to feel that my friend should not ignore me when her daughter talks to her?

[theramengirl]

'S' is a good friend and I like spending time with her. Our husbands are work colleagues, and we met during a work party some years back and since then, we have become friends.

I have severe anxiety issues and don't make friends easily, so I value S as a friend, she is an intelligent woman with a sharp wit. I often drop in at her place and we chat, but whenever her DD(7) pops into the room to ask her something, S stops our conversation mid-way and gives full attention to her DD (usually it is something trivial, like, Mom why is the sky blue). Same happens when I am speaking... I will be saying in the middle of a great anecdote or argument, and if her DD pops in with a question, poof! S disappears, just leaves me, hanging in mid-air, and talks to her DD.

This has happened several times. In and outside our homes. Last xmas, our families vacationed together and S just ignored me during lunch and dinner, chatting to her daughter. Our husbands were discussing work, and I had to be content with looking at my mobile, for the better part of an hour. Meals were the only time we all spent together as a group, so I was confused... I mean, why agree for a holiday with friends if you are only going to hang out with your kid?

AIBU to feel annoyed by this? Or am I just being stupid, that parents would of course have to put their kids first? I love kids but I just don't think they should be given top priority during adult socializing time. I am curious to know what MN thinks.

Not sure if this is relevant, but just adding them;
a) S had her baby late after a long struggle with IVF. She gave up a high profile job to be a full time mother.
b) I and my husband are child free by choice and S knows this. I work full time and have limited contact with children.

the thing about her dd being "hurt" to find that mum and dad had gone out for a drink without her in the evening, when she was in bed, though, makes me

It's not hurt so much as scared. Waking in a strange place without parents can throw some children.
One of mine wouldn't have worried, one would have been delighted and used it to have a long conversation, and one would have been quite upset and distressed. Only she knows how her dd would react. But I wouldn't have done it for the latter child, but been fine doing it with the first. The other one it would depend on whether she needed a full night's sleep at that point, or how the friends would cope with a chatty, excited child.
If the friends had shown signs of finding them irritating, then I wouldn't have left the middle one either, as it wouldn't be fair on either.

Duckbilled, I think you must be wilfully misreading the OP's posts if you think she has a problem with her friend's 7 year old "wanting to talk to her occasionally".

And now it's crystal clear why so many young people growing up are so entitled, rude and expect everything to revolve around them.

Some of these replies are shocking! YANBU OP.

Honestly Ramen, don't worry get so upset or frustrated . I really don't think she means to be rude.
If she was that type of person, I get the feeling you really wouldn't be friends with her anyway, more issues than this would have cropped up.
hope you manage to talk it out and get it sorted.

This is why childfree time is so important - you need to use social time with children to help them understand how conversation works - you need to take part in this.
It's not cut and dried that anyone gets "priority" - there is a natural give and take and small children don't know how to do it. they can't learn without being given a decent chance. This does change the content and flow of grown up conversation - and you need time to see your friends when the children aren't there, too.

If your friend doesn't think this childfree time with you matters, maybe she isn't really your friend. Or maybe she's one of those people who are really confused about child-centredness. In my view, you need to be reasonably child centred when children are there AND FOR EXACTLY THIS REASON you need time when they are not. Because it just isn't the same.

First time they offered while we were all together at the pool, S refused saying, she preferred to catch up with her DD. Second time her hubby did babysit, and she went to the spa (I was not told about this until later - guess it was a private arrangement between them).

Someone who refuses to spend any time alone with me is not someone I'd want to be friends with.

She sounds obsessed with her dd, which is unhealthy. Does she have other friends? Does she do the same to them?

Duckbilled

A child who is on holiday and has no other children in the group to keep them occupied is bound to want her mum to talk to her occasionally. It sounds from the post as if your friend gave her quick full attention so that she was satisfied and went back to entertaining herself, rather than creating a situation.

Surely she would have invited OP to the spa with her when she went on her own?

That's right Findo Gask. I set out to "wilfully" misread. LOL

Yanbu and I'm shocked at the people excusing it though it might explain why a lot of children have poor manners! It is rude of your friend to stop mid sentence and by 7 the child should no not to interrupt unless it can't wait for some reason.
If my kids want to speak while I'm speaking I take their hand to let them know I'be noticed them. If they keep interrupting I will ask them if it's important and if not ask them to wait while I finish speaking with my friend then when there's a pause in the conversation I ask them what they want.
I would then include both of you in the conversation until the dc goes back to play.
A 2 year old who hasn't learned not to interrupt I would see to straight away but not at 7. She must know it's rude as she wouldn't be thanked for interrupting a conversation between 2 of her teachers with no good reason for eg.
I would stick to meeting your friend child free from now on op.

S sounds like a terrible bore, to me, and as though she prefers it just being her and her daughter. It was very rude of her husband to leave her to look after their child on holiday and monopolise your husband, but then again if S plays the mummy martyr with him as well maybe it's understandable. What I don't get though, is why after one deadly meal like that you didn't say to your own husband, don't you dare leave me sitting there like a lemon while you talk about things you know I'm not interested in again. I definitely wouldn't go on holiday with this family again if I were you, you just don't fit together.
Having said that, you do come across as very serious and earnest- understanding that the men wanted to talk technology and thinking that would be fine because you could talk careers with S. A lot of people want to forget about work when they're on holiday- could that have been why S was avoiding you?

"That's right Findo Gask. I set out to "wilfully" misread. LOL"

In that case then, perhaps you can show me where the OP says she doesn't want her friend's daughter to talk to her occasionally, as I seem to have missed it?

I hate it when children are allowed to interrupt adult conversations. So rude.
It's a bit sobering how many people find it acceptable to allow their children to do so.

Well she does say that she goes when the babysitter is there because she wants an 'undisturbed conversation' and that because the DD is shy she no longer tries to engage with her.

*S's DD is a nice kid but very shy
Yep. This is why I do it, my DS has ASD and is very shy so if he interrupts a conversation I’m giving all my attention to him. Couldn’t care less how rude some may find it, my priority is on encouraging my son to talk & building his confidence, not telling him at a moment he’s decided to speak that it can wait. There are plenty of adults who tune out kids when they’re speaking or just plain ignore them & I think that’s rude.

Ramen your doing nothing wrong.
This is just a mum who is very invested in her child, and doesn't realise that the way she is coming across excludes the other person present.

Take heart this child will gain friends, and have playdays when if you wish to visit and keep your friend company you will find the DD is occupied.

Maybe you could ask your friend to lunch during School time, so you can help her with the work plans. Also the same meet during work once she returns restarts, and continue your friendship this way.

There are plenty of adults who tune out kids when they’re speaking or just plain ignore them & I think that’s rude.

It's also just plain rude for a child to interrupt an adult when they are speaking and children need to be taught that. Otherwise what sort of adult will they become?

Stop bashing poster she's asking for advice yes she is child free so bashing her cause she doesn't know rules etc is Abit shit she looks after her nephew and has great relationship she is saying she tries to do the same with the little girl but she's shy and obvs asked us some suggestions on how to handle the and she was not saying I expect her to ignore the child she is complaining about how get friend deals with it i.e they are in convo and she just drops off tends to daughter she isn't saying give me a sec I have kids one at 7 and he knows not to interrupt adults when talking my friend just stops mid convo and u forget were u were in convo and u never get to finish what ure talking about and as for her sitting on fone at table instead of joining in a convo with mum and daughter no no no this lady was being ignored by everyone at this table u don't go on holiday arrange dinner and spend the whole time talking and entertaining a 7 year old who is in school so doesn't need entertained the whole dinner that's rude but so we're the men ure friend is wrapped up in mummy duty so there not alot u can do to change this do not do joint holiday again as she didn't care for u that day and try going out with her one on one adult time but what is au pair doing can she not look after her while use talk as thants her job is it not I no longer bother with my other friend with the rudeness of leaving me hanging and not saying give me a sec and u forget what I were u never get a full convo s no point going to hers as it annoys me and she constantly goes from room to room and u have to follow her I get stressed and want to go also I hate people who u are there to see and they sit on mobile and ignore u what is the point in visiting but u need to find out more about the little girl and try get involved I've always went out my way to get to knoe my friends kids as I would want them to do the same for mine she's shy so why don't u ask friend if there is anything u can do to help her get to know u better and for her not to be shy but ure friend has other priorities now just stick to going out with her as u 2 or ure husband and see how she is then if she's interested in if not maybe u have drifted apart and don't have much in common the now u would say it's ure friend that's is being like this not the kid u don't arrange to go there when au pair is on to talk to 7 year old all the time xx