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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not ask if DSD can go to the party.

299 replies

Placeboooooooo · 27/01/2018 18:01

DSD (7) comes to us every weekend and 75% of school holidays.

This weekend DD (4) has a school friend’s party. I mentioned this to OH 2 weeks ago, anyway he’s asked me tonight if I can ask if DSD can go.

I feel a bit cheeky really. I’ve had to ask before, some people are okay about it and other people have just flatly said no, which I understand completely.

OH has some sheep as a hobby and tomorrow he was going to get them and in and worm them which is a job I’ve managed to do with DD many times and DSD would probably love helping as she’s very enthusiastic about most things but he’s saying he can’t manage and that if DSD can’t go then myself and DD can’t go either.

I feel it’s a bit shit of him really, DSD doesnt have to miss out on her friends parties etc and I’m not saying that she should but then neither should DD.

He’s been out working all day today and only got in about half an hour ago. Surely tomorrow would be nice for himself and DSD to have some one on one time together.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Partypopper123 · 28/01/2018 18:23

I missed the part about the face slapping... I really hope your DH steps up to properly address this violent & rampage in the bedroom.

FrancisCrawford · 28/01/2018 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenTulips · 28/01/2018 18:30

If MTV child had caused damage to another property (so what if it's dads house!) I'd want to know!!

I doubt she's any different at her mothers house - kids don't hide who they are

rothbury · 28/01/2018 18:31

I agree with Francis. I think at this point you have to leave to protect your daughter. Your DH is obviously not going to do it.

It's your job ( and his, but he's made it clear he isn't capable) to make sure DD is in a safe and loving environment. Not one where she gets hit so hard she is bruised and someone is routinely trashing her room and destroying her things.

I would be off.

MycatsaPirate · 28/01/2018 18:32

WTF? Ok this has moved on from the party and is now DSD slapping your 4 yo and destroying her room?

How is this being dealt with? Is her mum being informed? (and will she be supportive of you and your DH?)

I'd be utterly fuming and there needs to be some consequences for DSD or she will learn that she can just kick off/slap DD/destroy stuff and get her own way.

Bloody hell.

Lovely456 · 28/01/2018 18:33

Totally agree with everything franciscrawford said and with greentulips, her Mum definitely needs to know.

gamerchick · 28/01/2018 18:35

Your poor daughter, she’s only little and been punished for having fun. Sad I can’t quite grasp the words I want to say but it would be along the lines of ‘sort your kid out or you can fuck off’. She’s obviously an angry kid and it needs nipping in the bud now.

HappyLollipop · 28/01/2018 18:41

Your DH needs to start parenting his own child for once, he's let her get away with this spoilt and vile behaviour for too long it's got to stop. I'm sure it comes from some sort of misplaced guilt about her not having a nuclear family but it's time he gets a reality check that loads of children come from blended families and lone parent households she's damn lucky she's still got her dad in her life many don't have that pleasure.

agentdaisy · 28/01/2018 18:55

He needs to realise that he can't treat dsd better than dd. By the sounds of it he sees them both for the same amount of time despite dsd not living with you full time. My dh had a habit of not telling dsc off at all when with us when he'd have told our dc off for the same behaviour. Thankfully he quickly saw that this was turning dsc into a spoiled brat with appalling behaviour (eg taking dd's toy and teasing her, hitting etc). If he hadn't have changed and started treating them the same I'd have left him and almost did.

Your dsd needs to learn that she can't hit your dd ever, never mind hard enough to leave bruises. She also needs to 'pay' for replacement toys for your dd by getting no pocket money or less spent for her birthday. I've done this with my ds when he deliberately broke something of dd's, I made him come to the shop and buy a replacement out of his pocket money.

I'd be asking him if they were full siblings would he let one hit the other hard enough to leave bruises, break their toys and destroy their bedroom? If the answer is no, which it should be, then he needs to realise that he can't go on favouring one over the other.

I'd absolutely give an ultimatum that dsd needs to be properly punished, not just let away with this behaviour, and he needs to start treating them equally or he'll have two children from 'broken homes'. I'd be totally prepared to carry it out and leave him to protect my child. There are plenty of posts from adults on mn who grew up with siblings that were favoured over them and have been effected in adulthood.

Original poster
Placeboooooooo · 28/01/2018 18:56

Oh I’ve told him. I’ve left and am now at my mum’s house. She’s damaged a locket that my grandad bought DD before he died, it had a picture of him and DD in it and she’s managed to get the photos out and she’s ripped the locket off the chain.

She’s pinched DD in the nose and made it bleed before and she has scars on her hand from where she’s dug her nails in (over a year ago).

She’s perfectly pleasant when she gets her own way and I’ve been saying for years (even before DD was born) that OH pandering to her was going to turn her into a brat.

I’ve said that I no longer want them sharing a room together and seeing as though we’re in a two bed house that’s not possible.

He’s saying that stopping DSD coming round will only make her problems worse.

I told her what I thought of her before I left but it’s been a long time coming and I try to love her but I struggle to even like her sometimes.

OH rang her mum and spoke to her and DSD. Her mum made the excuse that she’s going through a lot of hormonal changes and thinks she won’t be far off starting her periods. The thing is this isn’t really a recent thing. She’s been a diva from the word go thanks to her parents!

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 28/01/2018 18:56

I'm so sorry to hear about this, clearly your DSD has real issues with jealousy towards your DD, and needs serious help to deal with this. Her dad hasn't helped by pandering to her, he's ended up creating a monster.

I have 2 DDs aged 8 and 5, adopted yet birth sisters. DD1 gets jealous of DD2 and lashes out, but that doesn't mean we give in to her. She gets upset when DD2 goes to a friend's house or to a party, but she gets over it. That's what your OH should be doing.

puglife15 · 28/01/2018 19:01

Wtaf?

I'd be livid.

I hope DSD was told to put the room right.

What a difficult situation for you OP. I feel for you.

puglife15 · 28/01/2018 19:08

X post - the mum sound like she's making excuses. No wonder the girl's got issues.

Her behaviour was spiteful and calculated and cruel. That's got fuck all to do with hormones. Having strops and tantrums, maybe.

At 7 her impulse control should be good enough not to hit too.

I actually feel a bit sorry for the DSD in a way, it's not her fault she's not had the boundaries she needs to feel safe and secure.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 28/01/2018 19:10

Your poor DD, I'm so glad you've stood up for her and have taken her out of what must be an awful situation for her.

SkyIsTooHigh · 28/01/2018 19:12

It's not just about punishing her, she sounds like she has major jealousy issues that need to be addressed.

All very well to label her a brat but banning her from your house or "her" room in your home is just going to make her feel more rejected and angry. She won't think "ok I'll be good then", she'll just be more angry and out of control.

meandmytinfoilhat · 28/01/2018 19:13

Your poor DD, that's terrible.

You were right to leave.

MadMags · 28/01/2018 19:14

Oh the locket thing is horrendous.

LokiBear · 28/01/2018 19:17

I wouldn't take my older dd to a party only my younger dd had been invited to. Tell your dh no. It's not s sdc/dc issue either. It's good manners not to inflict extra guests onto the hosts of a party.

agentdaisy · 28/01/2018 19:18

It's horrible that she's broken something so precious.

It doesn't matter one bit if she's 'hormonal' and I very much doubt she'll start her periods any time in the next few years. Her mum is making excuses for her behaviour.

I'd not be having her anywhere near dd tbh. Your dd is half her age and shouldn't have to be in fear of being attacked in her own home.

Siblings do get jealous of each other and fight but it's their parents job to teach then that they can't always do everything their sibling does and that they absolutely cannot hit hard enough to leave bruises and cause scars.

My dc's are no angels and have hit/kicked each other but they've never left bruises or caused nose bleeds.

You've done the right thing in getting your dd away for the night. I'd be going home tomorrow when dsd has gone home and tell your dh he needs to leave while you decide what to do. It's clear that he isn't willing to parent his eldest daughter even if it means his youngest getting hurt. Your dd needs to see that at least one of her parents is willing to protect her.

I'd also tell your dh that he won't be seeing dd if dsd is there as you can't trust him to keep dd safe from her. It's a horrible thing to do but your dd shouldn't have to fear her sister nor have to miss out on parties if her sister isn't invited too.

Lovely456 · 28/01/2018 19:19

With a Dad like him and a Mum like her your dsd has no hope.

NotReadyToMove · 28/01/2018 19:20

Wow, what has your DH done to replace all the damage and make it up to his (and yours) dd?
Did he ask the dsd to apologise to your dd for what she had done?

I think you have a very big issue on your hands there. Not just an issue with the sheep.

ChasedByBees · 28/01/2018 19:24

That’s terrible. How does your daughter feel, is she ok?

Saz1995 · 28/01/2018 19:29

How's your little one? And you? I hope that you read husband the riot act x

Original poster
Placeboooooooo · 28/01/2018 19:33

DD is confused. She doesn’t understand why her big sister would do something like that.

It’s not the toys she’s bothered about, she’s quite a sentimental child due to losing some close members of our family recently. We took DD to see my grandad in hospital the day he died at his request. We had been unsure whether to take her prior to this with her being so young but she had been asking about him all the time, they were as thick as thieves. We took her in and he gave her the locket and said to her that if she looked after it then he would always be with her. He died a few hours later. To her credit she has really treasured the locket and kept it in a jewellery box. This afternoon she sobbed and said that grandad would be cross and not with her anymore because the locket had broken.

I’m so upset for her.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 28/01/2018 19:36

This is your DH fault.
I feel sorry for your DD and DSD. The only way she gets attention from her dad is harming your DD.
He's the issue.
If he spent time with both of them and treated them the same you woul dnt have these issues. DSD clearly resents that your DD gets to spend every day with her Dad.
This does not excuse DSD behaviour but it explains it.
Family counselling may work.