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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not ask if DSD can go to the party.

299 replies

Placeboooooooo · 27/01/2018 18:01

DSD (7) comes to us every weekend and 75% of school holidays.

This weekend DD (4) has a school friend’s party. I mentioned this to OH 2 weeks ago, anyway he’s asked me tonight if I can ask if DSD can go.

I feel a bit cheeky really. I’ve had to ask before, some people are okay about it and other people have just flatly said no, which I understand completely.

OH has some sheep as a hobby and tomorrow he was going to get them and in and worm them which is a job I’ve managed to do with DD many times and DSD would probably love helping as she’s very enthusiastic about most things but he’s saying he can’t manage and that if DSD can’t go then myself and DD can’t go either.

I feel it’s a bit shit of him really, DSD doesnt have to miss out on her friends parties etc and I’m not saying that she should but then neither should DD.

He’s been out working all day today and only got in about half an hour ago. Surely tomorrow would be nice for himself and DSD to have some one on one time together.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Boysnme · 27/01/2018 19:57

We have had parties where older siblings have turned up unannounced and won the games, eaten the food and demanded a party bag. It really winds me up. When it is a pay per head event I always refuse to pay for extra siblings.

In this case for me it would depend how well you knew the host. A really good friend I would ask, a school Mum friend I would not.

Just out of curiosity, is your DD also your OHs DD?

Original poster
Placeboooooooo · 27/01/2018 19:58

Dragons hell I’ve done it with both of them before now! Haha.

My granny was a farmer. Her husband died young and left her with 5 children and two business’ as well as apart time job and she completely bossed it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Placeboooooooo · 27/01/2018 19:58

Yes DD is OH’s.

OP posts:
MummytoCSJH · 27/01/2018 20:02

Surely the point of her coming is to spend time with her dad anyway? Why would she want to go to a party where she doesnt know the birthday child? Not unreasonable at all.. your DD shouldn't have to put up with being followed and her life/friends/events being affected because DSDs dad can't (won't) parent her.

StrawberryMummy90 · 27/01/2018 20:05

OP I feel for your DD please make sure she goes to the party and has a lovely time.

You say DH doesn’t see DD during the week and gives lots of attention to DSD when she visits on the weekend - when does he spend quality time with your DD?

BlueMirror · 27/01/2018 20:08

Yanbu. If he is worried about his child being upset he needs to sort his sheep another time and take her to do something nice.
People do ask to take siblings to parties or, even worse, just turn up with them and they are cf's! Like pps have said if every child invited did it the number of children would double.
Aside from the party/sheep issue why is he putting a hobby above spending time with his child who he hasn't seen all week?

Original poster
Placeboooooooo · 27/01/2018 20:16

bluemirror he hasn’t seen either of his children all week.

strawberry I think he feels guilty if he spends time with DD without DSD there. Don’t get me wrong he loves her to bits but I don’t think he’ll ever get over feeling guilty for DSD coming from a ‘broken’ home as he puts it (I hate that turn of phrase)

We tend to do things as a family if we do anything but he does tend to make a bigger fuss of DSD. A lot of our friends have noticed this too.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 27/01/2018 20:17

It sounds like he just wants you to mind DSD for him so he can get on with worming the sheep without her under his feet.

YANBU, definitely. And a 7 year old shouldn't be throwing a tantrum about it.

I'm a bit puzzled about your DSD going to so many parties during the week. Parties have almost always been on Saturdays or Sundays IME, apart from small family parties.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 27/01/2018 20:19

Depending on the party an extra child isn't an issue. You're very similar to me. A dramatic husband who needs a kick sometimes!

MadMags · 27/01/2018 20:19

He sounds a right prick.

HPandBaconSandwiches · 27/01/2018 20:21

You have much bigger problems than the party OP and I think you know that.

I would not live with a man who treated our child as a second class citizen. She will already notice. How can you let him treat DSD to more time and attention than your own DD? Stressed or not, he needs to sort out the favouritism, isn’t so damaging and completely unacceptable.

BlueMirror · 27/01/2018 20:22

Yes op but he's got the chance to spend time with one of his kids and he's trying to pack her off with you!

HPandBaconSandwiches · 27/01/2018 20:22

It’s so damaging, not isn’t

AJPTaylor · 27/01/2018 20:27

Tell him youve asked and the answer is no.

Tistheseason17 · 27/01/2018 20:28

Elephant in the room alert
He's preferring his hobby over spending time with his DDs. This is your issue.

Ps. I'd be very irritated if you brought a 7yr old to a 4yr old's party. Don't even ask as you won't get future invites... x

Quartz2208 · 27/01/2018 20:28

This to be is an older sibling issue and he needs to step up. DS has a party tomorrow his older sister isn’t invited to so one takes to party one looks after sibling.

StrawberryMummy90 · 27/01/2018 20:30

strawberry I think he feels guilty if he spends time with DD without DSD there. Don’t get me wrong he loves her to bits but I don’t think he’ll ever get over feeling guilty for DSD coming from a ‘broken’ home as he puts it (I hate that turn of phrase)

We tend to do things as a family if we do anything but he does tend to make a bigger fuss of DSD. A lot of our friends have noticed this too

OP I mean this in the nicest way but fuck the party, what are you doing about the above?

I think it’s lovely he strives to maintain a strong bond with your DSD but your DD is getting the brunt of this and believe me when I say she will be affected by it. Favouritism is so damaging and the fact that outsiders from your family unit have noticed it shows he must do it very obviously. Give it a few years and your DD will end up resenting her father and also will see her sister as the enemy.

Your DH needs to be sat down and told this can’t continue. I think it’s even worse as he doesn’t see your DD during the week either so it’s not like she’s getting special attention on days her sister isn’t there. Poor girl.

StrawberryMummy90 · 27/01/2018 20:34

I would not live with a man who treated our child as a second class citizen. She will already notice. How can you let him treat DSD to more time and attention than your own DD? Stressed or not, he needs to sort out the favouritism, isn’t so damaging and completely unacceptable

^ this. I would give DH the opportunity to change but wouldn’t stick around if it didn’t happen.

Tweetiepie1000 · 27/01/2018 20:35

OH dear, this is obviously a symptom of something much bigger.

Obviously your DH is BU but honestly I think you have much bigger problems than that.

I suggest you might want to have a long think about the future and how your DD is going to feel as she grows up because from the sound of it you are going to have two very screwed up little girls because their father is giving them/has himself massive issues!

PramWanker · 27/01/2018 20:35

There is zero chance that I would tolerate my DH telling me I wasn't allowed to take one child to a party unless I took the other, even setting aside the fact that this is his contact with his child, and thus his responsibility.

midsomermurderess · 27/01/2018 20:46

At 7, is she not a bit old to be attending a party for kids around 4 or so?

FrancisCrawford · 27/01/2018 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ellie56 · 27/01/2018 21:58

We tend to do things as a family if we do anything but he does tend to make a bigger fuss of DSD. A lot of our friends have noticed this too.

Like others have said there are bigger issues here than DSD not going to the party.

What are you going to do about this? Your DD is only little at the moment but she will start to notice soon. What are you going to say when she asks, "Why does Daddy like DSD more than me?"

It will be incredibly damaging for her to grow up knowing her half sister is Daddy's favourite. Poor little girl.

KayaG · 28/01/2018 06:34

You need to address the issue of him favouring DSD. I agree with other posters, she needs to feel every bit as important as DSD. It won't be long before she notices.

snowbellj · 28/01/2018 13:22

I'm sure he doesn't actually favour DSD - it sounds more like he feels guilty about not being with her all the time and is trying to compensate.