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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not ask if DSD can go to the party.

299 replies

Placeboooooooo · 27/01/2018 18:01

DSD (7) comes to us every weekend and 75% of school holidays.

This weekend DD (4) has a school friend’s party. I mentioned this to OH 2 weeks ago, anyway he’s asked me tonight if I can ask if DSD can go.

I feel a bit cheeky really. I’ve had to ask before, some people are okay about it and other people have just flatly said no, which I understand completely.

OH has some sheep as a hobby and tomorrow he was going to get them and in and worm them which is a job I’ve managed to do with DD many times and DSD would probably love helping as she’s very enthusiastic about most things but he’s saying he can’t manage and that if DSD can’t go then myself and DD can’t go either.

I feel it’s a bit shit of him really, DSD doesnt have to miss out on her friends parties etc and I’m not saying that she should but then neither should DD.

He’s been out working all day today and only got in about half an hour ago. Surely tomorrow would be nice for himself and DSD to have some one on one time together.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MadMags · 28/01/2018 19:37

Does your DH not care at all about his little one’s upset??

Lovely456 · 28/01/2018 19:39

Your poor dd, Is your dh actually upset about this on your dds behalf?

Newtothis2017 · 28/01/2018 19:50

Your dsd is a bully. Good on you protecting your dd by leaving. You wouldn't let any other child treat your dd Like this so don't let your dsd. Sibling bullying is a real and a big problem. This goes beyond sibling rivalry. Hope you and your dd are ok💐

NotReadyToMove · 28/01/2018 19:54

So what did your DH say about it and what editors she say to his dd??

I hope the locket can be repaired in some ways :(:( I know Dc1 at that age would have been heart broken if something like this had happened.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/01/2018 20:14

Who is cleaning up the room? Who is paying to fix the locket? Who is replacing the things?

Because as well as immediate consequences for actions, doing those things makes children feel better. DD is used to this at 7 and will 'fix' things she does wrong. "How can we make this better?" is a common refrain in this house. It reduces blame, guilt, fear etc.

I know DSD is wrong here but excluding her from her house is punishing the wrong person. She needs consequences but DH needs a LOT more consequences.

Fuckyrhobnobs · 28/01/2018 20:21

Dear God. What appalling behaviour. She needs seriously punished. Can the locket be fixed? Your poor DD. I would leave over this tbh, if only to give DD a safe home of her own. This is your dh's fault for being a poor father

NewSingleMummy · 28/01/2018 20:29

Your poor DD. I really hope your husband does the right thing and is able to fix her locket

Emilybrontescorsett · 28/01/2018 20:38

Your dh has enabled this behaviour.
He should have told his dsd that no she could not go to the party, that she would be spending time with him.
Instead he put the ball im your court, trying to punish you instead of being a decent parent himself.
This is not dsd'd mothers problem, it's your dh. He should parent his own child.
What exactly did he go when she slapped your dd? Quite frankly he hasn't dealt properly with that issue this is why she has reacted by trashing your dds room.
She needs punishing for that .
More pressing us your dh attitude.
He hardly sees your dd then mosns about spending time with his dsd, then to top it all instead of making up for it pisses about with sheep!

Christ plenty of people are single parents are they manage their children far, far better than this fool does.

agentdaisy · 28/01/2018 20:39

Your poor dd. Can you tell her that grandad will know that it wasn't her fault it got broken and he will not be cross or leave her? This would make one of my dds feel better about it but the other would still be worried.

StrawberryMummy90 · 28/01/2018 20:49

My hearts breaking for your DD op. The poor girl.

First of all well done for leaving you did the right thing. Secondly do NOT let this all blow over, I would not be stepping foot back in the house until DH admits there’s a major problem, lays out a plan how to resolve it and shows that DSD has been given punishments for what’s happened and also has cleaned DD’s room, paid out of pocket money what is broken, will apologise to DD etc. That is bare minimum you should expect.

Also you should make it clear to your ‘D’H that the favouritism stops now. If you get a whiff of it again you’ll be gone and he’ll have another DD from a ‘broken home’ perhaps then he’ll actually start giving her the attention she deserves!

StrawberryMummy90 · 28/01/2018 20:52

Also please don’t ever leave your DSD and DD unsupervised until you are absolutely sure that she can be trusted around her, even if that takes years.

cunningartificer · 28/01/2018 20:52

Removing DD from the family house may not be the way forward as it may make dsd feel that she has “won”. I think that you should return and talk this through with dh.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/01/2018 21:05

Your partner is the problem here, he has to be a parent to his child. Your poor dd, bless her. Your dsd is being brought up without any boundaries and discipline, she wraps him round her little finger.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/01/2018 21:07

Why the hell does her mother think a 7 year old will be starting her periods soon, unless she has precocious periods, that's just an excuse.

caboosie · 28/01/2018 21:13

Your DD will remember that you stood up for her, I hope she is ok and that her special locket can be fixed can you reassure her that her grandpa will know its not fault and will always be with her.
I hope your husband will learn from this he is creating 2 very unhappy little girls I wishing you all the best XX

BewareOfDragons · 28/01/2018 21:42

DSD's mother is full of shit. She's not hormonal and about to start her periods. She's 7.

Your husband is failing both of his children, and you have an obligation to protect your daughter. If he can't or won't protect her and parent his older child properly, then you and your daughter cannot stay here.

NataliaOsipova · 28/01/2018 21:54

Your child’s safety and mental health come first. The poor little thing must be terrified.

I absolutely agree. And your DH has no say in this point. You must protect your daughter.

Idontdowindows · 28/01/2018 21:57

What a horrible situation for everyone involved. I've read the whole thread and I feel sorry for both little girls. Your lovely daughter for not having her father's equally divided attention and your DSD for being so hurt by what is going on that all she can do is lash out.

I am pointing the finger of blame squarely at your husband I'm afraid. He has two daughters and has elevated one to a status that she cannot, at her young age, reasonably understand or deal with and has left his other to flounder in this situation.

I hope you all find a way to go forward, together or separately, but at least, hopefully, a way that will be good to all.

SandyY2K · 28/01/2018 21:59

Can you fix it her a replacement locket...with another photo of your grandad in it?

That's such a nasty thing your DSD did.

FrancisCrawford · 28/01/2018 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 28/01/2018 22:29

I hope you played down the broken locket. It doesn't need to be a huge deal. Siblings can be horrid to each other. If you believe dsd has issues then your dh needs to put his efforts into helping her.

I'm shocked at the anger aimed at a 7 year old! Protect your daughter and help support dsd. You can do both.

FrancisCrawford · 28/01/2018 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RavenWings · 28/01/2018 22:38

I hope you played down the broken locket. It doesn't need to be a huge deal. Siblings can be horrid to each other.

What, smashing up her sisters possessions should get swept under the carpet? I don't think so. What sort of message does that send to dd?

Dsd does not have the right to maliciously wreck dds stuff, and the sooner she realises that the better.

Lovely456 · 28/01/2018 22:40

Really marriedwith5children, the locket scenario is really malicious, It shouldnt be downplayed as its letting her get away with it. She needs to understand the consequences of her actions, If you dont make a child understand the consequences of their actions they will never learn and the cyle repeats itself. Its part of learning how to behave.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/01/2018 22:41

No, op main priority is supporting her dd, the dsd has two parents, her dad and mum, who should be there for her, and should be helping her through this behaviour. This locket was priceless to dd, to play it down, would be to totally ignore and play down her dd feelings. What stupid suggestions on here by some people. Op you have done the right thing.