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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD has a friend staying. And she's using us like a hotel!

311 replies

Singingtherapy · 27/01/2018 21:11

A close friend of my 15 year old daughter moved around 80 miles away in August. She and my daughter remained close and talk most days. This weekend she's come to stay with us for the first time, Friday to Sunday. We all prepared to welcome her, DD planned their itinerary, I filled the fridge with food and looked forward to hosting her for a weekend. Turns out her agenda was a little different. She arrived with plenty of money for taxis and has been out to see three different groups of friends, never inviting dd. DD is coping fine, just shrugging it off. It's not on though is it?

OP posts:

Ellyess · 29/01/2018 21:14

Hello Singingtherapy, yes! The Police are right! You acted impeccably! What else could you have done? Tied her up? Sat on her to stop her going out? You contacted the Police as soon as you could not locate her and they found her safely, almost straight away, due to your prompt action no doubt. That the Police said you did well and handled a difficult situation well is something to bear in mind. They see so many people, parents, teenagers, all sorts of situations. They know when then they are dealing with a decent and responsible person. I think you did brilliantly not to go out of your mind with worry and anger at this girl! At least it has given you the opportunity to demonstrate to your daughter why, as her mum, you worry about her and need to know where she is all the time. She sounds like a lovely girl. Good luck to you both and many congratulations!
P.S. I have been lambasted by a relative in the past when I called the Police to a potentially dangerous situation. The Police, several of them separately, thanked me and told me I did the right thing. However, I went through a terrible time being abused by the horrible people concerned. I have since severed contact with this strand of the family on Police advice.

KERALA1 · 29/01/2018 22:29

Well exactly op. If you are remiss I am too, as is every other host family of 15/16 year old girls in our tourist city.

Talk about no good deed unpunished you tried to do a nice thing for your dd and her friend and look what you get!

Those parents should be sending you a fuck off bunch of flowers to recompense for the hassle and worry caused by their hideous daughter but wouldn't hold your breath...

manicmij · 29/01/2018 22:46

I'd be telling her if she wants to see "her friends" it would be best if she stayed in so travel lodge as you don't really do bed and breakfast. What a horrible girl. Her parents must know what she had planned given arriving with a load of cash.

Fbnick · 29/01/2018 23:11

@raqumax: very well said.

I live on the moon.

Do you believe me?

I hope your daughter always stays on the straight and narrow, it

Fbnick · 29/01/2018 23:11

It's not like you'd notice, until it's too late.

Zena1973 · 30/01/2018 07:27

Sounds to me op like the only mistake you made here was the assumption that this girl is the sane well mannered kind of girl your daughter is. She is not. Fact. Your kindness was taken and used against you and your daughter. Lesson learnt. Hope you and your daughter are ok as I’m sure it must have been a very stressful and upsetting weekend of which neither of you asked for.

babyccinoo · 30/01/2018 07:38

OP, I doubt you would have let your own DD go in a taxi. You would have dropped her off yourself. You should have been more questioning and let her parents know she was going out.

I think you washed your hands off this girl a bit because she didn't treat your DD well.

LoniceraJaponica · 30/01/2018 07:42

Mssive assumptions there babyccinoo
Do you actullay know any 15 year old girls? My DD wouldn't have behaved like that, but she knows a few who would. And what exactly could the OP have done? Locked her in the house?

LizardMonitor · 30/01/2018 07:47

Babyccino, there is nothing inherently alarming about ‘going off in a taxi ‘ and no one I know drops their 15 year olds off at social events. Ok, that’s because in London most 15 year olds make their way all over the place on buses, trains and tubes.
Sometimes they come home late in an Uber
15 year olds are very independent!

KERALA1 · 30/01/2018 07:57

I wonder if some of these posters have tiny children and short memories...

PiffIeandWiffle · 30/01/2018 08:18

I'm with you OP.

She's 15 FFS, there are some expectations while she's with you, but once she's gone out of your house there's nothing more you can do or be responsible for.

I think some of this (rather naive) lot were expecting you to follow the 2 of them round all day & night, sitting staring at them across the room.

Whereas those of us that actually have kids (real ones, not Mumsnet ones that do exactly as they're told 24/7 & have no conscious thought processes of their own) know that they'll go out & do what they like as much as they can.

She obviously thought that she'd push the limits as her parents were so far away - I don't think they'll make the same mistake again!!

KERALA1 · 30/01/2018 08:18

So op should have driven this girl to her destination to which her dd wasn't invited?! Odd. Most kids of this age are perfectly capable of getting themselves to their early evening destinations. My 12 year old does. Also this girl used to live in the area so will know her way around she's not having to navigate a new town.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/01/2018 08:30

Exactly, have any of you got teenagers! This girl is 15 nearly 16, not 6 FFs! At that age 40 years ago my brother was in the Navy scrubbing decks. No wonder kids these days are so cotton wooded with little independence. As I said, at that age, my mum used to let me go out clubbing occasionally with my friend via the tube. I only ever had a few drinks, as did my friend, we got the night bus home back to my friends. We knew how to be safe, only got night bus home or proper taxi.

Tweez · 30/01/2018 08:36

I agree totally with yo op, you did the right thing.

Original poster

Singingtherapy · 30/01/2018 08:36

Thank you zena, that sums it up pretty well.

OP posts:

KERALA1 · 30/01/2018 08:39

Maybe in a few years you will look back and laugh (trying to look on bright side)

Aeroflotgirl · 30/01/2018 09:07

I have to laugh, the overreaction and misinformation from some on here, is absurd. So how will op be on Police files for future reference, for a missing nearly 16 year old young person, where did you get your information from? At that age, my mum hardly spoke to my friends parents, we all made our own arrangements, and told our parents our plans. Usually we were very sensible, so nothing out of the ordinary, or mum would have stopped it.

So its only when they hit 18, then they are allowed independence, you don't think preparing a young person for independence and adulthood is ok. The girls mother obviously trusted her to be able to use the train, and if she was concerned she would have contacted op.

All op should have done, is when the friend did not come when she said, she should have informed the mum, and the Police.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/01/2018 09:08

This girl cannot obviously be trusted, so its up to her mother to parent her how she sees fit. Its no longer op concern as her dd won't be seeing her again.

bettytaghetti · 30/01/2018 09:11

Have her parents been in touch to apologise for their daughter causing you so much grief this weekend, or even to thank you for having her to stay?

BakedBeans47 · 30/01/2018 10:16

I am amazed at some of the attitudes towards the OP on this thread. The kid is 15, not 8. She’s not the OP’s responsibility. The OP owes no duty of care towards her daughter’s friends. The girl’s parents to. Jeezo at 15 I was out and about on my own loads and it was far from uncommon, my parents weren’t exactly neglectful. Mind you given a recent post where people stated that they didn’t allow 10 and 11 year olds out to the end of the street without adult supervision it’s hardly surprising.

TandemBanana · 30/01/2018 12:13

So what have you said to her parents? Did you contact them when you spoke to the police?

Thinkingofausername1 · 30/01/2018 12:14

Omg that's mean. Don't have her back again.

LoverOfCake · 30/01/2018 12:16

OP, I doubt you would have let your own DD go in a taxi. You would have dropped her off yourself. You should have been more questioning and let her parents know she was going out. I don’t drive and have a fifteen year old. I wonder if people think that he shouldn’t be allowed out or whether my lack of a licence means I shouldn’t have children or perhaps whether I should accompany him on nights out with his friends in a taxi? .

FWIW I have a family member who is a police officer and who says that he will keep his teenagers home for as long as possible because he sees what teenagers get up to every single day and the parents are oblivious.

And yes, the assumption that the OP will be on a police file and be brought to the attention of social services because of a girl being allowed out on her own is hilarious I wonder if these are the same posters who, if someone posted “I have just been into a pub and I saw a fifteen year old there joking with her mates that she was staying with a friend’s parents and they had no idea she was in there,” would rush to tell the OP to call social services at once since this was a safeguarding issue....? .

My fifteen year old isn’t inconsiderate enough to use a friend like that either, is generally in touch and would be given a curfew if going out at night and may God have mercy on him if he broke it. But teenagers going out alone without their parents actually knowing where they are (do bear in mind that the girl did originally tell the OP where she was going) ending up going somewhere else, drinking potentially even having sex is absolutely normal, and the reality here is that if it had been parents there’s every chance that the police wouldn’t have been called so soon either - in fact I remember my sister breaking curfew once and my dad went out looking for her. She came home before he did.....

And to those who believe that they know exactly where their fifteen year olds are and what they’re up to at all times, do you know who they’re talking to and what they’re doing on the internet under your own roof?

Aeroflotgirl · 30/01/2018 12:21

My mum diden't drive, shock horror what must we do! Get public transport or a taxi, that's what. Goodness gracious me. Barring any SN, the teens should be about preparing for adulthood, and gaining independence. In a couple of years time, this young person will be 18, and adult!

Aeroflotgirl · 30/01/2018 12:24

When I was 16 i used to get the bus by myself from my house in Stanmore (greater London), to Harrow on the Weald station, than the train to my school in Rickmansorth. From the station there, I used to get a taxi (shock horror) to school, as I had all my stuff from home. It was a boarding school, and I was a weekly boarder. It was a big schlep from Rickmansworth station to school. I used to do the same journey home, every weekend.

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