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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD has a friend staying. And she's using us like a hotel!

311 replies

Singingtherapy · 27/01/2018 21:11

A close friend of my 15 year old daughter moved around 80 miles away in August. She and my daughter remained close and talk most days. This weekend she's come to stay with us for the first time, Friday to Sunday. We all prepared to welcome her, DD planned their itinerary, I filled the fridge with food and looked forward to hosting her for a weekend. Turns out her agenda was a little different. She arrived with plenty of money for taxis and has been out to see three different groups of friends, never inviting dd. DD is coping fine, just shrugging it off. It's not on though is it?

OP posts:

BrutusMcDogface · 27/01/2018 21:44

*You say she and dd talk most days?

Are you sure she and dd haven't cooked this up between them, to enable friend to see a boy her parents don't know/approve of?*

This is a good point, actually!

Uterusuterusgarlic · 27/01/2018 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Singingtherapy · 27/01/2018 21:44

The fact that she's in my care has obviously crossed my mind. The reality is that teenagers go out without close supervision though. She's told me where she's going and how she plans to get there. So I let her go, just like I do with my own teens.

OP posts:

LovingLola · 27/01/2018 21:46

I would call her parents now. I would tell them exactly what she is doing.

LovingLola · 27/01/2018 21:46

Did you speak to her parents about the weekend or was it arranged by the girls themselves?

blueyacht · 27/01/2018 21:48

Have we all forgotten what it's like being a teenage girl? I bet she's off out getting her whiskers poked while your daughter covers, which is why she's 'shrugging it off'.

Jdabbers · 27/01/2018 21:50

This is a bit cheeky and I suspect a boy is unloved and your DD is in on it... especially as she doesn't seem bothered

She has turned up with lots of money for taxis, what do her parents think that she was doing this weekend?

2rebecca · 27/01/2018 21:50

I wouldn't have her again. I probably would tell her that it seems odd and rude to stay with you and then go out and do other stuff without your daughter and that your house isn't a hotel. She's maybe too young to realise this is inappropriate and rude.
I think seeing other people is OK if she'd agreed separate plans with your daughter but she obviously hadn't.
If I'm seeing my dad I'll often tell him before I go that I'd like to do x whilst I'm there and my husband will often go off cycling. The stuff I want to do is usually stuff my dad can come along to if he wants though and I wouldn't spend more than 1/3 of the time doing stuff I'd planned I leave most of the time free.

expatinscotland · 27/01/2018 21:52

'would speak to her parents under the guise of checking that it's ok with them for her to go off and do her own thing as she hasn't really spent much time with your dd'

This. As a parent, I'd want to know. Her parents may have no idea where the hell she is. As it is, she'd never be back in my house again. I'd drop her off at the station and tell her a rude CF she is.

2rebecca · 27/01/2018 21:52

The daughter had planned an itinerary so this wasn't agreed beforehand

Lj8893 · 27/01/2018 21:54

I'd be ringing her parents and asking if they knew this was the plan!

Your dd might be shrugging it off but I remember being 15 and I bet she's hurting, my heart is aching for her

BlueMirror · 27/01/2018 21:54

Fantastic typo Jdabbers but I'd be more worried that a boy is being loved 😂

NataliaOsipova · 27/01/2018 21:55

I'm taking her to the station tomorrow lunch time.

Let her get a taxi. Seriously.

ADishBestEatenCold · 27/01/2018 21:56

"The reality is that teenagers go out without close supervision though."

Really? If DC had travelled a distance to stay with a friend for a weekend, I would expect (certainly at 15) them to be with that friend ... and would expect the friend's parent to say something if my DC had bailed out on them.

"So I let her go, just like I do with my own teens."

I don't think it's the same thing at all, though.

Brighteyes27 · 27/01/2018 22:02

I would phone the parents to check they are ok/aware of the situation with regards to their DD being out with at x and that you and your DD haven’t seen much of her etc.
Just incase anything goes wrong also it sets the scene incase the CF wants to come again and use your house and DD again.
Just you and DD play it cool tomorrow, get rid and don’t offer hospitality again.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/01/2018 22:03

If your dd really is being philosophical, and I hope she is, that shows a lot of emotional intelligence.

Ellie56 · 27/01/2018 22:04

So do you actually know who this girl is out with all the time?

Do you know for certain she is not out with some unsavoury character who has groomed her over the internet?

HotelEuphoria · 27/01/2018 22:05

I woukdnt have let get yo either without calling her mum. I would feel responsibility for her welfare from the moment she arrived to the moment I waved her off on the train.

Did the mother not call you before this happened? So rude to just assume and accept her DDs word that she can stay at your home for three days without asking you directly?

The girl and her mother sound like CFs.

JaneEyre70 · 27/01/2018 22:08

I think that I'd at least check with her parents that they are OK with her going off like she has been. She literally could be meeting anyone, and if something happens to her, she's technically your responsbility.
I'd ring her mum and say "I'm just checking that the plan was for her to just sleep here but literally spend the rest of the weekend with others, as we are all a little concerned and thought she was spending time with us". That way you're double checking that they know what she's up to, and that you're not happy about it.

LouHotel · 27/01/2018 22:14

Why are you not telling her parents?

Greensleeves · 27/01/2018 22:18

Have a chat with your dd and say that you are worried that this out-of-the-ordinary behaviour may mean that her friend is being groomed or is meeting someone she met online, and you are going to contact her parents about it, as they may wish to look at her phone/laptop etc. It could all be very, very serious.

If they cooked this up together to give the friend a base to visit her boyfriend from, your dd should sing like a canary

Original poster

Singingtherapy · 27/01/2018 22:19

I really have no relationship with the parents, as sometimes is the case with secondary school friends. I just want her gone and for this weekend to be over. I'm confident as I can be that she's with girl friends. She had lots of friends from her old school.

OP posts:

Jdabbers · 27/01/2018 22:19

@BlueMirror Haha that was a funny one!!

If he was unloved there wouldn't be an issue.

I meant involved (still laughing!)

mumpoints · 27/01/2018 22:19

What happens if she goes out and doesn't come back? She's in your care as a minor. I'd be furious with her.

GreenTulips · 27/01/2018 22:23

What if she's out drinking? What if there's an issue and you need to contact her parents?

Why would you have another child without any emergency contact numbers?

Do the parents even know she's with you?

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