Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument between DH and DF - I'm stuck in the middle!

170 replies

lirpaloof · 26/01/2018 09:53

A few months ago my dad got into a row with DH at our house (I was out). DH told my dad to leave and he wasn't welcome back until he apologised. My dad lives a long way away so only visits twice a year and would usually stay with us.

The row was due to my dad challenging an aspect of DH's behaviour which DH thinks is fine, my dad does not, and I find annoying but have just accepted over the years (think amount of time spent on hobbies, along those lines). DH raised the subject initially, things got heated, my dad tried to end the discussion in a "let's agree to disagree" way several times but DH wouldn't let it go.

DH was stressed at the time so admits he probably over reacted and my dad has form for saying what he thinks even if it's not great timing. My dad was really shaken up about how everything got so out of hand but won't apologise as he still holds the same view about DH's behaviour.

I wanted to stay out of it but DH says he needed to know which 'side' I'm on. I said that the argument was between him and my dad, it's just a matter of differing opinions and there is no right or wrong. It caused a row between us and I reluctantly ended up telling DH that I agreed with him just to keep the peace. I don't see my dad that often so it just seemed easier.

Fast forward a few months and my dad is coming to visit but staying at a hotel. It's brought up the whole argument again and DH is saying that he would be justified in thinking I'm siding with my dad if I see him and that I'm an unsupportive wife. He's not actually said that's what he thinks, just that he would have grounds to, implying that I should be grateful he doesn't think that way. He said if any of his family members treated me as my dad had treated him he would demand an apology from them and go NC if they refused.

AIBU to try to remain neutral and continue seeing my dad? Is DH BU in forcing me to take sides?

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 26/01/2018 09:56

Your DH is horrible.
Go much time does he actually spend on his hobbies?

GinDaddy · 26/01/2018 09:57

I think your DH is BU in forcing you to take sides.

Your father is an absolutely integral relationship in your life and one he cannot expect you to put down just because of an argument, however aggrieved your DH might feel.

Your DH needs to speak to your father and they need to come to some sort of a place where something is left, in order that you can see your father without fear of it damaging your marriage.

Pigglesworth · 26/01/2018 09:59

It depends very much on the context I guess (e.g. how heated the argument was - screaming and hitting versus a verbal disagreement) but if for example your husband spends excessive time on the computer/gaming and your dad challenged that, but your husband reacted overly defensively/aggressively and has held a grudge since, then I think your husband is being ridiculous to intimate that you should be cutting contact with your dad. I think the issue is between your husband and your dad.

octonaught · 26/01/2018 09:59

Of course you should see your dad.
Do you have children with your H? because I would be thinking LTB if you didn't

Therealjudgejudy · 26/01/2018 10:00

Your husband is a bully. I wouldn't put up with this behaviour. You need to grow a spine and tell him he a out of order.

Idontdowindows · 26/01/2018 10:01

Your father had no business berating your husband, your husband is not a child and your father has no say over him.

Your husband has no business giving you an ultimatum. You are not a child and your husband does not get to decide who you can and cannot see.

Assuming that the argument was indeed about something like time spent on a hobby (and not something criminal or abusive), your husband is holding this grudge way too long.

And if he wants to make you choose, then think carefully about which of the two has actually wanted you to choose and which of the two hasn't.

RadioGaGoo · 26/01/2018 10:03

Your husband has already acknowledged that he overreacted and yet is still doing so?

Butterymuffin · 26/01/2018 10:06

Your DH seems to be getting a lot of this his own way. He's got to continue doing the thing he wants to do even though you don't really like it but are reluctant to directly oppose him. He's managed to marginalise your dad for expressing a negative opinion about it. And now he's trying to remove your dad from your life altogether and tell you you're a bad wife if you don't comply. Do you not feel able to challenge any of this? What is making you feel you have to put up and shut up about this level of control?

Original poster
lirpaloof · 26/01/2018 10:09

No, we don't have children and not planning to.

They ended up shouting at each other but no hitting

OP posts:
GinDaddy · 26/01/2018 10:11

^^

!!

Was there any likelihood of hitting?

Original poster
lirpaloof · 26/01/2018 10:15

Butterymuffin - I feel that the source of the argument (ie DH's behaviour) is minimal enough for me to overlook it, in the way that I do things that annoy DH but he overlooks them too. My dad, however, feels more strongly and decided to voice his opinion. I've told DH that it was my dad's opinion, not mine, and that it's not an issue for me because in the greater scheme of things it's really not.

OP posts:
umizoomi · 26/01/2018 10:16

Your DH is an arsehole. He has no right to tell your dad he isn't welcome in your house - presumably it is as much your house as your DH's?

Whilst your DF shouldn't have said anything to your DH in the first place as in all honestly, it's none of his business, your DH has carried this on too long and asking his wife to choose between them is awful awful behaviour.

I have a friend in this situation and her husband was abusive to her parents over what really wasn't important in the scheme of things (typical in-law behaviour and niggles). He has never spoken to them since and they don't go to the house. At Christmas, his parents go to their house, hers don't. I wouldn't put up with it but she does.

I have plenty I would love to say to my il's but I don't because they are DH's parents.

Justanothernameonthepage · 26/01/2018 10:16

So your DH picked a fight with your DF, banned him from the house. Both refuse to apologise and now your DH is insinuating that you should be on his side after he bagged you into agreeing his behaviour is ok?
I think you need to sit down, with a therapist or at the very least in public and be honest with you DH.
That you only sided with him for an easy life. That his behaviour since then has been out of proportion and while you may not push either of them to apologise purely to make you happy, you will not indulge his behaviour by refusing to cut out family on his say so.
That he has a choice to make, to either man up and behave with dignity or to sulk and tantrum.
Also please read 'why does he do that'.

Original poster
lirpaloof · 26/01/2018 10:18

GinDaddy - that post was in response to Pigglesworth's post to clarify the context of the argument. Sorry, should have been more specific to avoid confusion.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 26/01/2018 10:21

If my DF decided to take my DH to task about something that was none of his business, in my DHs home my DF would no longer be welcome. It's disrespectful and inappropriate, while I think DH is unreasonable still holding a grudge it's fair to expect an apology for your DFs behaviour towards him irrespective of whether your DF has changed his view or not.

ImListening · 26/01/2018 10:21

Your dh was disrespectful to your df. I would not forgive that. If dh spoke to my dad like that I certainly wouldn’t be siding with him!

Original poster
lirpaloof · 26/01/2018 10:23

Umizoomi - yes we jointly own the house.

I think they would apologise for how they handled the argument but neither would apologise for the views they both still hold.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 26/01/2018 10:24

justanother how did her DH pick a fight, her DH challenged him about something that was absolutely none of his business.

MissDuke · 26/01/2018 10:26

Ah op how awful being stuck in the middle of this Flowers Your DH is definitely being a bit of a numpty here. He should not be attempting to influence your relationship with your father. I do think your father should not have got involved as its really not his business especially when you have no children, so it isn't restricting you from going out - but ultimately your dh shouldn't be dragging it out. Can you get them together and just tell them both it would mean a lot to you if they could just make up and move on?

Original poster
lirpaloof · 26/01/2018 10:26

Jellycatspyjamas - this is the problem because I would not appreciate being taken to task by DH's family member in my own home either, however both my dad and DH are very straight talkers and pride themselves on saying it like it is. They used to get on well for this exact reason. Personally I disagree with both of them and think least said soonest mender, as a previous poster said too.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 26/01/2018 10:27

They don't need to change their views and your DFs opinion is neither here not there when it's something you've decided to go with - and even if you wrereby happy with it, your DF still has no place challenging your DH. It's literally none of his business what your DH does with his time assuming he's not being abusive to you.

MissDuke · 26/01/2018 10:27

op they don't need to apologise for their views though, they just need to apologise for any nasty words and move on

Original poster
lirpaloof · 26/01/2018 10:28

MissDuke - I don't think either will back down though, no matter what I say. They are very similar and both will hold a grudge forever.

Oh god, I've married my dad, haven't I Shock

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 26/01/2018 10:30

If your dad stated picking at your dh in his own home for something that is a normal annoying habit, the type of which we all have, then your Dad was very rude. Your loyalty should be with your dh, but your dh shouldn't be trying to stop you from seeing your Dad. It's fair enough if he doesn't want someone who had a go at him in his home, but if you keep your visits with your dad away from your dh, then he should be supporting that choice, just as you support his choice not to have contact.

Original poster
lirpaloof · 26/01/2018 10:30

MissDuke - sorry, cross post, I don't think either will move on unless the other has apologised for their views.

OP posts: