Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD has a friend staying. And she's using us like a hotel!

311 replies

Singingtherapy · 27/01/2018 21:11

A close friend of my 15 year old daughter moved around 80 miles away in August. She and my daughter remained close and talk most days. This weekend she's come to stay with us for the first time, Friday to Sunday. We all prepared to welcome her, DD planned their itinerary, I filled the fridge with food and looked forward to hosting her for a weekend. Turns out her agenda was a little different. She arrived with plenty of money for taxis and has been out to see three different groups of friends, never inviting dd. DD is coping fine, just shrugging it off. It's not on though is it?

OP posts:
Winteriscoming18 · 28/01/2018 21:19

It’s not normal at the age of 15, it just isn’t. My friend once met some lads we knew on work experience we had met them previously during the week. The one day I was at my uncles funeral she ended up meeting up with them was drinking port, she was found later on the side of the road,someone rung the police. She had her stomach pumped. The point of my story how poor judgement teenagers have. She could have easily been raped or come to some real harm. If you were hosting someone else’s child you have a duty of care for her. The fact she had money on here doesn’t make her parents neglectful she had cash on her if she needed it doesn’t mean it was necessarily for taxis.

LoverOfCake · 28/01/2018 21:32

No, the responsibility was with the child’s parents. They were happy to send their child off with no details of where she was going, no itinerary that we know of re what she would be doing, and no contact details for the parents of the child she was staying with.

CrustyCob · 28/01/2018 21:34

It is not normal to have to call the police about a missing under age girl.

It certainly is not normal to have to tell the police that you have the girl staying with you, that her family live over 80 miles away and that you have had no discussion with her parents about her coming to stay. Further, that you have no idea where she is supposed to have gone.

Not really surprised that three officers did not have too much to say to you.

fourfuckssake4 · 28/01/2018 21:43

Sounds like you and her parents have been negligent regarding the care and safety of a 15 year old girl

Ljlsmum · 28/01/2018 21:49

So did you actually tell her parents what has happened?

I don't understand why you didn't tell them the first time she wandered off to meet randoms.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/01/2018 21:50

Did you speak to her parents prior to her coming, to discuss plans etc. As it was a lengthy journey, with a weekend stay, I would have contacted the parents to discuss matters, and clarify things.

TitsNnails · 28/01/2018 21:56

How is your daughter feeling about her friends behaviour?

Original poster
Singingtherapy · 28/01/2018 21:56

Like I said I'm agreeing to disagree. The police gathered all the facts and were happy with my actions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Singingtherapy · 28/01/2018 21:57

My daughter wants nothing more to do with her.

OP posts:
Hofty · 28/01/2018 21:59

I should put it all behind you OP. Some people on here are never happier than when they're castigating someone.

Uterusuterusgarlic · 28/01/2018 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

londonista · 28/01/2018 22:01

Singing ... just read the whole thread.
I know you don't need my affirmation but I think on balance from what you've described I would have done the exact same. Well done on sorting out a shit situation!

Winteriscoming18 · 28/01/2018 22:02

The fact op refuses to answer the question if she discussed arrangements prior to the visit with the girls parents or the after events if very telling

londonista · 28/01/2018 22:04

I don't think she was "facilitating" her at all! Have we read a different thread? Confused

LoniceraJaponica · 28/01/2018 22:13

Wow, that was an eventful weekend. I don't understand why so many posters were so nasty to the OP.

LizardMonitor · 28/01/2018 22:16

"Your name is part of a police investigation. If there is a next time, concerning your own daughter or anyone else who is foolhardy enough to let a child go to your place, it will be flagged."

What total hysterics.

The girl was rude and badly behaved because of her treatment of the OP's Dd. But 15 year olds go out in the evening. They go out after 7pm and return at 10 or 10.30. Probably had the OP's Dd gone with her they both would have been out of the house...but, as the OP's dd is better behaved, been home at 10 or 10.30.

Was the OP supposed to bar the door because she was going out alone and not with the OP's Dd? That is a different issue.

She was a rude and badly behaved girl.

Personally I would want to know the name address and phone number of any family my 15 year old was going to stay the weekend with, but once there, if she went out with friends saying she would be back at 10 or 10.30 i would think that normal. Except mine, obviously, would go with the friend she was staying with.

CoolCarrie · 28/01/2018 22:20

you, op, should have spoken to her parents about everything before she arrived, and during her stay. She is only 15, so still a child. Very odd all round...

NotAgainYoda · 28/01/2018 22:24

LoverofCake

Your assumption that people on here don't have teens. Many of us do.

NoIdeaWhatToSay · 28/01/2018 22:58

I don't have teens. I'll start with that.

Now assuming that the OP had challenged the girl about where she was going, and then told her she didn't trust her to meet friends so she couldn't go - what happens then? The police wouldn't have looked too kindly on an adult holding a teenager in their house, where the teenager wasn't even a resident.

You can't just stop someone from going where they want to go, you can't just march over to where a young person is and drag them home. They have rights which are protected by the law. The girl's parents did not stop the girl from travelling 80 miles by herself, what right did the OP have to stop her from going where she wanted to go? None whatsoever.

If the OP's own daughter decided she was going somewhere the OP, legally, wouldn't be able to stop her. The girl's parents should have communicated with the OP let's face it, it's their child and if they had stipulations about what they wanted to happen or not happen then they should have communicated them. If I was the OP I'd have assumed that the girl was allowed to do as she pleased when she was at home, otherwise the parents would have been more forthcoming.

When the girl didn't return at the time she was supposed to the OP did the right thing.

Cockmagic · 28/01/2018 23:10

OP I was much like your DDs friend at that age.

I ended up being groomed by a 45 year old man, made to stay in his caravan and plied with alcohol. He made sex tapes of myself and did horrible acts to me.

I was 15.

Please see where the friend it. I'll never forget the morning I woke up crying whilst he had sex with me.

RubyLennoxExists · 29/01/2018 08:34

I see Captain Hindsight and Major Hysterics are out in force on this thread Hmm
OP I think you're being overly-berated on this thread, I expect next time (not that there'll be a next time with this child) you'd do things differently; you weren't on this occasion expecting this type of behaviour and it caught you on the back foot. Your guest went to visit friends, which is what 15 yo's do, (albeit completely rude of her to treat your DD the way she did) and you phoned the police when she didn't return at the right time. I don't think the police will have you at the top of their list of major criminals from here on.

4teensandababy · 29/01/2018 08:52

As a parent of a similar aged teenage girl, I honestly don't think I would have handled it any differently to how the OP did.
Sorry you're getting a hard time OP Flowers

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 29/01/2018 09:16

What do you mean, op; the police were happy with my actions?
They took the trouble to pat you on the back and reassure you you did a fine job? I doubt it...
As to "what was op supposed to do, bar the door?"
The first thing I'd have done is call her parents and see what tale she'd spun them.
Surely that's what anyone hosting a 15 year old who's swanning around town doing God knows what with God knows who would do??

SavvyBlancBlonde · 29/01/2018 09:24

OP - have you heard from the former friend or her parents since she was sent home?

labazs · 29/01/2018 17:29

last visit me thinks TG shes moved away