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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel that my friend should not ignore me when her daughter talks to her?

217 replies

theramengirl · 26/01/2018 11:13

'S' is a good friend and I like spending time with her. Our husbands are work colleagues, and we met during a work party some years back and since then, we have become friends.

I have severe anxiety issues and don't make friends easily, so I value S as a friend, she is an intelligent woman with a sharp wit. I often drop in at her place and we chat, but whenever her DD(7) pops into the room to ask her something, S stops our conversation mid-way and gives full attention to her DD (usually it is something trivial, like, Mom why is the sky blue). Same happens when I am speaking... I will be saying in the middle of a great anecdote or argument, and if her DD pops in with a question, poof! S disappears, just leaves me, hanging in mid-air, and talks to her DD.

This has happened several times. In and outside our homes. Last xmas, our families vacationed together and S just ignored me during lunch and dinner, chatting to her daughter. Our husbands were discussing work, and I had to be content with looking at my mobile, for the better part of an hour. Meals were the only time we all spent together as a group, so I was confused... I mean, why agree for a holiday with friends if you are only going to hang out with your kid?

AIBU to feel annoyed by this? Or am I just being stupid, that parents would of course have to put their kids first? I love kids but I just don't think they should be given top priority during adult socializing time. I am curious to know what MN thinks.

Not sure if this is relevant, but just adding them;
a) S had her baby late after a long struggle with IVF. She gave up a high profile job to be a full time mother.
b) I and my husband are child free by choice and S knows this. I work full time and have limited contact with children.

OP posts:
Original poster
theramengirl · 26/01/2018 13:24

Auntie aunt and others who have suggested that I brush up my social skills, you are right. I can be tongue tied and stiff during company. Especially I dont know what exactly to say to young kids (my gregarious nephew excluded, but I have been a part of his life from his birth so somehow I do not have any issue interacting with him, even if I sit passively, he's bound to drag me into his playroom and get me involved in something or other!)

All the parents I know would generally ask their child to wait a minute or two if in mid -important conversation with a friend.

Well, to be fair, it was not important-important... not like we were talking about anything crucial. It's just chit chat... may be that's why she feels she does not have to really acknowledge the break in the conversation, and does not feel she really needs to be polite and say 'gimme a minute, Ramen?"... I don't know, just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt...

OP posts:
Seniorcitizen1 · 26/01/2018 13:24

Parent and child both rude - child not really to blame as suffers poor parenting

pictish · 26/01/2018 13:24

Yanbu - as a mother to three I can tell you that there is hardly a parenting behaviour more annoying and rude than this. You do not cut people off mid-flo or leave people dangling to attend your child's kiddy drivel instead. If it's important or if it's a case of including them normally in a conversation then fine...but if it's like you describe, then no...it's a pain in the arse anddoesn't make for enjoyable company.

I was once invited to a school mum's house for lunch and during the meal her younger dd (aged about 4) called her from upstairs. She went off to see what she wanted and never came back. After about 20 minutes of sitting on my own in her kitchen I called and went upstairs to see what had happened...only to find her sitting on her child's bedroom floor doing a jigsaw with her. "Sorry" she beamed, "she wanted some help with her puzzle."

So yeah...fuck that. It's rude. Have some manners.

Witchend · 26/01/2018 13:26

If I was chatting to a friend and my dc come in with something to say (and it can be immensely important to them, even if you don't think so) then often it is quicker and easier to quickly answer and continue. I wouldn't do this every time, nor would I do it if it was important conversation, but general chat fine.

I suspect this may well be especially true as you probably give away by body language or attitude, even if you don't think so, you're irritated by her.

For the holiday 6 of 1 half a dozen of the other.
You chose not to go with the men. She chose to spend time with her dd-and again she may well have chosen not to invite you along as they were choosing to do little girlie shopping and knew you'd be huffing and making it clear you didn't want to do that.

stitchglitched · 26/01/2018 13:27

That does sound odd then, that she refused to take some childfree time with you. Sounds like she doesn't view the friendship the same way you do, or that for her the holiday was primarily a family one.

Dipitydoda · 26/01/2018 13:27

Usually with a child its easier to answer their question, I would generally ask a 7 year old to wait 1 min - finish the sentence/point then give them attention - I would not expect them to wait til the whole conversation is finished. During a meal I would chat to them, I suspect you dont really engage with the child. Next time you are in such a situation, try sitting next to the child and engage yourself. life has moved on from the children should be seen and not heard times. Most mums are basically running the two conversations in their heads anyway.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 26/01/2018 13:30

My children know not to interrupt whilst people are chatting (they know. It doesn't mean they don't!) It is also rude to blank anyone mid conversation.

The chatting over dinner and you on your phone. You were rude there!

Original poster
theramengirl · 26/01/2018 13:30

Op yes the holiday didnt pan out as you two planned. I'm guessing the nanny didnt go with you so maybe your friend underestimated how much time she needed to spend looking after dd?

No au pair, it was just the 5 of us. I understand this perspective. May be S just realised that she would rather enjoy the holiday with her daughter rather spend it with someone she met only two years ago.

Yes, totally different expectations, I realise that now. And I get that I am looking for the wrong kind of friendship from S. Clearly, S's daughter comes first in her life (as it should be) and I respect that. I will be careful not to schedule any holidays with her in the future.

OP posts:
Aridane · 26/01/2018 13:31

OP - I hear you and agree with you - and don't really understand the hard time you've been given on this thread.

YellowFlower201 · 26/01/2018 13:31

Why on earth did you not join the conversation on holiday? Why should the child sit there bored out of her mind to suit you? Engage with her.
She may stop interrupting if she feels you're interested in her too.

SaucyJack · 26/01/2018 13:32

"I visit S usually once a month on my own, at the most twice a month at S's place (and one of these always with my husband for dinner, BY INVITATION), over the past two years."

Yes, exactly. You're invited with your husband because it's the men who are friends.

And speaking as a parent, one Saturday a month is actually quite a lot when you only get 8 whole days free with a school-aged child.

I'm sure she likes you, but she's making it crystal clear to you that if you invite yourself round, then you'll have to take the family as you find them. She doesn't want to prioritise talking to you over spending time with her child.

Take the hint and lower your expectations- or carry on sitting at Christmas dinners with a face like a slapped arse (!) Up to you matey.

JessieMcJessie · 26/01/2018 13:33

You said she’d quit her job. What on earth is she doing all day that means she needs to “catch up” with her child?

Original poster
theramengirl · 26/01/2018 13:33

After about 20 minutes of sitting on my own in her kitchen I called and went upstairs to see what had happened...only to find her sitting on her child's bedroom floor doing a jigsaw with her. "Sorry" she beamed, "she wanted some help with her puzzle."

God! That IS extremely rude. I hope you told her off.... for not bothering enough to holler, 'Gimme a min, pictish, I am dealing with something here' or better, invite you to do the puzzle with her kid.

OP posts:
HeidioftheAlps · 26/01/2018 13:34

Yanbu op. I've got a friend with kids the same age as mine. Our youngest kids are 10 and she has always done this. It does kids no favours not to teach them to wait til people have finished their sentence before butting in. Their teachers and friends are going to find them annoying

shouldaknownbetter · 26/01/2018 13:34

I'm with the OP on this. it's rude for anyone to interrupt and a 7 year old needs to be taught this. If my kids try to interrupt when I'm speaking to someone else I say'just wait a minute' and then would speak to them on a few minutes time.

shouldaknownbetter · 26/01/2018 13:34

I'm with the OP on this. it's rude for anyone to interrupt and a 7 year old needs to be taught this. If my kids try to interrupt when I'm speaking to someone else I say'just wait a minute' and then would speak to them on a few minutes time.

Firecarrier · 26/01/2018 13:35

Absolutely baffled that anyone at all has disagreed with Op!

I have 4 children ftom 6 up to 22 and I would never allow unnecessary interrupting of an adult conversation, I believe it is extremely rude.

I am a very hands on tactile mother so not distant at all, however when I get those rare opportunities to have an adult chat with a friend they know not to interrupt, ok , the youngest still needs reminding but of course it does them no harm to wait. Goodness me I can only imagine what precocious, demanding, self-centred children must be being raised by some people.

Yes, of course they are equal in value to adults but that doesn't always need to mean equal treatment. Eg. I love all of my children equally but I don't treat them all the same as they are individuals with different needs - that is not what equal means in this context.

Original poster
theramengirl · 26/01/2018 13:36

You said she’d quit her job. What on earth is she doing all day that means she needs to “catch up” with her child?

That's exactly what I would like to know too. When she said that, I took it as, with her kid at school most of the day and S being busy during weekends (kid is too, with various activities), she wanted this holiday memories with her daughter, exclusively.

She has an au pair for Saturdays (when I usually visit her) so that she can do some chores work for a relative.

OP posts:
FindoGask · 26/01/2018 13:36

I think it is rude just to stop listening without any acknowledgement. I had a 'mum friend' who used to do this too when we met up for coffee at each other's houses. At that time my children were tiny so I know what it's like, but if it were me, I'd always say something to acknowledge having to cut someone off. And when my children were slightly older, I'd ask them to wait a second (unless something urgent!)

As for protecting children's self-esteem, I don't believe it does any harm to model polite turn-taking in conversation. They had my 100% attention most of the rest of the time.

bluesouper · 26/01/2018 13:37

I hate when parents don't say to their child "one moment, I'm talking to someone". Finish their conversation then address the child. It really is rude and is teaching the child bad manners and that they are the centre of the universe. Children should learn to not interrupt, important in school and work place Angry

stitchglitched · 26/01/2018 13:38

So if you've only known her 2 years presumably she has always been this way? Rather than a longer friendship that changed when kids came along?

Dipitydoda · 26/01/2018 13:39

Also I would point out on a holiday with a child, I would expect the child to take priority. It looks like the girls dad basically wanted to have a lads holiday so took his mate - the mum was left with the childcare (probably pissed off) and you struggled to fit into the dynamic. Id have been more gobsmaked tbh if he mum had not given 100% of her attention to her child in these circumstances - to her it was a family holiday that her husband had screwed up by inviting his mate

Original poster
theramengirl · 26/01/2018 13:41

I'm sure she likes you, but she's making it crystal clear to you that if you invite yourself round, then you'll have to take the family as you find them. She doesn't want to prioritise talking to you over spending time with her child.

Point noted because this makes sense to me. Though I can't recall when I last invited myself around, because it's usually her who texts me saying 'hey, why don't we catch up tomorrow, chai at 4?' and I oblige (or not, I have of course refused when it's not convenient for me, and rescheduled it for another Sat). It's usually an hour long visit, at the most 1.5 hours.

OP posts:
MissCommunication · 26/01/2018 13:41

Balance is key. I ask my ds (5) to wait a sec as as x person is talking (or I am) and I'll be with him very shortly. That's teaching manners and how to converse in the real world I'd have thought. But it's also not a competition for attention.

DogsFoxes · 26/01/2018 13:43

'The girls' went to the spa and did shopping and read books in the afternoon. So? We all relax by our own preferred ways. I don't gamble, so I had no interest in joining the boys (they did invite me). DH ran this holiday plan by me and I approved it, because I thought it gave me enough time to do some girly stuff with S and get to know her kid in the afternoons