Husband celebrating his birthday without us

[Rubyrose80]

My husband is planning a trip to Vegas for his 40th birthday with just the lads meaning he will be over there for his birthday. I feel a bit put out to be honest not that I don't trust him I do but we have 3 small children and he made it clear no wives/girlfriends were invited which makes me feel that his friends take a higher priority on his list of people he'd celebrate his birthday with and not his family. AIBU to be a bit taken aback? I have been a part of his life for 15 years and whilst we take trips together and with friends on our own I'd never dream of not celebrating a milestone birthday with him.

What Nailsneedoing said.

I’m going against the grain. I known plenty of woman who had 30th birthdays or hen did abroad with their friends. I would simply expect that he return the favour when it’s your birthday.

DH and a lot of his mates have been turning 40 over the past couple of years, almost all of them have had a lads weekend/night out to celebrate and then done something else with family.
I don't see the problem with that at all, however I can see if this is part of a long line of examples of him making you feel second best it could be an issue.

I really feel me and the kids are so low down on his priorities at times and this just proves it to me

For those who think that it is no big deal.....this really isnt about one birthday trip to Vegas.

Unfortunately, the trip is just a symptom of a bigger problem. If the OP didnt think she and the kids were low in his priorities, she probably wouldnt have an issue with the trip.

What sort of spouse/parent chooses celebrate with their friends rather than family? It's clear spending time with ye is not counted as fun.

If there's a long list of priors then that's a different thing.
In the normal run of things I'd have no issue with this. If he was going during MY 40th birthday I'd be peeved but can't see an issue otherwise.

I'm going away for the weekend with some old friends and not my DH or kids to celebrate our 50ths which fall within a month of each other. I'm going on my own in part because it's not the sort of trip you can do with kids and we don't have anyone who can take them for that long of a time so we would both be able to go. But also because this is a tight group of friends I've known for over 40 years, a decade longer than I've known my DH, and I do kind of want a holiday with just them, which I haven't had in nearly 30 years. The 50ths was just a good excuse for all of us.

I celebrate with my DH all the time. I think the question you need to ask yourself is whether this is just the most obvious of many slights that indicate he doesn't see you as anything other than domesticity and maybe sex, or is it that he sees a chance to do something he'd like but wouldn't feel able to justify in the normal course of things?

Not on.

I think the OP's title says it all -- her DH is choosing to celebrate his birthday, (the actual day and presumably a few days either side as well) with his friends, rather than his wife and children, who wanted to be with him on the day.
He sounds selfish and a bit of a tosser, frankly, especially if he just announced his plans without prior discussion.
It's a big deal for the OP and I can understand that. I would be hugely disappointed for myself and the DC.

I do think there's a difference between
-going away on holiday with friends 'for your birthday' at a time that works for everyone going and doesn't impact too much on family finances and holiday allowance etc
-being away on that holiday on your actual birthday and leaving your spouse and children behind whilst you celebrate the day with friends.

I would generally expect that your nuclear family would be first choice to spend that with and that the holiday wouldn't take you away on the exact date. I would feel hurt and like I wasn't a priority in that situation.

OP, you can’t control his behaviour or choices but you can control your own. If he really wants to go, and will go despite your reasons for not wanting him, you need to decide what you will do.

I can see this situation from different sides but ultimately if you’re not happy with his choice then you have to make decisions for you.

The dynamics of relationships vary, if might be ok for you to have the equivalent amount of money to spend as you wish, or it may be right for you have a weekend away with the girls or, it might be that he doesn’t spend time away from his family in Vegas but does something more low key with friends and family. Only you can say what suits your family dynamics but it’s ok to say some things are non-negotiable.

For me, I wouldn’t be overly keen but I wouldn’t stop him going. If I found out he’d visited a lap dancing bar - or worse- that would be a LTB moment though and I’d make sure he knew this.

OP, you’re entitled to be pissed off with this situation.

And for people that say '"Why not? He should go - it's no biggie." Well, that's fine for them, but it's certainly not 'no biggie' for everyone.
My DH is off skiing shortly and will be away on Valenttine's Day and I couldn't give a toss about it. But I understand that it would be a huge deal for plenty of other people -- and that's what matters.
(And I would be distinctly unimpressed if DH booked a party/piss-up/trip abroad with his friends and without me for any significant birthday)

There is a lot more to Vegas than strippers. I went with 10 work friends, male and female, married and single, young and old. We had a ball. Some of us took a helicopter ride down into the Grand Canyon and had a Champagne picnic down there. Some went to see Celine Dion. We went to the old town and I danced on the bar ( coyote ugly style) We played blackjack but just for fun, drank, ate and just had good fun. Vegas has lots to offer. You don't need to go to Vegas to see a stripper.

it's his birthday, not yours.

For my dh's 40th, I got him a weekend abroad with his best mate.

I really don't see the problem. Why shouldn't he have fun?

The snide comments about prostitues and escorts say far more about the ones saying it. There is zero evidence that he wants to do that.

It's obviously about more than the birthday. On its own, its a bit thoughtless if he hasn't talked it over with you, just presented it as a fait accompli. However, being away on the actual day isn't really a big deal - as a grown up he/you can celebrate on a different day.

Vegas is definitely more suitable for a boys trip than a family holiday so I can see why, if it's a dream of his to go there, he would go for his 40th and with his mates.

FWIW I went away with DP for my 40th and had a little celebration with the DCs before I went. I don't think they were too bothered that I wasn't around on the arbitrary date, especially as it was midweek and they were at school.

For DP's 40th we went away the week before as that was the only time
we could get someone to look after the DCs. Then for the actual day he went away with his DCs and friends, which we'd discussed. I was welcome to come along too but preferred not to, so happily waved him off. Our celebration was the previous week.

However, we have a respectful and loving relationship and 99% of the time we consider each other and involve each other. It sounds like this is not the case for you, so Vegas with the lads is a symptom of something much bigger.

Completely selfish. Can't he just go on a lads night out in old Blighty ffs!

Vegas is great! And I speak as a very light drinker who doesn't gamble. The shows are incredible, they have exhibitions that tour internationally, the restaurants are brilliant, the weather is lovely (as long as you go at the right time). The Grand Canyon is a day trip away. I would go again in a heartbeat.

No way is it just drinking, gambling and strippers.

The trip alone and being away on his actual birthday I don't see the issue with. It's just a day, you can do something before or after he goes. Personally if I had a long-term partner I lived with, I'd equally prioritise spending time away from them with friends as I would doing things with the partner, because I can see my partner every night when I go home! I know not everyone holds this view though and it has caused arguments in previous relationships with people who expected me to want to do everything with them.

But we don't know your husband - is he simply a guy who likes to spend time with his mates whereas you're more of the opinion that family should always be the first choice to do stuff with? Or is he actually repeatedly selfish and leaves you home with the kids with no discussion? Do you get equal opportunities to go away with friends and do your own thing? If you don't, and this is the latest in a long line of examples of him assuming you'll facilitate his social life while never doing the same for you, I can see why you're pissed off

Vegas is shite, like a huge shopping centre full of wannabe club 18-30s - everyone trying to rip you off or short-change you, cards handed out every 5 metres for 'girls in your room'. I guess if you haven't been to America before it's a novelty but there are much better places!

(If you like shows you might like it I guess - not my thing)

DH is currently away just him and a friend for friend's 40th. However I'm sure friend discussed it with his DW first.
It sounds like your DH's lack of respect in presenting it as a fait acompli is the issue here.

What would he say if you said that for your next birthday you want the same budget to go away and party with your friends for the same amount of time while he stayed at home and looked after the dc. Maybe even say you want to go to Vegas to and then watch his face very carefully...

If he says an instant fine then that's the first hurdle over.

If there is any hint of panic or disgust or worry or anger etc then means he is planning something he doesn't want you to know about and/or do the same so time to worry and investigate more.

And if he says that you can't go as you (both) can't afford it then the next question is why not if he can (assuming you didn't have a big blow out on something this year!!). And if there is no good reason (highly unlikely to be a good reason) then set a joint budget and get half each. If that gets you both a weekend in venice then that's what it is - he can't have Vegas while you get left with Blackpool!

Hmmm why are all these blokes so keen to not bring partners?

I can only guess

Wouldn’t bother me. I also wouldn’t assume it meant I was less of a priority just more than going to Vegas with mates will be more fun.