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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument between DH and DF - I'm stuck in the middle!

170 replies

lirpaloof · 26/01/2018 09:53

A few months ago my dad got into a row with DH at our house (I was out). DH told my dad to leave and he wasn't welcome back until he apologised. My dad lives a long way away so only visits twice a year and would usually stay with us.

The row was due to my dad challenging an aspect of DH's behaviour which DH thinks is fine, my dad does not, and I find annoying but have just accepted over the years (think amount of time spent on hobbies, along those lines). DH raised the subject initially, things got heated, my dad tried to end the discussion in a "let's agree to disagree" way several times but DH wouldn't let it go.

DH was stressed at the time so admits he probably over reacted and my dad has form for saying what he thinks even if it's not great timing. My dad was really shaken up about how everything got so out of hand but won't apologise as he still holds the same view about DH's behaviour.

I wanted to stay out of it but DH says he needed to know which 'side' I'm on. I said that the argument was between him and my dad, it's just a matter of differing opinions and there is no right or wrong. It caused a row between us and I reluctantly ended up telling DH that I agreed with him just to keep the peace. I don't see my dad that often so it just seemed easier.

Fast forward a few months and my dad is coming to visit but staying at a hotel. It's brought up the whole argument again and DH is saying that he would be justified in thinking I'm siding with my dad if I see him and that I'm an unsupportive wife. He's not actually said that's what he thinks, just that he would have grounds to, implying that I should be grateful he doesn't think that way. He said if any of his family members treated me as my dad had treated him he would demand an apology from them and go NC if they refused.

AIBU to try to remain neutral and continue seeing my dad? Is DH BU in forcing me to take sides?

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 26/01/2018 10:30

Oh god, I've married my dad, haven't I

Most women do ;) (lighthearted people, lighthearted).

Ilovecamping · 26/01/2018 10:31

2 adults having disagreement that got out of hand, both as bad a one another. Try and stay neutral and don't stop seeing your dad.

Dustysparrow · 26/01/2018 10:31

There is fault on both sides as it sounds like an argument that need never have happened.

HOWEVER - your DH's behaviour since then towards you, demanding you pick a side and then hinting that you should go NC with your dad is outrageous and childish. He is behaving like a dick. It's not your argument, why the fuck should your good relationship with your dad suffer because of a stupid argument for which you weren't even present.

Put it this way - your relationship with your DH will be what will be, but your dad will always be your dad and I suspect he is the one who would be there for you if things with your DH fell apart (which I hope they never do).

Enidblyton1 · 26/01/2018 10:32

It sounds like your DH had totally overreacted - but I guess none of us were there so don't know what was actually said.
I think the amount of time your DH spends on his hobby vs amount of time with you is relevant here. Do you secretly wish he spent less time on the hobby? Although you say you don't mind, perhaps this is for an easy life, while your DFcan see how damaging it is?
Hard to say who is BU without a little bit more information.

DancesWithOtters · 26/01/2018 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy · 26/01/2018 10:33

I think you just need to tell them BOTH that you disagree with what they have done and that they BOTH need to get over themselves and stop being pathetic about this.

Your Dad had no business telling your H off in his own home about his life, if YOU and H are happy with the way things are, that is all that is important.

If your H pushed the conversation too much, and goaded your dad into it, then he has to take some responsibility for this. he's beat his chest, waved his willy, now he needs to climb back down and move on.

As for banning your dad from your house, he has that right, but it's not helpful for unity or peace going forward.

DancesWithOtters · 26/01/2018 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rachie1973 · 26/01/2018 10:34

lirpaloof

Oh god, I've married my dad, haven't I

Well no, because your dad isn't giving you unreasonable ultimatums.

WinnieFosterTether · 26/01/2018 10:35

Your DH isn't going to apologise when he's entrenching his bad behaviour rather than moving on. Your DH has behaved badly. He's trying to isolate you from your DF and obviously, partly, that's because your DF is challenging a behaviour of your DH's that you don't like but are reluctant to confront.
You shouldn't be stuck in the middle because you should be able to be honest with your DH. Your DH's behaviour was so bad that your DF was left shaken up. Your DH put your DF out of your home which he doesn't have the authority to do. Your DH is now trying to get you to cut ties. I'd be telling DH that you agree with your DF. That he is welcome in your home and will be visiting when DH isn't there. Also tell him that few people would think he was justified in making you choose. Instead, most people would think that the sort of man who engineers a deliberate family break (because they've been called on a bad behaviour) is usually abusive.

Jengnr · 26/01/2018 10:35

Your Dad shouldn’t have said anything. It’s neither his place nor his business.

BUT your husband is being a massive bell end about the whole thing and him putting you in the middle and trying to cut you off from your Dad is completely out of order.

Dustysparrow · 26/01/2018 10:36

Actually, something sort of similar happened to me recently, but it was my DH and one of my best friends who had a tiff - whilst I was out of the room. She made a comment, thinking she was speaking in my best interests, but which made DH out to be unreasonable when he hadn't actually done the thing she was implying he had, so he got the right hump. Things may be awkward between them now but I am not getting involved - my DH had nothing to apologise for, and my friend thought she was doing right by me, so it was a misunderstanding and frankly least said soonest mended. Neither of them would dream of pushing me to 'pick a side' though, that would be a horrible position to put me in. Which is what your DH is doing to you.

fobiddenfruitcrumble · 26/01/2018 10:36

They each need to work out what's at stake and find a way to apologise.

Your F can say to your DH that it was not his place to comment.
Your H can say he should not have let things get so heated and that he was stubborn.
Your H can acknowledge to you that while you put up with this aspect of his behaviour and that even if it's ok, it's not ideal and therefore not wholly beyond reasoning that your F might comment on it.
He can also acknowledge that he was wrong to ask you to not see your F, as he is your DAD and that matters.

They meet and shake hands like men instead of behaving like fucking toddlers.

mummmy2017 · 26/01/2018 10:37

Tell your husband your a grown woman, you love your dad and wish to see him.
By not seeing or having your dad to stay you feel you are giving your husband as much back up as you can, but you REFUSE to not have a relationship with your dad just to please your husband, does he intend to bully you in this matter or can you just accept that they both disagree, and won't meet.

YearOfYouRemember · 26/01/2018 10:38

Don't like how your husband is threatening you. This is a line in the sand moment. Which way will you step?

Notonthestairs · 26/01/2018 10:40

Agree with lots of others. Your Dad stuck his nose in to your marriage and needs reminding thats not acceptable but your DH is being a complete plank about it. I would tell him to get over himself to be honest.

Mumsnut · 26/01/2018 10:41

How tempting to pick a fight with his mother (I'm sure she does things to annoy you) and ban her from your house ...

Original poster
lirpaloof · 26/01/2018 10:42

Enidblyton1 - my dad knows that I tolerate DH's behaviour and although I've said I've got to the stage where it doesn't bother me I think he thought he was helping me by raising it with DH when the opportunity arose. Also, my dad is the sort of person who would argue his point anyway, whether it helps me or not.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 26/01/2018 10:43

I assume that the hobby that your DH partakes in impacts on your joint relationship, & that your DF was actually commenting as he sees it as selfish & not good for you.
Your DH is on the defensive as he is indeed selfish with regards to the time he spends on this...

DancesWithOtters · 26/01/2018 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mix56 · 26/01/2018 10:44

X post

Butterymuffin · 26/01/2018 10:47

If the thing that bothers you is pretty trivial and unimportant, it seems odd that to your DH it's such a big issue that you have to 'take sides' over it and cut off family members over it. That suggests a high level of intolerance to anyone disagreeing with him ever, however moderately.

MonumentalAlabaster · 26/01/2018 10:50

lirpaloof you say in your OP that your DH raised the subject initially - why did he do this if he knows your Dad is likely to say what he thinks? Is it possible he manufactured the row in order to be able to issue this ultimatum and drive a wedge between you and your Dad? He resisted your Dad's attempts to resolve it with "let's agree to disagree" preferring to keep the conflict going.

Blackteadrinker77 · 26/01/2018 10:51

They were both unreasonable but your husband is is really out of order expecting you to go no contact with him.

Your relationship with your Dad is just that, it is none of your husbands business.

WinnieFosterTether · 26/01/2018 10:51

I would imagine your DF thinks the behaviour does bother you. You're 'tolerating' it because your DH is refusing to change or consider your feelings about it. From your posts, it seems your DH believes no-one (you or your DF) has the right to question how he spends his time.
I disagree with PPs that say it's none of your DF's business. If your DH is treating you poorly, it is your DF's business.

hiphopchick · 26/01/2018 10:53

Awful to be stuck in the middle. But your dad AND your DH sound as bad as each other. Your dad is a stickybeak for poking his nose into yours and your DH's business, and your DH is a petulant brat who has an entitled-to attitude.

Sadly, men spending lots of time and money on their (usually very expensive) hobbies is commonplace, and many of them see fit to continue this trend when they are married and have kids and have bigger outgoings.

So the wife/mother of his children often ends up going without and looking after the kids, while he carries on with his hobbies, spending the family money, and living as he did when he was single, whilst never lifting a finger in the house, or helping with the kids. Seen this happen to so many women/couples.

Don't let this happen to you. Your dad was out of line commenting, but your husband needs a talking to about his 'hobbies' that are costing lots of money. Do you spend as much on YOUR hobbies? I bet a year's salary that you don't.