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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD has a friend staying. And she's using us like a hotel!

311 replies

Singingtherapy · 27/01/2018 21:11

A close friend of my 15 year old daughter moved around 80 miles away in August. She and my daughter remained close and talk most days. This weekend she's come to stay with us for the first time, Friday to Sunday. We all prepared to welcome her, DD planned their itinerary, I filled the fridge with food and looked forward to hosting her for a weekend. Turns out her agenda was a little different. She arrived with plenty of money for taxis and has been out to see three different groups of friends, never inviting dd. DD is coping fine, just shrugging it off. It's not on though is it?

OP posts:
hellokittymania · 29/01/2018 17:40

Your poor DD, glad she's coping

PrimalLass · 29/01/2018 17:52

The fact op refuses to answer the question if she discussed arrangements prior to the visit with the girls parents or the after events if very telling

Why is it telling? At 15 I was out and about at weekends and my parents never spoke to my friends' parents once.

KitKat1985 · 29/01/2018 17:54

I think you've had some harsh responses on here OP.

Has she gone home now?

PrimalLass · 29/01/2018 17:55

It’s not normal at the age of 15, it just isn’t.

It certainly was when I grew up (somewhere very very naice btw). We were pretty wild and our parents had no idea.

OVienna · 29/01/2018 17:56

Thanks for posting this thread OP. Even though I know you've had a bit of a bashing from some! I have at 13 year old and it's been helpful to see the different attitudes here.

At the end of the day - this is no different to any other aspect of parenting. You just have to decide what you're comfortable with and stick with it. I think I would have needed to ring the parents and tell them I wasn't comfortable with the situation and if they were I'd prefer for the DD to find somewhere else to stay where she could carry on with her goings on.

Let's say for a second you phoned and the parents said: All good, we don't mind her having this much freedom. These parents don't mind UNTIL something goes wrong, is my guess. And their DD inconvenienced you - you had to go on a manhunt for her.

Or they say - no, we're horrified. And then what??? Bar the door? Sulks, etc. Nightmare.

I guess it's a lesson to check with the parents...

Katherine2626 · 29/01/2018 17:59

Rude girl. Cross her off your Christmas Card list and be thankful she is now living 80 miles away. Nice people who fill their fridge and welcome visitors with open arms don't need nasty 'friends' like this. I would also tell her parents what has happened in case she has been up to anything inappropriate.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/01/2018 18:01

I would have done exactly as you did, OP. What else could you do? This girl is extremely bad-mannered and it's just as well that she's now home. I hope her parents teach her some manners finally as they haven't managed to din them into her hitherto.

I feel sorry for your daughter. Her 'friend' is a user. No other word for it.

BuggeringNora · 29/01/2018 18:09

I think you've had an unnecessarily hard time here OP. I also think that a lot of posters here live in some kind of isolated bubble, judging by all the shrieks of, "it's not normal behaviour for a 15 year old!" Of course it is. Rude and selfish most definitely, but abnormal? Not at all.
I work with kids who've been arrested for an assortment of crimes. Average age 14-16. I've sat in police stations and listened to stuff that would make your hair curl - the behaviour related by the OP wouldn't even warrant a raised eyebrow. And this stuff goes on every single day. It's not remotely unusual or abnormal.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/01/2018 18:13

I remember going clubbing or to the disco on my own with a friend at 15 with our parent's permission, and money for drink and a taxi. This was 25 years ago. I have a sensible attitude to drink, and never taken anything other than prescription drugs. That age, it is up to the parents to do what they see fit.

jayne1976 · 29/01/2018 18:17

Thought you were going to say she was leaving dirty laundry around.
That’s shocking - so sorry for your dd

KERALA1 · 29/01/2018 18:17

Why are people laying into the op? What should she have done? I host girls of this age. If they are allowed out in the evenings by parents the language schools informs me, off they go. I give them a curfew, have their mobile numbers and tell them to stick together. What else should I / op do? Follow them?

I have hosted for years and not lost one yet Grin

Strongmummy · 29/01/2018 18:27

Tell her to fuck off home

GreenTulips · 29/01/2018 18:29

What should she have done?

You know spoke to her parents before she came, checked for allergies and medication, had emergency phone numbers - just t the basics

woodhill · 29/01/2018 18:30

She sounds awful and to exclude your own dd like that.

It sounds like OP thought she was coming back in the evening then the girl went and did something else afterwards whilst she was already out and OP had no influence in the situation.

I think as a parent if my dd was staying with another family I would have spoken to OP beforehand

bummymummythefirst · 29/01/2018 18:37

Also not sure why you're getting such a hard time. At 15 my friends and I would stay at each other's houses or festivals even. Never any conversation between parents. We all grew up fairly fine.

And I left home at 16.

BelleandBeast · 29/01/2018 18:52

However rude her behaviour, I hope she hasn't been groomed and was meeting somebody.....

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/01/2018 19:22

Cockmagic, so you're putting your situation in the hands of the OP? This means that you would have been as badly behaved as this girl, leaving her so-called-friend, the OP's daughter behind, to go off and meet somebody that you didn't know?

It's absolutely the fault of the perpetrator but OP's DD's friend's behaviour is her fault and she's very fortunate that nothing befell her. What was OP supposed to do? Barricade the door? Manhandle the 'friend' into a chair and refuse to let her out?

Yes, it would be a good idea to have contact details of the parents, I would do that too - but I wouldn't bloody expect to have to ring them to complain about their absolute rude brat of a daughter!

FarmerSee · 29/01/2018 19:22

OP, you've had some overly harsh and unfair criticism here.

At 15 I was most certainly staying over at friends houses and staying out later than others would consider 'normal' for my age, without my parents and friends parents actively communicating with each other beforehand. I'd simply tell my parents who I was staying with and when to expect me back and that's as far as my parents got involved. My friends parents would want to know where we would be hanging out if ee went out and when we'd be home and that would be it - occasionally, being 15 we'd lie and end up in a club or at a party and creep in late.

To me this is normal. It's not ideal, it's stressful for adults and I'm not looking forward to my own DCs teen years as a result. But it's what teens do and you can't keep them on leashes.

The only thing that's not normal is staying with your mate and then pissing off out everyday without said mate and THEN turning up late (at least when you don't arrive home on time and get the adults all worked up and worried, it's mainly your mate that gets the verbal battering when you do crawl in!)

Your DDs 'friend' is clearly a freeloading brass necked CF who has royally taken the piss, which you couldn't have foreseen. Especially as she and your DD have been friends fir some years, I can fully appreciate you had no reason to even think she would do this. I think you handled it as well as you could personally.

Obviously it's been a learning curve for you and you'll no doubt play it differently next time your DD has any other friends to stay.

Your DD does right to not see her again.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/01/2018 19:25

Exactly, bummy, I was out and about at 15 too and I would have been in big trouble at home if I'd behaved like this. I wouldn't have been allowed out again and my parents would have taken responsibility for me, not abdicated it to a host. Such entitlement on this thread, sign of the times I guess. Urgh.

15 is a minor, it's not a child of 5 and a 15 year old knows right from wrong - or really ought to.

LoniceraJaponica · 29/01/2018 19:27

"I also think that a lot of posters here live in some kind of isolated bubble, judging by all the shrieks of, "it's not normal behaviour for a 15 year old!""

I agree. While DD has never and would never behave like this she knows girls who would and do.

Katyb121 · 29/01/2018 20:18

I feel really sorry for OP & her dd, this "friend" put you in a horrible situation & I think you handled it as best you could. I can't believe some of the mean comments aimed at OP !

hanr84 · 29/01/2018 20:24

Op you handled the difficult situation very well. You were not expecting her to behave in this way and reacted to her actions as best you could at the time. Keyboard warriors always know best ;-) ignore and move on x

Ellyess · 29/01/2018 20:39

Crumbs, Singingtherapy How I feel for your daughter and you! I have to say as a mum and a gran, I believe this is the times we've been living in for some time now. People USE nice people like you and your D. This little creep didn't ask to stay with anyone else did she? About 20 years ago I moved from the home counties to Nottingham, having lived 30 minutes by train from London nearly all my life -in different locations. I was suddenly inundated by "friends and friends of friends and family" to "visit" me and stay the night or two depending on the length of their sporting or otherwise engagement. None of them actually came to visit me, I soon realised! All they wanted was free B&B and a meal and a break in their journey onwards to their holiday, in, say, Scotland. After 5 years of this I just stopped having them and said I was going away. They had the horrible south of London superiority complex towards the midlands too, or "North" as they thought Nottingham was. Also I was fed-up with the little sneery remarks which were back-handed put-downs about Nottingham, where I chose to live, because it is so lovely and the people are so kind.
Another example; a friend took her daughter and a mini-bus-full group of post GCSE taking girl friends to a gite in deepest France for a week, at her own expense. She cooked and washed up and drove for them every day as they had a great time leaping around scantily clad and seducing the local males. At the end of the week, exhausted, she drove them all the way back via the tunnel and up to Leicestershire. Upon arriving back, this bevvy of privileged, privately educated, posh girls left the minibus and went to their parents' cars without one word of thanks or goodbye. She knew their parents and did not think they were bringing their children up to be spoilt brats, but it seems to be the way things are. I honestly do think it's the times we live in - selfishness, narcissism, there is much more around than ever before. Facebook is filled with it.

RaqsMax · 29/01/2018 20:44

The moment she said she was off out....without your daughter!, I would have said "Stop right there!". You are absolutely responsible for a minor in your care. Her parents will assume that she is with you and your DD, not going out to parts unknown.

Speak to her IMMEDIATELY and tell her that she is not allowed out unaccompanied while staying with you, and that you also think her behaviour has been extremely rude. You are not a free B&B; she is a house guest who is meant to be visiting to spend time with your DD. If she does not want to be with your DD, then she can go home.

Also call her parents IMMEDIATELY and explain that she has been going out with people/to places unknown to you (and ignoring your DD). Say that you can no longer be responsible for her and you would like her to be picked up immediately and taken home. Job done.

Original poster
Singingtherapy · 29/01/2018 21:09

Well it's all behind us now. DD is feeling very used. She's been a good friend to this girl and didn't deserve this. There won't be any further contact with her. As I said earlier, the criticism hasn't touched me. This girl is year 11, nearly 16. Young people of that age are allowed to say 'thanks for dinner, I'm just popping out for a couple of hours, see you later'. That's reality. The fact that some people didn't know it is nothing to do with me. And yes, it was verified by the police. A young person in my care left my house unattended and I didn't stop them. Had it been a seven year old I'd have been arrested. Because it was a 15 year old they didn't bat an eyelid. And sorry to disappoint but yes, they did thank me and confirm that I'd done the right thing.

OP posts: