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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel that my friend should not ignore me when her daughter talks to her?

217 replies

theramengirl · 26/01/2018 11:13

'S' is a good friend and I like spending time with her. Our husbands are work colleagues, and we met during a work party some years back and since then, we have become friends.

I have severe anxiety issues and don't make friends easily, so I value S as a friend, she is an intelligent woman with a sharp wit. I often drop in at her place and we chat, but whenever her DD(7) pops into the room to ask her something, S stops our conversation mid-way and gives full attention to her DD (usually it is something trivial, like, Mom why is the sky blue). Same happens when I am speaking... I will be saying in the middle of a great anecdote or argument, and if her DD pops in with a question, poof! S disappears, just leaves me, hanging in mid-air, and talks to her DD.

This has happened several times. In and outside our homes. Last xmas, our families vacationed together and S just ignored me during lunch and dinner, chatting to her daughter. Our husbands were discussing work, and I had to be content with looking at my mobile, for the better part of an hour. Meals were the only time we all spent together as a group, so I was confused... I mean, why agree for a holiday with friends if you are only going to hang out with your kid?

AIBU to feel annoyed by this? Or am I just being stupid, that parents would of course have to put their kids first? I love kids but I just don't think they should be given top priority during adult socializing time. I am curious to know what MN thinks.

Not sure if this is relevant, but just adding them;
a) S had her baby late after a long struggle with IVF. She gave up a high profile job to be a full time mother.
b) I and my husband are child free by choice and S knows this. I work full time and have limited contact with children.

OP posts:
Original poster
theramengirl · 26/01/2018 11:38

You looked at your mobile phone during xmas lunch and dinner but you think your friend is being the rude one?

None of us in the group belong to Christian faith.

OP posts:
TealStar · 26/01/2018 11:40

I think you’re getting a hard time here OP.

Children are of course massively important to their parents, and making them feel listened to and loved is a good thing. However making them understand that the world does not revolve around them and that waiting to speak and not interrupting is also important for their social skills.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/01/2018 11:40

Also, You don't have kids so don't quite get it, you cannot completely ignore the child, they are there, and she and them come as a package. But yes, she should tell the child to wait a moment, if they are interrupting, very difficult with a younger child.

WaggyMama · 26/01/2018 11:40

It is rude to ignore you through a whole meal. Are some people reading a different thread?

Nothing wrong with saying "just one moment darling I'm just talking "

TealStar · 26/01/2018 11:41

Op, looking at a mobile whilstvsitting with others around a meal table is sloppy mannered and impolite, and nothing to do with faith.

llangennith · 26/01/2018 11:43

Maybe find some others childless friends? Or only meet up with this friend away from home so she can come alone and give you her undivided attention?

Original poster
theramengirl · 26/01/2018 11:44

At 7 children really are a dream to chat to... by the way a child rushing to meet you and hug you when you arrive is a lovely thing.

I have experienced this! I have an 8 year old nephew whom I love. He is a riot, a complete Tasmanian devil, lol, and I just love babysitting him. May be that's why I find it hard to engage with S's DD, I have no experience with shy, reserved kids.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 26/01/2018 11:45

I think there needs to be a bit of give and take. i would have said "just hold on a moment, X is talking" and then turned my attention to the child once you had finished, dealt with whatever it was, then responded to you.

I think from your description of the holiday/lunch though, you need to change you attitude a bit too. You could have joined in the conversation and got to know her daughter a bit better instead of sulking on your phone. You can't expect a child to just sit quietly in between two adult conversations, everyone needs to be incuded, and you could have been if you had been a bit more open-minded. Lose the "child-free by choice" chip on your shoulder and just treat all human beings with interest and respect.

Original poster
theramengirl · 26/01/2018 11:47

Op, looking at a mobile whilstvsitting with others around a meal table is sloppy mannered and impolite, and nothing to do with faith.

It was either that, or leave the table. As I had mentioned in my post, our husbands were discussing work stuff (I don't work with them so I could not join), and S was having a private conversation with her child about her school and school friends, nothing I can really join in.

OP posts:
taskmaster · 26/01/2018 11:47

Last xmas, our families vacationed together and S just ignored me during lunch and dinner, chatting to her daughter. Our husbands were discussing work, and I had to be content with looking at my mobile, for the better part of an hour. Meals were the only time we all spent together as a group, so I was confused... I mean, why agree for a holiday with friends if you are only going to hang out with your kid?

You expected her to talk to you and ignore her kid, because you couldn;t be arsed to join in either of the two conversations going in at the dinner table?
Looking at your phone during a meal is rude on any day, no matter what religion you are Hmm

sadie9 · 26/01/2018 11:48

I would feel that children have the same 'value' as adults. Could you not join in the discussion with her daughter as well? This person although she is only 7 years old, deserves to be included in the meal as much as you or anyone else there. It's not a 'her or me' issue. The 7 year old is a person not a lesser 'thing' that has to be sidelined off somewhere.
You were jealous and annoyed you weren't getting the full attention.

Subtleconstraints · 26/01/2018 11:48

Op, I think you are being a tiny bit unreasonable here to be blunt. As with most things in life, there is a balance to be struck.

Children should definitely be taught to not interrupt and you should make an effort to include the child in the conversation and not monopolise the mother's conversation either.

You say you think children shouldn't be given top priority during adult social time but surely they have a right to equal priority? (Are you sure you didn't sit at the lunch table and not attempt conversation?) Next time , why don't you try talking to the child as well?

And frankly, if you drop in on your friend and daughter spontaneously then it's a bit much to expect them to drop what they were doing and focus exclusively on you every time.

It is irritating when DC constantly interrupt and they should be taught not to do so, but children are individual people too, not some sort of lesser creature who should be locked away in a box!

Original poster
theramengirl · 26/01/2018 11:50

You could have joined in the conversation and got to know her daughter a bit better instead of sulking on your phone.

This is going a bit off topic, but still, I will answer. I did try to engage. I did try to talk, and include myself in the conversation. My friend's DD did not reply to me, she replied to her mother, and her mother also replied back to her daughter, with no scope for me to include anything suitable in that conversation. After 10 minutes of this awkwardness, it looked like my mobile would be a better alternative, so I gave up.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 26/01/2018 11:50

My "child-free by choice" best friend would have known everything about my dc's school friends etc by the end of that lunch, and they would have known more about her, and we would all have had a laugh together, with me reminding the kids not to interrupt as necessary.

Original poster
theramengirl · 26/01/2018 11:51

And frankly, if you drop in on your friend and daughter spontaneously then it's a bit much to expect them to drop what they were doing

I never said I dropped in spontaneously. I would not dream of doing that.

OP posts:
Argeles · 26/01/2018 11:51

It annoys me when people do this too. I always try not to do this with my DD.

Since becoming a mother, I’ve been stunned and severely pissed off at the lack of attention and rudeness I now receive from others. I know my DD is far more cute and interesting than I am, but I can be in the middle of a conversation when my DD will say/do something, and immediately it’s like I don’t exist, as my DH/Mum/Dad etc give her their full undivided attention.

I try to get back to my conversation, but it’s usually impossible, as either I’ve forgotten what I was talking about after this has happened a few times in a row, or because the person I’ve been talking to hasn’t got a clue what I was talking about. They often don’t even remember that I was talking, and they just start talking about something else, or just continue to do things with my DD. It really upsets and offends me, and I have spoken to them all about it numerous times, but it still happens. It even happens when I’m talking about really serious matters.

I have stopped taking my DD out when I meet my friend, as I was sick of this happening. I’d really look forward to catching up, then feel like a spare part. I hardly get to see her now, as I have to slot in seeing her when my DH can look after her, which isn’t very often due to work commitments, but I prefer it that way. At least I get to talk and feel listened to.

Thymeout · 26/01/2018 11:52

I do think a 7r old should be taught not to interrupt conversations, whether it's an adult or another child. They're not allowed to do that at school. It's doing them no favours to let them do it at home.

If the mother has a guest, it's only polite to apologise for breaking off the conversation, if she has to deal with her child. I've had a similar experience with a friend who used to invite me to lunch and everything came to a halt whenever her dd said anything. I felt I had been invited to admire the child, not to catch up with my friend. I had 3 dcs of my own, not present at the lunch, and the constant interruptions did seem v rude.

TealStar · 26/01/2018 11:53

In that case op, I would find other friends to hang out with and let this friendship slide. It Was inconsiderate of your friend to ignore you at the table, in fact as she was the Lynch pin between you and her dd it was actually her role to engage you both in conversation. Tbh I think she sounds a bit blinkered and boring so I would let this friendship fade and focus on other things.

thecatsthecats · 26/01/2018 11:54

I have a tiny bit of sympathy in the meal situation. I hate it when people ignore the fact that someone is completely left out of a conversation and it goes on for a long time (example: I was seeing friends, both keen skiers, and both went on for about 30m talking about skiing, one especially persistent not-getting-a-word-in-edgeways type). I mean, it's bad conversationalism at the very least!

I always try to break up conversation if it becomes fixated on a narrow topid and someone is left out.

But... you don't seem to get that her child is too old to be left out, and can easily be included too in the meal situation. A toddler might only need a toy or drawing to distract them, but a seven year old will certainly want to be involved, and will no more enjoy feeling like a numpty left out than you would.

TealStar · 26/01/2018 11:54

Excuse caps, the mysteries of autocorrect.

Spartaca · 26/01/2018 11:54

Why is it ok for the husbands to chat but not the daughter?

Tbh, my daughter is the same age and isn't a fan of strangers/non family members until she has known them a while. Not a bad characteristic. In this circumstance I tend to ask if it is urgent, like needing the loo or whatever and if it isn't I ask them to hold on a sec.

KERALA1 · 26/01/2018 11:54

Yanbu I think it's rude (my dds a little older but not much).

Different with a toddler they often need immediate attention but not a 7 year old. It's a balance though she shouldn't ignore her dd for you but sounds like abit too far the other way.

Greensleeves · 26/01/2018 11:55

It sounds as though there is a bit of a clash then, because both you and the dd are a bit shy and reserved. Maybe you coud talk to S about this and say you felt a bit left out at the meal and you would like to break the ice between you and the dd so that you can all communicate together better? I think if the friendship is going to work (which of course it should!) you will have to take the lead in resolving this. The 7yo isn't going to.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 26/01/2018 11:55

OP I am with you.

I HATE it when people do this. I have two children and they've been taught to wait.

unless it's an emergency (injury or similar) in which case they must say "Excuse me...sorry to interrupt but..."

My MIL does it, my best mate does it.

And as for the poster who said "If the child is present you need to ensure that conversation includes the child."

What tosh! Children don't automatically get to join in adult conversations.

Nope!

Not all conversations are suitable for them.

Subtleconstraints · 26/01/2018 11:55

Fair enough IP, it took me so long to type out npmy post on tiny tablet thing that I missed the bit about you visiting only when a baby-sitter was present.

If that's the case, why don't you go out with your friend?