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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel that my friend should not ignore me when her daughter talks to her?

217 replies

theramengirl · 26/01/2018 11:13

'S' is a good friend and I like spending time with her. Our husbands are work colleagues, and we met during a work party some years back and since then, we have become friends.

I have severe anxiety issues and don't make friends easily, so I value S as a friend, she is an intelligent woman with a sharp wit. I often drop in at her place and we chat, but whenever her DD(7) pops into the room to ask her something, S stops our conversation mid-way and gives full attention to her DD (usually it is something trivial, like, Mom why is the sky blue). Same happens when I am speaking... I will be saying in the middle of a great anecdote or argument, and if her DD pops in with a question, poof! S disappears, just leaves me, hanging in mid-air, and talks to her DD.

This has happened several times. In and outside our homes. Last xmas, our families vacationed together and S just ignored me during lunch and dinner, chatting to her daughter. Our husbands were discussing work, and I had to be content with looking at my mobile, for the better part of an hour. Meals were the only time we all spent together as a group, so I was confused... I mean, why agree for a holiday with friends if you are only going to hang out with your kid?

AIBU to feel annoyed by this? Or am I just being stupid, that parents would of course have to put their kids first? I love kids but I just don't think they should be given top priority during adult socializing time. I am curious to know what MN thinks.

Not sure if this is relevant, but just adding them;
a) S had her baby late after a long struggle with IVF. She gave up a high profile job to be a full time mother.
b) I and my husband are child free by choice and S knows this. I work full time and have limited contact with children.

OP posts:
Spartaca · 26/01/2018 12:15

I still don't get why it was ok for the husbands to exclude you, but rude of her to include child.

lurkingnotlurking · 26/01/2018 12:15

I've got young children. I'd love to be able to hold a conversation uninterrupted. I recognise the limitations of trying to do this. But at the same time I think your friend is being rude.

RoseWhiteTips · 26/01/2018 12:15

Definitely no more holidays with her. Good plan. Much more acceptable to holiday with people who do not thing the planet revolves around their snowflakes.

Hmm
mirime · 26/01/2018 12:15

YANB completely U. DS is four and a half, if he interrupts I tell him he needs to say 'excuse me' and that 'I'm talking to so-and-so, please wait a minute' or words to that effect.

I wouldn't make him wait ages, but I do try to let whoever I'm talking to finish their sentence.

RoseWhiteTips · 26/01/2018 12:16

That emoticon is trying to eye-roll.
Lol

RoseWhiteTips · 26/01/2018 12:17

... do not think

SaucyJack · 26/01/2018 12:17

"As I had mentioned in my post, our husbands were discussing work stuff (I don't work with them so I could not join)"

So why not be pissed off with your husband for ignoring you?

Why are your husband's colleague's wife and child getting the blame for you having had a shitty holiday.

It was poor planning from the start to go away as a small group of 5 when you and the child can't or won't get on. I don't blame the mum for not ignoring her kid on Xmas day just to entertain you tho TBH.

Helllllooooooo · 26/01/2018 12:17

Do you have a child of similar age you can borrow and take with you to entertain her child?

Tiddler7 · 26/01/2018 12:17

Even my 4yo knows that I will ask her to wait a minute if she wants something and I am talking to someone. Do you lot like when somebody interrupts your conversation? I don't think it's making children unimportant. It's manners.

DogsFoxes · 26/01/2018 12:17

And, you dont seem to consider your DH or the other DH rude, for not including you?? Only the mum, trying to entertain a 7 year old child? The men could have included you. They could have entertained the dd so that you and her mum could talk uninterrupted. Or the childs dad could have, so that the 3 of you could talk

MyBrilliantDisguise · 26/01/2018 12:18

I would be giving a very irritated look when that happened, I'm afraid.

Seven year olds are old enough to know not to interrupt and, if they do, they won't get immediate attention unless it's urgent. They know they wouldn't want their mum interrupting their play with friends and that that works vice versa.

It's difficult re the xmas lunch - were there just five of you at the table? If that was the case then everyone was rude to not include you. Your husband was equally bad, just as her husband was. I would be mortified if a guest was being completely ignored.

livefornaps · 26/01/2018 12:18

When I was a kid one of the most important things I learned was that adults had the right to frequently ignore you.

It taught me that i was not the centre of the universe and that my parents had the right to a life besides me.

This child sounds a bit mollycoddled. People saying "of course she likes her child more than you!" are being willfully stupid. You have the right to be annoyed, OP.

DogsFoxes · 26/01/2018 12:18

Great minds saucy

Greensleeves · 26/01/2018 12:20

Nobody is saying the planet should revolve around her ("snowflake" is a really hackneyed and unimaginative insult btw)

Pretty much every poster has agreed that by 7yo a child should know not to butt in and interrupt, and can be told "Wait a moment please, X is talking and I am listening to her"

But if a child doesn't know this, it may well be because they haven't been included in enough conversations to be taught the correct etiquette for that type of social interaction - that you listen, you wait your turn, and you respond appropriately. Being put in another room and told "I don't want to see you unless there's blood" doesn't teach them appropriate conversational behaviour.

Bluntness100 · 26/01/2018 12:21

I'm at a total loss why you feel it's ok for your husbands to completely and utterly ignore and exclude you but for some reason the woman shouldn't.

If they wish to discuss work they should find another time, they were incredibly rude. It's your husband you should be talking to. Not your friend.

Helllllooooooo · 26/01/2018 12:21

It isn’t just the husbands or this holiday where this happened.

Mum and the dd do this when just the women meet up

Original poster
theramengirl · 26/01/2018 12:21

I really feel for OPs friend/the mum in this situation. She was expected to converse with her daughter and her friend at the same time, but sepatately. I bet she had an awful holiday.

I don't think so. Last day of the vacation, S told us all that she and her daughter had a lovely time spending time with each other, catching up. I, on the other hand, not so much. Any holiday is good of course, but with our husbands spending all their time at the pool table and casino, and my friend with her DD, I had to entertain myself. Again, I am not complaining - I love my own company, and I am glad I had the time off. But I thought when S agreed to this holiday with us, it would be as a group, for us 'ladies' - yes, I include the child too in this - to spend time with each other. Didn't realize what S had in mind was a holiday with her DD while going together as a group to make it cost effective!

OP posts:
DogsFoxes · 26/01/2018 12:21

Really, the dd wasnt interrupting was she. Her and her mum were having a conversation. It is OP who is sulking, because her efforts at interrupting got ignored

moochypooch · 26/01/2018 12:22

SIL is the same but her ds is 13! He runs into the room we are speaking in and interrupts and this happens frequently - she never tells him that he needs to wait, it's so rude and then she wonders why we don't want to spend time with her and her rude child, she says she's lonely and wants adult company but basic manners are lacking. I'm happy for her to ds all she wants, I'm happy for her to think I'm too dull to chat with - I'd prefer to be somewhere else too!

DogsFoxes · 26/01/2018 12:22

Your problem is with your husband OP

CottonGoods · 26/01/2018 12:22

If you and S are talking and her DD interrupts, her DD should be asked to wait. She should in fact know by the age of seven that she shouldn't just interrupt. However, it's different when you're all at the table on holiday together: this isn't 'adult time', and a seven year old can and should be included in the conversation. On the whole, they get bored and push off - at which point you can have your 'adult time'.

Helllllooooooo · 26/01/2018 12:24

Dogsfoxes wtf

lurkingnotlurking · 26/01/2018 12:24

I'm inclined to think your friendship has run its course, Op.

claraschu · 26/01/2018 12:25

At lunch, the husbands were just as rude as the child+mum duo. More rude, in my opinion, as presumably they were both old enough to know better.

The mum sounds like she doesn't have the balance right at the moment between getting the child to wait for a moment, sometimes including the child in adult social chat, giving the child attention, and helping the child learn to be friendly and make relationships with adults.

OP, if you want to help, you could include the child in your side of the conversation a bit more. When the child arrives and is about to interrupt, as a PP suggested you could take preemptive action: "Hi Suzie! I was just telling your mum about how I nearly crashed my car..listen to this...etc". You could also tell your friend that you worry that her daughter feels shy around you (somehow tactfully point out that you are excluded from their conversations) and ask her what you could do to break the ice: your friend may have suggestions, and might even take the hint.

GinIsIn · 26/01/2018 12:26

You have a husband problem, not a friend problem. If your husband ignores you all holiday in favour of the casino, it’s not up to your friend to fill the void.