is taking EXAMS. That is her FUTURE.

He has autism. He presents very differently to Dd & has very different reactions, probably because we strongly suspect he also has PDA.

Regardless, your dd shouldn't be forced to jeopardise her GCSEs because your worried about his reaction.

Do you never prioritise what is best for her?

You need to make the firm decision to leave her at home, and then work out what you're doing with everyone else.

It makes no difference whether there is actually an exam on the Monday. Once GCSEs start they are thick and fast: there could be multiple exams in the subsequent days. The revision has to be done in advance, not on the day before.

My Dc sat 27 individual exams.

Is this a gendered thing?

Looks like it to me. Daughter and son both have special needs, but his are catered to and she just needs to suck it up....

As Kerala said, you're putting the petty, unjustifiable reactions of your male relatives above the genuine reasons of your dd (and her education, and the rest of her life).

DH - likes weddings
DS - likes x boxes
DF - likes family occasions

DD - wants to do well in her GCSEs to give herself the best chances in life

How is this not a straightforward decision for you?

Ds would never go anywhere or do anything by choice due to his nature. He's also younger. If he found out she wasn't going to go he would kick off too.

This really shouldn't be influencing what happens with your DD though, it's your problem to manage. Either you insist that he goes because unlike your DD he doesn't have exams (it seems a bit pointless to me to force a teenaged/pre-teen child to go to a wedding they have no interest in but if you must) or you explain to your family that he won't be there.

Notasunnybunny you don’t get it do you? How old are your children? Retakes have no value on a UCAS application form. Universities do take GCSEs into account these days

“GCSEs aren't a big deal once you reach a certain point in your life but they really are at the age of 16.”

This ^^. If you trip over the first step it can hold you back and utterly destroy your confidence when you really need it.

“Leave DD on her own but with a friend's parents 'on call' so if she doesn't like being in the house at night alone, or doesn't know how long to put a pizza in the oven, change a light bulb etc etc.”

She has ASD. Leaving her on her own is not an option.

Your DD should stay at home with your DH, you and DS go to the wedding.

Why is that so difficult?

I think it's fair enough if your DD doesn't want to go. It will be a snub if you go on your own. The best solution is the three of you to go and your DD to stay at home with a couple of nearby people to contact if there is a problem.

Viviennemary

Please read the OP's posts. The daughter has ASD and can't be left on her own.

I think it's fair enough if your DD doesn't want to go. It will be a snub if you go on your own. The best solution is the three of you to go and your DD to stay at home with a couple of nearby people to contact if there is a problem.

The OP's DD has ASD and therefore cannot stay at home by herself.

He has autism. He presents very differently to Dd & has very different reactions, probably because we strongly suspect he also has PDA.

But they probably both FEEL the same, your ds's reaction should not impact on how you treat your dd.

She has ASD. Leaving her on her own is not an option.

I know she has ASD, I don't know anything else about her. A friend's ASD son LOVES having the place to himself and has since he was about 14.

It is absolutely not a gender thing. In fact most of ds's life has been spent accommodating Dd & her performing. Holidays built around summer school venues, Christmas built around panto commitments, keeping him entertained in dance school waiting rooms.

We have always done our utmost to accommodate the needs (complicated though they may be) of both our children.

So, what are you going to do? Lots of posts but still no decision?

Whilst snap decisions may be interesting for fast moving threads real life is slower. I only woke up at 9am & we areabout to leave the house to go to my parents house (Dd asked to go there today so she can go swimming) so proper conversations & discussions in real life need to happen.

Is Katy helping? Totally read into that lol

You can still make the decision now OP. And tell your husband later.

Sorry I thought it was the DS who couldn't be left. If there is nobody available to stay overnight then it's complete stalemate because OP isn't going to please everyone.

OMG! Do I live on another planet to the rest of you?!

Your DD will be in the middle of her GCSEs. You, as her mother should be falling over yourself to be present and support her. That is NOT a time for social stuff, travelling, etc for either you or her (or her DF). That is a time for routine, structure, focus on your DD.

Fuck the wedding. That's one day. This is about your relationship with your DD and her future.

My wonderful, amazing parents! This would never have been a discussion in our house. It would have been "that date is in the middle of Chicken's GCSEs, count us out". And, more to the point, my dear, dear grandparents would backed them up 100%. And, now I think about it, my uncles and aunts would have known to avoid GCSE time if they wanted us at their wedding, especially if it wasn't just a 1 day undertaking.