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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD has a friend staying. And she's using us like a hotel!

311 replies

Singingtherapy · 27/01/2018 21:11

A close friend of my 15 year old daughter moved around 80 miles away in August. She and my daughter remained close and talk most days. This weekend she's come to stay with us for the first time, Friday to Sunday. We all prepared to welcome her, DD planned their itinerary, I filled the fridge with food and looked forward to hosting her for a weekend. Turns out her agenda was a little different. She arrived with plenty of money for taxis and has been out to see three different groups of friends, never inviting dd. DD is coping fine, just shrugging it off. It's not on though is it?

OP posts:
MissesBloom · 30/01/2018 12:36

I struggle to see how on earth any of this is ops fault. I think she acted responsibly.

This girl took complete advantage of the situation and treated their family in a disgusting manner. I'd have sent her home, op was kind enough to allow her to stay but she continued to behave badly.

Clearly a lesson was learned here but I don't think op deserves any bashing whatsoever. The parents of this girl however should be far more vigilant about her whereabouts and be checking in with both the op and their daughter.

Hope you're back to normal now and dd isn't too upset

Aeroflotgirl · 30/01/2018 12:44

Op is unclear though on whether she had the girls telephone number, that I think she should have had. And whether she tried to call her to tell her to come back, when she did not come at the said time. Also it is unclear whether op informed her mum once it was established she was missing. Yes the almost 16 girl, used op and her dd house as a hotel whilst she swanned off seeing other friends. If she behaves like that, then she won't have many friends. She is almost an adult, so she better get her act together.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/01/2018 12:46

Thank god the sensible people have emerged, and the hysterics have died a tragic death. Really some of the responses on her are so funny. No wonder when kids reach adulthood they have very little sense of independence and thinking for themselves. Young people learn from mistakes, its good to make mistakes as they know not to do that again, action and consequence. This girl is learning that if you use people, they won't be your friends again.

LoverOfCake · 30/01/2018 12:46

@Aeroflotgirl Shock Shock such neglect Wink.

TBH I actually think that Being able (and prepared) to drive anywhere and everywhere creates a lack of independence in some ways as it creates people who are either unwilling or unable to use public transport, so when they find themselves unable to drive for whatever reason be that because the car has broken down or because of illness etc they find themselves in an impossible situation.

Obviously it goes without saying that if the public transport in a particular area is bad then being able to drive is a god-send. But in a big city there is really no need, and in fact I’d say that in central London it’s more of a hinderance to not wish to or be able to use public transport.

I do find that friends and family who don’t live locally to me find it inconceivable that I allow DS out on public transport and that he has such a wide understanding of it and uses it without a second thought. But even if I were able to drive, living in London I wouldn’t bother.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/01/2018 12:49

I know Lover, clubbing at 15, and making my own way from a school a distance away. It helped me gain confidence in my indepdendance and ability to think for myself and problem solve. I live in a place with bad public transport, and have failed my driving tests, you either get public transport or a taxi. Not mummy or daddy driving you everywhere. My dad who was a driver, died when I was a child, so mum and I had to get public transport everywhere as taxi was very dear.

LagunaBubbles · 30/01/2018 12:55

OP, I doubt you would have let your own DD go in a taxi.

I have a 15 year old, we live fairly rural and hes been getting the bus and train and shock horror - even walking - all by himself for over a year now. It doesnt do teenagers any favours at all to be their personal taxi service.

KERALA1 · 30/01/2018 15:09

We had some 15 year old girls from Brazil staying. I showed them the bus stop and how to get in and out of town (5 min bus ride). They looked at me blankly. On our own?! Aren't you going to drive us?! Err nope.

By the end of their stay they were in tears at the prospect of going home. Where they lived was so unsafe their fathers did have to drive them everywhere. They had loved their freedom in England. Nice girls, didn't do anything shocking just cinema, cafes with their friends. They said they felt so trapped at home. Giving teenagers freedom is so important.

yrhengi · 30/01/2018 15:15

I do think MN is missing a trick, not having a Talk topic called I AM NOT BEING UNREASONABLE, WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OF IT, EH?

grindel · 30/01/2018 15:19

Bravo OP. What more could you have done.

bummymummythefirst · 30/01/2018 15:34

Grin I'm not being unreasonable and what?

Skowvegas · 30/01/2018 15:38

A couple of weeks ago my 16yo got herself an Uber to the airport then took two connecting flights. This was after spending two weeks in a large US city taking the subway everywhere.

When she's at home she drives herself and her siblings all over the place.

I actually think 16 year olds are brilliant.

GreenTulips · 30/01/2018 17:30

It's not a question of what you as a parent allow your child to do and what you would allow a visiting child to do - totally different responsibilities.

CraftyNestUK · 30/01/2018 18:04

You were put in a terrible situation by this very selfish teen. I have a teen daughter and one now older. Both have had Friends visit who have moved away. None have been so selfish. This situation was handled as well as you could do. I’m glad you called the police - this girl will hopefully have learned her lesson now. Don’t be bothered at all by the nay sayers. The police will certainly think you did the right thing, that you’re responsible and acted accordingly when this girl did not come back as she herself advised you she would (and at a reasonable time of 10pm).

I’m so sorry for your daughter. This girl was not really a friend.

LoniceraJaponica · 30/01/2018 18:55

You can't drive until you are 17 in the UK Skowvegas. DD in't that independent, but she suffers from anxiety and would rather stay home than catch a bus (other than to school). She will catch a train though.

LoafEater · 30/01/2018 19:06

Have this horrible girls parents been in touch with you to apologise for her rudeness and the stress she caused you all?

Aeroflotgirl · 30/01/2018 19:12

Green her parents obviously trusted her to travel that distance by train on her own, and did not contact op prior to her visit to voice any concerns, so sounds fairly independent to me. Considering she is nearly 16 and not far off being an adult, op was entirely right. What she needed to clarify was whether she contacted her parents on her going awol, and whether she had the girls number and tried to contact her prior to calling the Police. The girl behaved very irresponsibly and its her and her rude mother who are in the fault for taking advantage of op and her dd hospitality.

Obviously does not really care, as as it appears that she has not contacted op to speak to her about her dd going missing or to clarify things with op.

milliemolliemou · 30/01/2018 19:13

OP Well on you for handling it. I hope you'll let us know what the girl's parents said. I know your DD is now not comfortable with this girl any more. I suspect her parents gave her cash to help you and DD out with outings and travel and she just blued it on taxis etc.

Lesson to all of us with teenagers. I certainly wouldn't allow any child or teenager around without knowing their parents' contact details any more. And if my DS or DD didn't want me to talk to the parents of a visitor beforehand to agree what's on or not, I will now just say no to the visitor. It's not only girls - boys can be groomed too or get up to major trouble with drugs and drink.

GreenTulips · 30/01/2018 19:45

Green her parents obviously trusted her to travel that distance by train on her own
The girl behaved very irresponsibly

So which is it?

Aeroflotgirl · 30/01/2018 21:07

both Green*. Does not mean she is not capable of being independent. Her attitude needs an overheaul.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/01/2018 21:07

That's not op responsibility, but her parents.

BakedBeans47 · 30/01/2018 22:50

It's not a question of what you as a parent allow your child to do and what you would allow a visiting child to do - totally different responsibilities.

OP isn’t responsible for her. Her own parents are. She’s 15, not a baby who is incapable of looking after herself without constant adult supervision.

BakedBeans47 · 30/01/2018 23:01

And, the poster would be in trouble, because after all, she was entrusted with the care of that minor child.

What kind of trouble? Seriously.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/01/2018 07:31

I know baked, where are people getting their information from? Are they Police Officers or Social workers, are they in a related area? Some of these hysterics are designed to scare op.

crumpet · 31/01/2018 07:38

As a teenager in a similar city in the Far East, with a very multi national community, I had a lot more freedom than when we lived in the UK. It was a pretty safe place, taxis were really cheap, and I and my school friends had busy social lives- whether it was heading into town/ a market, to go swimming/to the beach, or in the evenings to go out dancing. Hopping into taxis (sometimes even just up to school if it was very hot and humid) was the norm.

crumpet · 31/01/2018 07:40

Regardless, your house guest was unbelievably rude to you and your dd!