to feel that my friend should not ignore me when her daughter talks to her?

[theramengirl]

'S' is a good friend and I like spending time with her. Our husbands are work colleagues, and we met during a work party some years back and since then, we have become friends.

I have severe anxiety issues and don't make friends easily, so I value S as a friend, she is an intelligent woman with a sharp wit. I often drop in at her place and we chat, but whenever her DD(7) pops into the room to ask her something, S stops our conversation mid-way and gives full attention to her DD (usually it is something trivial, like, Mom why is the sky blue). Same happens when I am speaking... I will be saying in the middle of a great anecdote or argument, and if her DD pops in with a question, poof! S disappears, just leaves me, hanging in mid-air, and talks to her DD.

This has happened several times. In and outside our homes. Last xmas, our families vacationed together and S just ignored me during lunch and dinner, chatting to her daughter. Our husbands were discussing work, and I had to be content with looking at my mobile, for the better part of an hour. Meals were the only time we all spent together as a group, so I was confused... I mean, why agree for a holiday with friends if you are only going to hang out with your kid?

AIBU to feel annoyed by this? Or am I just being stupid, that parents would of course have to put their kids first? I love kids but I just don't think they should be given top priority during adult socializing time. I am curious to know what MN thinks.

Not sure if this is relevant, but just adding them;
a) S had her baby late after a long struggle with IVF. She gave up a high profile job to be a full time mother.
b) I and my husband are child free by choice and S knows this. I work full time and have limited contact with children.

Yes to clarify, even if it’s not an important conversation the adults are having - ie more of a chat - I’d still tell my children to wait, unless I can resolve their question in a few seconds. If my child is asking me to play with them or do something for them I tell them to wait - unless they had already been waiting a long time or genuinely urgently needed help. and as per my earlier post I have only ever come across one mother who acted differently.

Id have been more gobsmaked tbh if he mum had not given 100% of her attention to her child in these circumstances - to her it was a family holiday that her husband had screwed up by inviting his mate

This is not the case. S and her husband proposed the entire xmas holiday plan in September. We accepted because we were thrilled to go with them, we don't have many friends, well not many friends who would want to go with us on a xmas holiday! There was intense Whatsapp conversations for three months, trying to short list place, hotel, activities. There is no truth in the assumption that S's husband invited my husband in their holiday.

OP YANBU I think it is rude to go from conversation to being ignored because someone else has come in (whether child or adult) and wants the other persons attention.

My DD is 9 and if I have friends over for a chat she knows that she can't just interrupt. If it's a life or death emergency she usually makes it known with a blood curdling scream from another part of the house is allowed to interrupt but has been taught to use "Sorry to interrupt but ..."

Otherwise, if she wants something she knows that she can come into the room but she must wait for a break in the conversation to say "Excuse me can I/you ..." and then I will excuse myself from the conversation with "Sorry I won't be a minute/do you mind?/I'll just do X and be right back"

'The girls' went to the spa and did shopping and read books in the afternoon. So? We all relax by our own preferred ways. I don't gamble, so I had no interest in joining the boys (they did invite me). DH ran this holiday plan by me and I approved it, because I thought it gave me enough time to do some girly stuff with S and get to know her kid in the afternoons
What you totally fail to understand, is that your friend got no downtime whatsoever. Relaxing with a 7 year old is not relaxing at all. Its a million miles away from relaxing like that child free. You were able to switch off. The men switched off EVERY afternoon. Your friend was on duty ALL the time

"I visit S usually once a month on my own, at the most twice a month at S's place (and one of these always with my husband for dinner, BY INVITATION), over the past two years."

Yes, exactly. You're invited with your husband because it's the men who are friends.

SaucyJack your maths needs help. If OP is invited twice a month, and one of those times is with her husband, then it follows that she is invited once a month on her own as well.

Lots of people not bothering to read what OP is writing.

And I can't people expected OP to sit at the dinner doing nothing while the men ignored the women and the friend rebuffed OP's attempts to join the conversation with her and her daughter.

I would get my mobile out too and go on Mumsnet in that situation.

If people are rude, they don't deserve consideration.

What you totally fail to understand, is that your friend got no downtime whatsoever. Relaxing with a 7 year old is not relaxing at all. Its a million miles away from relaxing like that child free. You were able to switch off. The men switched off EVERY afternoon. Your friend was on duty ALL the time.

Dogfoxes, this is a valid point. I agree.

The men did offer to babysit one afternoon so that S and I can catch up (it was a 5 day vacation together, and after than we left to different places for holiday). First time they offered while we were all together at the pool, S refused saying, she preferred to catch up with her DD. Second time her hubby did babysit, and she went to the spa (I was not told about this until later - guess it was a private arrangement between them).

Uh oh. Put it like that, it does sound like S did everything she could to avoid my company! Lesson learnt, really.

She is not your friend, OP.

It sounds like she wanted you there for cost saving purposes.

Can you join any groups to try and make other friends?

I know you've decided not to holiday with them in future op, but fwiw, when my DH and I holiday with other couples we always take their DC off their hands for a day (or an afternoon depending on their age) so the couple can have some alone time. It's a great way of engaging with and getting to know their DC.

So if you've only known her 2 years presumably she has always been this way? Rather than a longer friendship that changed when kids came along?

Yes, S has always been that way. I have tried over the past 2 years to understand and accept her blanking me every time her daughter interrupted us (and without fail, it happened, during the one hour I visited her). I guess the final straw was the holiday... which drive me to seek help from MN hivemind :)

I don't like it either OP and I have 3 young children. It annoys me intensely. Once - fair enough. Repeatedly, it is rude and a child should learn to wait.

Your friend is the issue, you were willing to converse with both but she made no effort to bring you into the conversation if her daughter was present. That's pretty rude and boring for you. The fact that the daughter is shy is even more reason for her to try and get her involved in conversations with other people. She could have invited you along on the afternoon activities too.

OP, having read al your posts, I don't think YABU here.

If anything, your friend is the rude one. She doesn't appear to be teaching her child not to interrupt; she and her DH proposed the holiday then largely left you on your own; and despite being the one inviting you round to catch up, she's dropping you mid sentence to give all her attention to her DD.

I can see in your posts that you tried to join in and engage the DD at times, but I can see why you've given up on this.

I know you've decided not to holiday with them in future op, but fwiw, when my DH and I holiday with other couples we always take their DC off their hands for a day (or an afternoon depending on their age) so the couple can have some alone time. It's a great way of engaging with and getting to know their DC.

We offered this option too! DH and I said to S, let us babysit your DD while you and your hubby can have a night out. They refused, politely. S said, if her DD suddenly awoke in the night came to know that her parents went out without her on a holiday while she was sleeping, she would be hurt.

The truth is, DH and I are child free and know absolutely nothing about child care or parenting. We don't even know what the right responses to these kind of answers are. We just smile and nod our heads, because, really, we don't know of any other answer that we can give.

I have two DCs - if we are speaking to someone they are asked to wait and not interrupt. It's a vital thing to learn, in order to avoid growing up bloody obnoxious. Notice what is going on around you - if someone is mid-chat wait or say excuse me if it's urgent. 7 is definitely old enough.

Interestingly, I also have to make a point to my DH not to interrupt the DCs! He can do that too, which drives me round the bend as well. They'll be mid-flow on something about their day and he'll cut in. So - I would say it should work both ways.

Jeez, just ask her out for some girl time the two of you, maybe out for coffee when the nanny (or whoever she is) is there so you can have the kind of interruption free conversation you want. If it's only once or twice a month and an hour to an hour and a half that you do pop round, then I can't imagine it would be a problem with getting out for a catch up.
Going by your original post, you did sound huffy and a little 'madam-ish' especially about the holiday but you've gone further into detail and maybe you were being a little naive to think that a the wee one (from what I can get from the information), the only child there, would seek her mums attention to keep her occupied. Also you were promised things that never materialised but it's hardly worth stewing over. Lesson learned. Chalk it up to experience and let it go.
Maybe she doesn't see it as being rude with you, or doesn't think you would be annoyed by her attending to the child. She might just feel relaxed enough around you to think that it's not a problem and pick the conversation where it was left off and carry on with your cuppa.

She is not your friend, OP. It sounds like she wanted you there for cost saving purposes. Can you join any groups to try and make other friends?

It pains me to think along in these lines. S was very helpful during a difficult period last year when I almost had a nervous breakdown, she was there for me when I need to hear a voice of reason. I like to think of her as a good friend, but perhaps, given our situations, that's very naive. I think you are right that I should try to make other friends.

Well if she's always been that way then I don't think she has done much wrong really. Sounds like she has welcomed you as the wife of her husband's friend, but her priorities lie elsewhere. She hasn't suddenly moved the goalposts of your friendship.

I wouldnt leave my 7 year old in the care of an adults who are too self-absorbed/socially awkward to make conversation with her, either.

Jeez, just ask her out for some girl time the two of you, maybe out for coffee when the nanny (or whoever she is) is there so you can have the kind of interruption free conversation you want.

I'd love to meet up in a cafe, but S set the rules there... she said, early on, that she preferred meeting up at home than outside, as she does not leave her child alone at home with babysitters. So I have always met her at her place.

Sometimes she has visited mine, when her husband was free to babysit, but mostly, she hosted, at her own insistence. Usually it was chai and samosas during Saturdays, if it was me and DH dropping in for formal dinner, we ordered in and couple of times last year we we even stayed over at their place, had breakfast together. It was all pleasant and nice, which is why I thought the holiday will be a super hit. Great expectations indeed.

Incidentally, S's DD is close to my DH, she is not shy with him! He is more goofier than me, which probably helps :)

Oh for goodness sake, get over yourself. I just expect she thought it would be a nice holiday. Before she realised, it would be like having another child to coax and entertain. And the men would fuck off and play at being carefree every afternoon

I wouldnt leave my 7 year old in the care of an adults who are too self-absorbed/socially awkward to make conversation with her, either.

Good for you, then.

Well, most people wouldn't get a babysitter so they could go out to a cafe during the day. It makes more sense for you to go there and rub along with her dd, or for her and dd to come out for cake at a cafe

the thing about her dd being "hurt" to find that mum and dad had gone out for a drink without her in the evening, when she was in bed, though, makes me . I think S, her child and you all need to do things a bit differently here. At the lunch on holiday I don't think any of the adults behaved very nicely really.

Maybe she doesn't see it as being rude with you... She might just feel relaxed enough around you to think that it's not a problem and pick the conversation where it was left off and carry on with your cuppa.

This is an intriguing angle. Never really thought that way.

As I said, I will continue visiting her (as long as I am invited) and will not think more abt out her blanking me every time her daughter interrupted us. But no more holidays with her, nope. Life is too short to be worrying about all this for weeks!

That a bit of a jump, instead of trying to find a resolution...talking to her as you should be able to do with a friend (someone you say has helped you when you almost had a nervous breakdown), you are just going to make other friends?!?
Make more friends, good on you. It will help your confidence loads but don't ditch her because she isn't aware that your feeling have been hurt or that your frustrated about your conversations being interrupted.
As I said before, she might just feel like she can be relaxed around you, my best friend is such a flake sometimes but I wouldn't get so upset, she is who she is, she never means any harm!

You realise you are competing with a 7 year old for her mum's attention Ramengirl?

"She was there for me when I needed to hear a voice of reason."

Your friend sounds really kind, Just because she's had to divide her attention and give her daughter a share, you are now talking about "being naive" to think of her as a good friend. Doesn't your friend who helped you out in a tough time deserve a bit better than this?

A child who is on holiday and has no other children in the group to keep them occupied is bound to want her mum to talk to her occasionally. It sounds from the post as if your friend gave her quick full attention so that she was satisfied and went back to entertaining herself, rather than creating a situation.

I think you should be more tolerant.