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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel that my friend should not ignore me when her daughter talks to her?

217 replies

theramengirl · 26/01/2018 11:13

'S' is a good friend and I like spending time with her. Our husbands are work colleagues, and we met during a work party some years back and since then, we have become friends.

I have severe anxiety issues and don't make friends easily, so I value S as a friend, she is an intelligent woman with a sharp wit. I often drop in at her place and we chat, but whenever her DD(7) pops into the room to ask her something, S stops our conversation mid-way and gives full attention to her DD (usually it is something trivial, like, Mom why is the sky blue). Same happens when I am speaking... I will be saying in the middle of a great anecdote or argument, and if her DD pops in with a question, poof! S disappears, just leaves me, hanging in mid-air, and talks to her DD.

This has happened several times. In and outside our homes. Last xmas, our families vacationed together and S just ignored me during lunch and dinner, chatting to her daughter. Our husbands were discussing work, and I had to be content with looking at my mobile, for the better part of an hour. Meals were the only time we all spent together as a group, so I was confused... I mean, why agree for a holiday with friends if you are only going to hang out with your kid?

AIBU to feel annoyed by this? Or am I just being stupid, that parents would of course have to put their kids first? I love kids but I just don't think they should be given top priority during adult socializing time. I am curious to know what MN thinks.

Not sure if this is relevant, but just adding them;
a) S had her baby late after a long struggle with IVF. She gave up a high profile job to be a full time mother.
b) I and my husband are child free by choice and S knows this. I work full time and have limited contact with children.

OP posts:
JessieMcJessie · 26/01/2018 12:51

I can see that perhaps the dinner is a grey area and agree that the child can’t be ignored, but I am shocked at how many people think it is entirely acceptable to cut the OP off mid sentence.

lurkingnotlurking · 26/01/2018 12:51

I think this is crucial:

S and I belong to the same profession (before she quit), and she had been asking me for some time to help her with a come back, a plan to slowly enter the field again after her long absence.

I think your friendship is based in the past and you no longer have enough in common. I doubt she seriously wants to discuss getting back into work like yours and suspect that this is just something she says.

mygorgeousmilo · 26/01/2018 12:55

When my kids interrupt, I tell them I’ll be with them in a minute, and to please not interrupt. A quick glance will tell me if it’s urgent, and I’ve told them to definitely interrupt if anyone is hurt/in danger etc. There are so many parents I know who will just take the interruption and turn immediately to talk to their kid, it seems to be just different parenting styles and I really wouldn’t take it personally. It’s not about you, they don’t want their child to be left out, or feel it might hurt them to not address their needs immediately. I won’t know until they’re adults, if me telling my kids not to interrupt has caused them some kind of emotional damage! I find that people who had emotionally distant parents themselves tend to be very, very quick to respond to their own kids. That’s just an observation.

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 26/01/2018 12:55

Most of my friends would find a way of opening up the conversation if someone else came in the room, they wouldn't carry on their hilarious monologue! It's a social skill much needed if you, as I do with one friend, have 5 children between us when we attempt to have conversations. These days they are all teens and wouldn't want to hang out with us anyway, but when the children were little, we still used to carry on a conversation through nappy changes, over the tops of heads, whilst giving children a drink and so on. The OP wants an adult one to one without interruption- probably best to leave the house and go to a local bar for that. In the family home, even if children wait for a suitable pause, they will need basic stuff like food/to know stuff or just to interact with the parent in a three way conversation for five minutes before going away again. I think this is fine as I don't have 'adult' conversations at home round my family dining table!

Ohyesiam · 26/01/2018 12:57

I've not read the whole thread op, but I came on to say that in an ideal world you would both give a little. She would ask her daughter to wait a moment, and encourage her not to interrupt, and you would expect that childten take a loooong time to remember to wait when they want contact, or are excited about something

When I look at my own family, I was far more able to kindly tell my daughter to butt out. My son however is different, he's my " baby " ( at age 10...), I worry about him, he's complicated and not nearly as confident as my daughter. My internal alarm is on red alert for any signs of difficulty or discomfort in him. I imagine I'm much more likely to drop conversions mid sentence to tend to him. ( I'm working on all this, I realise it's not productive, is making me cringe to write it BTW). So I wonder if your friend is a bit like this with her longer for daughter?
I can't imagine bringing this up with her would go well. You might do well to try and interact with the daughter as much as her shyness allows.
Best of luck with it op.

Goodadvice1980 · 26/01/2018 12:57

YANBU. Children need to learn that it is rude to interrupt when people are talking.

confusedhelpme · 26/01/2018 12:57

You are being unfair.

You appear to have the attitude of children should be seen and not heard.

See your friend when her DD is not around if it annoys you.

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 26/01/2018 12:58

I do go out though, and enjoy the adult time. I think relocating is the answer here and no holidays with the poor mum trying and failing to please her friend on her phone and her husband at the casino!

Nanny0gg · 26/01/2018 12:58

By age 7 a parent should be teaching Children not to interrupt when someone else is talking. I think giving her child attention at the table was fine.

^^ This.

But at meals, the husbands should - some of the time- have conversations everyone can join in with, otherwise they're rude too.

Original poster
theramengirl · 26/01/2018 13:00

So your friend had to entertain the 7 year old, whilst 'the boys' went to the casino every afternoon?? And then you sulked and resented the attention she gave her cjhild?? I think she was being polite, when she said she had enjoyed the holiday. What a horrible dynamic

'The girls' went to the spa and did shopping and read books in the afternoon. So? We all relax by our own preferred ways. I don't gamble, so I had no interest in joining the boys (they did invite me). DH ran this holiday plan by me and I approved it, because I thought it gave me enough time to do some girly stuff with S and get to know her kid in the afternoons.

So, our vacation went like this - I cuddled with my husband all morning (sorry TMI but some of you asked) watching netflix and my friend was at the pool and later at the kids club with her husband and child in the mornings, and we all met for lunch. After lunch, S spent her time with her child, doing shopping and at the kids club. I was not invited. I did not sulk, rather I caught up with some reading and did went on a lovely long walk along the coast. But yes, I did feel a tad sad that S did not care enough to seek my company and spend some time with me, in spite of all the emails and phone conversations we had prior to the actual holiday, planning for it, shortlisting the best hotels etc. Shoot me if that's wrong.

I never felt as if DH ignored me. This is group holiday and we both expected to spend time with others. DH and I go on plenty of couples weekends together and spend all our time with each other.

I did not sulk or resent the attention a mother gave her child. Clearly you have not read the entire thread.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 26/01/2018 13:01

"but I am shocked at how many people think it is entirely acceptable to cut the OP off mid sentence."

Maybe the Mum is doing it to make a point?

I'm not sure I'd be delighted if one of DP's friend's wives kept inviting themselves round to talk at me, and treated my own kid like she was an inconvenience in our home.

stitchglitched · 26/01/2018 13:04

Why couldn't the men forego the casino for a couple of days and look after the child so that you and your friend could go off and do something together childfree?

Urubu · 26/01/2018 13:07

Not sure why you are annoyed at your friend for excluding you during the meal but not at your own DH!!

Auntieaunt · 26/01/2018 13:09

I agree she's extremely rude that she allows her daughter to interrupt.

But if your friend has her adult Aunt, husband, grandma, friend staying would you not try to engage with them? Respect is a two way thing and sitting on your phone at dinner because you didn't appreciate one guest not giving her attention to you was rude.

However, I've spent a lot of time around kids. I volunteer with kids and I absolutely love talking to them. Usually conversations with kids are actually more enjoyable than with adults and I find them easier as I also have anxiety.

I love to ask kids questions, if you forget they're small and like to jump around a lot they're actually quite mature at 7+.

Conversations I've had this past month with kids:

'I'm really glad I live in England than a country like Mexico because we don't have earthquakes'. Because I randomly asked her if she thought she was lucky to live in England.

I've had a deep conversation with a 7 year old last week because I asked her how much money you need to be happy. She replied that you need enough to not worry about bills, food and a little left over. She asked me how much money her teacher is on and now she wants to go to university to start on 21k but she won't dress up at uni as that's just weird for adults to do.

If a kid asked why the sky was blue when adults were talking I'd see it as the kid wants to get involved in the conversation but doesnt know how to. I'd probably say ' I don't know, but what colour would you like it to be?' kids at that age just want to see what's happening, they get bored easily and usually just wander off.

Original poster
theramengirl · 26/01/2018 13:11

I'm not sure I'd be delighted if one of DP's friend's wives kept inviting themselves round to talk at me, and treated my own kid like she was an inconvenience in our home.

Wow. I work full time and often travel during the weekends. I do NOT have the time to keep inviting myself to visit friends. I visit S usually once a month on my own, at the most twice a month at S's place (and one of these always with my husband for dinner, BY INVITATION), over the past two years.

As for treating her child as an inconvenience... wow. Assumptions much?

OP posts:
cakeflower · 26/01/2018 13:11

All the parents I know would generally ask their child to wait a minute or two if in mid -important conversation with a friend. That’s polite. I once went for a walk / play date with a friend who was into attachment parenting though and she had a different approach - she all but ignored me and my child and followed her son, speaking only with him. I did find it rude and it made me stop wanting to be friends tbh

Momo18 · 26/01/2018 13:11

I think you come across weird, she's a parent and before the child speaks she has no way of knowing what the child wants. I often have the same situation, i let my kids speak but if it's not of importance in that moment I tell them I'm busy talking etc but that we will talk later

Original poster
theramengirl · 26/01/2018 13:12

Why couldn't the men forego the casino for a couple of days and look after the child so that you and your friend could go off and do something together childfree?

I suggested this. The men agreed to do this. S said she would rather catch up with her daughter.

OP posts:
MrsPreston11 · 26/01/2018 13:15

YABU

My kids self esteem and needs come before anyone else’s.

mrsharrison · 26/01/2018 13:17

Op yes the holiday didnt pan out as you two planned. I'm guessing the nanny didnt go with you so maybe your friend underestimated how much time she needed to spend looking after dd?

She could have invited you with her and dd a few times. I think she was rude.

TroubleinDaFamily · 26/01/2018 13:18

Mummmmmmmmmmmm

To visitor.......Sorry hold on a moment.

Anyone dead ................ ??

No

Anyone need an ambulance ??

No

Anyone missing any limbs ?

No

Any fires ?

No

In that case it can wait.

Repeat ad nauseam...................They eventually get the picture.

Dishwashersaurous · 26/01/2018 13:19

Just sounds like different expectations. You thought you were going to talk lots about work, she thought she was on holiday with her daughter. In future just see her at yours or out and about, and don't go on holiday with her

Nanny0gg · 26/01/2018 13:21

My kids self esteem and needs come before anyone else’s

Oh god...

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/01/2018 13:22

Yanbu.

I have a friend like this and it drives me potty. We could be talking about something really sensitive/important and if her dc come and rudely interrupt she just breaks off and goes into a deep and meaningful with them.

It's usually some nonsense like they can't find a toy or some such.

We've always brought ours up to say excuse me when we're talking.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/01/2018 13:23

That's why you've got kids that think it's absolutely their right to interrupt MrsPreston.

Not good.