Argument between DH and DF - I'm stuck in the middle!

[lirpaloof]

A few months ago my dad got into a row with DH at our house (I was out). DH told my dad to leave and he wasn't welcome back until he apologised. My dad lives a long way away so only visits twice a year and would usually stay with us.

The row was due to my dad challenging an aspect of DH's behaviour which DH thinks is fine, my dad does not, and I find annoying but have just accepted over the years (think amount of time spent on hobbies, along those lines). DH raised the subject initially, things got heated, my dad tried to end the discussion in a "let's agree to disagree" way several times but DH wouldn't let it go.

DH was stressed at the time so admits he probably over reacted and my dad has form for saying what he thinks even if it's not great timing. My dad was really shaken up about how everything got so out of hand but won't apologise as he still holds the same view about DH's behaviour.

I wanted to stay out of it but DH says he needed to know which 'side' I'm on. I said that the argument was between him and my dad, it's just a matter of differing opinions and there is no right or wrong. It caused a row between us and I reluctantly ended up telling DH that I agreed with him just to keep the peace. I don't see my dad that often so it just seemed easier.

Fast forward a few months and my dad is coming to visit but staying at a hotel. It's brought up the whole argument again and DH is saying that he would be justified in thinking I'm siding with my dad if I see him and that I'm an unsupportive wife. He's not actually said that's what he thinks, just that he would have grounds to, implying that I should be grateful he doesn't think that way. He said if any of his family members treated me as my dad had treated him he would demand an apology from them and go NC if they refused.

AIBU to try to remain neutral and continue seeing my dad? Is DH BU in forcing me to take sides?

I can understand why your dad wanted to say something to him - I think a lot of parents would want to (even if it's not really their place once you're grown up). I don't understand why your dh raised it though. It sounds like maybe they should both make moves towards putting it behind them??

It really is no a fair choice to have to choose between these 2 men.
you are allowed to be pissed of about living in these disrepair conditions.

Having seen your update I'm on your dad's side. How on earth does your DP justify helping a friend do up his own house whilst neglecting yours? That is baffling arsehole behaviour on its own. Add in him banning your dad from your house and trying to stop you from seeing him does make me slightly edge towards the LTB view since you have no children (and I generally think people on here throw LTB around way too casually). Sounds like this incident has crystallised many problems in your relationship. Shame your dad got drawn into it.

Your DD tried to end on an after to disagree but your immature anus of a husband is still stripping about it. I would side with DD as he is in the right/not the one looking to keep the argument rumbling on. Out of respect for you DH shouldn't drive a wedge between you and DD. I'd 'side' with my DD and then DH has 2 options; grow up and agree to disagree or get his stuff and fuck off.

Has your DF reached this conclusion on his own observation or have you spoken to him about it?

If you have spoken to him about it and voiced your displeasure and he can see you’re unhappy then I don’t blame your DF, he has your best interests at heart but these kind of things never end well. Your husband is never going to have a moment of clarity and say “you’re absolutely right”.

From everything you've said i think your husband is a bully!

After your update I would be giving DH grief over this - if you want your house sorted it needs to be sorted. I would be getting quotes

DH would disagree that he is telling me to support him unconditionally, he thinks he's telling me to support him when he's right

Okay, so how about supporting him wholeheartedly in his choice rather than his opinion - and the same for your DF, come to that? You could respect your DH's choice not to see DF, your DF's choice to stay in a hotel and so on, and still maintain your own choice of seeing DF when it suits you

That way you all keep your own autonomy, and if either press you to "take sides" you can simply refer them to each other

Having read your update on the reasons for the original argument, your dad is right. I was thinking he maybe shouldn’t have interfered, but parents surely can’t help but advocate for their child, when they’re being walked all over. I think it’s instinctive to defend them, and I would hold my tongue to an extent, but hard to say nothing for 4 years. Imagine anyone’s child had a DP that is a professional in some area that your child needs them to utilise. If he was a lawyer and he didn’t bother to help you out with some legal issues? A plumber who didn’t fix a broken pipe? What kind of partner leaves the house upside down for four years while pursuing hobbies and helping friends out. Then trying to get you to go NC with your dad, just because he was stating the bloody obvious?? Your DH is an absolute prick. For expecting you to tolerate his laziness, and for trying to isolate you from your dad. What an arsehole!!

Been there. Pacified dh for years - my parents live a small flight away. In the end told him to wise up and get a grip that my parents won't be around forever. That they have different opinions and he needs to be nice for the week are here for me and our children. After a week of grumping he agreed and it's been ok sailing so far

Tell your dh to grow the fuck up.

And then fix your fucking house.

It sounds like your hubby was being childish in goading your Dad after he said let's just agree to disagree. Is it a rather childish hobby that he has by chance? That's the point where I think I'd have been annoyed, at husband.

I'd be telling husband that, for my sake, he better accept people have differing opinions and it doesn't mean they can't get on. If he asks again whose side your own, tell him your own. You're not going to choose between your father and your husband.

Would you actually like your house sorted out?

Have you let it go because it's easier? Is it 'nagging' if you say you'd like it done?

Does it make your life harder because it's not been sorted? Is it harder to look after/clean? Who does those tasks in your relationship?

Do you think he prioritised a friend over you?

You said your dad was 'shaken up'. How old is he?

Would you actually like your house sorted out? get husband out and workers in and have a party with your dad when it's finished.

I'm sorry your hubby is a plonker. I can't stand my m'n'law - but I actively encourage my hubby to have a relationship with her. Its his mother. All relationships are complicated - your husband is being very unreasonable asking you to go NC with your Dad. Both my hubby and myself have had fall outs with our respective in-laws...and both of us have at one time or other had to swallow what we really think or feel and smooth over problems with in-laws for the sake of each other. My m'n'law in particular can be a bit tricky - but I know how grateful my hubby is every time I have to 'forget' about some of the things she has done and said in order to keep the peace and it's not great - but its worth doing for my husband's sake. Life is too short - I hope your hubby can get over himself for your sake.

OP, I agree with many of these posts, especially Winnie's.

I left a decades long relationship after finally fighting back against control tactics much like those you describe your DH as showing. It came at enormous cost, including all DCs having some form of mental health issue. We're recovering but it will take time.

You need to have a discussion with your DH. This will show whether your DH has just had a blip in attitude, or if this is much more serious.

The fact that you say you let a lot go to keep the peace is actually worrying. This is how it began for me. And your DH should have been prioritising your own home and your feelings over fixing his friend's house.

If I recall correctly, there's a post stickied to the top of the relationship board, with all the red flags people should look out for in a relationship. It might be worth reading, OP, as I'd bet that when you start taking an objective look at your relationship with your DH, you see other poor behaviour.

Your dh is being a selfish asshat

Dont let him bully you into becoming his flying monkey. Your relationship with your dad is none of his damn business. And your dad was right in the first place.

Your husband is abusive. He doesn’t actually have to hit you does he? Because you give into him. He’s isolating you. Your dad can see this. He’s protecting you. Your husband is only protecting himself. Leave before it gets worse.

Your husband had no right to ban your dad from your house!
You should have said that to your husband at the time , but never mind, just tell him NOW.

If my husband actually asked me to choose him or his dad I would chose my dad!

No contest.

And your dad was right !

Your DH is a nasty arse. Throwing your dad out after he's traveled miles to see you, just because he pushed a conversation & didn't like your DFs response, wow, what a catch. He should be grovelling to your DF for your sake after that one & you need to tell him straight too. There's no staying neutral in this one, not possible

Sounds to me like your husband gets what he wants, you are afraid of displeasing him & don't ask for consideration
Your Dad can see it for what it is,
You won't stand up to H, so have been the subservient wifey
Now Bully boy is trying to cut your supporter Dad out of your life, & you still don't want to make waves.
It may not be your dad's business, but it sounds like you are in a far from ideal situation & your Dad loves you. Not sure the same can be said of DH
Personally I would insist my dad being allowed to visit me, & tell your DH he will have to beg to differ, as you will not be made to take sides, & if he continues to push it then he will be hearing a few home truths that you are sure he won't like.

tumblrpigeon, I agree, I would do anything to have my dad back & choose him too

• Your DH raised the argument
• You agree with your dad as you tolerate whatever it is that your DH does
• your dad tried to drop it but DH wouldn’t stop the argument
• you can’t tell him you only tolerate whatever it is so you’ve told him you agree with him
• your DH is implying you should cut off your dad.

Your DH is a bully and pretty unreasonable.

So you agree with your dad but go along with your husbabd for an easy life? Why not just admit the truth?

It sounds like your dh knows the truth deep down thats why hes so defensive. I hope your dad doesnt know you agree with him, that you hadnt let that slip out before, because i would be pissed that you wouldnt be honest-with you for being weak laid back-- and hypocritical and your dh for being an arse!

Be honest with yourself op, are you laid back or do you just tell yourself that because you have been worn down?