To not ask if DSD can go to the party.

[Placeboooooooo]

DSD (7) comes to us every weekend and 75% of school holidays.

This weekend DD (4) has a school friend’s party. I mentioned this to OH 2 weeks ago, anyway he’s asked me tonight if I can ask if DSD can go.

I feel a bit cheeky really. I’ve had to ask before, some people are okay about it and other people have just flatly said no, which I understand completely.

OH has some sheep as a hobby and tomorrow he was going to get them and in and worm them which is a job I’ve managed to do with DD many times and DSD would probably love helping as she’s very enthusiastic about most things but he’s saying he can’t manage and that if DSD can’t go then myself and DD can’t go either.

I feel it’s a bit shit of him really, DSD doesnt have to miss out on her friends parties etc and I’m not saying that she should but then neither should DD.

He’s been out working all day today and only got in about half an hour ago. Surely tomorrow would be nice for himself and DSD to have some one on one time together.

AIBU?

Of course it's a different step-parenting situation that was the point of posting it to acknowledge that I'm not in the sand situation, and that I don't have the OP's same situation to deal with. I am acknowledging that no I'm not coming on here saying that the OP is wrong because I'm in the exact same situation and managing perfectly

And 'seeping hated' is just OTT shite. I said that when I read the first posts, I had a sense that the OP didn't like her stepdaughter much.

If that's wrong - fine, OP knows it's wrong.

If it's true, then OP can add it to her thoughts on how to handle the situation, and it might have made her think - it's true, I don't like her (maybe fairer to say - don't like her behaviour) I thought I hid it well, but if a stranger on the internet gets an inkling of it from my works, maybe this girl does too.

As I said - if OP knows she has never disliked the girl, fine. She knows, not me.

One of the reasons I felt I picked up on dislike, was about the party bags. OP said stepdaughter had a tantrum about not getting one. As she is 7 and OP said she last took her as an extra guest 2 years ago, I took that to mean OP was pissed off that a 5yo had a tantrum when everyone got a bag except her. In an environment went she'd expect a bag. Not her fault she was an unexpected guest! I thought it was quite mean to complain about the tantrum over that - and its small things like that, that gave me the impression that OP didn't much like the girl.

No I didn’t let him take her. I told him that it’s going to take more than simply dropping her off at school after I’ve got her up, got her washed, changed and fed etc.

I made it clear that the reason DSD lashed out the way she did was because of how he has been parenting her, he didn’t say anything, he was silent which usually means he knows I’m right but won’t admit it.

I also said that he has to make time for BOTH girls. I know he works hard through the week which sometimes spills into the weekend but he needs to be there. For both of them. Consistently treating them the same, due to the structure of his working week it is the only quality time he gets with both children, he obviously decided he would break away from work for 30 minutes this morning to take DD to school which I respect and am thankful for but he needs to do more at weekends.

I’m the one who feeds them, baths them, changes them into PJ’s, reads them a bedtime story and puts them to bed with a kiss and cuddle goodnight while he sits downstairs and watches TV. He misses this with both girls through the week, you’d think he’d want to do it. I actually broached this with him a month or two ago and he agreed that he should do more of the ‘routine’ with them. He struggles with his reading and I think he’s embarrassed to read them a story in case they notice that he finds it difficult.

@Ellisandra - quit while your ahead and stop derailing for goodness sake. Your situation is completely different to the OP's - have you any advice for her? No? Because that's what she is after here.

OP - i would stay at your mums for a while longer, let your husband deal with his daughter, its awful how your poor daughter has been treated by step-daughter. I would not be impressed. Good luck.

Oh, are all the rest of the people posting only those with 7yo SDs and a 4yo?

FFS.

Like I've just explained... I was acknowledging a different experience.

It's the internet. I could have just lied and told you that I knew exactly what it was like.

Bloody hell, wish I hadn't wasted my time in my posting saying I understood your action and didn't blame you.

I told her what I thought of her before I left but it’s been a long time coming and I try to love her but I struggle to even like her sometimes.

What exactly did you tell her, OP?

The truth is that I don’t like my own DD’s behaviour sometimes, didn’t mean I don’t like her.

I’d have been mortified if my own child had kicked off over a party bag at a party they weren’t invited to. I think most parents would, it wasn’t a shitty comment, it was used as an example as to why I didn’t want to ask the parents if she could come in reference to the original AIBU?

I told her that that behaviour was not acceptable under our roof, I told her to look at DD’s face and I asked her how she would feel if someone had done that to her because she’d been invited to a party and she hadn’t. I then told her to have a long, hard think about what she’d done. Tried to get her to apologise and she refused so I just left it at that.

I really think your DSD is struggling just as much as you are. I would imagine nurturing and taking more time to listen to her, do activities with her 1:1, etc., may have more effect than telling her off. I have a child who displays similar behaviour. I think it comes from anxiety. The jealousy could be a fear of being left out and feeling abandoned. Hormones in 6-7 year old girls also wreak havoc.

Could your DH try a different approach? Spend more time (not money) with her alone too?

I'm the mum to a daughter, her dad - my ex has a new partner and younger child.

I'm not completely happy about the parenting my ex does, his new partner is great but I feel he doesn't parent and leaves it all to her - and she's reluctant to discipline my daughter. My ex seems to real spoil my daughter when he does interact with her.

She comes back with plenty of stories of what the step mum has been doing with them and with very demanding and difficult behaviour. She gets to do what she wants at their house, at my house we have rules and she's expected to follow them.

It's very awkward talking to my ex about this as he sees no problems.

Ellisandra your wrote this in your opening post:
I read this thinking, you really don't like your stepdaughter.

(I'm a stepmother: I'm not on a default stepmother bash!)
AND THEN WENT ON ABOUT HOW MUCH FROM OPS POST HOW YOU HAVE DECIDED SHE DOESNT LIKE HER.

You referenced you were a stepmother, Before you went on and on about how you can tell op doesnt like her as though it gave you a view from another step mum, Except really its a completely different case , My dad died and my mum met some one else when I was grown up I wouldnt ever refer to him as my step dad because he isnt one really he didnt parent me as a child, Hes just my mums husband.

It's actually not that unusually for a 5 year old to throw a tantrum over not having a party bag, @Placeboooooooo . She wouldn't have been old enough to understand that she wasn't actually invited herself. At the age she is now, 7, that wouldn't be good behaviour as they do understand about party invitations.

It's not something to make a big issue about in the overall scheme of things tbh. (I'm speaking as someone who is coping with an 8 year old with massive anger issues.

Sibling jealousy can be so hard to cope with. It's very different with older stepchildren, @Ellisandra . My DSis married a man with a 10 year old DS and he was 12 when she had her own DD, she now has 2 younger DSs. It was a very different situation. He has helped at times with the younger children though he did compete for his dad's attention sometimes. But older children/young people are old enough to understand and are looking to be more independent anyway.

paranoid it sounds very similar to our set up. Obviously I know that DSD’s behaviour is a product of her environment but in my opinion, she still needed to know that the bruises on DD’s face were caused by her actions. ‘Just talking’ won’t cut it I’m afraid. I’ve always been very reluctant to discipline her but yesterday something had to be said.

My mouth literally dropped open when I read that Dsd had slapped 4yo across the face and bruised her. Then totally trashed her room and broke her precious possessions.
Something really needs to be done here to protect your Dd. She is bearing the brunt of whatever has made Dsd so bloody nasty. Poor little thing is innocent here. Main priority would be to protect her at all cost.
I would punish Dsd by saying that she could not come at weekends for at least a month and any repeat behaviour it would be two months etc. until she starts to behave.
Your Dh will have to make other arrangements to see her over this time.
If he insists that she comes to your house, I would move out to your Mothers with your Dd every weekend.
Something needs to be done to show the massive disapproval to Dsd, her behaviour is disgusting.

I'm lucky in that my daughter gets on very well with her step sibling. I would be very upset if I'd heard she'd hurt another child. Hormones are not a viable excuse at school for bad behaviour.

At 7, there needs to be consequences. She needs to know it's not acceptable.

From memory, there IS a hormone surge about 7, but as the OP says the DSD has always been like this.

I think you and your family need to reconsider the level of contact, every weekend and 75% of school holidays with this level of favoritism? not a good scenario for the 4yo.

Sounds like DSD gets it all her own way all the time and the minute the word no is said, she rants and raves.

Thats one thing, but hitting a little girl so hard she's bruised? that is utterly beyond the realms of normal sibling rivalry.

I think DSD needs to stay at her mothers next weekend, and I think she needs telling that when she slaps a 4yo child, trashes her bedroom and breaks her things in the room she shares, its unacceptable.

Discipline needs to come from you too OP. the times of leaving it to the others are long gone now, they are fucking useless.

I think DSD needs to stay at her mothers next weekend

But that lets her dad off the hook completely. Far better that she comes, but OP has taken DD away to do something lovely, while the OP's DH spends the time with DSD. No fun or treats, but calmly explaining why her actions have caused so much distress and that he can't allow DD to be hurt and upset by her.

Honky I appreciate your input, I can also see where you’re coming from and I too don’t feel it’s safe at present to leave DD & DSD together BUT I had always made it very clear that our home is DSD’s home too. I think to ‘ban’ her from coming to her dads only means that she will feel more isolated and confused. I don’t feel excluding her will help at all.

The only way through this is for us to work on it as a family, OH’s attitude needs to change, I don’t know about her DM and her parenting but to be honest I think she’ll probably out OH to shame on that score. If this can’t happen then there’s no future for us and he will have to arrange contact time differently with DC’s as I will not be happy with DSD & DD bing together without myself present until steps have been made to deal with her aggressive outbursts.

Hi all,
We have had this thread reported to us quite a few times as it has become rather heated on occasion. MN is a place of peer support, and while we know that support can take many forms, can we just remind everyone that if it turns into a bunfight we're going to be inclined to take the thread down altogether.

My 2 DC have a stepmother and I admit that usually I would be the first to suspect anti-DSC feeling, but it truly sounds like you have tried your best and are facing a pretty hard situation.

The 7yo’s behaviour is shocking, and of course you need to protect your DD. Your DH really needs to step up.

I think it has calmed down a bit to be fair MN.

I finally caught up with all the thread and I see your in such a hard position. But you realise it's your OH that needs to change and that's a good step forward.
He needs to understand he caused this problem but you need to fix it as a couple. He needs to treat both daughters the same and they're needs to be consequences for tantrums. Honestly it may take months of tantrums before your DSD understands things are changing.
If he is in this mindset that DSD comes first because of a broken home and you will not let this continue and he doesn't change you will end up separating. And how will he cope when both his daughters are from broken homes. He will have to treat them equally then and finally be doing what you wanted to happen. But he could end up alone before that happens.
Maybe when DSD goes back to her mum and your mum could babysit for you so OH and you can sit down and discuss exactly what the problems are and how you are going to fix them.
Once you start implementing these changes you may need to speak to DSDs Mum so she is aware that something is being done and DSD may moan to her about it.

Sorry if that's a lot of jumbled statements, I'm typing while being climbed on and struggle to get all the right words out.

Handsful that makes perfect sense to me. And yes, I will be speaking to DSD’s DM also so that she is aware.

We’ll just have to see where we get from here. I don’t think he’ll change. He knows I’m right but it’s been second nature to him for so long now and I think he’ll struggle.

only means that she will feel more isolated and confused

Op you have never mentioned her feeling isolated and confused so I am confused now.
I think this is an excuse that you have made for her behaviour when you have already made it very clear that she is spoiled and favoured by her Df and has a huge sense of entitlement.
Everyone seems to be trying to excuse her behaviour, Dm blamed hormones,
you are now saying she's isolated and confused, when in reality she gets 100% attention from her Dm in the week and then arrives at yours to be favoured by you Dh.
Spoilt comes more to mind.

I think you need outside help to ensure any changes made are the right ones. If your OH's changes are just to put DSD "in her place" more and show less favouritism, as you see it, then that could just fuel the fire of DD7 who might be feeling very angry, jealous, rejected, worthless and have low self esteem. Maybe she feels like no one wants her if her mum only has her schooldays and a little bit of the hols, and neither of you were fighting to keep her at the weekend! Children who feel insecure sometimes do act out to test if you love them. I'm not trying to diagnose whether this is the case over the internet or pick out any particular adult as the one at fault, but I do think you need to entertain this as a possibility and get some proper help, either via GP or school. There is absolutely no point instigating changes unless they are the right ones that work towards everyone feeling secure and safe.