DD has a friend staying. And she's using us like a hotel!

[Singingtherapy]

A close friend of my 15 year old daughter moved around 80 miles away in August. She and my daughter remained close and talk most days. This weekend she's come to stay with us for the first time, Friday to Sunday. We all prepared to welcome her, DD planned their itinerary, I filled the fridge with food and looked forward to hosting her for a weekend. Turns out her agenda was a little different. She arrived with plenty of money for taxis and has been out to see three different groups of friends, never inviting dd. DD is coping fine, just shrugging it off. It's not on though is it?

Just odd all round, why do you have no contact with the parents?! You have their 15 year old at your house, haven't you got their number?

I also would want to know she was doing this, if she were mine

Did the parents know she was coming to stay at yours for the weekend?

It all seems a bit weird.

Your daughter seems to be fine about her mate disappearing the whole weekend, you don't seem to actually know what she's doing, and at 15 you shouldn't be allowed to do whatever you want. Are you sure your daughter isn't in on it and her friend is actually going somewhere else to what she says?

I get the whole freedom thing but someone needs to be in control. She's still a kid. What if something happened and you needed to get hold of her/her parents?

I had a lot of friends at school and ended up moving far away from them all. If I wanted to come back and visit I would have to let a family member know what I was doing all the time. My mum would have also had the contact number for wherever I stayed.

I wouldn't let her back. She's cheeky and it's not on.

I hope she's managed to get back okay now but I would have definitely said something to her about not inviting your daughter out with her. It's rude.

How did it go?

I have read the thread and have thought about what I would have done had my DD had a friend to stay - in my care - when she was 15. Would I have allowed friend to go trotting off to see other friends, on her own , in a taxi? The answer has to be "NOT A CHANCE IN HELL":. Have you called "friends" parents to let them know what is happening OP?

I would've been on the phone to her parents the second she waved a wad of cash at me and said "'I'm off out in a taxi" for the first time. I get that you have experience of your own teens doing that, OP, but this is someone else's child you are responsible for the entire weekend and you can't be as laissez-faire. Had you called the parents, you would've been able to make the weekend a nicer experience for your daughter too, by bringing up the fact that the friend was treating her unfairly. I hope the girl got back safely last night.

I'm presuming she got back to your house last night? I would pack her off later and wave goodbye forever.
It's a bit late now but I too would have phoned her parents as soon as she booked the first taxi.

Seeing one group of friends who your DD is not part of, would be totally understandable.
But this is taking the mick. Both you and your DD have been used.

But I don't think there's any need to do anything. Just don't have her again.

"I would've been on the phone to her parents the second she waved a wad of cash at me and said "'I'm off out in a taxi" for the first time. "

I agree with that.

It all seems very odd.

She could have arranged all this befofe & you/your daughter could have decided to host or not!

Tbh if I entrusted my child in your care I would expect you not to allow her off late into the night without contacting me. I agree it’s likely there’s a boy.

Tbh if I entrusted my child in your care I would expect you not to allow her off late into the night without contacting me

On the other hand - had I sent my daughter away for the weekend I'd have contacted the parents with expectations - I would have sent money for food, entrance fees, discussed times allowed out etc

Works both ways

Agree with GreenTulips .

Her parents are obviously fine with her going away and their not knowing who she is with. She is also clearly used to going out with her friends and the OP has asked the right questions about where and who with as she would with her own DD.

Your poor Dd. I know she says she doesn't mind but I bet deep down she does.

I was someone who would allow others to have their own opinions and choices - even when it meant it negatively affected me. Luckily I'm stronger now.

I'd tell her this morning if she wants a lift back to station then she will be spending time with you all as you've taken the effort to host her.

It's a difficult one because you don't want your dd to feel embarrassed that her friend has been forced to spend time with her - but spending time with host family is a minimum expectation.

What happened last night, OP?

What time did she get back?

I would be packing the "guest" off on the first train.
You really don't want your Dd having any positive memories of this "friend". Invite another of dd's local friends to do something

I would second that she's been out with boys. Otherwise why is she not staying at the other gf's houses?

Her behaviour, your behaviour. Just wow.

Knowing what my friends were like when I was 13 upwards, it probably is a boy and she could be drinking and having sex.
Imagine if she gets home safe, spends some time with DD, gets on the train and all seems like it went well.
It could still come back to haunt with an unwanted pregnancy that could be linked back to the weekend she was at yours.
I am way too cautious/paranoid to have let her out my sight without my DD.
And plenty of my friends had the MAP, scares and even a few abortions. It does happen.

I'm making an assumption, rightly or wrongly and in the absence of OP having spoken to the kid's mother:

• That the parents may have known the girl planned to see loads of her friends
• And knowing that they gave her money for taxi's so she could get to them safely (as safely as a taxi can ever be of course)
• They might be totally disinterested to know that DD has been going off to see friends and not spend time with OPs daughter
• In which case they are CF who have bred a CF and none of them will care a jot about this awful, selfish behaviour.

It's selfish not just to OPs DD but selfish to her as well - as she says, using this visit like she's at a hotel! Absolutely SO rude!

But I also agree with others that regardless of what appalling attitude the girl's parents might have, OP should cover herself and just say she hopes it's alright but their DD has been going here there and everywhere including a late night/night out/overnight (we don't know yet) and you sincerely hope it was agreed with them before she did it - optional: and you would like to point out that you find it rude and bizarre that she would come to visit, ostensibly, your DD then spend absolutely no time with her which is an appalling way to treat her as a supposed friend, and an appalling way to treat your hospitality as you are not a hotel.

I guess the first part of your conversation would determine whether it was even worth going into the additional points.

My best friend used to invite me to sleep at hers all the time, that way she had a legitimate reason to be in the living room overnight so she could sneak out the window and go boink her boyfriend. I was quite happy covering for her. We were 14.

Same friend used to go to another girls house and the both of them would sneak out overnight.

I agree with other posters and would put money on it that the reason your DD doesn't seem upset is because this is planned.

I'm with forthekids , it's very likely her parents gave her the taxi money as she's probably been whingeing about not having seen all her friends. I think your dd has probably figured out she's not a great friend after all!

What time did the friend come back OP.
Giving lots of money for taxi’s seems a bit strange.

I was going to say what LadyFlumpalot said. I think your DD would be more upset if she actually thought she was going to go out with and do stuff with her friend.
At this age girls (and older) tend to cover for each other...a lot! It's sad that the parents of this friend didn't get in touch though.

Aw I agree greentrees it just doesn’t seem right why there wouldn’t be a conversation between both parents and contact details given prior to the dd bf coming down.

Greentulips even