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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband celebrating his birthday without us

241 replies

Rubyrose80 · 26/01/2018 18:34

My husband is planning a trip to Vegas for his 40th birthday with just the lads meaning he will be over there for his birthday. I feel a bit put out to be honest not that I don't trust him I do but we have 3 small children and he made it clear no wives/girlfriends were invited which makes me feel that his friends take a higher priority on his list of people he'd celebrate his birthday with and not his family. AIBU to be a bit taken aback? I have been a part of his life for 15 years and whilst we take trips together and with friends on our own I'd never dream of not celebrating a milestone birthday with him.

OP posts:
speakout · 27/01/2018 07:02

I agree with Lethaldrizzle and lipstick.

I'm not a "cool wife" either then.

Kids want to be part of their parent's birthdays. When we are parents our birthdays cease to be totally our own while we have young children.
Kids love to be part of the treat making process, to learn how good it feels to give, to feel joy for another - choosing to celebrate a birthday as a family tightens bonds.

I would not be happy is my OH took himself off for a drunken jolly ion his birthday rather than spend it with his family.

It would cause me to rethink what type of person he is.

RadioGaGoo · 27/01/2018 07:08

I love those commentators who are making out that the OP is being controlling, when the DH hasn't even discussed this holiday with her - he's told her. That's controlling.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 27/01/2018 07:12

Absolutely agree lethal, perfectly put.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 27/01/2018 07:15

When we are parents our birthdays cease to be totally our own while we have young children.

I must have missed that memo.

I actually never have spent a birthday away from my children, but I really disagree that I somehow 'owe' them my birthday. They have their own birthdays, and damn nice ones too.

BoomBoomsCousin · 27/01/2018 07:19

”I love those commentators who are making out that the OP is being controlling, when the DH hasn't even discussed this holiday with her - he's told her. That's controlling.”

While I’m heading off without my family to celebrate a “milestone” birthdays of my own this year, I agree with this. I certainly didn’t arrange it without seeking happy agreement from my DH before making any commitments.

speakout · 27/01/2018 07:21

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual

Each to their own.

In our home children get excited at a parent's birthday, they will make a card, help bake a cake, help wrap gifts.
On the day of the birthday they enjoy setting out a breakfast tray for the birthday person, enjoy any activities, a lunch out perhaps, then back home for cake with a candle and singing happy birthday.

For us that's just family life.

We must be odd.

userabcname · 27/01/2018 07:21

I would be upset - especially as it's not even been up for discussion. Even if it wasn't for his birthday, I would be pretty upset if DH told me he was going away with friends and I wasn't wanted with no discussion about it/checking it was ok with dates etc. (just as I would do with him if I was planning a trip away with my friends). I think he has approached the whole thing in a very inconsiderate way.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 27/01/2018 07:28

@speakout I'm not saying you're odd. I'm saying we're all different, and that not wanting to spend one particular birthday with your dc doesn't make you a heartless twat who hates your family.

I also don't think disagreeing on this particular issue makes one a 'cool wife'.

MsHomeSlice · 27/01/2018 07:38

I'd be vexed tbh, but really unless your dh and all the friends are particularly high earners, are they really going to want to waste a week of leave and £1k on chummy's birthday??

and plenty of the spouses of chums will also be wearing the Hmm face at the prospect, so I can really see this being a big damp squib

CiderwithBuda · 27/01/2018 08:04

Well it's obv a big deal to the OP and seems from her other comment to be indicative of his priorities generally. It will be interesting to see what he says when you say you are not happy about it.

I go away without DH regularly. Went to NY and Australia to celebrate my 50th although I was here on the day itself. Was actually in Australia again the following year on my actual birthday. DH and DS are not big into celebrating birthdays so they weren't bothered.

A friend's DH went to LV for his brother's stag do. It was a bit of an issue for her - finances/being left with the children/a bit envious - so she had a trip to NY later in the year. There was compromise. Which is key in any relationship.

ferntwist · 27/01/2018 08:10

OP YANBU. There’s no way he’s not going for strippers or worse. He’ll tell himself it’s okay because it’s his big birthday and ‘what goes on in Vegas stays in Vegas’. I reckon some kind of mid-life crisis Hangover-style fantasy is driving this because he feels anxious about his big 4-0. Some of the posters here are super naive and have clearly never been to Vegas.

Lethaldrizzle · 27/01/2018 08:15

Speakout, that's how we do birthdays in our house too. I'd take that over getting wasted in las vegas any day and i am speaking as some one who loves to party.

ImListening · 27/01/2018 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lostmyslippers · 27/01/2018 08:49

OP I really feel for you. I would be hurt to say the least. You have given him 3 children and spent 15 years together. I think he should have done something with you and kids on his actual birthday and maybe could have done Vegas a bit after?? I know I'm probably going to get flamed as there are a lot of people made from steel...but i think he is being a selfish twat. I'm sorry but it's a milestone birthday and he should be with you all.
Tell him to grow up OP and get his priorities in order. Thanks

SouthWestmom · 27/01/2018 08:55

Every relationship and person is different though.

My dh is away a lot, we've recovered from debt so have spare cash and he sees friends without me quite a bit - this wouldn't bother me at all.

Equally I go out with a close group of friends twice a year to do fun stuff. We could easily do a Big Birthday together.

But if your relationship is different and this is unusual then that's not ok for the two of you.

I don't think it's an unreasonable thing to do on its own , it's just it's not fitting your pattern.

MrsHoneyMummy · 27/01/2018 09:15

OK, try this scenario: would you consider it reasonable for a mother to bugger off somewhere with her mates on Mothering Sunday (not visiting her own mother, or worse still her mother-in-law)?
Mothering Sunday is for mothers, right? So if what makes a mother happy is to go away on an expensive break without her 3 children under the age of ten, she can just book it in the expectation that Daddy will pick up the slack and the kids won't be disappointed. After all, Mothering Sunday is about making mothers happy.

WeAllHaveWings · 27/01/2018 09:17

Dh went to Vegas 2 years ago to celebrate a friend’s 50th birthday. It wasn’t that expensive as they shared rooms and got the cheapest flights possible. If dh wanted to do for his 50th in a couple of years time I wouldn’t have a problem either.

You say you have no problem with him going later so it’s not a money, trust or jealous of him having a holiday problem. His actual birthday is just a date, I think you are being emotionally manipulative to make him play a who is more important to you game when you can easily celebrate his birthday with him before or after. Unless there are other issues with your marriage which are causing you problems and this is bringing them to the surface.

BartholinsSister · 27/01/2018 09:20

Sounds fine, MrsHoney, not everyone is a slave to convention.
What happens if the OP's DH agrees not to go to Las Vegas, but then insists on doing nothing for his birthday - everyone happy?

StickThatInYourPipe · 27/01/2018 09:45

If someone could please tell me where all these mystical 1 week trips to Vegas are that only cost £1k, I would be a very happy lady!

I don’t think YABU OP. I have had trips away, as has dp, but to places like Ibiza and Amsterdam, they cost max £500 including spending money. I have never done Vegas for a week for less than £5k (so about 2.5k pp) and me and dp were certainly not having lap dances and escorts! Plus we ate in the cheaper restaurants (literally McDonald’s sometimes) and are not massive gamblers! The shows, Grand Canyon trips, booze etc, they are add up and fast!

That would be why I would say no, also I would be a jealous asshole for weeks before and after ha!

LadyBunnysWig · 27/01/2018 09:50

MsHoney I don't see a problem with that at all.
I also don't think it is in anyways similar. Mother's Day is shared with every mother and mother to be, it's hardly the same as a big birthday unless you happen to share your birthday with your immediate family.

It's only a fricken day!! If you have to make a big hullabaloo at home, do it just before or after? The kids can still make cards/gifts etc. They can still lay the table on a different day Hmm

They will only be upset about it if their mum is. You need to teach your children that they are apart of the family, not the rulers of the family. You can't always do everything they want and you certainly can't be called a selfish bastard for wanting to have fun in Vegas for your birthday without them.

People on here blow my mind!

Original poster
Rubyrose80 · 27/01/2018 09:50

Thank you for all the comments. Like I've said me and him we both do trips independent of each other with our friends I was away before Christmas and he is away in a few weeks with his. The trip on his birthday is going ahead and I'm not sure where we're at money wise but we've no savings except a small emergency fund that I set up. I really haven't got an issue with the trip to Vegas and whilst we normally do a decent holiday every year I'd be even willing to lower the standards a bit once we still got a holiday in order for him to go but it's the fact he chose to go on his birthday and spend his birthday with his friends over us hurts. Even if he'd of went the day after.

OP posts:
DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 27/01/2018 09:51

Hookers. Lots of hookers. Snorting coke off hookers. Dropping 5k at blackjack because he thinks he can card count. Firing machine guns. More hookers.

I'd have enjoyed that. Instead, because I'm not that much of a selfish twat, my 40th was spent at a christening, and the party was held the following week. Admittedly, it included alcohol poisoning, ghost chili poker and indoor bouldering, but it wasn't adulterous.

LadyBunnysWig · 27/01/2018 09:57

I have this group of friends, we've been friends for years and years and have always said that for our big birthdays we will do something memorable. Sadly we've never had the chance because life happened. We grew up, got married, had kids. I love my family so much but it's my 40th this year and I'd love to go away for it. I've said I want to go to Vegas. We were chatting and the dates that work means I would be there on my actual birthday. Financially we can afford it without it impacting my family, as can my friends.
I've mentioned this to my spouse and they got all upset saying I am being cruel and selfish. They say this means I don't value my family as much as my friends and I am clearly showing them where my priorities lie.
This is absolutely not the case but I'm now annoyed that we cant even discuss it.

StickThatInYourPipe · 27/01/2018 09:57

Hookers. Lots of hookers. Snorting coke off hookers. Dropping 5k at blackjack because he thinks he can card count. Firing machine guns. More hookers

What the fuck are you talking about? There’s a lot more to Vegas than gambling and prostitution is actually illegal in Las Vegas

ITCouldBeWorse · 27/01/2018 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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