Husband celebrating his birthday without us

[Rubyrose80]

My husband is planning a trip to Vegas for his 40th birthday with just the lads meaning he will be over there for his birthday. I feel a bit put out to be honest not that I don't trust him I do but we have 3 small children and he made it clear no wives/girlfriends were invited which makes me feel that his friends take a higher priority on his list of people he'd celebrate his birthday with and not his family. AIBU to be a bit taken aback? I have been a part of his life for 15 years and whilst we take trips together and with friends on our own I'd never dream of not celebrating a milestone birthday with him.

YABVU. It's his birthday, not yours. You're just feeling left out and are pouting about it.

As @ladybunnywig said ffs! Can you imagine a post 'my friends want to take me on a fab girlie break for my 40th, DH says no! I must celebrate my birthday according to his wants' chorus of LT controlling B!

For me it'd be about him using his leave & our money without us

So married people can't take leave to do their own thing? Or spend their money as they wish?

My DH cannot tell me how to spend my money or vice versa.

That thinking is what puts people off marriage...especially men.

It wouldn't happen here.

It's so clearly about more than the birthday. Unilaterally deciding that you're going off by yourself somewhere expensive and not consulting the person who's got no choice but to pick up your slack with the kids while you're off on your jolly is a piss take.

Fundamentally it’s a kicker,because yes he’s chosing not to be with partner & kids
He’s not some young wide boy,hanging with his troops. He’s an adult. A parent & partner
It’s really v shallow,frankly don’t argue the toss about it.let him get on with it
It’s not worth the argument, if he really can’t see that hanging out pretending to be a lad is inappropriate

I'm sort of in the middle. I wouldn't mind him having the trip with his friends but I'd want him to do it before or after his actual birthday. I'd hope we could do something nice on the actual day.

shake I'm so happy someone else sees this.

I'm assuming money isn't the issue, nor the annual leave as OP hasn't mentioned this to be a problem. It's purely because he has chosen to spend time with his friends. I do this too. So I must be a selfish bitch according to this lot. I spent my birthday with my best mate in a different city. Left DH and DS at home for the weekend. Oh the horror.

Adults with no kids, this is not a problem.adult parents it’s a problem if she’s left with the weans whilst he swans off
Clearly it’s a surprise to op,minimal or no negotiation,which is surprising

she’s choosing not to be with husband & kids
She’s not some young flibbertigibbert, hanging with her squad. She’s an adult. A mother & wife

Sounds horrible when you change the gender doesn't it lipstick?

I don't get how he's the selfish one when he's not allowed to do what he wants for his birthday, and should spend his fortieth with the op because that's what she wants. Her choice right? She gets to dictate how he soends his fortieth and should threaten him with divorce if he doesn't cow tow to her demands? Lovely.

And yeah, sometimes going away with your mates is a whole lot more fun than your partner. Doesn't mean you don't enjoy both equally, just it's very different.

And going to Vegas doesn't mean he wants to see strippers. He can do that right here if he wants. Strippers aren't exclusive to Vegas..

In fairness, if I was going out with my female friends I’d not want my (or their) partner present
There is nothing wrong in going away with mates,but I’d expect negotiation
I’d expect Consideration about the partner who is left with 3 kids

I'd hope we could do something nice on the actual day

Yeah, cos his birthdays all about you and your wants.

I'm going to Vegas with some friends, without DH/DS to celebrate my 50th (in two years time). Greatly looking forward to as I want to do the cheese-fest, casino, shows, zipwire things. DH hates that type of thing and DS is 11 so wouldn't experience much and I'd prefer to go with my friends.

However, my actual birthday will be spent with them and family/friends at home. So I don't think he's unreasonable to go, but I understand why you feel as you do. Unless it's a ridiculously great bargain and it has to be over the actual day. Then, I might do the celebrating family thing beforehand.

The gender doesn’t change it,it’s the lack of negotiation
I’d equally be aghast at a female gadding of to Vegas with no negotiation
And yes I’d be thinking, you’re an adult parent not Swifty off with her crew
It’s not the gender it’s the behaviour
I do expect male and female parents to modify their behaviour and be responsible

The trip isn't a problem. The destination isnt really the issue. Its the timing of it. The message is loud and clear - if he would rather spend his actual birthday with his friends than his wife and children well that shows what he thinks of the relationship and that's shit.

This^
I like Vegas for the shows etc. others have said. But his decision, which is his right to make I guess, shows where his heart is.
As some PP say, if op had come up with the suggestion and could happily wave him on his merry way, that is one thing... but she isn't happy, and his DW and DC should be the last people he ever wants to cause hurt.

If it were impacting on family finances, or the amount of leave he can have from work or something, then I'd see your point, but your have said I really feel if he said I'd like to take a trip to Vegas at some stage next year to celebrate my birthday and it will be the lads only id be fine with that.

So, I don't really see the issue. What does it matter if he is here or on this break on one date or another.
When you celebrate a big birthday, there's nothing wrong with doing 2 or 3 (or more) things - if you want to, and can afford to - it really doesn't matter in the scheme of things which order you do them.

I did lots of things without dh for my last birthday. It doesn't mean I don't love him, but it just meant that the dates I could fit together with other groups I wanted to celebrate with as well as celebrating with dh there had to be worked out too. dh didn't have a hissy fit because of us trying to work out how to fit everything in.

No spiteful,it doesn’t Sound horrible when change the gender. Not at all

I think that's shitty behaviour from him.

StopPOP et al are talking about planned trips,that both adults discussed
That’s markedly different from not discussing,or seeking an opinion, just deciding
Op is not seeking to give permission,she simply wanted included in significant events

Maybe he's going through a little mid-life crisis. Family life is wonderful but it can be hard. He may feel like he needs to reconnect with his friends, have some fun. I wouldn't begrudge him his opportunity but it's a shame he won't be celebrating the actual day with his family who I'm sure are his priority in life. If I this was my DH, I'd let him go. It is his birthday after all. I know he's a husband and a father but he's also his own person. As long as he's not always swanning off with his mates, I don't see the problem here. He's only 40 once.

OP, would you feel the same if he was at home on the day of his birthday but away in Vegas with his friends either just before r just after to celebrate?

A birthday is just a day. I've previously celebrated mine away from kids and DH. Of course I told him in advance...I'm planning on going to X place on X date for my birthday celebration.

I did enough asking permission as a child/teen at home .. I'm an adult now...so I do what I want.

Is the issue that it's his birthday or would you still not be happy if he was going on a different day?

He sees you and the kids everyday...how would it really be special or any different for him.

I’m adult now I do what I want. Fine, to an extent.but IMO when you have a partner & kids you don’t have completely free choice.you do need to include them. partnership & kids is not exclusively about individuality .you think of we and not just me, that’s the point

It's difficult to tell whether the H is a selfish sod or the OP is a whining funsponge without more information.
I will assume (as PP have done on the grounds that OP didn't mention it) that this trip is affordable ie won't mean the rest of the family missing out.
Otherwise: do you both get a similar amount of leisure time (ie child-free, chore-free time) to do what you want? If not, is that because he is forever off out leaving you with the DC, or is it because your idea of leisure time is 'family' time ie doing child-friendly stuff, all together?
How do you and he normally celebrate your birthdays (whatever you do for DC birthdays will obviously be a different thing)? Do you tend not to make a big deal of them, or are his birthdays spent with his friends while yours are ignored, or spent 'with family'?

Some people do have this idea that, once you marry and breed, you can never have any adults-only, raucous fun again and everything has to be 'family-friendly' and sensible from now on.
Some people behave as though a partner and children are a hindrance (mostly men do this) and insist on a load more free time than they let their partners have.

Which is more like your set-up, OP?

I'm obviously not a 'cool wife', I agree with lipstick- It's not just about him and satisfying his needs, He's chosen to marry and have 3 kids, He's built a life with the op, yet at the first 'big milestone' he's off like a flash. So instead of waking up on his birthday surrounded by his family and beautiful kids, he'll be waking up with a bunch of hungover blokes. One thing people say on their death bed is they wish they'd spent more time with their families (not getting wasted in law vegas). And don't be naive, this is about him staring his mortality in the face, this is a stag do part 2. My kids love birthdays, they'd be really upset if I chose to spend it elsewhere.

I really, really don't think it is 'cool wife' to not mind if you dh decides to have a friends holiday for his 40th.

If he's a cunt the rest of the year, then yeah it would likely piss you right off.

Also I love my dc very much but I give them pretty much my heart and soul every day and so I don't actually think it's a given that I have to spend my birthday with them. I'm still an adult who can decide to prioritise myself every now and again.

It sounds as though the dh may well prioritise himself often, though...