To not ask if DSD can go to the party.

[Placeboooooooo]

DSD (7) comes to us every weekend and 75% of school holidays.

This weekend DD (4) has a school friend’s party. I mentioned this to OH 2 weeks ago, anyway he’s asked me tonight if I can ask if DSD can go.

I feel a bit cheeky really. I’ve had to ask before, some people are okay about it and other people have just flatly said no, which I understand completely.

OH has some sheep as a hobby and tomorrow he was going to get them and in and worm them which is a job I’ve managed to do with DD many times and DSD would probably love helping as she’s very enthusiastic about most things but he’s saying he can’t manage and that if DSD can’t go then myself and DD can’t go either.

I feel it’s a bit shit of him really, DSD doesnt have to miss out on her friends parties etc and I’m not saying that she should but then neither should DD.

He’s been out working all day today and only got in about half an hour ago. Surely tomorrow would be nice for himself and DSD to have some one on one time together.

AIBU?

Not sure I would go to the extreme of completely limiting all contact between DS and DSD but I would have DSD sleep in the lounge room until I saw a marked improvement in behaviour.
If you decide to go back home with DD you need some serious discussion and commitment from DH about how you will manage things going forward. Obviously, hormones or not, DSD’s behaviour is extreme and must be addressed. Your DH needs to acknowledge that his guilt about her being from a ‘broken home’ is affecting his parenting. Is DSD’s mother usually so useless with regards to bad behaviour?

OP I thought I remembered your name somewhere... If you’re pregnant with DC2 that kind of complicates things doesn’t it

I wouldn't have DSD back in the house. If your H wants to see her he can book into a hotel. Keep her away from your DD.

She's out of control and without remorse, this is a dangerous combination. Her mother should be ashamed of herself for creating this and to still defend her is just wicked. As or your husband - words fail me.

DSD needs proper help from professionals.

Just read the thread. Your OH and his ex really need to get help in dealing with their DD before she is allowed anywhere near your DD again. She is really going to hurt her badly if she cannot be helped to control her temper. Your poor DD. This is really horrible for her.

Ellis there’s a lot you don’t know and don’t understand!

I suppose you’re a model step mother then?

Really sorry this planned out like this OP.

You have two options here, leaving your DH, or working towards a long term solution where everyone is safe, emotionally and physically.

Bad though her behaviour is, I don’t think demonising your DSD and using her as a fulcrum between you and DH will help the way forwards.

The 7 year old is only 7. Emotionally that is very very young. It seems that at 3 she saw her beloved Daddy have a new baby and live with that baby full time. In his hand wringing guilt, your DH has actually made her insecurity worse by acting as if she has something to feel insecure about! She will sense his ‘compensatory ‘ favouritism and panic because it verifies her suspicion that she has something she needs compensation for!

You will have to work together. She is your DSD, she needs love and support just as your Dd does.

Would your DH agree to some couples / parenting counselling or family therapy?

Something needs to happen to break the trajectory you are all in which will polarise all your roles: DH being Disney Dad, DSD as Golden Child, Dd as Cinderella and you as Wicked Stepmother.

It depends what you want, long term. And how far your DH will accept that there is a problem for you both to work on as the adults, parents and grown ups in this family.

And for what it’s worth, I don’t agree that DSD shouldn’t be allowed back to the house. I always made a point of telling her that it was her home too, you know, being the shit step mother I am and everything .....

OP please don't bite to those who don't understand or who are trying to belittle you. You are doing a great job but the problem you need consistency from you DH. I have an DSS 8 and a DD8. We have DSS 50% and it's just normal business. We've made it clear we do family things together but we had to have long chats explain we can't "save" everything for when he is here. He understands he gets things his sister doesn't get when he's at is mums etc. Explaining that he got far far FAR more Christmas presents was difficult. I think it's something that requires constant work and reassurance from all parents. Your DH needs to take a step back and realise he has 2 children and accept that there is a difference as one lives full time with him. It's not his fault. My DH needs reminding all the time that his DS is not suffering if anything he has more opportunities than our DD. We also make sure he has quality alone time after my DD goes to bed. Good luck it sounds you have a confused DSS that's been allowed to test boundaries and win. She just need reigning in and reassured.

Sorry DD1

Well done OP for leaving. Let your DH have time and opportunity to sort this out.

I’m so sorry you’re all going through this

OP, it is absolutely understandable that you snapped and removed yourself from this situation with your daughter.

Your husband is the one that needs to take a long, hard look at himself and implement some changes.

Although at this point the damage he has done to both girls will probably be with them for a lifetime :(

You did the right thing.

holdonasecond You say you hope someone will report OPs child to SS for the bruises. Do you know what will happen in that instance? I will tell you as i am a social worker. They will listen to what OP has to say then they will advise her OH and his ex to control their DD better. OP will not be at any fault at all. Why would she be? OP is protecting her child as she should be.

Feel free to shout me down - but is there any merit in the taking this to social services yourself? Or maybe the GP if you don't want to go that far? I suppose it depends on what ultimate outcome you want....but if the split is permanent and you don't want your DD left with DSD because you feel she's a risk to her, then having a proper record of this incident could be to your advantage when dictating the circumstances under which your DD can be there. It would also prevent your DH (and his ex) from sweeping this under the carpet as being "just kids".

OP, are you still at your mum’s?

Has your useless “D” husband even asked about his child and pregnant wife???

Honestly, it might be time to look at getting your ducks in a row.

You have 100% been the mother your child needs. She deserves more than to be around a shit father and troubled sister. And you deserve more, too.

I agree with Natalia, If you permanently split he cant be trusted to have contact with dsd and dd together, You need to get it logged somewere, Particularly as dsds parents have no intention of sorting out her behaviour.

@Placebooooo - why do people think the pathetic "I suppose you're a model stepmother then" jibe is in any way useful or relevant?

I do my best - but I have a different situation, grown up stepsons where my role is far more to just make sure I don't take all of their dad's time or over step boundaries, because I'm not their mother and I've come into their lives too late to have a role like a mother in any way. I'm just their dad's fiancé and it's not complicated at all.

But even if I were the shittest stepmother in the word - wouldn't mean that you were any better

I have posted that I understand your actions in leaving, and don't blame you for it.

But I also posted that even before you described the current and previous attacks on your daughter, you don't sound as if you like her much.

Because - you really don't sound like you do. And if that's the case, I'm sure she's picked up on that.

Ellisandra being the girlfriend of adult men’s dad really means jackshit when it comes to step-parenting so it was completely unnecessary to mention it, and is irrelevant.

Since you’re the only poster on the entire thread to see hatred seeping from OP’s posts, maybe you’re just looking for something that’s not there. Maybe you get your kicks from being contentious on the Internet. Some people really are that sad. Possibly not you, though...who knows? :)

Ellisandra its actually a completely different situation being a stepmum who is there from when they are young children to being a step mum of adults so really for yol

Ellis do shut up. I wouldn't like a child that harmed mine - it doesn't mean I would never have liked her. It doesn't sound that way to me at all.

Sorry posted too soon, so yes ellisandra completely different situtation of you being a stepmother, So I can see why you cant empathize with op.
You cant blame the fact that she doesn ike the kid on the reasn for her behaviour, Her behaviour is because her mum and Dad are shit parents.

Well I’ve tried my best. There was a time where myself and DSD were close. As I’ve said, I’ve tried to love her and as far as I’m concerned DSD & DD have been treated equally by myself and my own family. I always referred to them as my children, never called them half sisters or step sisters and my mum refers to them both as ‘my grandaughters’.

I’ve actually been accused of spoiling her in the past. I bought all of her clothes, shoes and presents for when she was here. I’ve actually tried to get on with her DM, I don’t think she’s a terrible parent. I think that they both need to re-evaluate their parenting methods and to instead see how they can help DSD at such a late stage, perhaps the damage is already done, perhaps some of it can be out right.

On her good days DSD is a delight, she wouldn’t be normal if she didn’t have her wobbles here and there but her anger is like nothing I’ve ever seen from an adult, never mind a child.

Just last week OH (who is under a lot of financial stress) was talking about docking DSD’s CM by £10 per week. I completely disagreed, at the moment, the relationship that OH & DSD’s DM have is a fairly good one and I think that with all of the other problems DSD is facing at the moment, her parents falling out because of the amount being decreased is only going to add to the anger she’s already feeling. I even offered to contribute the £10 per week if it helped him which he declined.

He’s been in touch and asked to take DD to school this morning. His sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer last week and his business is under threat (due to no fault of his own) don’t want to be outed so that’s all I’m going to say. I’m still going to stay at my mums for the foreseeable.

Did you let him take her to school?

His circumstances while sad don’t actually have any bearing on this.

He doesn’t care that his little girl was hurt and upset, he doesn’t care that you’ve been forced to leave your home.

(I’m assuming you would post if he has said/done anything to prove otherwise)

He’s not a victim, OP, hard as things are right now. He doesn’t deserve or warrant your sympathy in this.

Ellis hahaha you had experience of GROWN UP step children and you think you have the right to come on here and berate me about the difficulties I’m experiencing!

I do not think. Get down off your high horse!

What is your DD saying this morning?

If you can't face telling social services (as my post above), do you think you should at least tell the school what has happened? If she has visible marks and bruises they will probably be obliged to ask in any case. I just wonder if some external intervention might be for the best - even if just in terms of giving your DH a massive wake up call that he needs to do something about this for your DD's sake.