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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband celebrating his birthday without us

241 replies

Rubyrose80 · 26/01/2018 18:34

My husband is planning a trip to Vegas for his 40th birthday with just the lads meaning he will be over there for his birthday. I feel a bit put out to be honest not that I don't trust him I do but we have 3 small children and he made it clear no wives/girlfriends were invited which makes me feel that his friends take a higher priority on his list of people he'd celebrate his birthday with and not his family. AIBU to be a bit taken aback? I have been a part of his life for 15 years and whilst we take trips together and with friends on our own I'd never dream of not celebrating a milestone birthday with him.

OP posts:

isthismummy · 27/01/2018 13:25

How come you don't know where you're at money wise op? That strikes me as very odd. Do you not have equal access to the family finances?

DH and I only have a small savings fund. Niether of us would be spunking the money on trips to Las Vegas. That's the sort of holiday you take when you have a very comfortable amount in the kitty to finance it.

DragonNoodleCake · 27/01/2018 13:33

He is wrong to not have discussed it first, if he's not solo financing the trip he's in the wrong, and should have considered it near but not on his birthday so you could all celebrate with him

I did New York with the girls for my 40th, but I talked to DH first, paid for it out of 'my' account not the joint and went a while after my birthday.

What for you is the issue - with the trip itself, missing his birthday, the money?

NWQM · 27/01/2018 14:42

I totally totally get why you are upset. Our situation is slightly different but I'm really hurt about the presents my husband wants for his birthday. Background is that we are both 50 within two years of each other and we agreed a holiday of a lifetime in the middle. We agreed our parents etc would be asked to chip what they would have spent etc. I've recently been made redundant but the money has gone on keeping us going as his business is struggling. To celebrate his birthday he keeps coming up with options / presents that easily total about £1,000. He has grown up with lavish celebrations and presents. I didn't so don't quite get it but would indulge him if I could I have no idea though where he thinks this money is coming from. And all of the ideas exclude our nuclear family. We have two young children and they can't do any of the ideas and so effectively I cant as we wouldn't have any baby sitting options with what he has in mind. So it's all for just him and means there is no chance of the trip of a lifetime - which I admit is slim anyway but......I get it's his day. I would love to be of the mind that he should celebrate how he wants. I wish we had the money so we could blow it on his celebration. I just wish too that he wanted to do something at least that included me and the kids without me having to point it out. I totally get where you are coming from and whilst others don't think that your husband is being unreasonable I imagine it just feels that its very hurtful that he doesn't want to be with you. Mine says he does but thinks its reasonable that we would be spectators only whilst other people got to join in.

slothface · 27/01/2018 16:29

I'm a bit baffled by the 'kids love adults birthdays' crowd. Every family is different, I honestly don't think I even knew the date of my parents birthdays til I was about 12. It was a complete non-event in my house, if one parent had decided to go out/away with friends leaving me as a child at home with the other parents I doubt I would have given it much thought!

Given your update OP I think you're def BU. You both get trips away independently of each other. The birthday is just a date. I don't believe doing something with partner/family always has to be the default choice. For this occasion, his priority is having a good time with his mates and that's fine!

This thread has also illustrated why I'd never join my finances with a partner. I can't imagine having my fun time financially policed like that.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 27/01/2018 17:07

Given your update OP I think you're definitely NBU. Definitely not.

What an arse he is.

Independent holidays are fine. At random times over unimportant dates. Over an important date, totally different.

Minniemountain · 27/01/2018 17:16

Has he said why he has to be away on his actual birthday?
I'm going away with DH for my 40th this year but going the week after as I'd like to see DS on the day (who also gets excited about birthdays).

jayne1976 · 27/01/2018 17:43

Okay for him to go, but not okay on his actual birthday. My view is my birthday is no longer just about me, it’s about the kids I chose to bring into the world also, and they will be excited to share my actual day with me, and I have to do what’s right by them 1st, have my fun 2nd! My husband did this once pre kids and even then I was hugely offended to learn who he preferred to celebrate with.

LizzyELane · 27/01/2018 17:58

I really feel for you OP. My partner went off with his mate on a type of holiday which we had previously discussed doing together at some point. It was for 10 days during the school hols and I was really hurt he wanted to do this with his friend not me and leave me and my daughter at home. He kept saying he needed an adventure and would be happy for me to do the same. I don't feel that way at all though and want my 'adventures' to be with him. We broke up over it. But got back together later. I can't imagine how gutted I'd feel if he'd chosen that for his birthday celebrations and would be having a serious discussion about his priorities and our future.

Teeniemiff · 27/01/2018 18:17

If money, leave etc are not issues, is it that he’ll be away for his 40th?
I think if my hubby wanted a break with his friend i would suggest its not on his actual birthday.
I would be offended as if he had chose his friends over me & our kids to spend his birthday with. But say we did something together & he went before/after not so bad.

Maireadplastic · 27/01/2018 18:21

NWQM He has grown up with lavish celebrations and presents. But your husband is 50! He must have looked around him and got over this by now!

MaggieS41 · 27/01/2018 18:30

Ignore the bullshit comments about gambling and prostitution. That’s just coming from the paranoid and insular.

I would suggest to him he goes the next week so you can all celebrate his actual day together with perhaps close family and friends. If he says no, I’d love to know the reason because that just couldn’t be justified!

And if it’s putting a dent in your finances I’d question it further!

And if this is another example of putting you and the kids on the bottom of the priority list I’d have a stern talk to him about how you feel. If he doesn’t understand change the locks when he returns - at least he’ll have a suitcase and you won’t have to clean his dirty washing (which I’m going to assume he’ll be expecting you to do...)

KnackeredMumofTwins · 27/01/2018 19:38

My husband and his friends are going to Vegas for their 40ths next year, they're all 40 the same year, have known each other for 30 years and have been saving for the past two years. But he won't be away on his actual birthday. I'm 40 a couple of weeks before him so we're having a party at home to celebrate and it so happens all my friends are 40 the same year as well so we're also thinking of going away without husbands and kids. The Vegas thing / going away wiyhput me doesn't bother me, his reaction to a stripper on his stag tells me he has no interest in either strippers or prostitutes. I would be bothered if he was going on his actual birthday though. Can he shift the date?

ZanyMobster · 27/01/2018 19:40

I would be totally pissed off if DH decided on a trip like this without discussing it with me but I definitely wouldn't be that fussed if we talked about it and could afford it, you can celebrate any day as a family. DH's 50th celebrations went on all year to be honest and he went for a week's holiday plus a few weekends with just mates and we did lots of stuff together and also as a family. We attended a wedding on his actual birthday so it really wasn't a big deal.

For those saying Vegas is all prostitutes and gambling are way off IMO. We have spent 3 weeks in total in Vegas and only gambled once for an hour or so in total in all the trips put together. We are going again this year and won't gamble. Definitely won't use prostitutes either, what odd thing to say. No time for that in Vegas so much to do. It's also brilliant for families we were out at night with the kids and definitely not seedy. God knows where people have gone in Vegas but the big hotels feel very safe and I have walked along the strip alone several times and felt a hell of a lot safer than I would in London(maybe I was numb with all the coke though )

If there are problems in your relationship where your husband doesn't communicate, put you first at all or is spending funds you don't have then there are other issues here.

MaggieS41 · 27/01/2018 20:04

You do not own someone else's birthday. It is theirs and their choice.

Pffft

UpABitLate · 27/01/2018 20:12

I wouldn't mind DH going away for his birthday with his mates.

I would mind if he announced it as a done deal, without asking me, can we afford it, what about work, are you OK to look after the kids etc...

Which it seems is what happened to OP.

marymoosmum · 27/01/2018 20:57

I would tell him that him and his friends can go without partners the weekend before or after, or that partners go with. Either way he spends his birthday with his family and if he does go without you on his birthday you won't be there when he gets back.

ZanyMobster · 27/01/2018 21:26

If a woman came on here and told MN that her husband told her that she either spends her birthday at home with him or when she comes back he won't be there then everyone would tell her he's controlling etc.

Surely it's about 2 way communication, not issuing ultimations.

LadyBunnysWig · 27/01/2018 21:54

I would tell him that him and his friends can go without partners the weekend before or after, or that partners go with.

Because that isn't controlling or manipulative at all

caringcarer · 27/01/2018 22:57

Tell him when he returns you are expecting a very special gift.

Pensionista · 28/01/2018 06:53

You are way down on his priority list. When is he going to grow up and stop being so selfish.

Tinkerbec · 28/01/2018 07:39

Vegas is shite, like a huge shopping centre full of wannabe club 18-30s - everyone trying to rip you off or short-change you, cards handed out every 5 metres for 'girls in your room'. I guess if you haven't been to America before it's a novelty but there are much better places!

I haven’t found this at all. Ok, yes some random card giver outers and I once saw a girl dressed up who police told her to leave. ( possible escort) . But I love vegas and have been for the last three years. It’s not only for strippers and escorts. I am sure you can find that but I didn’t. There is so much more to do. The best escape room I have done was in vegas.

You can read trip reports on MSE and I don’t think any mention strippers and escorts. Theres so much more to it. Pools, shows, views, restaurants and the buzz. If course some gambling but I probably only gambld £20.

As others have said it’s the fact he wants to go on the day. I would be annoyed and hurt to.
Is this just a final straw? Is he selfish in other areas? Does he do a lot with the kids?

BoredOnMatLeave · 28/01/2018 08:34

It wouldn't bother me at all, I love Vegas so might be a bit jealous. But you say you feel like he doesn't put you and the children first so you have bigger problems than a trip to Vegas IMHO

Mikklehaha · 28/01/2018 09:15

A group of male 40 something’s in Vegas, no wives or girlfriends allowed? Is anyone not thinking gambling and prostitutes?

Tinkerbec · 28/01/2018 10:09

A group of male 40 something’s in Vegas, no wives or girlfriends allowed? Is anyone not thinking gambling and prostitutes?

Aeroflotgirl · 28/01/2018 10:50

I don't think that's acceptable if it were a man or a woman. Something big like this, should be discussed with each other first. Its about a loving and respectful partnership.

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