Argument between DH and DF - I'm stuck in the middle!

[lirpaloof]

A few months ago my dad got into a row with DH at our house (I was out). DH told my dad to leave and he wasn't welcome back until he apologised. My dad lives a long way away so only visits twice a year and would usually stay with us.

The row was due to my dad challenging an aspect of DH's behaviour which DH thinks is fine, my dad does not, and I find annoying but have just accepted over the years (think amount of time spent on hobbies, along those lines). DH raised the subject initially, things got heated, my dad tried to end the discussion in a "let's agree to disagree" way several times but DH wouldn't let it go.

DH was stressed at the time so admits he probably over reacted and my dad has form for saying what he thinks even if it's not great timing. My dad was really shaken up about how everything got so out of hand but won't apologise as he still holds the same view about DH's behaviour.

I wanted to stay out of it but DH says he needed to know which 'side' I'm on. I said that the argument was between him and my dad, it's just a matter of differing opinions and there is no right or wrong. It caused a row between us and I reluctantly ended up telling DH that I agreed with him just to keep the peace. I don't see my dad that often so it just seemed easier.

Fast forward a few months and my dad is coming to visit but staying at a hotel. It's brought up the whole argument again and DH is saying that he would be justified in thinking I'm siding with my dad if I see him and that I'm an unsupportive wife. He's not actually said that's what he thinks, just that he would have grounds to, implying that I should be grateful he doesn't think that way. He said if any of his family members treated me as my dad had treated him he would demand an apology from them and go NC if they refused.

AIBU to try to remain neutral and continue seeing my dad? Is DH BU in forcing me to take sides?

piffle fair dos - I thought that after I typed it!

Op I will come back but so say I had the same happen today between my DP and DM

I will read more fully but sympathies
Really upset 😡

@PiffleandWiffle OP said "...if it helps, the argument was that our house needs quite a lot of work doing to it eg new kitchen and bathroom but DH has dragging his heels for 4 years. I am happy to help with any work that needs doing but DH is skilled and experienced in that area. At the time, DH was regularly helping out a friend fix things on their house. "

DH would be like this if I left it up to him to fix things around the house. I don't. I use builders (or do it myself if it's something simple like painting). He does occasionally get the hump but I just ignore it as I don't like living somewhere that needs fixing.

DH's mum is extremely argumentative and while we have had a few ding dongs over the years, she has mellowed a bit. Still, it's never occurred to me to ban her from the house, even back in the days when she appeared to hold me personally responsible for Thatcher (on the grounds I was from the SE, as far as I could tell .

People often say on here 'when someone shows you who you are, believe them'.

I fear that your home will never be renovated now. If your DH is as pig-headed as he appears, then he won't pick up the tools as he will think doing so will have your DF winning (the argument). Hope I am wrong for your sake OP.

“Oh god, I've married my dad, haven't I shock”

Yep, that was my first thought on reading your OP.

Your Dad spoke out of turn, and, you say, would argue the point whether it was to your advantage to do so or not. Your H pushed the point and insists you take sides, when it is obviously not in your interests to do so.

They are a pair of bullies, caring more about their masculine point scoring than about YOU.

Turn this all around. My God, if I got into a row with my MIL shouting, almost violence, and threw her out of the house because she criticised my hobby, I would be mortified. I would be very sorry that I had been part of an escalated ‘scene’ and for DH’s sake, I would do my best to get peace restored.

And because I am a civilised adult, I would maybe explain why I was cross but apologise for my over reaction, move in and make my MIL welcome. —til next time—

The men in your life are acting appallingly. Stupid willy waving and no thought for you.

Read them both the riot act.

Turn this all around. My God, if I got into a row with my MIL shouting, almost violence, and threw her out of the house because she criticised my hobby, I would be mortified. I would be very sorry that I had been part of an escalated ‘scene’ and for DH’s sake, I would do my best to get peace restored.

Except it's not actually about a hobby, it's the fact that OP's house is dilapidated (and has been for years) and her DH would rather help a friend with his house than do his own. And he's ground the OP down enough to accept it.

Fair enough, NannyOgg , actually I somehow missed the page with that post on (I have RTFT). And I do think that overall the DH is being a defensive, selfish, controlling bully , who is prioritising badly.

I’ve noticed a pattern in my relationships, and they tend to end up the same way each time. There always comes a point when my boyfriend / partner pushes me into doing something I don’t want to do. The easiest path in the short term is almost always to give in to him. I love him and don’t want to lose him or annoy him. So I give in to that small pressure.

Then a bit later, a similar point will be brought up and I will find myself pushed again. I’m being pushed a bit further in a direction I don’t want to go, but this time it’s not such a big step, because it’s happened before.

Then it happens again. I’m getting used to it by now. I’m no longer so happy in the relationship. I don’t really feel my boyfriend/partner is really letting me be the person I want to be, but I love him and I don’t want to rock the boat so I go along with it yet again.

This is how abuse starts OP. Usually the little incidents I’ve mentioned are some attempt to curtail my freedom. He doesn’t want me to see a certain person, usually on some excuse that seems rather trumped up and trivial to me, but he makes it clear it’s a big deal to him and it’s not really negotiable if I want to be with him. If I don’t go along with him, I must not respect him.

It’s a long time since I’ve gone through this little routine, but I did it enough times to recognise it. If someone is trying to push you into something, and your conscience is streaming somewhere inside that it’s wrong, then pull together your self-respect and say no. This is who I am. I do respect you, but I won’t do what you’re asking. Take me or leave me, the choice is yours, but I won’t go against what I really feel.

Hang onto your self-respect. It’s worth more than any man.

*screaming, not streaming

There's no way my DH can stop me seeing a family member. Your H is being very unreasonable.

Having read the cause of this...I'd probably have told my DH I thought my dad had a point.

My dad actually spoke to BIL once ...saying the kitchen ceiling was dangerous and could cave in so he needs to sort it out.

He said (not to BILS hearing)... chances are it would fall on Dsis head...as she was always in the kitchen.

BIL didn't like it...but would never dream of arguing with dad...my sis might get the flack though.

My DF has mentioned other stuff to BIL...He's crap at DIY...I think BIL gets embarrassed (even though DF says it nicely and even offers financial assistance sometimes) ...but we all know he's very slack with household maintenance.

Is any argument worth not seeing your father who is travelling a long distance and staying at a hotel to see you... wonder who is behaving like a 2 year old here.

If my DH banned my DF for this reason...we'd be divorced tbh. There's no chance any family member of mine (or his) can get banned from our house.

My DH wouldn't try it. That lack of respect would seal his fate.

Your DH clearly realises your a pushover or he wouldn't have done it.

He knows your dad is right.

@LizardMonitor how fifths dad speak out of turn? The husband brought up the topic! If your son in law was helping a friend renovate a house for 4 yeats while your daughter was in her own dilapidated home would you recall say nothing when asked?

How is the dad a bully?

Did not fifths!

Stop being so passive, op. I know it's easy to say that, but if you don't stand your ground on this your life will get more and more difficult.

@LostSight excellent and insightful post.

We really need to push back against 'you don't respect me if I can't push you around' crap! If a man is being disrespectful and says "you don't respect me.' The answer is "No, YOU don't respect ME, clearly, or you would not be trying to coerce me to your point of view."

@Italiangreyhound

I am happy to help with any work that needs doing but DH is skilled and experienced in that area.

Still a bit of a cop out though. Surely a less than perfect effort is better than no effort at all......

The OP doesn't say what she's doing or contributing that prevents her from fixing her own house up.....

@lirpaloof how are things going, how has it worked out?