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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband celebrating his birthday without us

241 replies

Rubyrose80 · 26/01/2018 18:34

My husband is planning a trip to Vegas for his 40th birthday with just the lads meaning he will be over there for his birthday. I feel a bit put out to be honest not that I don't trust him I do but we have 3 small children and he made it clear no wives/girlfriends were invited which makes me feel that his friends take a higher priority on his list of people he'd celebrate his birthday with and not his family. AIBU to be a bit taken aback? I have been a part of his life for 15 years and whilst we take trips together and with friends on our own I'd never dream of not celebrating a milestone birthday with him.

OP posts:
StickThatInYourPipe · 27/01/2018 10:03

ITCouldBeWorse yep I agree, it’s not about Vegas (I love it there too!) but about the huge costs involved without a second thought to the family.

psychomath · 27/01/2018 10:07

I'm not sure where we're at money wise

Wait, what? For one thing, how come you don't know how much money you have? And secondly, how are you both managing to fund trips away with your friends if you have no savings except a small emergency pot? (Not judging btw, I'm just not sure I understand what you're saying)

JamesBlonde1 · 27/01/2018 10:09

I’m a fairly tolerant person but THIS is a definite LTB scenario and I’d be clear on that before he went so he knew he’d be booking to see a solicitor upon his return. What a selfish twat! We get one chance in life and he decides to celebrate an important birthday without you? Unbelievable!

AnyFucker · 27/01/2018 10:13

You are a walkover Sad

1ndig0 · 27/01/2018 10:16

OP - had he said why Vegas in particular? Was it his suggestion or his friends'?

If he hasn't booked it yet anyway, then just say no Confused. You're more than happy for him to go a few days later and that's the end of it.

Tell him in no uncertain terms you are annoyed that he would rather spend his birthday with friends rather than his family. Ask him what he has to say about that. Then ask him what he's going to do to make it up to you.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 27/01/2018 10:16

Responsible Adults negotiate with each other.consider the factors inc finances
Being a parent is a joint enterprise,the me is we.I’m not talking passivity and subservience.
I mean an emotional/practical state were you consider the whole family (adults & weans)
Because that’s what being a parent is,it’s the inclusion of your family in your plans,actions and behaviour

Lethaldrizzle · 27/01/2018 10:19

Weallhavewings - 'emotionally manipulative' to want to spend your husbands 40th with him! ?

Tistheseason17 · 27/01/2018 10:26

We all have different relationships and some are ok with DHs going to Vegas without them.
I'm not.
I have been to Vegas. Daytime is ok but at night it is pretty seedy. It's a city in the desert with hotels, hookers and gambling.

If my DH said he wanted to go, we would as a family. His friends would join him and I'd be happy with him going out etc but DH puts his family first.

Put your foot down OP. You're clearly unhappy about this and it doesn't matter what anyone else says. You're living this situation x

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 27/01/2018 10:27

Shocking,eh wanting to spend a notable date with your dp of 15y, the father of your weans
I’ll call that right out now, def emotional manipulative

UpABitLate · 27/01/2018 10:30

Prostitution is illegal therefore it doesn't happen!!!

That's very funny.

UpABitLate · 27/01/2018 10:34

For me if my DH unilaterally announced that he was going (not asking if it worked, not suggesting it, not saying would it be OK if, ...) IF he just said "this is what I am doing for my birthday, I will be spending this money, you are not invited, you will be looking after this children...

Then yes I would be fucked off. And flabbergasted TBH it would never happen. We tend to discuss things before we make decisions especially if it impacts the other.

Also obviously group of men who go on holiday anywhere as a group are interested in doing things that their other halves might not approve of ie in vegas, strip clubs + I would say high chance of paying for sex. Certainly the men I know well enough to know, in these groups some of them do that. Not all, but, some. I mean, obviously.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/01/2018 10:34

From your update, it sounds like you are being a whinyarse, sorry. His birthday, his choice. Have the family celebration before/after his trip.

(I am single BTW. I did have a 50th birthday party that was kid-friendly so DS could come, but that's more to do with not having anything like the money to go away.)

falang · 27/01/2018 10:41

Lads trip to Vegas and you trust him? Hmmmm. I wouldn't. He is being very selfish.

StickThatInYourPipe · 27/01/2018 10:42

Prostitution is illegal therefore it doesn't happen!!!

Of course it happens but people seem to think the only reason a man would want to go to Vegas is for prostitution, there is soooo much more to Vegas than that. Hell even strip bars are not in your face, the pit dancers are everywhere obviously, but you cannot even attempt to touch them!

I think some people on this thread have just made their minds up that a bloke going with mates to Vegas wants to cheat on their wives and that’s all they would be doing! It’s sad really

ArsenicNLace · 27/01/2018 11:07

I work with someone with a husband like this. He always does a 'boys trip' to celebrate his birthday and this year as it was a landmark birthday he went to Hong Kong! The family holiday was Norfolk.

He lives like a single person. Went absolutely batsh*t when she tagged him on FB to wish him a happy birthday and immediately untagged himself.

We all think he's having an affair but she insists on posting numerous memes about her 'wonderful hubby' and how great he is!

This won't get any better. Yes he prefers to spend his 'funtime' with his friends rather than family.

Spadequeen · 27/01/2018 11:11

Think I’d be starting up a small savings fund in your name only if I were you.

mrsBeverleyGoldberg · 27/01/2018 11:29

OP's problem is he's choosing a holiday with friends over celebrating a milestone birthday with her.

mrsBeverleyGoldberg · 27/01/2018 11:29

Spadequeen I agree with you.

EilaLila · 27/01/2018 11:36

While I don’t think the OP is BU, I’m smiling at the hard of thinking on here and some downright fun sponges. “Why would anyone want to go to Vegas?” “it’s only a birthday”. Some people enjoy those things and consider them fun. It’s fine if you don’t but really, some people might.....

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 27/01/2018 11:43

I think the trip in itself is not a massive problem as part of his 40th celebrations, but to actually go away without you on the day itself is pretty mean

This

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 27/01/2018 12:02

For me i’d be hurt that my dp of 15years didn’t want to celebrate WITH ME and share the experience. Vegas isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but I’d be a bit gutted if my partner told me he was going without me. Isn’t being in a relationship about living life together (and yes, before everyone jumps down my neck, it is also healthy to do things apart. It doesn’t mean OP has to be delighted to be left behind).

ThamesRiver · 27/01/2018 12:36

As long a i) there is sufficient money for the Husband to do so, ii) there is sufficient money for the OP to do the same should she wish and iii) the husband doesn't have a problem with OP going, I genuinely don't see what the problem is

OP, I think the bigger issue is that you don't know where you're at re family finance. Clearly you can't answer the questions above if you don't know what the financial situation is. I'm always uncomfortable when friends tell me they don't know the situation re finances.

I'd feel exposed in your position and would want get to a position where I was always "in the know".

That's the Elephant in the Room IMHO

TheStoic · 27/01/2018 12:44

I’d be so sad about this.

The day my partner deliberately chose not to include me in a significant celebration would have to be the beginning of the end.

You can’t stop him, and why would you want to? I would never in a million years ask a man to prioritise me.

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 27/01/2018 12:47

I do not see a problem really. For my sisters 40th we went on holiday for a week, just the sisters and our mom, and were away for her actual 40th, and are now planning doing the same for my 40th.

Does it mean my husband and children are "lower down on the pecking order"? Nope, but it was something we wanted to do and we had a great time.

If it is JUST because he is not spending his milestone birthday with you, I do not see an issue.

However, if this means he is spending all your holiday budget on this, and then the family holiday is camping in a muddy field in the wilds of Yorkshire as that is all you can afford now then that is different. Or if he has a history of ALWAYS choosing his friends over family time, then yes it might be an issue.

balsamicbarbara · 27/01/2018 12:49

I can see why people would get upset about the money but the "day itself" crowd I do not understand. You do not own someone else's birthday. It is theirs and their choice.

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