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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not ask if DSD can go to the party.

299 replies

Placeboooooooo · 27/01/2018 18:01

DSD (7) comes to us every weekend and 75% of school holidays.

This weekend DD (4) has a school friend’s party. I mentioned this to OH 2 weeks ago, anyway he’s asked me tonight if I can ask if DSD can go.

I feel a bit cheeky really. I’ve had to ask before, some people are okay about it and other people have just flatly said no, which I understand completely.

OH has some sheep as a hobby and tomorrow he was going to get them and in and worm them which is a job I’ve managed to do with DD many times and DSD would probably love helping as she’s very enthusiastic about most things but he’s saying he can’t manage and that if DSD can’t go then myself and DD can’t go either.

I feel it’s a bit shit of him really, DSD doesnt have to miss out on her friends parties etc and I’m not saying that she should but then neither should DD.

He’s been out working all day today and only got in about half an hour ago. Surely tomorrow would be nice for himself and DSD to have some one on one time together.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SkyIsTooHigh · 27/01/2018 18:34

YANBU. If you didn't have another option you could take her and sit her nicely at the side with you, but much better for her to be with her dad and not OK to ask for her tocome and join in.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 27/01/2018 18:34

YANBU. Just say no to him.

diddl · 27/01/2018 18:35

" he’s saying he can’t manage and that if DSD can’t go then myself and DD can’t go either. "

Ah well then he'll have to do the sheep some other time or fit it around the party.
Cheeky bugger.

Partypopper123 · 27/01/2018 18:36

Yanbu - you shouldn't ask. They kids aren't even the same age, there's a pretty big difference between a 7 yo and a 4 yo.
I would hate it if a parent put me on the spot asking me this and I had to say no. CF territory I'm afraid.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/01/2018 18:38

if DSD can’t go then myself and DD can’t go either. This is VERY worrying.

And I have enough party bags for the invitees and they aren't cheap. If a random child, three years older, turned up because her dad couldn't be arsed to parent her and she stropped because there was no party bag, I would think the parents were incredibly rude.

Stop asking and tell him to stop telling you what to do.

Outlookmainlyfair · 27/01/2018 18:38

I have never understood how extra children expect to be invited to a party. If it is a 4yo party it won’t be planned for a 7yo, I agree with you, if the child’s name is not on the invitation they are not invited! I agree with you 100% to ask would be rude.

Namechangetempissue · 27/01/2018 18:40

"myself and DD can't go either" -err, fuck off. How dare he. Not only unreasonable but bloody rude and controlling. I would be furious if DH spoke to me like that!
My children don't go to the parties the other is invited too and I wouldn't ask either. Nothing to do with being a step child.
Tell him you will be going as you have RSVP and that he can entertain SD with or without the sheep.

Only1scoop · 27/01/2018 18:40

He sounds well rude

Tell him No chance

Hope your dd enjoys the party

crunchymint · 27/01/2018 18:42

Aside from all the other issues, a 4 year old's party is not going to be suitable for a 7 year old.

Original poster
Placeboooooooo · 27/01/2018 18:43

She gets to do a lot more than DD ever does and probably ever will do in terms of parties, clubs etc.

I don’t want to go into why he’s stressed as I may be outed but believe me I think he’d be more than relieved if sheep was all he had to worry about!

I don’t want to leave DD to come back and look after DSD, no. I was quite looking forward to having some time seeing my little girl enjoy herself.

OP posts:
Hellywelly10 · 27/01/2018 18:44

No wonder she's having meltdowns shes probably emotionaly intelligent and can sense what's going on. If her dad continues to ignore her during his contact time then she will start refusing to go.

Schlimbesserung · 27/01/2018 18:44

Since they are a hobby, I'm assuming less than 100 sheep? Administering the wormer takes me about 30 seconds per sheep once they are penned and I am not fond of sheep so I do as little practice as possible. So he could do something with his daughter while the party is on and worm the sheep either before or after. It also isn't usually the sort of job that has to be done urgently if it is done regularly. "I really would do it but I've got to see to the sheep" is a really common excuse where I live, and it's always bollocks. For example, I've never known a man miss a football game or a drink in the pub because of a sheep.
Are your hobbies allowed to inconvenience him, and does he have to arrange childcare for when you have a non-urgent task to take care of?

Original poster
Placeboooooooo · 27/01/2018 18:49

He doesn’t ignore her at all when she’s here. She gets the best of him and it’s usually all about her.

He doesn’t see DD during the week, he’s up and out to work before DD wakes up and he doesn’t come back until she’s in bed. He makes sure he is around on weekends. I think he’s trying to do stuff to keep his mind off what’s bothering him. He’s always been like it.

I’ve told him I’ll worm the bloody sheep after the party (we have 300, but it’s a bit of a join hobby and the flock has grown and grown).

He doesn’t have every single one to worm though, just a couple that he wants to move elsewhere as they’re starting to get a bit eaten up and he wants to hold off feeding them loads of hay and cake. I think he has about 50 to do. That many doesn’t take me much longer than 30 minutes, he’s only working them with a drenching gun.

OP posts:
Schlimbesserung · 27/01/2018 18:49

Alternatively, would it take the wind out of his sails if you went out first thing and did the worming for him? To help him, so he could enjoy a nice day with his daughter.

LML83 · 27/01/2018 18:50

unreasonable to ask if dsd can come to party but if you are sitting at the side of the hall watching then I often see older siblings sitting too playing on phone.

it seems a bit rubbish for dsd though depends if she would be happy to watch or not. I think her dad should be spending time with her but if it's a one off I think it would be ok.

Dh can't assume you are responsible for his child, you may be happy to help but he is very unreasonable to say you either take dsd or don't go.

Muddlingalongalone · 27/01/2018 18:50

I think your dh is being ridiculous and I would definitely be leaving him and dsd behind.
However, I am a single parent and if I didn't take dd2, dd1 would always miss out on parties. I always ask the parent and make clear that I don't expect her to join in, eat etc and I will take my own food for her/entertain her or pay for her to get in/do softplay/trampoline. As I do this I don't object to others bringing sibling but not unannounced - that's just rude.

Original poster
Placeboooooooo · 27/01/2018 18:51

The thought has crossed my mind, party isn’t until 11 so I might just do that but then on the other hand I’m pissed off at how he’s tried to speak to me tonight

OP posts:
Billben · 27/01/2018 18:51

if DSD can’t go then myself and DD can’t go either.

😂😂😂 I’d like to see the day when my DH tells me I can’t go somewhere😂 It would be a day he’d never forget, I tell ya🖕
He’s being a CF. Your DSD is his child, it’s his responsibility to look after her.

Original poster
Placeboooooooo · 27/01/2018 18:51

Not really rubbish for DSD ...... she gets to go to plenty of parties back at her mums.

OP posts:
LizardMonitor · 27/01/2018 18:53

Why doesn’t your DH do all this phoning to ask if his Dd can attend parties she isn’t invited to?

Or think another parent should have his child so he can get on with his hobby?

I am sorry he is stressed, but his behaviour is outrageous.

I would have been really fucked of if people had tried to get 7 year olds into a party of my 4 year olds. Unless it is a multi-aged family party, 7 year olds muscling in on a 4 year olds pass the parcel is not on.

He needs to calm down, get some perspective and stop ordering you about.

happypoobum · 27/01/2018 18:56

Fuck that shit.

No, I would leave him to worm the sheep, and I would have a lovely day with DD.

I would also say that there has been talk in the playground about the cheeky fuckery of people who make things awkward by asking if additional siblings to parties, and you won't be asking again.

LizardMonitor · 27/01/2018 18:57

If she is with you every weekend, though, she must miss a lot of school parties?

Nocabbageinmyeye · 27/01/2018 18:58

Hang on, why the hell are you worming the sheep????

"No i am not asking can dsd come and I am taking dd, don't ever tell me I can't do something, you can worm the sheep with dsd and while you are at it you can have a chat with her about her tantrums because I am not tolerating her or your tantrums anymore" that should cover it

foodiefil · 27/01/2018 18:59

Your DSD comes to you to spend time with her dad! Tell him he's being an arse and to make some memories with his daughter that she will probably remember for the rest of her life.

He sounds like a selfish bastard. Her time is her time!

ChasedByBees · 27/01/2018 19:01

he’s saying he can’t manage and that if DSD can’t go then myself and DD can’t go either.

Who does he think he is?