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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel that my friend should not ignore me when her daughter talks to her?

217 replies

theramengirl · 26/01/2018 11:13

'S' is a good friend and I like spending time with her. Our husbands are work colleagues, and we met during a work party some years back and since then, we have become friends.

I have severe anxiety issues and don't make friends easily, so I value S as a friend, she is an intelligent woman with a sharp wit. I often drop in at her place and we chat, but whenever her DD(7) pops into the room to ask her something, S stops our conversation mid-way and gives full attention to her DD (usually it is something trivial, like, Mom why is the sky blue). Same happens when I am speaking... I will be saying in the middle of a great anecdote or argument, and if her DD pops in with a question, poof! S disappears, just leaves me, hanging in mid-air, and talks to her DD.

This has happened several times. In and outside our homes. Last xmas, our families vacationed together and S just ignored me during lunch and dinner, chatting to her daughter. Our husbands were discussing work, and I had to be content with looking at my mobile, for the better part of an hour. Meals were the only time we all spent together as a group, so I was confused... I mean, why agree for a holiday with friends if you are only going to hang out with your kid?

AIBU to feel annoyed by this? Or am I just being stupid, that parents would of course have to put their kids first? I love kids but I just don't think they should be given top priority during adult socializing time. I am curious to know what MN thinks.

Not sure if this is relevant, but just adding them;
a) S had her baby late after a long struggle with IVF. She gave up a high profile job to be a full time mother.
b) I and my husband are child free by choice and S knows this. I work full time and have limited contact with children.

OP posts:
Subtleconstraints · 26/01/2018 11:55

Op not ip!

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 26/01/2018 11:57

I also think it gives children a bad lesson in coping day to day.

At what age do people think it's ok for them to learn to wait?

10? 13? 17?

The OP's DD is SEVEN! Not two...in a few years she'll be almost a teen and I can tell you now, people take less kindly to rude teenagers.

Greensleeves · 26/01/2018 11:58

CheapSausages, I agree they should learn to wait their turn. Nobody wants a child rudely butting in every five minutes with no regard for the rules of conversation. But they have to learn those rules somehow. They have to be included and treated like human beings who matter and have a voice, otherwise they will never get the hang of converational give-and-take. And if the conversation is actually unsuitable for their ears, you shouldn't be having it near them.

Original poster
theramengirl · 26/01/2018 11:58

Also, You don't have kids so don't quite get it, you cannot completely ignore the child

Sigh. I know that a child cannot be completely ignored. I know that. My question was different. I just expect to be given some courtesy. During home visits, a single sentence - just give me a minute, Ramen, let me see what my DD wants.

During the vacation lunch - Hey, I have to entertain DD here during lunch, may be we can catch up later? Instead she just conversed with her daughter for 45 minutes, while I just sat there, looking at them and at my mobile, and yeah at my food too, I guess. I tried to be a part of their conversation, but it was just not happening. Jeez, I don't know how to recreate that experience in words.

OP posts:
mrsharrison · 26/01/2018 12:02

This little girl is shy but fine with the nanny because she gets her undivided attention.
Next time you turn up spend just five minutes giving her your attention and maybe bring her a little toy as you did before.
Maybe she resents sharing her mum with you?
Just keep trying with her.
I've done it with my friend's kids and now they ask mum "when is mrsharrison coming over". Although I'm not a maternal type I think they're hilarious now I've got to know them.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 26/01/2018 12:03

Green of course they have to converse too.

But in the time allotted to them and NOT when my friends are visiting ME.

I don't shove into their playdates with my concerns. Grin

Just imagining that scenario.

"I waaant a glasss of wiiinee and a toooblerooone!"

IHeartKingThistle · 26/01/2018 12:03

I hate it too OP and my kids are taught not to interrupt unless someone's bleeding Grin

I don't ignore them but there's definitely a better way to do it than your friend is doing.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 26/01/2018 12:04

Oh...and as for conversations not suitable for them....I'm talking politics or women's rights....things they need to have explained in different language.

When I choose to.

Not when I'm discussing them.

Greensleeves · 26/01/2018 12:06

But you're not a chid who needs to learn the etiquette of social interaction, are you? You don't need them to get you a glass of wine. I think it's realy weird to say to your child "I am unavailable to you for the next X hours while Y is here, because Adults Are Talking." Anti-social and realy not very pleasant, and doesn't teach children how adult conversations work, when it is appropriate to speak, how to respond appropriately to questions etc. They learn that by modelling and being included, not sent out of the way like pets.

WombatChocolate · 26/01/2018 12:06

I think this is very common. Its understandable with toddlers, but quite rude when its older children and not doing them any favours to not learn to wait.
Of course parents won't be in a room with their child and ignore them for ages, or if there's a n important need response d immediately and yes conversations often involve everyone and need to. The amount of quality conversation you are likely to get with 7 year around is like!y to be small but I think you can expect some.

These days lits of people think children of any age take priority and it is close to neglect to ask them to wait.

Your friend probably isn't even aware she's doing it. To be honest I probably wouldn't broach it because people are so touchy about their kids. If necessary you could simply say you'd love tobeable to have a long chat with her. You do have to accept some compromise when children are around and if youbdo t have kids or are very anxious, your espectations might be a bit too high.

Generally thoughbi do t think you are being unreasonable and a 7 year old should know to not interrupt over minor things but be able to wait a little while. They need to learn at some poi t and 7 is old enough to be starting and getting g there for short periods.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/01/2018 12:06

God, I wouldn't let my child interrupt a conversation I was having with a friend for some random interjection like that, how mannerless!

I would ask my DS to wait a moment, that Friend is speaking and they must wait their turn UNLESS it is Very Important and Urgent (like they need the loo or feel sick or someone has hurt them).

My children are not ignored but neither do they expect me to drop everything as soon as they open their mouths (well actually they do but I'm teaching them that it doesn't work that way because hey, the world does not revolve around them or every word they say!)

zzzzz · 26/01/2018 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KimmySchmidt1 · 26/01/2018 12:07

Tough. Take it or leave it.

KERALA1 · 26/01/2018 12:08

When our friendship group with 7 plus age kids get together we are rather too far the other way Blush

Kids know now unless a leg is hanging off they need to entertain themselves

Chaosofcalm · 26/01/2018 12:09

It was very rude of you to get your phone out at the table.

RoseWhiteTips · 26/01/2018 12:09

Not all children interrupt adult conversation. However, children who have not been taught that this is rude, do.

Parents who break off conversation with an adult to answer some inane query from an attention seeking child, for the umpteenth time, are also being extremely rude.

RoseWhiteTips · 26/01/2018 12:11

Chaosofcalm

It was very rude of you to get your phone out at the table.

What utter rot. The OP was being ignored by everyone else. Do you think thumb twiddling would have been more acceptable?

Original poster
theramengirl · 26/01/2018 12:11

Thanks for all your comments and suggestions and perspectives. I have just caught up all the responses and have realised two things:

I will not talk bring this up with S. I don't want to fall out with her because it looks like some folks can take offence very easily when their kids are concerned and S might be in this group and I might lose her if I talk to her about this! I will try to curb my irritation when my friend continuously leaves me hanging in mid air.

Second, no more holidays with S. Win-win situation, I think, for everyone concerned.

OP posts:
hettie · 26/01/2018 12:11

My kids (7 and 10) have a fire and gushing blood rule. Events that involve either give you cause to interupt, other than that you wait the 60 seconds (2 min tops) it will take me to finish my sentence and turn my attention to your needs.
Btw they still interupt all the time less on a good day they are just told "you are interupting, I am talking just wait..." Social interaction is an important skill.....

Helllllooooooo · 26/01/2018 12:11

I don’t bring my dc to interrupt conversations and at 7 I think this child is old enough to be told to wait a second.
Perhaps try working on including your friends daughter in conversation or an activity and show your friend the child can be included.
I would then be cheeky and say “sorry “Suzie” me and Mummy are just talking one min sweetie” once every few weeks to break them both in.

I do find first children and lone children are pampered too and given an easy ride

Sprinklestar · 26/01/2018 12:12

This is so weird! You sound like a jealous child yourself - upset that you have to share your BFF. Get over yourself! She’s always going to like her own child more than you!

DogsFoxes · 26/01/2018 12:12

Of course 7 year olds should be taught not to interrupt and can wait. But not if they are not included in any conversation throughout a whole meal, or indeed a whole holiday!

I really feel for OPs friend/the mum in this situation. She was expected to converse with her daughter and her friend at the same time, but sepatately. I bet she had an awful holiday

Helllllooooooo · 26/01/2018 12:12

SOME** first and lone children

RoseWhiteTips · 26/01/2018 12:13

Sent out of the way like pets? Wow.

Proudmummytodc2 · 26/01/2018 12:14

I haven't RTFT

But I think if child is present at meal you should lol be including child in to the conversation she's old enough.

But I think with regard to mid sentence interrupting the daughter needs to be told.

My DS is 6 and DD is 4 and if I'm speaking they know to say "Mum" to get my attention and I say "I will just be a minute sweetie as I was already speaking" (as long as I am tell it's not emergency) and I finish what I was saying then attend to them they know it's not good manners to speak over someone who is already speaking. They are quiet capable of waiting the whole 20 seconds it takes me to finish what I was saying.

It's just manners really it's rude to speak over people you wouldn't accept an adult doing it so don't teach children to do it as it's rude.