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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not ask if DSD can go to the party.

299 replies

Placeboooooooo · 27/01/2018 18:01

DSD (7) comes to us every weekend and 75% of school holidays.

This weekend DD (4) has a school friend’s party. I mentioned this to OH 2 weeks ago, anyway he’s asked me tonight if I can ask if DSD can go.

I feel a bit cheeky really. I’ve had to ask before, some people are okay about it and other people have just flatly said no, which I understand completely.

OH has some sheep as a hobby and tomorrow he was going to get them and in and worm them which is a job I’ve managed to do with DD many times and DSD would probably love helping as she’s very enthusiastic about most things but he’s saying he can’t manage and that if DSD can’t go then myself and DD can’t go either.

I feel it’s a bit shit of him really, DSD doesnt have to miss out on her friends parties etc and I’m not saying that she should but then neither should DD.

He’s been out working all day today and only got in about half an hour ago. Surely tomorrow would be nice for himself and DSD to have some one on one time together.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Whatshallidonowpeople · 28/01/2018 22:42

I've had people ask if they could bring siblings to parties, it's fine, just ask but you need to deal with him saying the child and you (Not yourself btw) can't go.

SandyY2K · 28/01/2018 22:43

I hope you played down the broken locket.

Nonsense. Why play it down when it was out and out destructive.

FrancisCrawford · 28/01/2018 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ellisandra · 28/01/2018 22:43

I read this thinking, you really don't like your stepdaughter.

(I'm a stepmother: I'm not on a default stepmother bash!)

But it seemed to be there in your posts. The snide sounding comment about her doing more activities that yours will ever get to do. The shitty comment about her tantrum over not getting a party bag - you said it had been a couple of years since you asked to take her - so if that means a 5yo got upset at being the only one at a party without the expected party bag, then, meh - not the crime of the century.

Then I got to the later posts where you explain that she's hurt your daughter in the past, so I'm sure I was right that you didn't like her. Im not even going to criticise you for not liking her given what your daughter has received from her... but, if it was seeping through your words to me on here, just how obvious do you think it is to her?

As you say, hardly your finest moment calling her the monster your husband has created.

A shame given that you didn't like his parenting and the situation with her, that you didn't hold off on bringing another child into the mix.

I don't blame you for being angry about your daughter.
I don't blame you for leaving.

But I know who's getting most of my sympathy reading this, and it's the 7yo who is being fucked Up by shit parenting, not helped by a stepmother who I am sure she is well aware does not like her.

As to a PP dismissing hormones in a 7yo girl. Ha! I'm not going to excuse bad behaviour with hormones. But it's real. When mine was 7 (to be fair, more late 7 early 8) she would sometimes cry and say "but I don't know why I'm feeling sad" and sometimes get uncharacteristic rages for a week or so, then fine. All the other Y3 mums confirmed they were seeing similar. There are hormones with come in before the onset of visual puberty.

Tistheseason17 · 28/01/2018 22:44

The issue is the DH.
If he got his act together there would not be problems with DSD and she'd have a good relationship with OP's DD.
Focus on the real problem.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 28/01/2018 22:46

To be fair played it down to dd. Dsd deserved a consequence for what she did. I'm just surprised at how people are not suggesting to make any effort with trying to get to the bottom of what the issue may be!

Adults with mh problems get so much support. A 7 year old acting out is just considered naughty???!

I don't think her actions are acceptable. However it takes a quick read to see she has some pretty questionable parenting. That's mum and dad. Not op.

FrancisCrawford · 28/01/2018 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 28/01/2018 22:51

It is a Big deal. A very big deal.
Hmm
Read my post. I clarified.

FrancisCrawford · 28/01/2018 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

caboosie · 28/01/2018 22:58

It sounds like the OP has made a massive effort with her stepdaughter more so than the parents taking her to parties and trying to include her but why should she do this at the expense of her own daughter I have not read anything that sounds snide, the little girl may has issues which are not her fault but why does that make her behaviour ok? Yes she is 7 but she needs to learn actions have conciquences and that you cannot take your anger out on others especially those who are small and vulnerable such as ops little girl and her parents do need a reality check on what there indulgence has caused

ChasedByBees · 28/01/2018 23:06

That’s so sad that your DD feels her grandad won’t be with her anymore. I hope you were able to reassure her and find a replacement or fix the locket. Flowers

Butterymuffin · 28/01/2018 23:08

Ellisandra you have presumably had plenty of practice as a stepmum in absolving the dad in the scenario of any blame or responsibility. Because that's glaring in its absence from your post. Not a word about the dad's shitty parenting.

splatattack · 28/01/2018 23:10

Periods starting at 7?? I don't think so...🤔

Marriedwithchildren5 · 28/01/2018 23:10

the little girl may has issues which are not her fault but why does that make her behaviour ok?

I don't think I can even find the words to reply! She has issues the aren't her fault (your words) At 7 she should keep them in check?? Is that right?

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/01/2018 23:11

OP I’m so terribly sorry. It’s a step parent’s worst nightmare and you and your DD have been so let down by your DH.

What do you want/think will happen now? Do you think DH has been given the short sharp shock he needs or is he making excuses?

Hope your mum’s looking after you both tonight.

Ellisandra · 28/01/2018 23:16

@Butterymuffin WTF?
Absolving the dad?

What part of "fucked up by shit parenting" does not include (primarily, in fact) their father?

I immediately followed that by "not helped by... stepmother..." - separating her far lesser input (but still present) to this mess.

Of course this girl's father bears most responsibility (at least compared to the OP, to the girl's mother I don't know).

But it's the OP posting, so no - I'm not focusing my comments on the father, beyond actually blaming him for fucking up parenting.

Ellisandra · 28/01/2018 23:17

So, fuck off with shite.

Butterymuffin · 28/01/2018 23:22

@Ellisandra you fuck off back to your 'blame the person who's not the child's parent for poor parenting' shite. No mention of either of them in your post, only 'parenting' in the abstract. Meanwhile you bang on about how OP's child should have got over not having a party bag. Pathetic.

caboosie · 28/01/2018 23:24

What are you talking about?
I said that it does not excuse her behaviour which it doesn't just because we can understand why she is acting this way does not make it ok,

holdonasecondwaitwhatno · 28/01/2018 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ellisandra · 28/01/2018 23:34

@Butterymuffin I don't consider the word "parenting" to be abstract at all. Parenting refers pretty specifically to the child's, you know - PARENTS Hmm

So don't be so fucking rude!

I haven't said a single word about thinking the OP's child should get over not having a party bag. Did you actually read my post or were you just triggered a massive chip on your shoulder about something into rant mode? Hmm

Ellisandra · 28/01/2018 23:38

@Butterymuffin if you struggle to keep up with the party bag comment that was:

  • about the other child than you stated
  • and sympathetic, suggesting the opposite to getting over it

then you might want to re-read the OP at 18:19 more carefully. HTH.

Ginger1982 · 28/01/2018 23:42

Holdonasecond that's really harsh. OP is protecting her own daughter. What a horrible thing to say about social services.

notapizzaeater · 28/01/2018 23:56

Did DSD have any remorse ? Has she been punished .?

ohfourfoxache · 29/01/2018 00:58

Holy fucking shit, your poor dd Sad

Your priority now is your dd. Dsd may be a child but you cannot be responsible for her instead of your dd, despite her obvious problems.

Personally I think I’d be splitting up with your “d”h and ensuring that dd isn’t exposed to dsd for some considerable time. Or, if you stay together, then he arranges contact with dsd out of the house. She cannot be trusted not to hurt your dd, either physically or by destroying her belongings. Your dd should not be exposed to this, she needs to feel, and actually be, safe

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