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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD has a friend staying. And she's using us like a hotel!

311 replies

Singingtherapy · 27/01/2018 21:11

A close friend of my 15 year old daughter moved around 80 miles away in August. She and my daughter remained close and talk most days. This weekend she's come to stay with us for the first time, Friday to Sunday. We all prepared to welcome her, DD planned their itinerary, I filled the fridge with food and looked forward to hosting her for a weekend. Turns out her agenda was a little different. She arrived with plenty of money for taxis and has been out to see three different groups of friends, never inviting dd. DD is coping fine, just shrugging it off. It's not on though is it?

OP posts:
notanurse2017 · 28/01/2018 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 28/01/2018 18:07

What was OP supposed to do, bar the door?

gingergenius · 28/01/2018 18:09

If dd is shrugging it off, are you sure she's not covering for her friend seeing a boy?

OnlyAmy · 28/01/2018 18:14

By "if something had happened", I mean if she had been raped, murdered, drugged, or had some other calamity befall her. And, the poster would be in trouble, because after all, she was entrusted with the care of that minor child.

gingergenius · 28/01/2018 18:14

Oops. Note to self: rtft!

I went off to Germany for 6 weeks by myself at 15. My mum didn't have a clue what I was doing.
She was a cheeky madam. Lesson learned!

HotelEuphoria · 28/01/2018 18:15

You didn't do everything you could and I don't think MN members are rambling.

The first thing you should have done was spoken to the girls parents to agree what was happening, when and contact numbers BEFORE she arrived.

It's simple.

JaneEyre70 · 28/01/2018 18:16

I don't think either the OP or the girls parents come out of this story very well tbh. I'm pretty shocked at both, and hope that SS are involved in this after the Police were. She sounds very at risk, given that amount of freedom at a very vulnerable age.

Winteriscoming18 · 28/01/2018 18:16

Op was the adult in charge and should have checked with her parents, both op and the parents are at fault here. Sounds like the two girls arranged this themselves without any parental input what so ever. At 15 they have no awareness of potential dangers until it’s too late. I don’t understand the mentally that once they become teenagers they suddenly have the freedom to come and go as they please. It is something that is build up as they get older but you still have a duty of care for them and avoid potential dangerous situations.

HotelEuphoria · 28/01/2018 18:17

Oh and I was 15 too and have a 23 and 20 year old, so not sat on MN with my toddlers saying what I would do in an unlikely scenario, I am saying what I have done. Many times.

LovingLola · 28/01/2018 18:22

At least now both the OP and the parents of the girl involved will be known to both police and other agencies who are involved in the care of vulnerable children.

CheesyWeez · 28/01/2018 18:34

I agree with Lovemusic too. At 15 the girl had her own agenda. If she'd come back at 10pm that would have been fine, but she didn't. I would have acted exactly the same as the OP.

2rebecca · 28/01/2018 19:22

Why will social services get involved because a 15 year old came back to where she was staying late ? Seriously some of you have very little idea of how difficult teenagers can be and how bad things have to be for social services to get involved.
I think the OP did the right thing, although she should have laid down ground rules when the girl arrived not waited until things had gone pear shaped. Social services won't be interested in normal teenage behaviour though.

octonaught · 28/01/2018 19:28

I wouldn't blame the Op's daughter winteriscoming

I hope the op / police have fully updated the guest's parents. She must have been lying through her teeth to her parents as to what she was up to. I cannot believe her parents didn't contact her directly on her mobile during the entire weekend.

isadoradancing123 · 28/01/2018 19:30

Why on earth would you be criticised? Her parents obviously knew she would be seeing lots of old friends and gave her lots of taxi money. How does suddenly become your responsibility to change this

Winteriscoming18 · 28/01/2018 19:35

I wasn’t blaming the dd but I meant that no conversations took place between the parents but between the two girls.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/01/2018 19:46

Meh I went on a French exchange solo for 3 weeks aged 13 . And went out alone aged 15.

If this is true I don’t think OP did anything wrong actually .

The main lesson I have learnt is to get the tel number of the parents of a visiting teenager . Op - onwards and upwards

WellThisIsShit · 28/01/2018 20:00

I think the OP did the basics she needed to. Ok it wasn’t as ‘on it’ and involved as other parents, but she wasn’t actually negligent.

It was really the girls actual parents who have dropped the ball here. A naughty teenager has taken advantage of the lack of close engagement of her parents, and is either now horribly embarrassed about last night... or laughing it off to her friends and planning her next escapade.

LoverOfCake · 28/01/2018 20:10

Clearly a lot of people on here who don’t have teenagers. And a lot of people on here who would have taken action because they remember what they were like when they were teenagers.

The parents of the girl clearly are happy with the amount of freedom they’ve given her because they sent her off for the weekend with loads of money and not so much as a phone call.

I was at boarding school at that age and my parents didn’t (and still don’t) have a clue what I got up to. Nothing in my case as it happens, but I could have done and they would never have known.

But unless you actually don’t allow your children out on their own at all there is every chance they are getting up to stuff you have no idea about. Even if you know which friends’ houses they’re at.

My DS isn’t one for going out at night anyway, but he tells me about how some of his friends go to each other’s houses and how some of the parents even buy them alcohol.

As for hoping social services become involved, oh do get a grip.

perper · 28/01/2018 20:21

Lots of people assuming here that the girl's parents willingly sent her off with plenty of taxi money and permission to travel around and stay out all night- possible, but highly unlikely.

It sounds more likely that this girl has spun a web of lies to her parents and has taken her own money.

There are no excuses for 'assuming' that a child in your care will be fine- it is blatantly obvious from the outcome of this that she was NOT fine and NOT managing her own behaviour well. To be honest the outcome could easily have been far, far worse.

Lesson learned I hope for everyone- always always communicate with other parents and keep tabs on where children are (not just where they say they are)!

catwoozle · 28/01/2018 20:30

The OP didn't do anything wrong - if my DD behaved as the guest did I'd be horrified and apologetic, and wouldn't blame the OP.

One thing it has taught me though is to always make sure I have contact details for parents of DD's friends.

2rebecca · 28/01/2018 20:43

I don't think sending your child to stay with someone forthe weekend and giving them money is a sign of neglect. It's the girl who said it was taxi money. Her parents maybe just didn't want the host family paying for their daughter all weekend if they went out to the cinema/ lunch etc

CrustyCob · 28/01/2018 20:50

@perper
Valid points all. It is also possible that the "taxi" money came from a third party. Let us hope that the police have a serious safeguarding discussion with the girl's parents.
If she lives over 80 miles away probably more than one police force involved in this.

Original poster
Singingtherapy · 28/01/2018 20:59

I really have no problem with agreeing to disagree. I'm confident in my judgement and the criticism I've received from some posters has not made the slightest dent in my conscience. The time comes when young people are permitted to make a decision to be in a place without adult supervision. It's normal.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 28/01/2018 21:13

No its not normal, anything but if its someone elses child. You have a really odd attitude.

LoverOfCake · 28/01/2018 21:14

Or it’s possible that the parents actually were told by her that she was going to be spending the weekend visiting all her friends and that OP’s house was going to be a base.

I’m Confused though as to what kind of safeguarding discussion people think will be being had. It really won’t be. Police are called about teenagers all the time fifteen year olds fall pregnant and social services aren’t involved, If people genuinely believe that social services would be involved or that a safeguarding discussion would be had about a child who lied about where she was going you are sorely mistaken.

In fact if I were the parents I would be more likely to consider the OP’s DD to be the bad influence in that she was happy to have her friend staying so that she could spend the weekend doing God knows what.

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